i came home drunk last night and my parent’s just laughed and teased me about it. haha.

last night was awesome. haha. well, except the part where i got drunk. haha.

my glowstick hasn’t died out yet, so does that mean it’s still on?

in my case, you haven’t said it enough.

yk, sometimes i get so confused with this whole boyfriend girlfriend thing even if i’ve been doing it for almost a year already. i mean, it’s so hard to be able to do things that you used to do when you weren’t in one that aren’t even bad esp. when you’re boyfriend thinks it a complete violation of your trust agreements or whatever it is you two have agreed on.

sometimes i think it’s too much to handle but i know that i’m just not the giving up type.

it’s 10 days before james’s birthday and i’m just so stressed out right now. ugh. i haven’t gotten him a gift or anything pa and i don’t even have that much money to buy him a gift. ugh. plus it’ll be our anniversary this month, too AND my papa’s birthday. oh, i’m so dead.

i don’t want to think about what happened today because it’ll just bring me down more. i could say i don’t care because honestly, i really don’t. what happened happened and it was just crystal clear proof that i will never be enough for him. even if that’s the only thing i really want. to be ENOUGH.

whatever. i’m a screw up. that’s just who i am. one big major disappointment.

woah. i feel like i haven’t blogged in a year or something. idk, i guess i just really didn’t have the time or maybe i did but i just didn’t want to blog cuz our computer’s so frickin’ SLOW!! but i don’t have to worry about that right now cuz i’m at my grandmothers house right now using her iBook. yeah, my granny has a laptop and i don’t. i’m still trying to get my useless dad to get me one as a graduation gift but so far, not so good. lmao.

i have tennis clinic tomorrow. the last clinic ever. 😦
i’m going to make the most out of this summer. haha.

if you’re wondering why i’m here, i’m here cuz i just wasted 3 hours of my life watching a TOTO concert with my aunt, granny and james. [hey, i only went cuz the tickets were free!] i was bored throughout the whole concert that i actually started playing with the glowsticks that they handed out at the start of the concert and finishing a whole bag of ruffles [not the sour cream and cheese, though] 😦

well, today was pretty eventful. well, the past 2 days have been eventful, really. yesterday i hung out with my friends at casino espanol, ultima and robinsons with JUST the girls. that was pretty different from a lot of things that’ve been up in my life because for once, it was just the girls and i. no james. def. a first. yeah, i missed him but yk, you always need your friends.

today i enrolled at my college with James, nina and vince. i didn’t mind having james around cuz 1st, he did all the work for me [i’m such a princess,i love it] and secondly cuz i know he has issues with vince [even if it happened SOOOO long ago] so, if he didn’t come, we’d probably fight. lmao. and 3rd well, cuz i was starting to miss him. probably cuz i’ve been stuck at home having to watch over miguel while he has a fever. it was kinda like nurse training so that was cool cuz i knew i was doing a good job. lmao.

have you ever been in that situation where you wished for something and when it finally happens, you finally end up wishing that you never wished for it in the first place? HAHA.

all the time.

btw, i went inside the casino today. and almost lost my phoneSS. oh well. now i know. :p

anyways,    it’s 2:30 and i need to be up at 9 so, i gotta bounce.

i’ll update soon.

btw, i ran into some high school batchmates of mine after the concert and it was weird. i think i won’t miss it that much afterall. maybe bits of it but yeah, college just feels so exciting. esp. cuz i’ll be with my STC friends.

[amanda, STC’s my old school, i used to go to an all girls catholic school but i moved cuz i kept getting in trouble with the teachers and it was hard for me to erase my grade school “not so good” records and i spent the rest of my high school at MMIS/ MMCH. i was never really close to the people there so yeah. just felt like going over it with you cuz i know you’re the only person who reads my blog. HAHA.]

ayt. bye!!

guess who just GRADUATED?!!?!??

guess who just GRADUATED?!!?!??

right??

i love you!

ALWAYS AND FOREVER

i wonder what you are doing now! maybe your going to the hospital. i love you

text me sooon.

bye.

I know this is such a cliché thing to say but it seems like just yesterday I was still
sitting at home on a Sunday night, fixing my things for school and for the
first time, I was scared and yet extremely excited at the same time. As I
tucked myself into bed, so many thoughts were running through my head like,
“will my hair be ok and will it be enough to make a statement?” or if I was
going to be a completely new person when I woke up and if I was going to be
remembered in the end for something I did or for something I never bothered to
do. I fell asleep that night with puzzling questions buzzing in my head and
woke the next day not as Jean Louise I. Chua, the teachers pet turned
rebellious 6^th grade GSPA Treasurer but as Jean Louise I. Chua, the
high school freshman.

         High
school seemed like such a big deal to everyone. No one really cared that it was
just one step closer to getting to college. High school to us was finally the
time when us kids got to feel like grown ups. It seemed like this completely
new dimension where we got to go to malls, parties, night outs, the beach and
have fun, go on drinking sprees, meet boys, hook up, break up and get back
together with them, dress up like it was nobody’s business and just live or at
least feel like we were alive.

         No one
cared about sitting down in class, taking down notes, passing projects, dealing
with terror teachers and trying to learn lessons in school cuz at the start, no
one saw high school as one big learning experience. Yet ironically, that’s
exactly what high school turned out to be except most of the learning wasn’t
done inside the classrooms.

         I
guess when you enter high school you start having these little midlife crises
[except of course, we’re not in our mid lives yet. HAHA] and you start
wondering who you are or who you want to be or who you want others to think you
are. What becomes important are the people you surround yourself with, the
things you do when the whole world is watching and other petty little things
that we soon figure out are really pointless and stupid later on in the journey
that we all know very well as high school.

         I came
across a quote a long time ago that was situated in a regular classroom. The
teacher asked the class how to spell the word high school and like any other
day, a student raised her hand to answer but instead of spelling the word high
school, she spelt the word DRAMA. Because that’s really what high school is
full of- drama. People- people who we used to play with in kindergarten, people
who we used to run around without a care in the world with suddenly turn into
the populars or the geeks or the wannabee’s or the losers and then suddenly
right before our very eyes, there’s a world of stereotypes and clicks and a world
where a popular would never be caught dead talking or being seen with a loser
and that’s just that.

         In
every click, we our had fights- crazy ones, our own sets of laughs, tears,
hugs, kisses- some meant and often times wasted but most of all, we had
memories- memories that will last a lifetime. Memories that can never be
changed or forgotten and if there’re two things that are worth going back to
high school for they would definitely be for the memories and for the lessons
we all unconsciously learned along the way.

         And as
the days, weeks, months and years have passed, a lot has changed but at the
same time, sometimes if feels like nothing has at all. The social barriers are
still there and sometimes I think they always will be but once in a while, that
wall goes down and it doesn’t matter what click we belong to and it just feels
really good to forget that we’re labeled as posers, geeks or wannabee’s and
just be normal people and what’s better than that, friends.

         The
most important thing I’ve learned from this 4 year roller coaster this that,
the only thing I’m supposed to do is live- live the only way I know how.  I know who my friends are now and it took me
a while to figure that out but somehow, I did and I wouldn’t change them for
the world. With them, I know that I don’t have to worry about what other
people’s prospective of me are because it really just doesn’t matter and I can
always count on them head on to tell me the truth no matter how dirty and ugly
it can be.

         The
only thing I can give myself is the beauty of life and living it to the fullest
because problems and drama will come and go and that’s just the nature of
things but life and opportunities only come once and when these things are
dangling right in front of you, the least you could do is grab unto it.

         There
are so many things in life we wish we could take back and undo. Sometimes I
wish I wasn’t in such a hurry to grow up because seeing life through my kiddy
eyes makes everything seem so much better than it already is. At times, I also
wish that I had made wiser decisions but they have already been made and I have
already suffered the consequences of them all and that’s all I’m left with now.
But I do believe that everything happens for a reason and I guess that’s what’s
important – not that there’s a reason but that it happened because the things
we all go through really do just make us stronger and push us to keep going.

         I’m a
senior now and it won’t be long ‘til I’ll be singing that last song that’s all
about saying goodbye and ending chapters of our lives in order to start new
ones. In a few months, I’ll be walking through a new set of doors, I’ll be
walking down a new hall, saying hi to different people and in a few months, I
won’t be Jean Louise I. Chua- Perez, the high school retard who loved hanging
out with friends and being wacky. This time, I’ll be Jean Louise I. Chua-
Perez, the college freshman [this time more equipped than ever. HAHA.]

         If
there are three words I could describe high school with they would be good, bad
and real. Because high school was good, it was bad but it was definitely real.
The friendship, the laughter, the tears and the memories were real and I sure
as hell am going to miss it.

well, around last November 2006, i caught dengue [http://www.xanga.com/home.aspx?user=Aa_bEbE_pHaT_aA&nextdate=11%2f24%2f2006+23%3a59%3a59.999]
. according to the doctors, it was my second time because apparently, the virus hit me so fast and that wasn’t normal if it was my first. i guess i never got admitted in the hospital the first time cuz i got better from it or something. but they say that once you’ve gotten it once, you’re immune system gets weaker the second or third time around.

luckily, i survived that one.

ok, btw, this is a follow up post on my sick day blog.

on tuesday night, i started having a really high fever again which i caught on monday and lost that evening.but on tuesday night, my whole body was aching and so was my stomach. i was just lying on our couch burning up but i was still freezing on the inside.

i didn’t really expect it to be dengue cuz ever since the second time, my mom has been really paranoid and i guess so have i. so, no one really bothered checking if it was dengue or not except my papa. i’m just really lucky that he has these amazing instincts. Cuz before we went to have dinner at my grandparent’s place, he took me to the hospital to get a blood test. [you can usually tell if you have the virus through a blood test/ cbc].

that night, my parents got the results and again, it was dengue.

Dengue fever (IPA: /ˈdɛŋgeɪ/) and dengue hemorrhagic fever (DHF) are acute febrile diseases, found in the tropics and Africa, with a geographical spread similar to malaria.^[1]
One major difference, however, is that malaria is often eradicated in
major cities, whereas dengue is often found in urban areas of developed
tropical nations, including Singapore, Taiwan, Indonesia, and Brazil. Caused by one of four closely related virus serotypes of the genus Flavivirus, family Flaviviridae,
each serotype is sufficiently different that there is no
cross-protection and epidemics caused by multiple serotypes
(hyperendemicity) can occur. Dengue is transmitted to humans by the Aedes aegypti (rarely Aedes albopictus) mosquito, which feeds during the day.^[2]

c/o wikipedia

those are really deep words. so, just to make it a little simpler, dengue supposedly kills your platelets until you die and up until now, they don’t have a cure for it. so while you’re at the hospital, the only thing you do there is get dextrose so you don’t dehydrate and just wait til your platelets reach 40 thousand so they can give you a blood transfusion so you don’t run out of platelets.

but us Filipinos usually have a trick or two up our sleeves. i had to drink this herbal drink called mangagaw and apples that had turned brown. i guess it worked cuz i’m home now. 🙂

well, anyways, once the parents knew that i had dengue, they decided not to admit me in the hospital yet cuz we didn’t have money for the downpayment of the hospital i was supposed to be admitted to which was 8,000 pesos. ouch much? so instead they monitored me and agreed that if i would have any complications that night then they would admit me.

that night i dreamt i died… again. just like the night before. and i am NOT kidding. lmao.

but i guess i slept through the night cuz i only got admitted the morning after that since my platelets had dropped from a 126 – 110.

my lowest platelet count was 92.

well anyways, since there’s no cure for dengue, just like everyone else, i had to wait til i either got better or got worse. but james, idk how he did it, found me medicine that supposedly made me better.

carlow, james’s close friend’s, dad is a doctor practicing alternaive medicine. he talked to his dad and he gave me traumeel. and yeah, i guess i’m still alive cuz of it. tacky, i know but who cares. i could’ve been dead right now.

so yeah, i was there for 4 long boring days but at least i got out.

i’m proud to say i survived the 4 am wake up calls which was a routine of taking blood out of me [my left arm is practically full of bruises], getting my blood pressure, temperature, pulse and asking me a series of annoying questions like, how many times did you pee and how many cups of pee were there, how many cups of fluids did you take and did you poo. [you’d think they’d think of a more convenient time to ask you these stupid questions aside from 4 am. seriously.] btw, to make dengue just a bit tastier, i had my period. imagine that.

james took care of me every single day right after class and that really meant alot to me. i’m just really lucky to have him. and my mom who took care of me during the evenings and woke up every time i needed to use the loo. HAHA.

i had friends who visited and sadly, friends who didn’t. that really hurt and now i don’t wanna talk to them. but that’s just that. cuz honestly, if any of them got rushed to the hospital or if any of them needed my help, i’d be there for them. but it sucks that when i needed them, when i needed company, when , i needed to know they cared for me, they never showed up or bothered to ask how i was doing while i was there. i was had to look for them and beg them to come. they weren’t there the 1st time i got admitted and the second time either and yeah, i don’t know what that proves but it just makes me really sad.

i missed STC’s family day but i figured that that’s ok. i fought with my mom because the first thing i wanted to do when i got out was go to stc with my friends- friends who coudn’t even visit me for 10 min. and that just really sucks. but yeah. we’ll just see how things’ll work out.

here are some pictures i took while i was there.

just thought i’d a humorous about it. lmao.

honestly, i knew i wasnt going to die. but i was scared, i just never told anyone. i didn’t want to pray while i was there cuz i didn’t know what to say. i didn’t want to pray to god that he would spare my life cuz i knew he wouldn’t take it away, anyways. call me faithful but idk, i just knew it wasn’t my time yet.

but i’m glad this is over.

last year (2007), 27 people in my city alone died. a little boy from my school died, too.

and honestly, right now, i can’t help but wonder, why does God keep saving me every single time?

ugh. i’m sick. can you believe that? i never get sick anymore!!

well, i’m not the type to complain especially when it comes to buying a couple of days out of school but what sucks is that, my parents think i have UTI [cuz i said i had back pains] and worst of all, my mom thinks i have it cuz i’m SEXUALLY ACTIVE. hahaha. oh, god. how miserbale would she be when she found out i was as clean as a spoon. lmao.

seriously, i hate the fact that everyone thinks that being in a serious relationship means actually having sex. i’ve been with james for 10 long months now and i’ve never done it with him and quite honestly, i don’t plan to. not until marriage. and i do plan to marry the ass… someday.