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where’s your pride?

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i have PMS. :[ so lately everything’s been a bitch. i feel like my life is functioning properly anymore, too. haha.

today i only smoked 3 cigarettes. i know that that’s already alot considering the fact that i used to only smoke like 4 cigarettes in a month. sometimes i would go for months without hold a since one but i still consider it an achievement nevertheless.

i got caught drinking last week and i finally got my nameplate. I had to get sermonized before i got it back though and i also have to submit myself to little old College of nursing lady on wednesday with a longer skirt apparently because the one i have now is waay too short. If i fail to comply, i won’t be able to take my finals. FUCKIT. i liked my short short skirt šŸ˜€

things with me and him [whom i have NEVER mentioned here until today] are doing really good. he drops by the house when he can and he’s more like a best friend more than anything. not the best friend though, i just said like. haha. i mean, we do kiss and stuff but for some reason,i stay away from it a bit cuz sometimes it’s just kinda weird, you know? like for the longest time we were JUST friends and now we’re not. i mean, not much has changed, i’ll tell you that, but you still have to adjust to little things that have.

my social life is basically revolved around condequent debuts and soccer practices. i hang out mostly with my soccermates because they smoke outside school where i smoke and yeah, i like hanging out with them. you’d think i wouldn’t considering the fact that they’re younger but no, i think they’re fun to hang out with so most of the time, i don’t mind if i’m not with nina anymore.

i bought a beanie and those nerdy glasses and this made me happy.

i’m craving for ruffles with sour cream and cheese. but mostly i just wish i was out. this is so boring.

stronger than we think

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the thing is, i like you- i like you alot. I like you so much that i honestly think that one day, i could actually love you. I like you in a way that when you’re not around, you’re the only thing i am able to think about. I worry about you and if you’re ok and if there’s anything that i can do to make things better for you. i actually think before a say anything or do anything now because i’m scared of the chances of losing you. and i don’t want to lose you.

but when i think about it real hard, you are still just a boy. you lie and you cheat and you make up excuses when there is no need for them. you create your own problems and i can very easily see that you are capable of doing a lot of things that will most likely be the end of me. and with that, i know for certain not to fall too deep for you.

But you know, if you had to leave. if you actually left, i don’t think i would be THAT hurt. I don’t think it would be so hard. Sure, i’d be sad but you know, it’s just come to a point with me where, if you’re going to leave then so be it. I won’t cry and i won’t go chasing after you.

I think things get easier after the first time.

I realized how vulnerable i am and how easy i am to fall for the little things. as if i haven’t learned anything before. haha. but you know, i’ll take everything as it is nalang. don’t really care anyways.

well, i don’t anymore! :))

i love you but i hate you

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Of a face full of words you’d think you’d get a few right. With a fist full of change and absolutely no sense. What little I have learned about love is at my pride’s expense.

I just never thought i would let you get to me the way you do. And i thought i had you but it suddenly feels like i don’t. And i just wanna know WHY I LET YOU DO THIS TO ME.

I wish i used my head but i wished you used yours more. Because i know i fall pretty fast. I’ll fall for your i love you’s and i’ll think you mean it. but at the end of the night, it’s still not me. AND FUCK, IT NEVER WILL BE!

You should’ve held your tongue when you stopped me from leaving to tell me you loved me. because i swear to god in that exact moment i felt like i owned the world. I felt like i could do anything. and i really thought you meant it.

Stupid me. i let another YOU get the best of me.

I guess this is proof that i never learn.

Hoping has only got me so far. I need you to be to the real thing.

I starve,
I starve for you.

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i keep forgetting that he’s not james. and that not all relationships don’t work the way it did with him. i keep forgetting that i don’t have to do this or i can still do that. And sometimes, he does things that remind me of james and it shakes me up.

i forgot my whole world doesn’t have to change because i’m with him now. it only gets better.

i can’t believe i almost ended it today. then i would’ve lost a really good thing. šŸ™‚

i don’t want you to change me. so don’t. ever.

happier than a bird with a french fry <3

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you can never just have a good day. I fully believe this. so believe me, i’ve had a mix of both.

“i’ve already hit rock bottom. There’s nowhere else to go but up.”

But you know, honestly? I’ve never been this happy in a while. despite everything, it’s really great to just be able to see him, even for just a while, and talk and be silly and not just want to snog.

i like the fact that me and him are such good friends. Friends mostly. I like that he goes out of his way just to see me and i like the fact that he likes me more than i like him. or that’s just how it seems right now.

I like the fact that he doesn’t try to change me and that he knows who i am and all the shit i get myself into and doesn’t try to make it “our” problem. he just listens and tries to help me.

and i love the fact that we laugh A LOT! and that i know he thinks about me and that he feels bad when we can’t talk. i like all these things. i like them a lot.

i guess i got lucky. and i know that i don’t wanna lose what i have right now. So whatever shit i got into, you know, we’re all over it. He is so we’re both good. that’s all i really need right now.

p.s. i’m bruised and aching ALL OVER! damn you, soccer!

sober up, kid

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i told you not to try to change me because this is who i’ve always been. I told you that i would change who i was when i wanted to. and i will, but i just want you to know, i’m not going to do this for you.

you tell me that we’ll make it through this but we can’t. not while you’re still kissing her and i have to find some stupid escape like them.

i never wanted this and you know that. you know that i want everything or i might as well not have anything at all but i just stay a little bit longer basically because at the end of the day, nobody gets me like you do.

nobody appreciates my dumb jokes or my you-know-what-facts like you do. but at the end of the day, you’re still not mine. and it won’t be that way for a very long time.

ah kapoya ani oie. matug nalang ko.

buon giorno, Manolo

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i ran into james today at school. Of course, i pretended not to see him because that’s what i do. pretend not to see a lot of people just so i don’t have to fucking small talk. But unfortunately, Francis saw me and eventually called me and sooner or later, made me talk to james. I mean, i have nothing against james. I love james. He was my boyfriend for two fucking years!!! But then francis grabbed my hand and put it on his leg and i swear to god, i wanted to break down. Becaise he was there, in front of me, and all i wanted to do was hold him because i miss him so much. I miss what we had and i wish, i just wish that i could have all the good times we had, with someone else.

I miss being someone’s girlfriend.

Earlier, i saw this couple kissing in front of me and i wanted to rip their heads off or even shoot them the way i would do i resident evil because i didn’t have that.

I’m tired of not belonging to someone and always ending up making out with the next guy just to FEEL for the slightest moment like someones.

why do i even care about relationships?

My stupidity is beyond me.

buon giorno, Manolo

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i ran into james today at school. Of course, i pretended not to see him because that’s what i do. pretend not to see a lot of people just so i don’t have to fucking small talk. But unfortunately, Francis saw me and eventually called me and sooner or later, made me talk to james. I mean, i have nothing against james. I love james. He was my boyfriend for two fucking years!!! But then francis grabbed my hand and put it on his leg and i swear to god, i wanted to break down. Becaise he was there, in front of me, and all i wanted to do was hold him because i miss him so much. I miss what we had and i wish, i just wish that i could have all the good times we had, with someone else.

I miss being someone’s girlfriend.

Earlier, i saw this couple kissing in front of me and i wanted to rip their heads off or even shoot them the way i would do i resident evil because i didn’t have that.

I’m tired of not belonging to someone and always ending up making out with the next guy just to FEEL for the slightest moment like someones.

why do i even care about relationships?

My stupidity is beyond me.

The Art of Compensation

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When i was in my freshman year of high school, I auditioned for the dance troupe but due to some unfortunate events, i didn’t make it. I remember being so devastated as i sent my papa a text message telling him about what had just hapened. And then he replied…

“It’s ok, Issa, you’re still the best dancer for me.”

and with just that, i was ok.

And then there was this one time when I lost a tennis match against an extremely manly girl and it made me seriously doubt my abilities as a tennis player. I remember my papa putting his arm around me and saying…

“It’s ok, Issa. You’re still the best tennis player for me.”

After hearing him say that it made me feel like fucking Sherapova and i was determined to do a best job the next time.

Then as i grew older, it turned into a lot of…

“Don’t worry, Issa, you’re so much better than her”

or

“So what? It’s his loss anyways.”

or something of the familiar matter.


But I’m thinking about it now and i’m realizing that all these lines are only said to blind us and just that.

Because in the end, i still wasn’t on the dance team. Instead, i was just sitting in the audience rotting in jealousy.
By the end of that tournament, i still didn’t go home with that medal.
By the time i go to bed tonight, i’ll still be alone and most of all…

i’m not actually the best.
and i know it.