last summer, me and gerlie were chatting and i randomly started our random conversation just like any other random conversation i had that day/night/something. you know, with an “what’s up?” [or something. you get the idea. you’re not retarded. or at least i hope you’re not. lol] and then she told me she was looking at this website where people expose their secrets but in a really interesting way, though. they make pictures about their secrets and then they submit it to the administrator and then that person posts them, i guess. it was a really interesting site. [ i just forgot the website. i have to ask her again. soon. i’ll really try to remember.]

it’s actually kinda pornographic for me, too. lol. but yeah, i just love it and i guess i’m posting it [w/o permission, btw. HAHA] because i know that a lot of other girls [and guys, proli] can relate, too. because as much as i want to be the sarcastic little *itch that i’ve learned to love oh-so-much, i can’t deny that for the longest time, i wanted everyone to believe that i hated love or that i didn’t believe in it. i wanted people to think that i was too good for it or i wanted them to think that i thought it was overrtaed or that if there was such a thing as love, it wasn’t for me. i wanted to be the person who didn’t value relationships the way girls did simply because i was tired of getting hurt and i was tired of liking [maybe even loving]  someone who wouldn’t give that kind of love back.

but the truth is, the more i kept making people believe that, the more hungry i became. the more i craved for it and the more hurt i became because that thing i wanted, that little piece of sweetness in my life just wasn’t coming for me. and if it was, it wasn’t going in the right direction.

and the thing is, the more you say you don’t want something like that, the reality is, that in the inside, you’ve never wanted anything more. and that’s just it. and i guess you guys know what i mean.

but then, i guess i got lucky because someone did prove me wrong. [and i won’t say who. as if it wasn’t obvious enough. pffft.] i guess there was one person who felt exactly the same way i did and felt like he was that person who was going to make me believe it even if maybe he didn’t at first. i guess there was this person who knew exactly what i wanted and knew that he was supposed to give it to me no matter how crazy it would seem for us or for everyone else. [not like i care but yeah. lol]

and i’ve learned that when you’re busted – dude, you’re busted and there’s just no getting out of it. and i got busted. but look at me now, i’ve never been happier [despite all the **** [ii can’t help it] i’ve been through already]

i guess i learned that when you’re there and you know it’s your time to be wrong and it’s your time to be proven wrong, the best thing to do is to just give in and pray to god that it’ll be worth it in the end. and it usually is.

and it actually feels good to be proven wrong for once. just for once, though. i like being right most of the time ;]

i’ve always believed that we have to screw up and get hurt and probably even bleed so badly before we finally get to be with that one person we’re meant to be with for the rest of our lives. i’ve always  believed that we had to go through all these just to we woud really know how lucky we are and how blessed we are so that we would know how much we were willing to fight for that person because we couldn’t stand not being with them. and quite frankly, i aways believed in love. i was just waiting for someone to prove me wrong and now that i have, i wouldn’t give it up for world.

i’m not saying i’m completely right. i’m not saying that i’m wrong either.
i’m saying that i got lucky. and everyone else is bound to get their share of luck too. even if you keep telling the world you won’t.

g’night.
issa. x]

it’s a saturday evening and i’m just at home. james has fallen asleep on me and i have to make this font extra big cuz everything seems blurry right now. maybe because i played tennis 5 hours straight the church the whole afternoon then hung out with the family and i’ve been watching one tree hill and fixing my room and maybe i just really need to rest right now. or maybe my astigmatism is back. you know.. since last last friday.

i’m home now. but i’ll blog later.

my papa wants to pick me up and talk.
i don’t think i’m ready for this yet.
i don’t think i have the guts to face them either.

and god, i’m scared. i need you so much.
i need you.
i need drugs.
i need a cigarette.
i need to get wasted again.

x| <- me, if this REALLY pulls through

i just came home from the mall and from kenji’s party. my whole day practically rocked. except for some parts of it.

like:
when i went home to get the rest of my stuff
when i cried because i heard about what was going on at home with me away
when me and james fought and i was screaming at timezone cuz i was so pissed.
when i ran into my tita
when today ended :[

and yeah. i got my little taste of rebellion. ALMOST got wasted tonight. haha. thank jeebuz for boracays and for tequila’s and for James who never leaves me alone. i’m such a baby. i need a baby sitter and everything. holy macaroni.

we had a really good night together. i mean, i got to have fun with my friends and after that i got to hang out with him and just have our own time together and talk about all the shit that’s been going on in my life. [my life ra. his life i practically perfect.it makes me jealous. i’m the only thing not perfect about it.] which leads me to this prayer. [because we’re scared that my mom would tell his parents and then that just wouldn’t be good. that would just be good-bye issa and james]

god,

    ok, maybe this is so hard for us because maybe we’re too young to be “in love”. but god, you were the one who gave him to me during your time and this is probably the only thing i’d go against my parents for. because everything else would either be stupid or irrational. my life is so screwed right now and it kinda feels like i’m loosing everything. it feels like you’re putting me to the ultimate test to see if i can make it through. god, i swear i won’t do anything stupid – if you just let me keep him. [i don’t mean to give conditions and i know you have your reasons for doing things but if he wasn’t in my life i honestly wouldn’t understand those reasons ever and i proli couldn’t pass this test] he’s the only thing that keeps me strong. you know my heart, lord and everything that’s in it so you know that i’m not lying or just saying this.
god, i know what i did was stupid but i have my reasons and you know all without me having to list them down. and god, i know what my parents can do. you made them strong people. but not as strong as you. god, please don’t let them ruin this for me. it’s the only thing i can actually pray for right now. because if eveyrthing’s ok with me and him, then everything’s going to be ok with everyone else.
i know i’m such a selfish person putting my boyfriend ahead of my family. god, i love my family but when i felt like i didn’t have one, he was always there for me and he made me feel like he was. and he is. you know what i want with him, lord. and i’m praying, that by your will, that actually gets to happen.
i guess he’s my modern day god. maybe that’s my sin. and i feelbad because i’ve slipped away again and i’m running back to you when everything’s a mess. i hope you’d still take me in and make everything all right.
i don’t wanna go home but i want us to be alright.
i hope that’s what you have planned for me.

amen.

issa <-3

p.s. i got a new dress today. who thought, you leave your house, you get a new dress? life is something. something wild.

let’s just live, ok?

i just got home from school today. school was… something. i think today’s emo week. yumi’s in the hospital right now, internal hemorage [idk how to spell it] basta, moa na nah xa.

people at school know about me leaving the house. they know because i cried. i cried because god, remembering everything that happened makes me go crazy and that just makes me cry.

aside from that, school was ayt, i guess. i slept on the floor most of the day cuz i was tired. well, who wouldn’t be??

so yeah. i’m at home [from now on, grany’s place will be referred to as home] right now and james is coming over in a bit. he’s bringing his one tree hill dvd’s and we’re going to watch it together cuz i left mine at my old house [note: old house] and i’m so bored and i wanna spend time with him. he’s my happy pill right now and forever. <33

granny dared me not to see him for 2 days. and i said no. HAHA. she’s fun. she kept teasing me and she made me shout and slap her knee. haha. and then she told me that if he comes over today, he can’t come over tomorrow and i said that that was fine cuz i have a party to go to tomorrow anyways and i told her that if he’d be there, i’d tell her.

it’s so much easier like this. you know, i can tell granny stuff. and even if she says no, i’ll still get my way. HAHA. sometimes though i wonder if i should still lie about some tiny details, though. just because i’m soo used to it. but then i don’t want to lie to grany cuz she already took me in when my mom didn’t want me or when i didn’t want to be with her anymore and the last thing i can do for her is to give her my honesty.

besides, she isn’t dramatic like my parents. so i can chilll. :p

i’m better now. i miss the kids so much though. so so much it sucks 😦

it’s my first morning here. i’m getting ready for school and grany’s on the computer so it’s easy for me to blog and shit.

life is kinda slow paced. like, the clock is slow and i’m hardly in a hurry. not like at home where i have to be in a hurry all of the time. i don’t miss anything or anyone yet except for the heater at home.

i still have a bitchin’ headache. argh, i hate this.

i’m in my civilian attire cuz i left my pe.i don’t even have rubber schoes. fuck.

i also realized that i left

most of my underwear
cologne
my toothbrush [but thank god i have one here]
a lot of my going out clothes
my shoes
and my favorite necklace. 😦

gtg. school. updates later. mom and grany’ll talk. i’m not excited.

for the past few days, i’ve been thinking about leaving home and living at my grandmothers place. i know it sounds like a crazy thing to do but i cannot control what my mind thinks and why it wants to think such things.
i even made a list to weigh the reasons why i should stay and/or why i shouldn’t. i had like, a bunch of reasons why i should leave and only 2 reasons why i should stay. and those 2 reasons were, because 1. i wanted to go to school and 2. because i couldn’t leave miguel and casey. they are my world.

but that day, after i made that list, i decided to stay home. just because things at home started looking up.

but when i came home this afternoon, my mom was sooo mad at me [for lying about how i got to the party yesterday, for leaving my tennis rackets at church and basically for being the biggest problem in the family]

scene: [you’re soo lucky this wasn’t you]
issa enters house
issa: hi mom [kisses her on cheek]
mom: [gives me the stink eye] ikaw issa, you’re soo fond of making me mad huh? do you want me to do this to you…. starts hitting me with her pants. i felt the buckles and buttons hit my face. i ducked and covered my face.  but then she started kicking me and i was at the corner of the room and my mom could’ve killed me til my papa went out of the room and ta daaaah, saved the day. not.

unsa man?! TELL YOUR PAPA! TELL HIM!

papa: tell me what!?

mama: ISSA RODE WITH JAMES AND HIS FRIENDS YESTERDAY GOING TO THE DEBUT WHEN YOU GAVE HER STRICT INSTRUCTIONS TO RIDE A TAXI!

papa: is that true?

and then everything after that just turned dark. i remember my mom saying that she wished she killed me just like she aborted the baby before me. and then there was also a lot of hitting in between that.

and then i told them i wanted to leave. my papa said that if i left, i couldn’t come back but i honestly didn’t care anymore. i just wanted to get out of that house and i just wanted to NOT be part of that family anymore. my mom got mad when i told her i wanted to leave and started hitting me some more but papa kept stopping her. then she said something about why was he defending me and didn’t he want to hit me just as much as she did and shit but he didn’t say anything.

i remember saying please a lot. please, mom. i don’t want to stay here anymore. i’ll actually be giving you a favor. and then she’d hit me for saying please alot. stupid bitch. at least i have manners. and i wasnt asking you to forgive me to FUCK OFF.

my papa gave me permission to leave. but he fucking got my sim cards. he proli didn’t think that i had another extra phone and a sim card is just so easy to get here. lol. so yeah, i left. i left a lot of things there pa gyud. booo.

but whatever. grany has graciously taken me in and she has comforted me the whole time. she even let james come over and hang out so we could talk and so that he could comfort me, too.

and it sucks right now because he’s blaming hisself for everything. he thinks that he’s ruining my life and that if it wasn’t for him, i would still be at home, not bruised.

but honestly, i’m not so bummed about not being at home. it’s actually like a big rock lifted from me. i feel free and i feel like i don’t have much to be scared of or i don’t have to hide anything. cuz i can tell granny anything AND everything and she’s cool about it.

as for james, i honeslty don’t feel bad about leaving because when i needed him, he was there, right away, no questions asked. he comforted me and told me that he loved me and he was just there for me and that was everything i could ever ever ask for.

this is the craziest thing i’ve ever said to anyone. it’s def. the craziest but i’ve never meant anything more in my life.

i don’t care if i’m not with my family as long as i’m with you.
i would leave my house if they told me i couldn’t be with you. [i don’t think i sad=id it like this but i meant this] [and that’s what i did]

this is how i knowi love him as much as i say i do.

xoxo.

im out for tonight.