i guess it’s just a regular lazy sunday except i got a lot of things done today.

1. went to church
2. bought new shoes
3. had my picture taken
4. helped casey study
5. did james’s homework thing
6. blah blah blah

idk. today basically sucked. i was holding james’s hand in church and i was thinking to myself, i have to make it right because this is the last time i’m seeing him for the week and then my hell starts again but then when you’re pissed, i guess you just can’t control what you’re thinking or what you say or you just can’t control anything.

    i think we were on the verge of breaking up today. or maybe he was and i was just waiting for him to do it. but he didn’t and i don’t know why. right now, it just feels like we’re not together even if we are. for me, at least. i haven’t been in the mood to text or talk to him the whole day because i’ve been hung up and depressed and i just want to know if he really did want to break up with me and are we still together tonight only because i wouldn’t and he doesn’t “break up” with girls.

idk, today just fucking sucks and i wish it would get better but i know that it can’t and it probably won’t.

i threw a coin in the fountain at ayala today. and i wished for 2 and only 2 things:
1. that we’d be ok
2. that there’s still hope for this always and forever thing.

sad sunday. perfect. that’s what i’m calling today.

i’m lost and i need those beautiful words i’ve been dying to hear the whole day.

i wish i wasn’t so paranoid.

fucking hell, i wish i didn’t care soo much.

whatever. this is  pathetic and not to mention depressing.

my philosophy on life:
    “just don’t trust. period.”

do you know what people’s problems are?
    they conclude that just because you got into a big fight on the bus the day before and just because it leaked out and just because you’re not going to dance anymore and just because you got called by the teacher and just because you had probably the 3rd oddest conference in your life [first with the chua and perez’s (summer), kathya and then this] and just because you have no one to hang out with and just because people just started noticing, they just go ahead and think [and say] that your officially “sad” and miserable when the truth is, i’m not.

    i dont care about not leaving any foot prints behind at my high school because half of the people you ask don’t even know that that fucking school exists.

    i don’t care that i don’t get to dance because it’s just a batch name. i have a more important job to do. cebu city olymmpics. something that yumi and her long chin could NEVER beat.

    i don’t care that i won’t be able to dance this year because i’ll be in college soon that means parties wit lots of dancing and  lots of dancing for PE.
 
    and i’d like to say that it’s just dancing but unfortunately, to me, it’s not just dancing.

  
    and i don’t care that i’m not talking to jet because i never liked him and i find great comfort in knowing that nobody really does either.

    and i don’t care that i’m not talking to kathya because i’ve gone 6 months without talking to her and trust me, i can do it again. this time, without the break down.

    and i don’t care that i’m not talking to josh because HE among everyone else i’ve mentioned let me down and hurt me the most. he left me alone because he chose his girlfriend over his best friend [again]. he never came up to me to comfort me or talk to me or even bother to be human enough to fix our problems.

    i hate people. i really really do.

    and i don’t care if the seniors loose and if i let down a lot of people by refusing to dance even if me and yumi are on neutral grounds. i don’t care. people disappoint people. it’s my turn to let everyone else down and feel pretty damn good about myself because i do. god, i swear i do.

    if we loose, well, you did say you could do it yourself.

    so good luck with the rest of your lives, bitches.

    i’ll be driving in 3 weeks or so.

and the worse feeling in the world is that, there was no one in that entire room to make me feel better or like i could get through. not even my best friend/s. all i felt in that room were people who wanted to know the details of what was happening to get a little entertainment in their lives.

probably karma from being such a mother fucking saddist. geez.

i think i’ve just had the worst 2 days of my high school life – ever. but i guess it’s bearable because i’m in my senior year and i’ll be saying my g’byes to their sorry asses in a few months anyways. but still. not the point. i swear. i don’t think i’ve ever been this mad, pride striken and MAD so far. i mean, i am completely aware that i am being a bitch to almost everyone in my batch but that’s just because i don’t care, really. they make my life complicated, i do the same – times two. [i like to believe i’m capable of doing so.]

and all this over a fucking cheer dance.

now, i don’t know who’s to blame. i don’t care. i said things i probably shouldn’t have said and yumi said some things she shouldn’t have said either. she just probably likes it when people’re are crawling. let’s see if you can do such an awesome job yourself since dancing is YOUR passion.

yeah, like it’s not mine either. fuck.

but you know what? it kinda doesn’t matter because i’m backing out of the whole dancing thing and along with that, i am refusing to have our workers sew their stupid costumes, too. and i’m still trying to find a way to convince my aunt not to do the varsity and batch’s volleyball AND basketball jerseys either. god, help me do this. [although i doubt he will considering the fact that god doesn’t grant such prayers. but i’m still praying for it anyways]

i swear, if i was powerful i’d probably have someone burn down their houses. HAHA.

honestly, i don’t mind that people are mad at me and that they are hating me. hell, i’m annoyed by everyone just the same. i’m just pissed cuz my friends’re taking sides. :[ some friends i have. and because once again, i CANNOT trust ANYONE.

a lot of people’re going around and saying that i’m full of myself. i know i am. it’s my defense mechanism. you treat me like shit, i treat you like i’m better than you. that’s how i live and i’m not sorry for that. whatever. high school sucks. i’m really for it to end.

but anyways, yeah yeah. i’m practically the most hated person in my batch right now and that doesn’t bother me. what bothers me is that , i have to go through all of this alone.

i wish i didn’t have to go to school tomorrow or that we’d be pilled with heaps of shit. i wish for that.

and also that yumi bumps her head and gets a hemorage and DIES.

did i mention that i have a new phone?

and i won 2nd runner up for ms. agham [that thing i HAD to join]

james met my extended family [grandmother, grandfather, tito and tita tina]

we hit 5!!Ü

and then we fought that day. soo sad. but we’re ok now.

i joined the district meet and i won. i’m the singles champion for district V.
i’m on my way to the cebu city oympics. yeah, boy!!

and what else?

oh yeah, STC Intramurals. so much school stuff to do PLUS our intrams that’s coming up and i’m soo behind from skipping too many classes and shit. rarr.

i’d love to update more but yeah, i’m busy. still. 😦

entertain yourselves.

here.

those are the worst. and i’ve been thinking about both the whole day.
* god, enlighten me.

ok let me start…

so yeah, i guess i’m really REALLY beginning to realize that you really can’t trust anyone. no matter how many times they tell you that you can or no matter how much you think you can because the reality that i now choose to believe is that, there realy is no such thing as “trust”.

i don’t know much about trust. the only thing i know about it is that i trust you with my heart and i hope that’s enough.

i wrote that a few months ago for james and i’m thinking about it now and i’m thinking… maybe it’s not so much on the “trusting” him with my heart but it’s more about the giving it to him and hoping and counting that he knows what he’s supposed to do with it.

i am simply in denial about the entire exitense of such a thing called “trust”

but yeah. what is trust, really? telling someone something and knowing that that person would keep it to him or herself until the day he/she died? or at least until it was safe to speak out? because that’s impossible and i can enumerate a lot of reasons why this is so.

one is simply because people have the inabiity to STFU.

so who is there to tell all our secrets and fears and wishes and dreams to?

[note: james is excluded from all these ques.]

i learned recently that i have to be very careful about the things i choose to tell people. i also learned that the older you get, the less trust worthy you become.

but whatever. the secret’s out and there’s really no point in keeping it in anyways.

tonight mommy asked me if i regretted transferring to mmch.

i said,

“all the time.”

but really. i’m still kinda confused if i regret it or not. mmch isn’t such a bad place to be in. i guess.

i can’t lie. i miss it there soo soo much. that place, those walls – they feel like home to me. it reminds me of who i used to be and it reminds me of so many experiences in my life that i’m never going to forget – ever. it’s like, i compare it to my school now and it is so easy for me to conclude that i am never going to remember mmch as much as i’m going to remember stc. and i’m a girl so it’s no suprise that i’m so sentimental about that place.

and it’s been 3 years already and i’ve hardly gotten over this.

so, do i regret it? i really want to say yes, i do but then i want to live a life where i don’t have to have any regrets.i want to live a life where i am able to say that i made my own decisions and whether i am truly happy or not, it has molded me into a better person.

but screw that. hell yeah, i guess i do regret moving.

don’t get me wrong, i love my new friends but being left behind from all that high school drama and being able to be with my friends everyday until i’m practically sick of their faces is something i really miss. and i guess i miss it because it doesn’t matter where i go, i know that i’m never going to find another group of people like them. and to be deprived of that opportunity really does make you regret.

sometimes i wonder what i would be like if i stayed. and i’m scared to think that if i did stay, i’d be the same rotten girl i used to be when i was there. i’m scared that if i chose to stay, i’d still be lost and confused and hurting. and i look at the situation i’m in now and i can’t help but feel a little bit more secure than i’ve ever been before.

high school should just end right now, you know? so i wouldn’t have to be feeling this way. so i wouldn’t feel so rotten and pms striken.

i swear. i hate being a girl sometimes.

geez.

i’m done moping.

XoXo.

[because hugs are better than kisses]

those are the worst. and i’ve been thinking about both the whole day.
* god, enlighten me.

ok let me start…

so yeah, i guess i’m really REALLY beginning to realize that you really can’t trust anyone. no matter how many times they tell you that you can or no matter how much you think you can because the reality that i now choose to believe is that, there realy is no such thing as “trust”.

i don’t know much about trust. the only thing i know about it is that i trust you with my heart and i hope that’s enough.

i wrote that a few months ago for james and i’m thinking about it now and i’m thinking… maybe it’s not so much on the “trusting” him with my heart but it’s more about the giving it to him and hoping and counting that he knows what he’s supposed to do with it.

i am simply in denial about the entire exitense of such a thing called “trust”

but yeah. what is trust, really? telling someone something and knowing that that person would keep it to him or herself until the day he/she died? or at least until it was safe to speak out? because that’s impossible and i can enumerate a lot of reasons why this is so.

one is simply because people have the inabiity to STFU.

so who is there to tell all our secrets and fears and wishes and dreams to?

[note: james is excluded from all these ques.]

i learned recently that i have to be very careful about the things i choose to tell people. i also learned that the older you get, the less trust worthy you become.

but whatever. the secret’s out and there’s really no point in keeping it in anyways.

tonight mommy asked me if i regretted transferring to mmch.

i said,

“all the time.”

but really. i’m still kinda confused if i regret it or not. mmch isn’t such a bad place to be in. i guess.

i can’t lie. i miss it there soo soo much. that place, those walls – they feel like home to me. it reminds me of who i used to be and it reminds me of so many experiences in my life that i’m never going to forget – ever. it’s like, i compare it to my school now and it is so easy for me to conclude that i am never going to remember mmch as much as i’m going to remember stc. and i’m a girl so it’s no suprise that i’m so sentimental about that place.

and it’s been 3 years already and i’ve hardly gotten over this.

so, do i regret it? i really want to say yes, i do but then i want to live a life where i don’t have to have any regrets.i want to live a life where i am able to say that i made my own decisions and whether i am truly happy or not, it has molded me into a better person.

but screw that. hell yeah, i guess i do regret moving.

don’t get me wrong, i love my new friends but being left behind from all that high school drama and being able to be with my friends everyday until i’m practically sick of their faces is something i really miss. and i guess i miss it because it doesn’t matter where i go, i know that i’m never going to find another group of people like them. and to be deprived of that opportunity really does make you regret.

sometimes i wonder what i would be like if i stayed. and i’m scared to think that if i did stay, i’d be the same rotten girl i used to be when i was there. i’m scared that if i chose to stay, i’d still be lost and confused and hurting. and i look at the situation i’m in now and i can’t help but feel a little bit more secure than i’ve ever been before.

high school should just end right now, you know? so i wouldn’t have to be feeling this way. so i wouldn’t feel so rotten and pms striken.

i swear. i hate being a girl sometimes.

geez.

i’m done moping.

XoXo.

[because hugs are better than kisses]