i just want to cry my eyes out tonight. my chest is gaping. i want to die

i’m scared to admit it to anybody cuz i’m scared that if i do tell anybody, i could actually be true. but i doubt that it could be true in a million years but i can’t escape the fact that maybe it is. i don’t know what to do anymore 😦

god, i just hope i’m wrong.

i came home drunk last night and my parent’s just laughed and teased me about it. haha.

last night was awesome. haha. well, except the part where i got drunk. haha.

my glowstick hasn’t died out yet, so does that mean it’s still on?

in my case, you haven’t said it enough.

yk, sometimes i get so confused with this whole boyfriend girlfriend thing even if i’ve been doing it for almost a year already. i mean, it’s so hard to be able to do things that you used to do when you weren’t in one that aren’t even bad esp. when you’re boyfriend thinks it a complete violation of your trust agreements or whatever it is you two have agreed on.

sometimes i think it’s too much to handle but i know that i’m just not the giving up type.

it’s 10 days before james’s birthday and i’m just so stressed out right now. ugh. i haven’t gotten him a gift or anything pa and i don’t even have that much money to buy him a gift. ugh. plus it’ll be our anniversary this month, too AND my papa’s birthday. oh, i’m so dead.

i don’t want to think about what happened today because it’ll just bring me down more. i could say i don’t care because honestly, i really don’t. what happened happened and it was just crystal clear proof that i will never be enough for him. even if that’s the only thing i really want. to be ENOUGH.

whatever. i’m a screw up. that’s just who i am. one big major disappointment.

woah. i feel like i haven’t blogged in a year or something. idk, i guess i just really didn’t have the time or maybe i did but i just didn’t want to blog cuz our computer’s so frickin’ SLOW!! but i don’t have to worry about that right now cuz i’m at my grandmothers house right now using her iBook. yeah, my granny has a laptop and i don’t. i’m still trying to get my useless dad to get me one as a graduation gift but so far, not so good. lmao.

i have tennis clinic tomorrow. the last clinic ever. 😦
i’m going to make the most out of this summer. haha.

if you’re wondering why i’m here, i’m here cuz i just wasted 3 hours of my life watching a TOTO concert with my aunt, granny and james. [hey, i only went cuz the tickets were free!] i was bored throughout the whole concert that i actually started playing with the glowsticks that they handed out at the start of the concert and finishing a whole bag of ruffles [not the sour cream and cheese, though] 😦

well, today was pretty eventful. well, the past 2 days have been eventful, really. yesterday i hung out with my friends at casino espanol, ultima and robinsons with JUST the girls. that was pretty different from a lot of things that’ve been up in my life because for once, it was just the girls and i. no james. def. a first. yeah, i missed him but yk, you always need your friends.

today i enrolled at my college with James, nina and vince. i didn’t mind having james around cuz 1st, he did all the work for me [i’m such a princess,i love it] and secondly cuz i know he has issues with vince [even if it happened SOOOO long ago] so, if he didn’t come, we’d probably fight. lmao. and 3rd well, cuz i was starting to miss him. probably cuz i’ve been stuck at home having to watch over miguel while he has a fever. it was kinda like nurse training so that was cool cuz i knew i was doing a good job. lmao.

have you ever been in that situation where you wished for something and when it finally happens, you finally end up wishing that you never wished for it in the first place? HAHA.

all the time.

btw, i went inside the casino today. and almost lost my phoneSS. oh well. now i know. :p

anyways,    it’s 2:30 and i need to be up at 9 so, i gotta bounce.

i’ll update soon.

btw, i ran into some high school batchmates of mine after the concert and it was weird. i think i won’t miss it that much afterall. maybe bits of it but yeah, college just feels so exciting. esp. cuz i’ll be with my STC friends.

[amanda, STC’s my old school, i used to go to an all girls catholic school but i moved cuz i kept getting in trouble with the teachers and it was hard for me to erase my grade school “not so good” records and i spent the rest of my high school at MMIS/ MMCH. i was never really close to the people there so yeah. just felt like going over it with you cuz i know you’re the only person who reads my blog. HAHA.]

ayt. bye!!

guess who just GRADUATED?!!?!??

guess who just GRADUATED?!!?!??

right??

i love you!

ALWAYS AND FOREVER

i wonder what you are doing now! maybe your going to the hospital. i love you

text me sooon.

bye.

I know this is such a cliché thing to say but it seems like just yesterday I was still
sitting at home on a Sunday night, fixing my things for school and for the
first time, I was scared and yet extremely excited at the same time. As I
tucked myself into bed, so many thoughts were running through my head like,
“will my hair be ok and will it be enough to make a statement?” or if I was
going to be a completely new person when I woke up and if I was going to be
remembered in the end for something I did or for something I never bothered to
do. I fell asleep that night with puzzling questions buzzing in my head and
woke the next day not as Jean Louise I. Chua, the teachers pet turned
rebellious 6^th grade GSPA Treasurer but as Jean Louise I. Chua, the
high school freshman.

         High
school seemed like such a big deal to everyone. No one really cared that it was
just one step closer to getting to college. High school to us was finally the
time when us kids got to feel like grown ups. It seemed like this completely
new dimension where we got to go to malls, parties, night outs, the beach and
have fun, go on drinking sprees, meet boys, hook up, break up and get back
together with them, dress up like it was nobody’s business and just live or at
least feel like we were alive.

         No one
cared about sitting down in class, taking down notes, passing projects, dealing
with terror teachers and trying to learn lessons in school cuz at the start, no
one saw high school as one big learning experience. Yet ironically, that’s
exactly what high school turned out to be except most of the learning wasn’t
done inside the classrooms.

         I
guess when you enter high school you start having these little midlife crises
[except of course, we’re not in our mid lives yet. HAHA] and you start
wondering who you are or who you want to be or who you want others to think you
are. What becomes important are the people you surround yourself with, the
things you do when the whole world is watching and other petty little things
that we soon figure out are really pointless and stupid later on in the journey
that we all know very well as high school.

         I came
across a quote a long time ago that was situated in a regular classroom. The
teacher asked the class how to spell the word high school and like any other
day, a student raised her hand to answer but instead of spelling the word high
school, she spelt the word DRAMA. Because that’s really what high school is
full of- drama. People- people who we used to play with in kindergarten, people
who we used to run around without a care in the world with suddenly turn into
the populars or the geeks or the wannabee’s or the losers and then suddenly
right before our very eyes, there’s a world of stereotypes and clicks and a world
where a popular would never be caught dead talking or being seen with a loser
and that’s just that.

         In
every click, we our had fights- crazy ones, our own sets of laughs, tears,
hugs, kisses- some meant and often times wasted but most of all, we had
memories- memories that will last a lifetime. Memories that can never be
changed or forgotten and if there’re two things that are worth going back to
high school for they would definitely be for the memories and for the lessons
we all unconsciously learned along the way.

         And as
the days, weeks, months and years have passed, a lot has changed but at the
same time, sometimes if feels like nothing has at all. The social barriers are
still there and sometimes I think they always will be but once in a while, that
wall goes down and it doesn’t matter what click we belong to and it just feels
really good to forget that we’re labeled as posers, geeks or wannabee’s and
just be normal people and what’s better than that, friends.

         The
most important thing I’ve learned from this 4 year roller coaster this that,
the only thing I’m supposed to do is live- live the only way I know how.  I know who my friends are now and it took me
a while to figure that out but somehow, I did and I wouldn’t change them for
the world. With them, I know that I don’t have to worry about what other
people’s prospective of me are because it really just doesn’t matter and I can
always count on them head on to tell me the truth no matter how dirty and ugly
it can be.

         The
only thing I can give myself is the beauty of life and living it to the fullest
because problems and drama will come and go and that’s just the nature of
things but life and opportunities only come once and when these things are
dangling right in front of you, the least you could do is grab unto it.

         There
are so many things in life we wish we could take back and undo. Sometimes I
wish I wasn’t in such a hurry to grow up because seeing life through my kiddy
eyes makes everything seem so much better than it already is. At times, I also
wish that I had made wiser decisions but they have already been made and I have
already suffered the consequences of them all and that’s all I’m left with now.
But I do believe that everything happens for a reason and I guess that’s what’s
important – not that there’s a reason but that it happened because the things
we all go through really do just make us stronger and push us to keep going.

         I’m a
senior now and it won’t be long ‘til I’ll be singing that last song that’s all
about saying goodbye and ending chapters of our lives in order to start new
ones. In a few months, I’ll be walking through a new set of doors, I’ll be
walking down a new hall, saying hi to different people and in a few months, I
won’t be Jean Louise I. Chua- Perez, the high school retard who loved hanging
out with friends and being wacky. This time, I’ll be Jean Louise I. Chua-
Perez, the college freshman [this time more equipped than ever. HAHA.]

         If
there are three words I could describe high school with they would be good, bad
and real. Because high school was good, it was bad but it was definitely real.
The friendship, the laughter, the tears and the memories were real and I sure
as hell am going to miss it.