Dear
James,

        Another letter, huh? You’re probably getting sick of
reading my letters already but I guess this is what I do. And I guess you’re
the only person I want to write to. Sad, noh? How my whole world is crumbling
into ashes, how nothing’s ever right anymore, yet I still prefer to write to
you instead of to my father who’s probably out somewhere thinking of how much I
don’t deserve anything good that he’s given me or how ungrateful I am. And you
know what? Maybe he’s right. But I don’t know anymore. Everyone’s just always
trying to figure me out. Always trying to find out what’s wrong with me and why
I am who I am now.

           It’s either
that or they’re bitching about me and why I’m never grateful enough or why I’m
full of reasons, etc. etc. Let them. I know I have to change and I’m going to.
If I won’t, then when I’m old enough to leave home and live the life I always
wanted to, they wouldn’t have to worry about me na because I’m only like this
to them, right? I don’t know what I’m talking about anymore na oi.

           No matter
how much I mess up and screw up and whatever uped, sorry is never enough,
right? You always have to deal with the consequences, right? And I am. Just by
being in this room right now and knowing that my papa hates me is already the
consequence of what I did or said, right? I think I’m right on this one.

           But
whatever, I didn’t write to you to bitch about the world or how much I hate
what’s happening. I wrote cuz it’s the 27^th and no matter how bad
things have gotten in the past 8 months, no matter how hard or how tiring it
all was, I got through these 8 months with you, right?

           These 8
months have been the best 8 months of my life so far, babe and god, I only have
YOU to thank for that. And honestly, I’m excited for all the other upcoming months
and years that are ahead of us.

           I’m excited
for the fights, [hey, it’s going to happen man gyud, might as well brace it.] the
laughs, the adventures and everything else that’s bound to happen to us. No
matter how tiring or frustrating things’re going to get for us, I’m just glad
I’m going to go through all of those stuff with you. Just like the song I told
you mommy and papa were dancing to last night, remember? I’d rather have bad times with you than good times with someone new.
But let’s not pray for the worse. I also want really good times with you. Not
because that’s what I want but because I know that’s what you deserve. You
deserve to be happy because that’s what you’re always doing for me- making me
happy.

           8 months na
gyud, noh? Makes me wonder sometimes what I was thinking when we started this
relationship. I don’t remember much from 8 months ago but I know that I was
scared. I was scared that you would just walk into my life, change me forever
and then just leave me like most guys do. I was scared that in the end, I would
cry over something that was never really mine to begin with or something else
like that. Honestly, I don’t remember any of the things that I was scared of
before. The only thing I can REALLY remember was the feeling in my stomach when
you held me or when you looked at me because those feelings were so strong that
it made me brave and unafraid. It gave me this assurance inside me that this
was right, that this was what I wanted and that I was going to go through with
it, all the way because it is going to be worth it one day. And you know, I
still get those feelings when I’m with you. That’s why I never give up on us.
That’s why the minutes just fly by when I’m in your arms because nothing else
matters but that look in your eye and that smile in my heart.

           I am so
GAY, aren’t I?

           James, I
know I owe you so much [moneywise and etc. wise. Haha.] and I know I have a lot
to be sorry to you for.

           I am so
grateful [HA! SEE, I CAN BE GRATEFUL!] that you came into my life and taught me
the importance of fighting for what you want. I’m never going to stop fighting
for you unless you tell me to.

 You walked into my life and made
me realize that life does suck. It sucks like hell but there’s always going to
be that one person who makes you forget all that and just appreciate the goods
things in life. if there are any, anyways.

           I don’t
mean to put you a notch higher than my parents or my friends but god, that’s
what you do to me. Am I supposed to deny that?

            And you’ve taught me so much more than that,
too.

           James, I’m
sorry if I’m always such a spoiled brat, ha? I’m sorry if I’m always so
pessimistic and if I expect more than I deserve. I’m sorry for that. Really, I
am.

           Sorry if
I’m so demanding or if I expect too much from you. If I pressure you or if I
make you do things you would never ever do in your whole life if it wasn’t for
me. I’m sorry if I’m such a bad girlfriend all the time and if I never seem
like I deserve all the love and protection that you’ve been giving me for the
past 8 months.

           Come to
think of it, babe. I’ve never done anything good for you. L god, you do deserve better. L L L

           But
anyways, maybe I’ve managed to do something right in our relationship because
you’ve never left me [even if you’ve thought about it a hundred million times
already. L] and you always tell me that you
love me and that you need me. maybe I’m doing something good in our
relationship because you take so much care of me and I can only hope that I’m
doing a good job at repaying you.

           So yeah.
I’m tired na, babe. I’ll write you again, love. I love you!

           Happy 27^th,
my love. Mwah!

Have you ever screwed up so
bad that you actually know that the results of your actions will leave a
permanent scar on your family for like, ever?

 If you haven’t, then how’d
you like to live my life? Where the only place you have in this tiny home of
yours is your room.

 You wouldn’t believe the
shit I got myself into this time…

 So I guess I have a problem.
A lot actually.

 I love alcohol. [but my
parents don’t know that]

 According to my parents I
am:

 Ungrateful,

 A spoiled [rotten.
Redundant, I know. They MUST mean it]
brat,

 Shameless and a whole lot
more.

 But all this had been
concluded due to my… [drum roll, please]

Foul mouth. Wow.

      Haha.
It’s so hard trying to tell everyone this with a light heart. Hey, despite all
the drama in my life, I’ve managed to have a good day. Give me a break.

       So yeah,
you probably want a story and since I’m at the peak of my enthusiasm, a story I
will give.

       Yesterday,
due to very unfortunate events, I left my 2 mobile phones on our kitchen
counter where I was charging them. And my father, being the very respectful
person that he is, decided to scroll around and happened to come across my sent
items that contained foul and ill comments about him that I said the night
before because I was mad and like my mother, we become very vulnerable and
tackless when we are.

       A meeting
was called on my behalf at around 11 something to 1 pm. James, mother and
father were there. Tears were shed, words were spoken, voices were raised, etc.
etc. And after everything was said and done, in the end, I was the bad person.
I was the one who completely ruined this family. I was the one who was
ungrateful of the love, effort, tears and blood given for this family. In the
end, I was the one who every one was sick of. And that just sucks.

       I had to
go back to the LTO today to take my tests. It was funny and refreshing cuz I
managed to get everything done all by myself. James left for Dumaguete with his
family. Of all the times to leave. L
It’s really sad. I think he’s avoiding me now. God, I’m loosing everything. LLL

       I paid
1,000 pesos instead of 247.63 cuz I’m a cheater like that. The advantages of
doing so? I got all the answers to the driving test. HAHA.

       After
that, since mommy didn’t want me home, I went to chabel’s place. We had a photo
shoot after pigging on Mcdonald’s c/o Ken Hubahib, Chab’s boy. It was fun. But
I missed James.

       And the
more I miss him, the more it feels like he doesn’t want to be around me during
these times- the times when I feel like complete crap. L

       My mom
actually said that I don’t deserve James and that he’s too good for me. If
that’s true then I’d give him up if he wanted that. He deserves better anyways.

       I feel
bad right now. I’ll follow up when I’m not feeling so godly.

how come no one ever told me that being a teenager with a “bad attitude” was going to be this hard? cuz god, it’s getting
really hard to handle and i think i’d prefer death over anything else you could possibly offer me in the world right now.
death does not sound bad at all.

god, am i like, the biggest screw up you’ve ever created in this universe or what? i think you did a very bad job at creating
me. you should just put my soul in the hall of rejects, if you have one of those things in heaven. i mean, i’ve been trying
a lot [if not my best] but i still fail horribly so maybe it’s how i’m programmed.

it’s 1:30 right now and i’m home. OH JOY. i’ve had only one meal so far, i’m starving and i’ve been crying so hard for the
past 3 hours that my teeth are starting to hurt.

i don’t want to be here. :[

i know this is an odd thing to say in the entire history of odd things to say but god, i wish i was in school right now. :[
(now i know i’m desperate)


i wish i was anywhere but here right now.

anywhere but sun valley where the drama is all more dramatic. </3

james, come back and save me.

issa.

dear james victor balagosa, my bikoy <3,

yeah. for the first time, too. haha.

so far, based on the days that’ve past, i think this years holiday season is the best season i’ve ever had.. so far! haha.

it’s a wednesday today. but i just felt like saying. hehe.

it’s exams week. i got 81/100 in trigonometry. FOR ONCE, i didn’t fail. i feel gooood.

i’ve been busy with school and church lately. and i’m officially broke from buying people gifts. sob.

i’m too tired to think right now.

maybe later :]

is it just me but is this friday night turning into a very terrible one. am i being superstitious? [with my title and everything] or is everyone else’s day sucks as much as mine.