Somehow, I need to make you
understand how everything we say and do is connected to everything in general.
When I say you make me feel like you are being unappreciative, i mean it
because when we fight over dumb things, it makes me feel like it in general.

            I
try to make you happy by doing things for you in the same way you do. And when
I’m happy, it’ll take a lot from you to make me mad again because I don’t want
to ruin the good times, because I trust you cuz I know you love me and you
don’t want to hurt me.

            But
somehow, I always seem to get extremely hurt when I try to do my best to make
you happy and something simple like a “do you wanna talk later” is all it takes
to make you mad. It’s like, everything I do is for nothing. I try to make you
happy for so many reasons. So you’ll know how much you mean to me, so you won’t
get that mad easily, so you’ll earn my trust.

            But
somehow, I am always never enough because after a few days, we’re back to right
where we started. Fighting and wanting to kill each other… again.

            And
i tried to make you understand this before but you didn’t get it.

            You
always say na gi labot nako ang walai apil but that’s not it.

            And  I don’t know how to make you understand this.

            I’m
running out of ideas.

i’m wasting time right now and taking advantage of this glorious moment to blog.. because i can. lmao.

i’m at jy square waiting for my mom and my aunt to come so we can get my prom dress fitted. i’ve got my fingers crossed that my dress looks exactly how i’ve dreamed it to be. i’m so bored right now. it’s unexplainable. lmao.

but i did happen to have a pretty good morning, fun and spontaneous- just how i like my days.

nina woke me up pretty early and she begged that i’d go to cdu with her while she took her exam and i, with no doubt, said yes. i got to suprised james and hang out with my best friend. that was fun.

so far i’ve had:
fries
a shake
shawarma
quesadillas
fried ice cream [yes, fried]
and an ice smoothie.

i’m feeling drowsy. proli cuz i’m full.

i’ll be going back to SM in a bit and then me and james’ll buy my prom stuff and watch tuesdays with morrie, on account it’s my project.

i have a dinner party for layla’s 18th and a crazy, happenin’ all girls debut to go to, too.

this is the life. ❤

james. please reply, you maniac!!

it’s been a while since i’ve been able to blog pointlessly and i miss it. i miss being able to do a lot of things that i’m used to doing and i guess i really just miss having all the time in the world.

i’m scared that one day, this blog is going to be nothing but my “teenage rant page” cuz i’ve practically grown on this site. and i’m scared that i’m just going to grow out of this eventually and i eventually will.:[

whatever. i just have nothing good to say cuz life is at it’s peak of it’s boringness.

my prom dress doesn’t look like how i want it too.
prom practice is tiring.
my munchkin business is doing good.
i’ve been into selling ipod’s lately
and idk.
james and i have been on, off, on, off and that’s just how we’ve been.

i’m over it.

you know how you always want to be happy. no one ever dreams or prays for a crappy day. come on. and you know how you’re always trying to make other people or yourself happy?

well, what if it doesn’t work? what if it doesn’t work anymore?

today, me and james have been together for 9 months. and today has been the worse day of my life, so far. and i’m not sugar coating that. i only have nina and chabel to thank for my sanity.

and i’m aksing myself, is it worth it? iknow it is but god, today just isn’t working for me at all.

i love him, i really do but something’s just not working.

he always leaves and turns his back on me. – am i not worth staying for?

he gets crazy when i’m with my friends – can i never be with him AND my friends at the same time? even if they’re boys…

he insults me – i knew i said i’d leave him if he physically abused me. but god, being sort of verbally abused hurts just as much.

i’m always wrong – or it’s ALWAYS such a big deal when i’m at faul but somehow i can never get as mad as he does when HE’S at fault.

and idk. i don’t wanna list everything.it’s unfair. i have my own set of faults, too.

and i’m not saying that i dpn’t wanna be with him cuz i still do.

right now, i’m just scared that this is the couple we’re going to be.

i just need a little encouragement. because i’m falling apart and wondering if i can still do it.

and i need a little reassuring. cuz it’s gettinng really hard.

and i can feel my heart breaking.

happy 9th. i love you. no matter how hard it gets.

haven’t blogged in ages cuz i haven’t had the time. i’ve been flooded with projects and school stuff and family issues and going out. i have a social life now and a pretty awesome one indeed! lmao.

it’s 5 am. and it’s sinulog. look it up. it’s the biggest thing in cebu! lmao. i’m at bea’s pplace and the partying has just been off the hook fo’ sho!!!

i’m not drunk. i think. i’m blogging the right way, right? i swear, i just look like i am! good night, for real!

mwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah,

james, i love you. every single ass shacking piece of you!!!!!!!!!!!

Just
because i’m soo tacky like that ;]

So, iIt’s
another “new” year and another year of me trying to keep my tradition alive. i’m never going to stop this. no matter how much james hates me for this. [JAMES AGAIN. hai nako, issa.]

well, i think this is really a part of who i am na gyud. this blog- it’s like my extra life.  there’s never been a time  since 2005 when something absolutely awesome or screwed up happened and i wasn’t thinking about my blog. lol. this thing knows all my secrets and all my thoughts and one day, i want all the entries i’ve posted on this blog to be posted and made into a book cuz i’m cool like that. hahaha.

i just read my blog from last year. [if you want to read it, the date’s, 12/31/06] and idk, A LOT has changed since then. i was so unhappy during 06 oie, i don’t know what happened. no, actually, i do know what happened, i was just soo lost back then and i feel sorry for myself. HAHA. but yeah, all people MUST go through an ihatetheworld phase. that’s how you REALLY see the beauty of things. well, that’s what I think anyways.

i know that a year ago, when 06 ended, i just wanted so much in life and i wasn’t getting any of it. but i guess if you just keep wishing and praying, you get it, right? haha. see, it’s GOOD TO BLOG.

before the end of last year, i answered a survey. i think i’ll do it again this year. lmao.

1.Will you be looking for a new job?
– i will try to find another way to make money so, yeah, i guess.

* uhm, i think i’ll just add whatever i can think of aside from selling munchkins cuz i can’t do that in COLLEGE. so yeah, maybe. i’m always trying to find different ways to make money anyways. lmao.

2. Will you be looking for a new relationship?
– i don’t know if i wanna put myself in a “serious relationship”
situation or if i like playing around. so, rightnow, i think i’ll take
whatever comes.

^ i think i’m AWESOME! hahaha.

* no. i’m happy with the one i’m in now.

3. New house?
– hopefully. i wanna go back to apas.:(

* god knows how much i want to.

4. What will you do different in 07?
– i will embrace everyday. i won’t let too many things pass me by and i
will take more chances. that means, find the guts to sneak out.

^ i did sneak out ONCE. but i got caught. and i DID take more chances.
i fell inlove and fought for it. yipeee.

* this year, i’m going to live more. appreciate more, curse LESS, for once in my life i will be OPTIMISTIC!, care more, earn more,
continue to take more chances, pay more attention, learn to listen, control my temper better, love more, pray more, fight for myself more, be more independent, be better, be stronger, be smarter, be more responsible, PARTY MORE!, mean what i say more and i will not forget to ALWAYS BE REAL.
dami.

5. New Years resolution?
– not to slouch
not to write on myself
wear more colors
embrace things more
etc. etc.

^ pffft.

* i don’t have any this year.

6. What will you not be doing in 07?
– kissing random boys.

^ AMEN!

* running away from home, getting into HUGE fights with james, slipping away from my friends, having PMS, cursing as much, loosing/ wasting money

7. Any trips planned?
– moal boal. but knowing my mother, that won’t push through!

^ did i go, ba? don’t remember. lmao.

* none so far.

8. Wedding plans?
– aunt debbie

^ that i didn’t even bother to go to.

* mine
[because i’ll be turning 18 this year and i’m positive about wanting to marry James] HAHA

9. Major thing on your calendar?
– PROM!

^HAHA. LOOK HOW FUCKED UP THAT TURNED OUT FOR YOU!

* GRADUATION!!!

10. What can’t you wait for?
– summer and sinulog and mega parties.

* graduating, college, being 18, being able to party like a wild monkey and hopefully having a REALLY nice year with james.

11. What would you like to see happen differently?
– the player falling for the princess and the princess not catching him.

* my relationship with my family. i just want PEACE.

12. What about yourself will you be changing?
– a l o t

* a l o t

13. What happened in 06/ 07 that you didnt think would ever happen?
– HAHA. a lot!

* GOD. first, having a REAL boyfriend, leaving the house, maintaining my grades.

14. Will you be nicer to the people you care about?
– uhm .. i have to think about it.

^ once again, i am AWESOME.

* yes. especially to my papa and to james.

15. Will you dress differently this year than you did in 06?
– i hope i gain some fashion sense this year!

* if i can afford to then, why not?

16. Will you start or quit smoking?
– i might start. but i don’t see myself as a smoker, really.

*if i wasn’t so darn committed to my boyfriend, i’d start.

17. Will you better your relationship with your family?
– no. i don’t know. i just want my mm to shut up.

^ this’ll never happen.

* yeah, i’ll try.

18. Will you do charity work?
– YES!

* yeah, it’s my humble pie. :]

19. Will you go to bars?
– yeah. i want to. i soo want to!

* yep. more frequently.

20. Will you be nice to people you dont know?
– not that i’m ever mean to them but ok…

* yeah, i will. and i’ll spread somma that niceness on james.

21. Do you expect 07 to be a good year for you?
– i hope it will. i just want a good, fun year.

* yeah, i do.

22. How much did you change from this time last year til now?
– i changed.

* oh so much. i can’t even believe i was so much more hate the world than i already am last year.

23. Do you plan on having a child?
– hell no.

* still, no.

24. Will you still be friends with the same people you are friends with?
– not all.

* most of them.

25. Major lifestyle changes?
– maybe. i wanna be a party girl. lol

* SEE JAMES!!!!
not major. oh, maybe major. i still wanna be a party girl. i want my boyfriend to be my best accessory during those times. i just want to be fabulous. [but i’ll have to be RICH first. haha]

26. Will you be moving?
– hope so

* doubt it.

27. What will you make sure doesn’t happen 07?
– giving away confetti

* giving away confetti. and the bad fights. and failing college or not fitting in it.
and forgetting who my friends are or who i am and my values and the Lord.

28. What are your New Years Eve plans?
– it’s new year naman gani and im answering this. geez

* it passed already.

29. Will you have someone to kiss at midnight?
– that happens?!

* unta. but yeah.

30. One wish for 07?
– that i would just have a good year. last year screwed me badd.

* i still want world peace.

i really did hate 2006, noh? I can’t even remember anymore. hahaha.

well, anywyas, whatever, that yeat’s passed already and there’s no point in bringing it up anymore. i mean, it’s not like there’s eally anything that we can do about it anymore, right? right. lmao.

seriously, i think this year, i’ve been more straight forward [academically speaking] and i’ve been waay too one sided and demanding esp. with james but that’s cuz he’s ALWAYS spoiling me. not that that’s a bad thing though. haha. but i’ve alot too. like, with my priorities, i know what they are now and i try to stick to them, i try to accomplish them and yeah, i think i’m still working on it though but at least i’m not failing miserably. lmao.

my blogging has definitely changed. each blog is always revolving around either hating james or loving james. and that’s just it. i think people hardly read this because of that. HAHAH. not my problem. lmao. but i’ve changed oie. i add pictures now. 😀 and i’ve only started reading other people’s blog and commenting on them this year. so i’d like to think that i’ve upgraded. lmao.

let’s see.. what else? idk, i know that the biggest change in my life is def. James. i mean, if he wasn’t in my life right now, i think i’d be crying right now. i think new years eve would STILL suck and i’d still be wishing for the same thing. he’s just everything and i don’t need to explain that.

so, like every year, for 4 years [i actually counted and read all entries], i’m going to summarize the year. but i’ve only been doing this for 2. this’ll be the 3rd year. so yeah. enjoy.

before i write anything else about last year, i just have to tell you guys that the first 4 months of 2007, my life was still one big mess. i mean, duh, you don’t just wish and pray for something and then it happens just like that, right? so james, if you’re reading this right now, i know some of it’ll feel akward for you but this is how my year went and you might as well just deal with it. don’t worry, it wasn’t as colorful as it was when you arrived. ❤

so…

JANUARY

my new year’s ALWAYS suck only because i’m the eldest in the family and there’s really no one my age after me. so to make up for the holiday sadness, i always go wild during niña’s birthdays. this is the only thing i remember aside from sinulog. the first time i got majorly drunk. i’d do it again. HAHA. i rem. puking on my pants at btc that night and whinning. whinning about how nina should’ve went for seno cuz if he wasn’t fat, he’d be hot or something. idk how i came up with that idea but a drunk mind speaks the truth, right? lmao. btw, i’m wearing the jacket right now. i feel so loserific.

sinulog. oh, i remember that. i rem. that. dancing in the streets, covered with beer from the street party. chilling at baseline with the people and then getting this horrendous henna from Axel. i TOLD HIM I WANTED ANGEL WINGS. NOT FUCKING BIRD’S WINGS. i went to prom with that pa gyud. so GROSS!! then ayala at night and walking with nina to baseline again. smoking a DJ Mix for the first time and wanting to see francis and then feeling stupid for even agreeing to go to prom with the guy. i remember january. lmao. good tayms.

FEBRUARY

MY JUNIOR- SENIOR PROM
  DRAMAFEST TEACHERS DAY/ VALENTINES DAY SHS-J PROM

as hectic, glamourous and all that make-up clogged in your pores as february seems, i hated. i dreaded every single day of it. i don’t think that there was ever a time when i was at my worse other than february because i completely lost it.

first was sacred hearts prom. my date wouldn’t dance OR talk to me. that sucked ass. idk, it was my first prom so as much as i wish i could forget it, the downside is that, i know i’m never going to. esp. the part about being someone’s date, corsage on your wrist, getting pretty for a stupid boy, seeing people there and idk, just feeling special. but not as much as i wished i would.

then my prom came, that sucked ass too! i mean, it was good for a while, until a few weeks after when the hype was gone and everything was just old news. i brought francis as a thank you. he asked me to be his girl friend but i said, “not yet” and honestly, i don’t regret saying it. somewhere deep inside me, i knew i liked the boy but i knew i didn’t like him enough to be with him. i knew i didn’t like him enough to have what i have with james with him. i was stalling with him and waiting for the moment when it just popped into my head that i wanted to be with him. but it didn’t come as fast as i would’ve wanted it to at the time and to make a long story short, i’m not with him right now nor do i want to and that’s the end of him.

i guess i was so busy during teacher’s day cuz idk, i just remember being soo busy with it. i guess i needed teachers day sad cuz i knew that nothing good was going to happen for me on valentines [even if francis still existed during this time.]. i guess i’m just not lucky when it comes to being wooed on valentines day. i mean, i know i’ve always wanted to get a giant bouquet on valentines and probably something really out of the ordinary too. i know that i’ve always wanted to be the lucky girl on valentines but so far, that’s never happened yet. because the only boys who have given me roses or flowers on valentines day either were never my type or they just gave me flowers because they knew that if they didn’t, no one else would. [i feel soo insecure right now i’m about to cry.] i know i hate flowers but it’s just different when you get them on valentines day. lmao. but josh gave me flowers [tag 5 nga flowers], kevin gave me a rose and kissables and that’s it. josh gave me flowers cuz he’s my best friend and idk, no one else would so he felt “obliged” to. kevin only gave me flowers cuz of this blog:

in
a few hours, it’ll be valentines day and well, i’m not expecting
anything. not even anything from Francis. because although hearts, hugs
and kisses make me melt, it’s a little too expected. di bitaw. yeah,
let me be selfish. i wanna have the prettiest bouquet there is. i wanna be
spoiled for once and yeah, i guess i want what every other girl wants
on valentines day. and even though i don’t understand what power
flowers have [which btw, i want to have in the future], honestly, i
guess i just don’t wanna be one of the girls who isn’t going to get
anything on valentines day and according to my statistics, that’s
exactly what’s going to happen.

i think i know why i was so miserable before. HAHAHAHA.

MARCH

swim meet
 

day i got grounded

rem. this, james? HAHAHA.

third year finally ended and i could breathe again. of course, march was the time i got grounded for coming home at 3 am in the morning but i felt alive. and that’s what’s important, right? i don’t remember much about march though. i just know that the SSC had our major year end concert that i invited JAMES to but i know he wasn’t up to it. he had a better life than i did. he had his girls… and i had my auditor shit to deal with. oh yeah, the guitarist of whatever that bands name is stalked me. that was creepy. lmao.

APRIL

   

april. god, april was just like, the answer to all my prayers! and ya’ll already know why <333

idk. i guess you can see why i’m oh so grateful to have james in my life. cuz it didn’t just feel like he came because he wanted to or because i wanted him to. james came into my life at the right place and at the right time and he came when i needed someone the most and he came at a time when i was praying for someone the most. when he came [and of course, until now..], made me feel less crummy about all the mess in my life. he made me forget all the shit that had happened to me in the past and in some ways, he made feel how it’s like to give up everything for someone that you know is completely worth it. and maybe i got lucky cuz i didn’t need to give up something but i sure did fight for it and gain something soo much more.

and i know that god gave him to me during church camp. and i’m going to remember THOSE moments for the rest of my life <333

MAY

may was the time when me and james were still starting so yeah, it was hard. i remember sneaking out from tennis to be with him and going to sacred heart with him during lunch times to drop off food. i remember how nice it was to be falling inlove with a guy i’ve known all my life and until now, it still is. we didn’t really start fighting yet cuz yeah, it’s not like that when you start, diba? but anyways, it was hard, too. it took us like 3 months til my parents were cool and this was just during the summer so you can imagine how hard that was. cuz it was.

JUNE

school had just started during early june and james and i were kinda struggling with how we were gonna meet each other and shit and shit. then we started fighting and yeah, june up to august was hard for us.

JULY  AUGUST

i got in trouble cuz of THAT picture!
i was freakin depressed during july. was supposed to go to bagiou but didn’t. nuf said about that. lol. and well, most of that time was just using it tyring to spend time with james and trying to get ok with the family.

and oh yeah, me and kathya made up. 😀

you can never just have GOOD months, you know? idk. september was def. a good mix of the two. it just proves that good cannot prevail or manifest itself unless there is bad or something like that. well, thats how it was for me. i left the house during september cuz things were getting out of hand and after i left, things with james and the family were finally ok. and yeah, it was just so hard cuz in between all that, ihad school, james had school and sometimes, it would get crazy.

OCTOBER

october was a CRAZY months. mainly because:
me and james made it to 6!!!!
i turned 17!!
intrams. and everyone hated me. and i think they still do. HAHAHAHA.

NOVEMBER

boracay. and fights.

DECEMBER

well, you already know what happened. lmao.

and wow. i just summarized my whole year. 365 days in 2 hours that’s,.. amazing. it’s either i was able to summarize it really fast or my year was just really uneventful. but i doubt that. 2007 was a good year for me, overall.

it’s 4:35. wow. hahaha. i just keep saying that. wow. lmao.

but yeah, 2007 really was a good year for me and i just hope it gets better. i know i have a lot to work out for next year and i hope i get to do all of the things i kno wi’m supposed to. i’m soo thankful [to Jeebuz] that he just came into my life and worked in it and i’ve seen all the things that he’s done for me and i am thankful and i’m sorry too for all the times i’ve screwed up. esp. with my family. i know i’m not the biggest family junkie and i doubt i ever will be but this year, i’m gonna try to give respect to where my respect is due. and that’s the right thing to do man sad, right? lol.

my 2008 wishes:

– that me and james get along most of the time and that we won’t fight as much.
[i will never stop believing in an always and forever with you]
– that i graduate with something extra [aside from a diploma]
– that i get a CAR 😀
–world peace
– i wish i’d do good in college.
– that i’d make GOOD friends
– that i’d keep a good relationship with God
– i wish for ONLY good things
– i want more adventures this year, yo!
– i wish for FREEDOM
– cash
– for james sake, i wanna be more understanding, i wanna handle my emtions better, etc.
– I WANT TO BE SKINNNNY!
– i want a nice BUTT
– i wanna be contented. hehe.
– and i wanna accomplish EVERY goal i set

and since i like to STRIP so much, that’s what i’ll do…

i shall strip myself from..
– my insecurities
– my angers and frustrations
– my petty problems
– from the pressures of being a fucking teenager
– false hopes.
[forget what everyone’s promised you]

so far i think 2007’s been the best year. you wanna know why??

we are gonna ROCK this year, ok?

Have a happy new year baby!

ALWAYS AND FOREVER