have you ever felt so uddery stupid before? tonight was, i think, the second time i’ve seen my brother in his 4 years and i think i’m bummed. it sucks that i don’t have a relationship with them when im fact, i would rather have a rel. with them than with my ggfjk873648 dad.

i hate how the thinks i’m ok. how he thinks that everything between us is good. i hate how he assumes that i need him or how i think about him because quite frankly, i don’t.

i wish i could skip the whole alvin part and just jump to my brother and sister because they look more promising than he will EVER be.

i know he has SOME part in them knowing who i am cuz he talks about me blah blah but i don’t care and i don’t think i ever will.

i just hate the fact that i have to deal with stuff like this. stuff like pretending i want to do something when i don’t just because i don’t want to offend anybody. i really hate stuff like this gyud.

i hate the fact that my papa has to feel sorry for me because he thinks i’m not getting enough of what i should and how i constantly get these pity i love you’s from him. i just hate it.

i wish my life had no clutter. and i wish james was awake. cuz i kinda need him. even if i know he could never help me with this. i just kinda need someone to talk to right now. even if i know he wouldn’t really understand. sometimes you don’t really need someone who understands. maybe sometimes you just need someone who listens :[

it’s summer but i haven’t been to the beach once and i honestly don’t feel like there’s ANYTHING interesting coming up in my life. except for maybe the fact that me and my mom are shopping at the flee market tomorrow. i don’t know if flee market is the right term but i’m quoting it anyways just so you kinda get what i mean. for the filipinos who are updated with my blog, i’ll be shopping at colon with mommy dearest tomorrow and i am sooo excited. 😀

i honestly think that this summer is going to be the most boring ever especially because of the fact that i am no longer allowed to go out without james’s company. talk about a short leash, eh? it was my idea, actually. i know it’s really stupid but i think i just freaked out when one of james’s close friend who’s a girl said that she loved HER byt [whatever the hell that means] and yeah, you kinda get it, i over reacted and i admit it.

i love james but let’s get real, he can’t be the ONLY person i’m allowed to interact with for the rest of my life.

so for the past 2 days, i’ve been keeping myself entertained with maximum tune 3 and i think i’m starting to grow on the arcade now. i think i might give tdance revolution a shot now. the think freq. customers of the place have already formed some kind of posse now cuz i noticed that the people who’re usually there already “interact” with each other.

oh fuck., my dad’s on the webcam. GODDAMNIT!!   HOLD ON.

anyways, to end this sad and pitiful blog,

i expected more out of this summer. i thought it would be different now that i have a boyfriend. nuf said.

i’m still waiting for the fun, the sun and fun. i’m all about that. in case you haven’t noticed.

xoxo

i just want to cry my eyes out tonight. my chest is gaping. i want to die

i’m scared to admit it to anybody cuz i’m scared that if i do tell anybody, i could actually be true. but i doubt that it could be true in a million years but i can’t escape the fact that maybe it is. i don’t know what to do anymore 😦

god, i just hope i’m wrong.

i came home drunk last night and my parent’s just laughed and teased me about it. haha.

last night was awesome. haha. well, except the part where i got drunk. haha.

my glowstick hasn’t died out yet, so does that mean it’s still on?

in my case, you haven’t said it enough.

yk, sometimes i get so confused with this whole boyfriend girlfriend thing even if i’ve been doing it for almost a year already. i mean, it’s so hard to be able to do things that you used to do when you weren’t in one that aren’t even bad esp. when you’re boyfriend thinks it a complete violation of your trust agreements or whatever it is you two have agreed on.

sometimes i think it’s too much to handle but i know that i’m just not the giving up type.

it’s 10 days before james’s birthday and i’m just so stressed out right now. ugh. i haven’t gotten him a gift or anything pa and i don’t even have that much money to buy him a gift. ugh. plus it’ll be our anniversary this month, too AND my papa’s birthday. oh, i’m so dead.

i don’t want to think about what happened today because it’ll just bring me down more. i could say i don’t care because honestly, i really don’t. what happened happened and it was just crystal clear proof that i will never be enough for him. even if that’s the only thing i really want. to be ENOUGH.

whatever. i’m a screw up. that’s just who i am. one big major disappointment.

woah. i feel like i haven’t blogged in a year or something. idk, i guess i just really didn’t have the time or maybe i did but i just didn’t want to blog cuz our computer’s so frickin’ SLOW!! but i don’t have to worry about that right now cuz i’m at my grandmothers house right now using her iBook. yeah, my granny has a laptop and i don’t. i’m still trying to get my useless dad to get me one as a graduation gift but so far, not so good. lmao.

i have tennis clinic tomorrow. the last clinic ever. 😦
i’m going to make the most out of this summer. haha.

if you’re wondering why i’m here, i’m here cuz i just wasted 3 hours of my life watching a TOTO concert with my aunt, granny and james. [hey, i only went cuz the tickets were free!] i was bored throughout the whole concert that i actually started playing with the glowsticks that they handed out at the start of the concert and finishing a whole bag of ruffles [not the sour cream and cheese, though] 😦

well, today was pretty eventful. well, the past 2 days have been eventful, really. yesterday i hung out with my friends at casino espanol, ultima and robinsons with JUST the girls. that was pretty different from a lot of things that’ve been up in my life because for once, it was just the girls and i. no james. def. a first. yeah, i missed him but yk, you always need your friends.

today i enrolled at my college with James, nina and vince. i didn’t mind having james around cuz 1st, he did all the work for me [i’m such a princess,i love it] and secondly cuz i know he has issues with vince [even if it happened SOOOO long ago] so, if he didn’t come, we’d probably fight. lmao. and 3rd well, cuz i was starting to miss him. probably cuz i’ve been stuck at home having to watch over miguel while he has a fever. it was kinda like nurse training so that was cool cuz i knew i was doing a good job. lmao.

have you ever been in that situation where you wished for something and when it finally happens, you finally end up wishing that you never wished for it in the first place? HAHA.

all the time.

btw, i went inside the casino today. and almost lost my phoneSS. oh well. now i know. :p

anyways,    it’s 2:30 and i need to be up at 9 so, i gotta bounce.

i’ll update soon.

btw, i ran into some high school batchmates of mine after the concert and it was weird. i think i won’t miss it that much afterall. maybe bits of it but yeah, college just feels so exciting. esp. cuz i’ll be with my STC friends.

[amanda, STC’s my old school, i used to go to an all girls catholic school but i moved cuz i kept getting in trouble with the teachers and it was hard for me to erase my grade school “not so good” records and i spent the rest of my high school at MMIS/ MMCH. i was never really close to the people there so yeah. just felt like going over it with you cuz i know you’re the only person who reads my blog. HAHA.]

ayt. bye!!

guess who just GRADUATED?!!?!??

guess who just GRADUATED?!!?!??

right??

i love you!

ALWAYS AND FOREVER

i wonder what you are doing now! maybe your going to the hospital. i love you

text me sooon.

bye.