i dare you to read this…

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TOO CONFIDENTIAL FOR ANYONE
TO HANDLE

 Honestly, most of the time,
I don’t know who I am or who I’m supposed to be. Most of the time I’m either
too scared to show people who I really am or I’m too scared that I’d be too
much for them and the more I think about who I am or who I’m supposed to be or
who people expect me to be, the more I don’t know who I really am and the more I
want to run away. But in short, I guess I’m just a very scared little girl who
dreams of running away way too much. Because honestly, running away seems so
easy to do but once again, I guess I’m too afraid to hurt the people who care
for me to actually do that. So my favorite times of the day are those times
when I’m alone because there’s no one around to tell me who I’m supposed to be
so it’s easier to remember who I am.

 I’ve been a Born Again
Christian for over 12 years now but I’ve only been praying and reading the
bible on a regular basis for less than 2 months now and within these past two
months of committing myself to the Lord, I’ve smoked, drank, snuck out of the
house and almost had PMS [but only because I let it happen but never again.
Never again]. All of these, except drinking, are completely against my morals
and they’ve always been against everything I believed in even before I started
truthfully going to church.

 I drink not because I think
it’s “cool” or because everyone’s doing it. I guess I drink because I like the
feeling of getting drunk [even though I’ve only gotten completely wasted once].
I like the fact that nothing’s holding me back and just because I know I can
get away with murder because “I was drunk” is the best alibi anyone can have
for doing something completely and uderly stupid. As for smoking, I don’t have
a good excuse to do it. Attention? Perhaps. Curiosity? Believable. Acceptance?
I’m more than a cigarette to my friends, I know that.

 Just because I said that I
don’t know who I am doesn’t mean I don’t know what kind of traits I posses. I
do, I know a lot about me but then there are still a lot of chunks and whatever
is bigger than chunks about me that I don’t know or I just can’t figure out.
Like, if I’m a genuinely nice person or if I’m simply two- faced. If I’m
extremely moody to most people but patient when it comes to people I’d like to
impress or to people I like or if I’m just fake. If I’m emotional or if I dodge
feelings a lot or if I’m just in denial of what’s real. You know, stuff like
that. But if there’s one thing about me that I’m certain about, one thing that
I couldn’t live without, it’s writing. I love writing. Poems, songs, essays,
diary entries, random i-hate-the-world notes and etc. It’s my high. And this
assignment is making me high. HAHA.

 I guess I love writing
because it’s always easier to sound like a God and at the same time a normal
person when it’s on paper and also because in my family, it is simply
unacceptable to display feelings other than happiness unless you’re the parent.
[I guess they’re exempted cuz they’re old] And because of this holy rule I
guess I just kinda got used to faking a smile and putting on a happy show. It’s
also been my reason to write. I honestly don’t remember a time in my life when
I didn’t have a diary or a journal.  At
the moment I have 3 online blogs (www.xanga.com/aa_bebe_phat_aa,
myspace and multiply), 1 journal, 1 special notebook that I fill up with letters
for the boyfriend and tons of old notebooks that go back to when I was really
young. And as geeky as it may sound, I always look forward to filling each page
with my most personal thoughts and feelings, most of which talk about my hopes,
my dreams, love and life.

 Aside from writing, sports
have always been a good drug for me. It’s always been a good help whenever I
didn’t want to care about anyone or myself. That’s why I try to take up as many
sports as possible because it’s also a fact that I get bored of the same things
easily.

 Sometimes I think people
think that I try to do everything because I need attention or whatever. But no,
I try to do everything because no one ever said I couldn’t and because I like
the experience. I say, “They’re just jealous because I have the guts to go out
there and actually do it.”

 Guts, that’s what I wanna
be known for. I wanna be known as the girl who isn’t afraid to speak her mind
[but of course, I’d always have kick ass opinions]. I wanna be known as the
girl who did crazy things for crazy reasons but in the end, always found a way
to make her look like the good guy. I wanna be one hell of a smart ass. LMAO.

 Ever since I was a little
girl, I’ve always had a picture perfect idea of what my life would be when I
grew up. I was so sure that I would have my own family, I’d drive a car, have
kids, a husband [just one, hopefully because I don’t support divorce] and live
in a really big house. I also pictured myself as a big shot fashion designer
with my own fashion label which I’ve been planning, dreaming and preparing for
ever since I was in 1st grade. I would call my line Tish and
everyday young, teenage and adult women alike would race to the store to buy
all my designs.

 That’s still the life I
would rather have myself dreaming of but I can’t always have things my way.
[This is making me cry]

 Up until last year, my new
future was literally drawn out for me whether I wanted to live it or not. I was
told that it’s either I would take up nursing or I wouldn’t be able to go to
college at all. “Nursing is where the money is.” You wouldn’t believe how many
times I’ve heard that line and every time I play that line in my head, I feel
my insides tighten. I feel every piece of my body coil up because I never want
to be a nurse. It’s just not… me. But then again, maybe it is I just don’t know
it yet. But I swear to God, it’ll never truly
be me.

 But I’m not the kind of
person who just lets others win especially if it’s my life we’re talking about.
I don’t always have to win but I can always compromise. So now the new plan is
to take up nursing, go to the states, work for a year and go to fashion school.

 You’d think I’m a loser for
sure but ever since 3rd grade I already planned what school I’d go
to [the Fashion Institute of Design and Merchandising, NYC] and I’ve been
practicing [I’ve worked for Bisaya Ispisyal, Wacky and our company plus the
designs I’ve made that I hide because I can’t draw.] So you see how important
it is that I get to do this. Now you know why it means so much to me.

 Sometimes I’m able to tell
myself that maybe it is a good idea to take up nursing simply because I get to
get away from my family. Don’t get me wrong, I love my family to death but most
of the time, they can get so annoying. It’s just that, I’ve always had the
feeling that living with my mom and my step dad is something that one day I’d
have to pay for. Or if not, I always thought that being given the privilege to
live with them and live a better life than I could possibly have with my dad
meant that I had to be the better daughter compared to my other siblings
because if they didn’t take me, no one else would and I’d have nothing. Sometimes
doing good and accomplishing things seems more like a job than a dream.
Sometimes it feels like if I didn’t do well, I don’t deserve the blessings that
I have and that’s why sometimes failing seems like my biggest accomplishment. I
honestly cannot deny the joy I have of failing sometimes because it just feels
like something I would do and not something I’m supposed to.

 Another reason why leaving
sounds like a big burden lifted from my back is because I wouldn’t have to put
up with the common back lashing of the other parent. You see, I know my dad’s
irresponsible, I know he doesn’t care for me as much as he should and I don’t
need anyone to remind me of that because I’ve experienced it first hand. Right
now, I have a very sturdy philosophy on life and that’s to not expect too much
from anyone because in the end, you will
get disappointed, you will get hurt
and it’ll just suck like hell. I have my dad to thank for everything I believe
in. If my own family can hurt me this much, I wouldn’t be surprised if someone
else could.

 FACT: I used to cut myself.
It was a phase. I promised my mom I wouldn’t anymore though.

 FACT: One of the things I
want to do before I die is to try drugs. Not the kind you inject or you sniff
but the kind you smoke [just because I’m aware that I’m actually doing it]. I
just want to know how it feels like to be free. I wanna know how if feels like
to fly. I heard it does that. I know it’s wrong, I know what it does to the
body but I’d still do it anyways. Just once and I’d be happy.

 There’s still so much I’d
like to write about but I think I’ve taken up most of your time and my entry
could possibly be the longest one you have so I’ll just stop here and you can
talk to me whenever you want to.

 Teacher Braz, I’ve just
told you more things that I’ve ever told any adult in my whole life. I’ve told
you things I would NEVER EVER tell my own mother and I’m telling you this
because I trust you. Don’t think that I’m a bad person because I have different
point of views. I know you won’t anyways but yeah. I love you.

i dare you to read this…

Posted on by
Reply

TOO CONFIDENTIAL FOR ANYONE
TO HANDLE

 Honestly, most of the time,
I don’t know who I am or who I’m supposed to be. Most of the time I’m either
too scared to show people who I really am or I’m too scared that I’d be too
much for them and the more I think about who I am or who I’m supposed to be or
who people expect me to be, the more I don’t know who I really am and the more I
want to run away. But in short, I guess I’m just a very scared little girl who
dreams of running away way too much. Because honestly, running away seems so
easy to do but once again, I guess I’m too afraid to hurt the people who care
for me to actually do that. So my favorite times of the day are those times
when I’m alone because there’s no one around to tell me who I’m supposed to be
so it’s easier to remember who I am.

 I’ve been a Born Again
Christian for over 12 years now but I’ve only been praying and reading the
bible on a regular basis for less than 2 months now and within these past two
months of committing myself to the Lord, I’ve smoked, drank, snuck out of the
house and almost had PMS [but only because I let it happen but never again.
Never again]. All of these, except drinking, are completely against my morals
and they’ve always been against everything I believed in even before I started
truthfully going to church.

 I drink not because I think
it’s “cool” or because everyone’s doing it. I guess I drink because I like the
feeling of getting drunk [even though I’ve only gotten completely wasted once].
I like the fact that nothing’s holding me back and just because I know I can
get away with murder because “I was drunk” is the best alibi anyone can have
for doing something completely and uderly stupid. As for smoking, I don’t have
a good excuse to do it. Attention? Perhaps. Curiosity? Believable. Acceptance?
I’m more than a cigarette to my friends, I know that.

 Just because I said that I
don’t know who I am doesn’t mean I don’t know what kind of traits I posses. I
do, I know a lot about me but then there are still a lot of chunks and whatever
is bigger than chunks about me that I don’t know or I just can’t figure out.
Like, if I’m a genuinely nice person or if I’m simply two- faced. If I’m
extremely moody to most people but patient when it comes to people I’d like to
impress or to people I like or if I’m just fake. If I’m emotional or if I dodge
feelings a lot or if I’m just in denial of what’s real. You know, stuff like
that. But if there’s one thing about me that I’m certain about, one thing that
I couldn’t live without, it’s writing. I love writing. Poems, songs, essays,
diary entries, random i-hate-the-world notes and etc. It’s my high. And this
assignment is making me high. HAHA.

 I guess I love writing
because it’s always easier to sound like a God and at the same time a normal
person when it’s on paper and also because in my family, it is simply
unacceptable to display feelings other than happiness unless you’re the parent.
[I guess they’re exempted cuz they’re old] And because of this holy rule I
guess I just kinda got used to faking a smile and putting on a happy show. It’s
also been my reason to write. I honestly don’t remember a time in my life when
I didn’t have a diary or a journal.  At
the moment I have 3 online blogs (www.xanga.com/aa_bebe_phat_aa,
myspace and multiply), 1 journal, 1 special notebook that I fill up with letters
for the boyfriend and tons of old notebooks that go back to when I was really
young. And as geeky as it may sound, I always look forward to filling each page
with my most personal thoughts and feelings, most of which talk about my hopes,
my dreams, love and life.

 Aside from writing, sports
have always been a good drug for me. It’s always been a good help whenever I
didn’t want to care about anyone or myself. That’s why I try to take up as many
sports as possible because it’s also a fact that I get bored of the same things
easily.

 Sometimes I think people
think that I try to do everything because I need attention or whatever. But no,
I try to do everything because no one ever said I couldn’t and because I like
the experience. I say, “They’re just jealous because I have the guts to go out
there and actually do it.”

 Guts, that’s what I wanna
be known for. I wanna be known as the girl who isn’t afraid to speak her mind
[but of course, I’d always have kick ass opinions]. I wanna be known as the
girl who did crazy things for crazy reasons but in the end, always found a way
to make her look like the good guy. I wanna be one hell of a smart ass. LMAO.

 Ever since I was a little
girl, I’ve always had a picture perfect idea of what my life would be when I
grew up. I was so sure that I would have my own family, I’d drive a car, have
kids, a husband [just one, hopefully because I don’t support divorce] and live
in a really big house. I also pictured myself as a big shot fashion designer
with my own fashion label which I’ve been planning, dreaming and preparing for
ever since I was in 1st grade. I would call my line Tish and
everyday young, teenage and adult women alike would race to the store to buy
all my designs.

 That’s still the life I
would rather have myself dreaming of but I can’t always have things my way.
[This is making me cry]

 Up until last year, my new
future was literally drawn out for me whether I wanted to live it or not. I was
told that it’s either I would take up nursing or I wouldn’t be able to go to
college at all. “Nursing is where the money is.” You wouldn’t believe how many
times I’ve heard that line and every time I play that line in my head, I feel
my insides tighten. I feel every piece of my body coil up because I never want
to be a nurse. It’s just not… me. But then again, maybe it is I just don’t know
it yet. But I swear to God, it’ll never truly
be me.

 But I’m not the kind of
person who just lets others win especially if it’s my life we’re talking about.
I don’t always have to win but I can always compromise. So now the new plan is
to take up nursing, go to the states, work for a year and go to fashion school.

 You’d think I’m a loser for
sure but ever since 3rd grade I already planned what school I’d go
to [the Fashion Institute of Design and Merchandising, NYC] and I’ve been
practicing [I’ve worked for Bisaya Ispisyal, Wacky and our company plus the
designs I’ve made that I hide because I can’t draw.] So you see how important
it is that I get to do this. Now you know why it means so much to me.

 Sometimes I’m able to tell
myself that maybe it is a good idea to take up nursing simply because I get to
get away from my family. Don’t get me wrong, I love my family to death but most
of the time, they can get so annoying. It’s just that, I’ve always had the
feeling that living with my mom and my step dad is something that one day I’d
have to pay for. Or if not, I always thought that being given the privilege to
live with them and live a better life than I could possibly have with my dad
meant that I had to be the better daughter compared to my other siblings
because if they didn’t take me, no one else would and I’d have nothing. Sometimes
doing good and accomplishing things seems more like a job than a dream.
Sometimes it feels like if I didn’t do well, I don’t deserve the blessings that
I have and that’s why sometimes failing seems like my biggest accomplishment. I
honestly cannot deny the joy I have of failing sometimes because it just feels
like something I would do and not something I’m supposed to.

 Another reason why leaving
sounds like a big burden lifted from my back is because I wouldn’t have to put
up with the common back lashing of the other parent. You see, I know my dad’s
irresponsible, I know he doesn’t care for me as much as he should and I don’t
need anyone to remind me of that because I’ve experienced it first hand. Right
now, I have a very sturdy philosophy on life and that’s to not expect too much
from anyone because in the end, you will
get disappointed, you will get hurt
and it’ll just suck like hell. I have my dad to thank for everything I believe
in. If my own family can hurt me this much, I wouldn’t be surprised if someone
else could.

 FACT: I used to cut myself.
It was a phase. I promised my mom I wouldn’t anymore though.

 FACT: One of the things I
want to do before I die is to try drugs. Not the kind you inject or you sniff
but the kind you smoke [just because I’m aware that I’m actually doing it]. I
just want to know how it feels like to be free. I wanna know how if feels like
to fly. I heard it does that. I know it’s wrong, I know what it does to the
body but I’d still do it anyways. Just once and I’d be happy.

 There’s still so much I’d
like to write about but I think I’ve taken up most of your time and my entry
could possibly be the longest one you have so I’ll just stop here and you can
talk to me whenever you want to.

 Teacher Braz, I’ve just
told you more things that I’ve ever told any adult in my whole life. I’ve told
you things I would NEVER EVER tell my own mother and I’m telling you this
because I trust you. Don’t think that I’m a bad person because I have different
point of views. I know you won’t anyways but yeah. I love you.

can you f’in dream like me?!

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Reply

Jean Louise I. Chua IV- Platinum                                                     June 25, 2007

 

Of Dreams and Little Wishes

 

          It’s funny how dreaming comes so naturally for all of us.
And it’s silly how some of us dream and dream our all lives and wake up one day
to the bitter reality that we’ve either dreamed too much or we haven’t been
dreaming enough. Another funny thing about dreaming is how they are constantly
changing which just goes to show how we never really know what we want.

 

          When I was a little girl, I used to dream of being a
princess locked up in a tower with lots of toys and candy. I used to dream and
believe that if I dreamt that I was a princess long enough, I’d eventually turn
into one.

 

          As time few by, I realized that there wouldn’t be any
castle or rooms full of toys or candy. So to channel my disappointment, I
dreamed of different things. Things I could picture myself actually being.

 

          I dreamt of being a veterinarian (because I love animals),
a professional dog-handler (because I love dogs more than any animal in the
whole world), a writer (because I love to write), an actress (because I think I can act), a lawyer (because I
love steamy debates and I’m a good liar too), an internist (because that’s what
my mother brain washed me into wanting to be) and so many other things.

 

          And like many dreams, these wishes easily left as soon as
they came and I was again faced with endless possibilities of what I wanted to
be.

 

          But among all the things I’ve wanted and wished for, my
dream of being a fashion designer is the only real dream I’ve ever wanted to
accomplish more than anything in the entire world.  It’s just something that I’ve seriously wanted
to be. And I could tell you all the reasons why but I’d rather not. [hehe]

 

          If I could have all these things, that’d be great! I swear,
I’d be nothing but grateful. But if I’d have to choose between a life of glitz,
glamour and luxury over the one thing that I’d rather have for the rest of my
life, I’d change everything I’ve ever wanted in a minute. Because the truth is,
the one thing I truly dream for in life is to be happy – truly happy.

 

I want
to live the kind of life which doesn’t require me to look back and wish I did
this or wish I didn’t do that. I want to live a life surrounded by family and
friends and tons of blessings.

 

Don’t
let the package fool you, mister. I’m just a simple girl with simple wants and
wishes, is all. I’m not that high
maintenance.

can you f’in dream like me?!

Posted on by
Reply

Jean Louise I. Chua IV- Platinum                                                     June 25, 2007

 

Of Dreams and Little Wishes

 

          It’s funny how dreaming comes so naturally for all of us.
And it’s silly how some of us dream and dream our all lives and wake up one day
to the bitter reality that we’ve either dreamed too much or we haven’t been
dreaming enough. Another funny thing about dreaming is how they are constantly
changing which just goes to show how we never really know what we want.

 

          When I was a little girl, I used to dream of being a
princess locked up in a tower with lots of toys and candy. I used to dream and
believe that if I dreamt that I was a princess long enough, I’d eventually turn
into one.

 

          As time few by, I realized that there wouldn’t be any
castle or rooms full of toys or candy. So to channel my disappointment, I
dreamed of different things. Things I could picture myself actually being.

 

          I dreamt of being a veterinarian (because I love animals),
a professional dog-handler (because I love dogs more than any animal in the
whole world), a writer (because I love to write), an actress (because I think I can act), a lawyer (because I
love steamy debates and I’m a good liar too), an internist (because that’s what
my mother brain washed me into wanting to be) and so many other things.

 

          And like many dreams, these wishes easily left as soon as
they came and I was again faced with endless possibilities of what I wanted to
be.

 

          But among all the things I’ve wanted and wished for, my
dream of being a fashion designer is the only real dream I’ve ever wanted to
accomplish more than anything in the entire world.  It’s just something that I’ve seriously wanted
to be. And I could tell you all the reasons why but I’d rather not. [hehe]

 

          If I could have all these things, that’d be great! I swear,
I’d be nothing but grateful. But if I’d have to choose between a life of glitz,
glamour and luxury over the one thing that I’d rather have for the rest of my
life, I’d change everything I’ve ever wanted in a minute. Because the truth is,
the one thing I truly dream for in life is to be happy – truly happy.

 

I want
to live the kind of life which doesn’t require me to look back and wish I did
this or wish I didn’t do that. I want to live a life surrounded by family and
friends and tons of blessings.

 

Don’t
let the package fool you, mister. I’m just a simple girl with simple wants and
wishes, is all. I’m not that high
maintenance.

can you f’in dream like me?!

Posted on by
Reply

Jean Louise I. Chua IV- Platinum                                                     June 25, 2007

 

Of Dreams and Little Wishes

 

          It’s funny how dreaming comes so naturally for all of us.
And it’s silly how some of us dream and dream our all lives and wake up one day
to the bitter reality that we’ve either dreamed too much or we haven’t been
dreaming enough. Another funny thing about dreaming is how they are constantly
changing which just goes to show how we never really know what we want.

 

          When I was a little girl, I used to dream of being a
princess locked up in a tower with lots of toys and candy. I used to dream and
believe that if I dreamt that I was a princess long enough, I’d eventually turn
into one.

 

          As time few by, I realized that there wouldn’t be any
castle or rooms full of toys or candy. So to channel my disappointment, I
dreamed of different things. Things I could picture myself actually being.

 

          I dreamt of being a veterinarian (because I love animals),
a professional dog-handler (because I love dogs more than any animal in the
whole world), a writer (because I love to write), an actress (because I think I can act), a lawyer (because I
love steamy debates and I’m a good liar too), an internist (because that’s what
my mother brain washed me into wanting to be) and so many other things.

 

          And like many dreams, these wishes easily left as soon as
they came and I was again faced with endless possibilities of what I wanted to
be.

 

          But among all the things I’ve wanted and wished for, my
dream of being a fashion designer is the only real dream I’ve ever wanted to
accomplish more than anything in the entire world.  It’s just something that I’ve seriously wanted
to be. And I could tell you all the reasons why but I’d rather not. [hehe]

 

          If I could have all these things, that’d be great! I swear,
I’d be nothing but grateful. But if I’d have to choose between a life of glitz,
glamour and luxury over the one thing that I’d rather have for the rest of my
life, I’d change everything I’ve ever wanted in a minute. Because the truth is,
the one thing I truly dream for in life is to be happy – truly happy.

 

I want
to live the kind of life which doesn’t require me to look back and wish I did
this or wish I didn’t do that. I want to live a life surrounded by family and
friends and tons of blessings.

 

Don’t
let the package fool you, mister. I’m just a simple girl with simple wants and
wishes, is all. I’m not that high
maintenance.

bending backwards

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Reply
oh, what a perfect day for another annual sobfest.
aren’t you used to this yet?

is it just me or has anyone ever felt the feeling that there will always be certain occassions in your life where no matter what you do or no matter how hard you try to get away from something, you will always be responsible for something that happened or something that is bound to happen? or like, the fact that you are part of someone directly makes you a rebound? if he isn’t here to be pissed at, you automatically get the nasty remarks. and because he’s not here to take the blame, you get it instead.

that’s exactly how i feel..

i do not doubt the fact that my dad loves me because love is so easy to give. my god, i could love a monkeys ass if i wanted to – that is, if i wanted. but no, i’m not asking anyone to love me, especially him because i honestly doubt that he knows what love really is. i want him to start acting like a dad and do something. because no one can live on love alone especially not me. not when i’m living off a guy who isn’t my blood but is pretending and trying his best to be for me all because that person who’s supposed to be doing all those daddy stuff isn’t here for me. or has never ever been there for me. and that is a fact and no one can ever try to deny that.

i know i should probably cut him some slack but i’m telling myself not to consider him anymore because he has never for a second considered me or my mom or my papa. and that’s just something i’ve been having to live with ever since before.

it just sucks to know that my mom and papa are so disappointed because he’s not doing his responsibilties. yes, it’s about money again and i know that i should be greatful that he already sends 1000 a month but seriously, i’m not stupid. i know that’s not him. and the fact that he needs his sister and mother to cover up for him just hurts a lot because in the end, i’ll end up looking like the dumb one.

another thing is, i justhate the fact that they’re mad/upset or whatever. because honestly, it feels like it’s my fault again. it feels like i should take the blame because he’s not here to take it. it feels like all their anger is going to pile up on me because i’m never going to have the guts to tell him this because i know he’ll tell me some sad sob story about how he doesn’t eat or how he works soo hard to support his family and whatever. aren’t i family too? don’t i deserve more than 1 k a month? that’s not even enough to pay for my bus, bitch.

the thing with him is, he thinks that that’s enough. he’s never even asked how i buy clothes or where i get the money to go out with friends. he doesn’t even ask me how much a get a week or if what he gives is enough. he thinks giving me a check for a luosy 1k is going to get him off the hook. it’s not like that. shallow a reality pill, buddy.

geez, sometimes the feeling of being a responsibility and burden is too much for me to handle. that’s why i can’t wait to finish college and live my own life. then i wouldn’t have to put with this.

so now, i’m not going to depend on him anymore. nor am i going to depend on my granny or tita annie to pick me up at school anymore. i think it’s better if we just forgot that we ever meant anything to each other. i guess it’ll be a little less complicated that way.

i hate the fact that we’re slaves of money. :[

as for my parents.. wa. na uwaw lang ko. cuz it’s my fault. or it just really feels like it is. idk. i’m always the problem.

bending backwards

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oh, what a perfect day for another annual sobfest.
aren’t you used to this yet?

is it just me or has anyone ever felt the feeling that there will always be certain occassions in your life where no matter what you do or no matter how hard you try to get away from something, you will always be responsible for something that happened or something that is bound to happen? or like, the fact that you are part of someone directly makes you a rebound? if he isn’t here to be pissed at, you automatically get the nasty remarks. and because he’s not here to take the blame, you get it instead.

that’s exactly how i feel..

i do not doubt the fact that my dad loves me because love is so easy to give. my god, i could love a monkeys ass if i wanted to – that is, if i wanted. but no, i’m not asking anyone to love me, especially him because i honestly doubt that he knows what love really is. i want him to start acting like a dad and do something. because no one can live on love alone especially not me. not when i’m living off a guy who isn’t my blood but is pretending and trying his best to be for me all because that person who’s supposed to be doing all those daddy stuff isn’t here for me. or has never ever been there for me. and that is a fact and no one can ever try to deny that.

i know i should probably cut him some slack but i’m telling myself not to consider him anymore because he has never for a second considered me or my mom or my papa. and that’s just something i’ve been having to live with ever since before.

it just sucks to know that my mom and papa are so disappointed because he’s not doing his responsibilties. yes, it’s about money again and i know that i should be greatful that he already sends 1000 a month but seriously, i’m not stupid. i know that’s not him. and the fact that he needs his sister and mother to cover up for him just hurts a lot because in the end, i’ll end up looking like the dumb one.

another thing is, i justhate the fact that they’re mad/upset or whatever. because honestly, it feels like it’s my fault again. it feels like i should take the blame because he’s not here to take it. it feels like all their anger is going to pile up on me because i’m never going to have the guts to tell him this because i know he’ll tell me some sad sob story about how he doesn’t eat or how he works soo hard to support his family and whatever. aren’t i family too? don’t i deserve more than 1 k a month? that’s not even enough to pay for my bus, bitch.

the thing with him is, he thinks that that’s enough. he’s never even asked how i buy clothes or where i get the money to go out with friends. he doesn’t even ask me how much a get a week or if what he gives is enough. he thinks giving me a check for a luosy 1k is going to get him off the hook. it’s not like that. shallow a reality pill, buddy.

geez, sometimes the feeling of being a responsibility and burden is too much for me to handle. that’s why i can’t wait to finish college and live my own life. then i wouldn’t have to put with this.

so now, i’m not going to depend on him anymore. nor am i going to depend on my granny or tita annie to pick me up at school anymore. i think it’s better if we just forgot that we ever meant anything to each other. i guess it’ll be a little less complicated that way.

i hate the fact that we’re slaves of money. :[

as for my parents.. wa. na uwaw lang ko. cuz it’s my fault. or it just really feels like it is. idk. i’m always the problem.

because i’m oh so bored

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1. The phone rings. Who do you want it
to be?
> james. or my best friends. or someone i haven’t talked to in a very long time. anyone except my dad.

2. When shopping at the grocery store, do you return your cart?
> am i required to? i never do.

3. If you had to kiss the last person you kissed, would you?
> OVER AND OVER AGAIN

4. Do you take compliments well?
> i just laugh or idk.

5. Do you play Sudoku?
> i haven’t played in a long time but i love sodoku!

6. If abandoned alone in the wilderness, would you survive?
> i’d find ways but eventually give up. HAHA

7. Do you like nipple rings?
> ew, gross.

8. Did you ever go to camp as a kid?
> yeah, with jimmy.

10. If a sexy person was pursuing you, but you knew he/she was married what would you do?
> gwapo na, di? HAHA.

12. Could you date someone with different religious beliefs than you?
> date man kaha, not marry.

13. Do you like to pursue or be pursued?
> i’d say pursue. i think.

14. Use three words to describe yourself at the moment.
> bored, hungry, bored, hungry

15. Do any songs make you cry?
> yeah. one sweet day. haven’t heard it in FOREVER.

16. Are you continuing your education?
> yeah, i guess.

17. Do you know how to shoot a gun?
> is there a special way of shooting? i wouldn’t know. i’m not barbaric. or something.

18. If your house was on fire, what would be the first thing you grabbed?
> phone, diaries!

19. Who was the last person you shared a bed with?
> sibs, i guess.

20. Who do you call the most?
> james

21. Favorite children’s book?
> don’t have any

22. what color are your eyes?
> black ra intawn :[

23. How tall are you?
>  too tall for you to handle. HAHA. i wish.

24. Do you have a crush on ‘Dave the Goofy Professor’?
> who?

25. If you could do it over again, start from scratch, would you?
> uhm, no. i’ve learned alot. that’s what’s important.

26. Any secret admirers?
> oh.

27. Have you ever taken pictures in a photo booth?
> yep. way back with my mom and dad. those things are uber cool. lol

28. When was the last time you were at Olive Garden?
> kanang, saunang panahon pa to. i’m too cool for that place man gud. HAHA. jk

30. What is your favorite country?
> europe [wait, country na or continent? ambot.]

32. Do you like mustard?
> nooo. ew!

33. Do you prefer to sleep or eat?
> eat then sleep :p and then die from bangungot

34. Do you look like your mom or dad?
> most people say i look like my mom. some say my dad nya ang pinaka simang kai akong papa. liwat kuno ko niya. HELLO, PWEDE BA YAN?! hahahaha.

35. How long does it take you in the shower?
> depends.

36. Can you do splits?
> hell. i wouldn’t want to.

37. What movie do you want to see
right now?
> ratatouille

39. What did you do for New Year’s Eve?
> sit down and watch the fire works. i don’t have anyone my age to spend new years eve with :[ i hate the holidays

40. Do you think The Grudge was crappy?
> no,i  thought it was scary!!

42. Do you own a camera phone?
> yes, po

44. Was your mom a cheerleader?
> i doubt.

45. What’s the last letter of your middle name?
> o for oooooooooooopen wide HAHAHA

47. How many hours of sleep do you get a night?
> around 7- 8

48. Do you like care bears?
> yeah, they’re cute :]

49. What do you buy at the Movies?
> candy!!

50. Do you know how to play poker?
> lagz hasn’t taught me how yet :[

51. Do you wear seatbelt?
> hardly. i’m veery dangerous like that ;]

52. What do you wear to sleep?
> nothing. HAHA. jk. shorts, shirt. shirt.

53. Anything big ever happen in your town?
> city mani. and yeah, all the time.

55. Is your tongue pierced?
> not YET

56. Do you like Liver and Onions?
> gross.

57.Have you ever been in love?
> yes. yes, i have. or i am. :]

58. Do you like funny or serious people better?
> seriously funny :p haha. no, i’d like a mix of both.

59. Ever been to L.A.?
> opo.

61. Do you visit goofyauctions.com daily?
> i think i’ll start ;P
my god, that place was coool. HAHA

63. Do you hate chocolate?
> only when it’s chocolate ice cream or cake.

64. What do you and your parents fight about the most?
> idk, money. my papa lies to my mom about stuff like that cuz my mom is tihik kunohay. my god, woman. money ought to be spent.

65?

66. Do you need a boyfriend/girlfriend to be happy?
> honestly, no. they’re just icings on the cake. but i’m lucky to have my icing :]

67. If you could have any job what would it be?
> a hoooker!! HAHA. jk. uhm, a super duper model!

68. Are you easy to get along with?
> depends.

69. What is your favorite time of day?
> before i go to sleep :]

70. Are you a generally happy person?
>uhm..yeah. i think i am