i don’t really remember the last time i blogged. but my internet at home is busted so since i’ve been unable to go online, i’ve started an offline diary. i’m so lame but it passes time.

miss you!

i don’t really remember the last time i blogged. but my internet at home is busted so since i’ve been unable to go online, i’ve started an offline diary. i’m so lame but it passes time.

miss you!

i’m not going to forget the things you said because that honestly hurt the most

the most

the most

i’m not going to forget the things you said because that honestly hurt the most

the most

the most

god, i don’t get it anymore. i seriously don’t get it anymore.

stupid thoughts for the night?

why didn’t i smoke that cigarette?

why didn’t i drink from that bottle?

tonight was completely worthless. it’s 1 am, i just got home. i’ve had the worst night ever.
and i went through all that shit completely CLEAN?! fuck that!
no, i’ve got a lot of second hand smoke in my system. i still have a shot.

but enough of the sarcastic humor that only I can appreciate.

it just really hurts right now and acting like this is probably the only way i can make my feel better.
but i’m not working because i’m stil crying anyways.

october, i hate you!

god, i hate what we’ve become and it’s starting to make me think that maybe i’m not cut out for this.
there’s too much bitch in me to love another person. to be perfect for him, to make him want to be with me [if possible, forever],
maybe i’m just too bad at living to actually make something work. i basically suck at life. someone should’ve made a manual
and sent it to me. i need that.

that’s what i want for my birthday.

i’m soo ignorant.

he doesn’t deserve me.

he doesn’t deserve someone who’s a bitch

he doesn’t deserve a dumb girl

he doesn’t deserve someone who walks out on him

or someone who wants to be with him all the time.

he doesn’t deserve someone soo needy like me.

he doesn’t deserve someone who’s screwed up soo many times before and can never seem to make things right.

and i,

yes, i’m beating myself up

i simply do not deserve him.

maybe i’m too wrong to ever be right.

i need someone right now. again.

i don’t think i’m gonna be able ti nake it, not tonight. it just hurts like fucking hell.

As long as i keep myself busy and as long as everyone else keeps themselves busy, i won’t have to worry about anyone remembering that it’s my birthday. and so far, everyone, including myself is and i’m pretty sure they’ll stay busy until the28th and then my problem is over. lol.

have you ever been jealous? [duh]
no. have you ever been soo extremely jealous that you could actually barf?
i have. and it’s sad.

and i blame the music.
i blame the music for sure.
fcuk it.

honestly?
i wanna dance.
and
that’s
what’s
killing
me </3

all these pictures were taken on sunday when me and james were arguing. i don’t think i’ve ever camwhored in a while and this does not even push the boundaries of “vain” considering the lack of facial expressions, poses and hand gestures. [i only have one peace sign there and nothing else]

edit: two peace signs

and just so you know, i don’t have a folder full of pictures of my face nor do i have any of these pictures in my phone either. i erased them. i don’t enjoy making my face as my wallpaper like some people.
i was just bored and needed an output.

but i’d do it again. once my face looks – better.

it’s a sunday and it could probably be the best sunday’s i’ve had so far [though i know it’s not] or it could probably be the worst so far. i think it’s somewhere in the middle.

i’m scared i might loose everything i have in one second. i don’t trust myself or anyone else and that one thing i need right now is to feel safe.