i have a boyfriend i hardly talk to. but that’s ok. maybe we’re just both digesting it. i don’t think i like him as much as i’m supposed to but sometimes i feel like i’m obliged to like him and care for him because he’s my boyfriend and only that. i constantly hear him say that he doesn’t care. “I don’t care whatever you do babe as long as you don’t cheat on me.” so i don’t know if i like it or if i don’t but the point is, i don’t want him to not care completely. i would appreciate it if i got a where are you once in a while or a what are you planning to do.

i know i never should’ve rushed into this relationship. issa, you NEVER learn.

i’m in the office right now sitting in the dark so that if my tears’ll fall, nobody’ll be able to see them. my chest is beating so hard that i think i’m having a hard time breathing and i wish there was someone to talk to, someone who wouldn’t judge me or think that i’m over analyzing things or that i’m foolish and stupid because i know i am but i want to be able to do all these things. for me, at least.

it just occured to me how soon June 25 is coming up. and pretty soon i’ll be face to face with my sister. A sister i’ve had for 9 years and never met. A sister whom i know absolutely about. Someone who will leave like everybody else. what if i grow on her and she leaves? i’m tired of everybody leaving.

After that my dad’ll show up and i don’t know how i feel about this. i’m so scared. there’s so much pressure right now. I’m scared that my hate for him will go away. Sometimes i feel like if i love this stranger, i’ll love my papa less or worse, i’ll end up hurting him. and he amongst everyone doesn’t deserve that. i don’t wanna be the one to hurt him but i know i will because i want to love my dad but nobody can know that because i’m supposed to hate him. he’s hurt me so much and i’m so stupid for even letting the thought of him being a part of my life even enter my mind.

i don’t know what to do anymore. i know that in the next few weeks, my life is going to change completely and i’m not ready for that. I’ve been anticipating this moment for the longest time and it’s finally happening. it’s like a dream come true and a nightmare all wrapped into one. I’m so scared and there’s noone to talk to.

what if he comes and we fight like we always do? what if he comes and i’ll like him so much and my mom will get hurt?either way i’m hurting someone.

i wish i was never born into this situation because it’s too much for me to handle right now.

help me. i’m freaking out.

i want this dress so bad right now. and it costs P 1,100.00. i could actually afford it right now but i figured that i’d rather not spend my money on stuff like that now cuz i’ll be leaving for boracay in a few months and it’d be better if i had money for the trip considering the fact that i’ll be going with my fucking thrift chink Chua family. ugh.

and yeah, i realized that June 25 is coming up soon and that means i’ll be meeting my half sister for the first time. I wish i was prepared. but emotionally, i’m not. idk what to do with her, really. if i should treat her the way i treat Casey which is horrible or if i should give her special treatment cuz i won’t be seeing her pretty much after this. stumped here. help.

anyways, i went to the gym today. Mike, the new boyfriend was there, too. and it was so cute because when i was on the threadmill, he got on it too and kissed my head. i swear i got butterflies and goosebumps. 🙂

and it’s really awkward being in a relationship now too because i basically don’t know how to be in one anymore. like, i’m scared to do one thing or another because it’s too early in the relationship and it’s just weird. i mean, sometimes i forget i’m even in a relationship cuz it was all so freakin sudden. do i wish i would’ve taken it slower? yeah, i do. but it’s happening now so i might as well roll with the punches, right? i just do hope this works out though. i mean, his life is so hectic and i have no idea where he’s going to insert me into his life. and plus when school starts it’ll be bloody murder so idk where i’m going to insert him in mine either. Especially with the fact that this is supposed to be “secret” relationship. for more than one reason.

but honestly, i don’t mind people knowing about us. i mean, afterall i AM happy. but the thing is, i like the fact that my parents don’t know sqat cuz if they do, i wouldn’t be able to hang out with him as much as i get to now. hiding it from my parents gives me the priviledge of crashing his place any time i want to and not having my parents wonder where i am all the time cuz they’d be scared i’d be with him, you know?

oh i just hope i don’t make the same mistakes i did before or i hope i don’t do the mistakes james did to me before. i don’t want this to be an “easy come, easy go” thing either cuz it’s a relationship for crying out loud. and most of all, i hope i won’t be unable to do all the things i got to do while i did while i was single. except for SOME things ;]  i mean, this relationship again has been such a whirlwind and i hope we both get to transition into it properly. in our own times.

i’m so bad at being a girlfriend to mike though. i actually feel sorry for my lack of abilities to portray emotions.but yeah, this is me. i guess someone’ll have to deal. but what i lack he pretty much makes up for. the sweetness, the charm, the body. omg, he has the best body ever. and he’s still working on his abs. oh la la.

ok i’ll stop before this gets gross

hollah

I think I noticed when things started to change. The hugs were quicker, the phone calls were shorter and weren’t every night. We didn’t hurry to the place we said we’d meet. The I love you’s felt more like a forced, daily routine, and really had no meaning. When we saw each other, the smiles weren’t as bright, or as big. Our thoughts weren’t only of each other. We seemed uninterested, we felt unloved. We had too many doubts. I think I noticed when things started to change.

🙂

i’ll learn it anyway i want. I might not learn it right away or the right way but at least the point is, i’m learning something.

just wait. i will update when i’m actually sober.

xxx

as i was walking home from the gym this evening, i ended up thinking about you again. and i ended up remembering the night of my party and how we danced to daughters by john mayer instead of you are always on my mind by micheal buble which was the song you had dedicated to me on my birthday. Do you know the lyrics of that song we danced to? It goes something like this…

now, i’m not John Mayer but i think that the last 3 lines that i’ve mentioned here are about what her dad leaving her has done to her. But i’d also like to twist the story and think that this is about you and what you’ve done to me after you left and just .. everything.

i knew that when you came, you’d eventually leave because that’s what people around here like to do. LEAVE. every time. but i was hoping that you’d find a reason to fall in love with me and then everything would just work out. but i’m sitting here now and realizing that that’s not going to happen. so maybe i’ll leave you or wait til you leave me. i don’t know. i am just living in every moment of my life and hoping that you’d be a part of it. or it doesn’t have to be you. just someone who will take all of this pain away. because i’m full of it.

i’ve been spending the whole afternoon on the computer and i swear to god, if i don’t get out of this house i will kill someone. or i will kill myself.

i, jean louise perez, do solemnly swear to no longer date. unless … NOTHING!