my mom thinks that she is the most idealistic person in the whole world. she thinks that i should be like, act like her, think like her and blah2 [even if she doesn’t directly say it.] and if being exactly like her means regualrly cutting school , getting kicked out of it cuz of skipping school and getting drunk at a local cheap ass grocery store, getting pregnant at 16, having an abortion, getting married again, not grad. college, being a TNT in the states, cheating on her husband, working a $5 an hour job before reaching what is not even slightly CLOSE to success is her idea of an ideal person then i guess that’s what she expects from me. stupid bitch. sorry, but i can’t help.

i suppose i’ve always found comfort in back lashing her because she is most often, aside from my dad and raissa and yen yan, one of the people i hate the most.

she says we’re broke but most of the time esp. when james is around, the only thing she talks about is money. how much she spent on this and that and shit. and it’s embarassing because she talks about it as if she’s the only person in the world who pays the bills. seriously.

and she’s such a two faced hypocrite! she likes to exagerate things ESPECIALLY when other people are around. i’m sick of it.

she can never just say no without telling a 2 hour story of how you don’t deserve what you want because.. “you’re not responsible like ME. you never had to commute like ME. you never had to save for your own school shoes like ME. you never had to eat oil and salt with rice like ME.” and hello, stupid ass. the only reason why we’ve never done that is because you’ve never trained us to live a life like that because you worrked hard [and we appreciate it] so we wouldn’t have to live a life that you once lived! which totally defeats the point of your useless YAPPING!!

my mother always makes a way to make herself look stupid and the butt of all arguments. which i never point out to her face only because of the reason that she is PHYSICALLY ABUSIVE!

and i SWEAR that by the time i’m out of the house and she needs help… I’M PUTTING HER IN A FUCKING RETIREMENT HOME!

i got braces today. it’s crazy.haha. i only got braces on the bottom part though and i’m getting retainers for the top tomorrow. it’s so weird cuz i feel like when i get to college i’ll look like a whole other issa, straighter hair, braces, new clothes, blah blah. i think i’m getting dorkier. haha. whatever.

i had a good time with james today, it’s been 3 days already since the two of us haven’t fought and it feels like i freakin world record! HAHAHAHA.

well, i’m tired. and pretty much in a lot of pain.

p.s. i saw nikki today. she came over to get some dvd’s.
p.s.s. chab texted me and acted like we weren’t fighting. don’t i deserve an “i’m sorry” or something?
p.s.s.s. a fag is into my boyfriend. he said he was really hot the other day. okaaay.

and yeah.

xoxo :]

i just noticed that i happen to start most, if not all of my conversations with.. “i wonder..”. do i seriously wonder THAT much? haha. sick.

i’m at grany’s place praying to God that my dad doesn’t go online and try to chat with me or worse, talk to me. seriously, i know he gave me 40k for college and shit but that’s no reason for me to kiss his ass. i mean, what’s 40 thousand compares to the idk my mom’s spent on me? so if he thinks i’m going to befriend him for his little charity stint, he’s got another thing coming.

but anyways, i’m at grany’s place cuz i got sick of staying home for the past 3 days and i didn’t really want to go and hang with my friends so i decided to come here where i could eat my heart out and do whatever the fuck i wanted. good idea, huh? i got to eat a cheeseburger meal with large fries AND chicken with rice. not bad for a girl who’s afraid to loose weight.

aside from eating, i read annie’s cosmopolitan magazine and watched “a love story” which was kinda cool. i think i’ve been degrading myself. first with the PBB obsession and now this. haha. i’ve outdone myself, really. and yk how you end up with tons of questions after. well, i’ve come up with a bunch of my own.

i wonder if, at some point or another in your life you have to go through being cheated on, cheating or being cheated with [does the last part make sense?]
and i wonder if each time we go through it, can we handle it like we do in the movies? without screaming, without hitting, without walking out? because i don’t think i could ever do that.
i also wonder if i should be like those kind of people on wowowee who were left by their moms or dads yet still have nothing but love for them. i mean, i wish i was like that but i just don’t see that coming for me, yk?

well. that’s basically it. lmao. so much for that.

aside from that, lately, i’ve been thinking about whether or not i should go a step further with james. i know it’s weird to be posting the fact that i’m a virgin with james but yeah, KRYSTLE, at least now you know you’re niece is SAFE. hahaha.

but i’ve come up with a few reasons of why i SHOULDN’T do it.

1. because i promised myself i would WAIT
2. cuz when i do it, i don’t want to have to worry for the next few weeks about if i’m pregnant or not. and if i ever was pregnant, i wouldn’t want to have to kill it or i wouldn’t want a baby to be a problem cuz babies shouldn’t be problems. they should be blessings.
3. i want my first time to be really nice. not in a car or in a cheapass motel, yk? i wanna remember it. and not be ashamed to.
4. i don’t want my relationship with james to be just about sex. i want it to be more than just that. and if he can prove to me that he can be with me for a long time without doing it, then i’ll know he’s the one.
5. things between me and him aren’t that good right now. i mean, sure we get along and stuff but then we always have our fights between those and that scares me.
6. as much as i want to be with him forever, you never know what’ll happen. and i just want to be sure that i’m giving myself away to the ONLY guy.
7. and i just don’t want to turn into my mother.

i have a lot of regrets. but i don’t want this to be my biggest regret and if i did do it, i know i will. i don’t know if i still have the same opinion as everyone else but i’d sure like some amens for it. HAHA. no, i’m chill.

but anyways, the only reason why i want to do it is cuz i think that sex will never be as good when you’re young compared to when you’re old and married. but who says i have to be old, right? lmao.

i’m a dork but i want people to read this cuz yeah. it’s important to me and maybe it’ll mean something to some other people. lmao.

i’m out for tonight.

well, you can’t always have everything. but aside from that, these past 3 days [sat., sun., monday so maybe it’s not a weekend ish] have been really good. and that is why right now i don’t really mind about staying home with not much to do except use the internet. lmao.

so on saturday morning, i asked nina to pick me so we can go to chabel’s house before we left for Tuburan but of course, i didn’t really go to chab’s right away. i got dropped off at IT Park where james bought me lunch before i left for my little get away. lmao. then he dropped me at chabel’s place and we left a few hours after that to go to the southern tip of the island i call home.

it was awesome and i dont want to narrate it cuz i don’t really know how but anyways, something really funny happened while i was there and while ina was high. lmao. my mom texted me and asked me where i was and i told her i was on the beach with my friends and she called and said she didn’t know i was going to spend the night there! haha. i don’t think i would travel 3 hours just for spend another 3 hours traveling back. HAHA. crazy mommy.

but nevertheless, it was good. exactly what i wanted this summer. lacking the james.

i played in the rain yesterday. and i made leche flan with james while he showed me how much he missed me. lol. it got me thinking. how far am i going to go with this boy.

and it just occured to me, in a month or so, i’m going to college. i heard they changed the curriculum for the upcoming batch of nursing students. they say that now we’re going to have a broader background of nursing which means only one thing, they are going to bring hell on us.

i haven’t bathed in a day and i don’t want to. my back and shoulders hurt and i want to watch nigahiga on youtube. so i’m — out.

i’m going to the south this weekend with nina, arden, ina and chab and we’re going to ghave an AWESOME time, i can feel it! haha.

and i thought that this weekend would’ve been he perfect time to get drunk and not care, to get high and/ or have sex.[ AHAHAHHA to the last one] but unfortuunately, i am not going to do that cuz.. james won’t be there to baby sit or to have sex with me so that’s it. haha.

SEE YOU SOOOOON

yey. we turned a year today. unfortunately, i don’t have a good reason to celebrate. best anniversary EVER.

have you ever felt so undeniably dull? like, your whole life only revolved around tennis, spider solitaire, text twist and a boy and that was it. have you ever felt like those were the only things you could look forward to because in reality, those were the only things going in your life anyways? i hate to say it, but i do.

i’m at arden’s place right now and while arden’s talking to her lover, basi, i just couldn’t contain myself from rambling and whining about this slob fest that i unfortunately have to call  my “life”.

anyways, i just found out that i am used as a threat to my other friends who have recently engaged in this so called, serious relationship thing..

their exact words, “cige ka, do you want to turn into issa?”
which means, issa, who doesn’t have a life of her own because she’s all about her boyfriend and just that. issa who is never not with him and the issa that we’ve stopped bothering to invite to our get togethers because, what’s the point, we know she won’t go anyways cuz she’s always with james. that issa.

and i’m looking through these blogs and yeah, i know that that’s the person i’ve become. i’m issa, james’s girlfriend. nothing more and nothing less. and i guess it just sucks cuz i know that my friends don’t look for me anymore because i gave them a reason not to. i’m just not there anymore like i used to and i guess, that’s the sad part that i have to look for them because they don’t want to go looking for me because they know i’m too busy for them. because i have a boyfriend.

really, is it supposed to be like this? where i don’t have a life outside this relationship? where i don’t get to hang out with my friends on lazy Wednesday afternoons or where i’m only present on birthday parties and that’s just it?

i miss my friends which is why i asked for one day [instead of 2] every week with them but i don’t think james understands this because his life isn’t affected in any way. i think he doesn’t get what’s happening in my life and why i’ve been such a downer lately. he doesn’t know how it is to not have friends or to know that your friends don’t look for you anymore because his friends are in manila. and the friends that he does have are his classmates.

i’m the only person in my circle who has a boyfriend but why am i the one who’s giving up everything to be with him?

itbxjt,jyku.li;i; – that was arden.

i just want to go out without having him constantly nagging at me and getting mad cuz i can’t reply or cuz i’m having fun. i just don’t want to go out and reading his text messages of him asking me about who i’m flirting with and shit like that. i just want time to be a girl and have fun.

there’s nothing wrong with that, right?

and if i get that, he’ll get what he wants, too. not that he isn’t getting that now.

but yeah.

times like this are just hardcore. and depressing and i just wish, for once that i had more control over my life than he did over mine.

issa

have you ever wondered if a person can stay “in” love for the rest of their life? and i actually mean, in love. or am i the only person who knows that she’s in love with a boy but just can’t bring herself to feel it right now? ugh, i don’t know what’s wrong with me right now. lately i’ve just been dull and numb and counting the days til i get my period so this madness would end but it hasn’t come yet and i hate having PMS.

i mean don’t get me wrong, i love james. god, i love him with all my heart. i sat 1 row behind on the opposite side of him at church and i felt like i was dying to run across so i could sit with him and i couldn’t contain myself from constantly turning my back to get a glimpse of him. if i didn’t love him, i wouldn’t have felt anything when i saw him pray, right? but i did. or i wouldn’t have wasted my time wondering if he was praying about me and us. i wouldn’t have daydreamed about running to him and just break down and cry just like how we cried together at church camp if i didn’t really love him, right? i wouldn’t have blushed when he patted my head to say good bye, right? so i guess i really do love him. even if these may not be the concrete reasons to what love is, i know that deep down inside me, i really do love him.

i mean, why wouldn’t i? despite the fact that he makes me mad like hell or despite the fact that i can never bring myself to fully trust him because i don’t even know why. despite the fact that he makes the dumbest jokes and sometimes i wish i could just get away from everything, i know that if that really happened, i would spend the rest of my time looking for him anyways.

so what’s wrong with me today?
what’s been up with me?
what’s been wrong with us?

last night we had a big fight and i think i was ok with the fact of us breaking up which is proli why i’m not so into it anymore. but regardless of that, i told him that for one week, he had to treat me the way he would treat a girl he was into. yk, really sweet, wouldn’t hurt a fly, flowers and chocolates kind. i know it was pretty shitty but idk, in my defense, i guess i just really miss the feeling of falling in love.

i do love james, hands down. but now i’m feeling a little more reckless than usual. right now, i feel like if i died tonight, i wouldn’t be missed. right now i just feel like i’m not getting as much out of life as everyone else and i hate feeling like this.right now. i feel like i could loose everything i have in a blink of an eye and i just want to feel like i’m worth a little more than nothing, yk.

i bought rabbits the other day. venom and elephant. they sleep in a box in my room at night but my papa doesn’t know. i don’t have anything to feed them right now and their cage is busted. more of a reason to smile.

over and out.

issa

tennis was good. my forehand was good [not top spinning like how i like em but still ok], my backhand was clean [as always], some of my serves went in [the good kind of serves] and james came and for the first time this week, we didn’t fight. we were actually happy to see each other. lol. mybe because he asked me to do his school work for him but anyways.. next topic.

i got dropped off at my grandparents house cuz me and mommy are going to tabo to shop shop shop and i am SOOO super duper excited for it! 😀

i think that james is hiding something from me. or maybe i think that cuz his friend is hiding something from his girlfriend so i immedietly assume that james is doing the same thing.

tell me, do i have the right to think that if one guy in my boyfriends group is fooling around that my boyfriend is immedietly doing it too isn’t that how guys are?

help!