Category Archives: Uncategorized

short, fat and ugly

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Well today was a good day for me but of course, it had to start out really shitty before it got better.

my papa thinks that i should talk to my dad and tell him everything i feel towards him like all the things i tell him and mommy when i come home from spending time with him. He says that i can’t keep being two-faced and even said that, “If you’re not going to talk to your dad then don’t bother talking to me about him anymore…”

why do i feel so pressured?!

Am i pathetic for thinking that i could really go on humoring him and giving him what he wants while i just kept it all in? because that was the plan, honestly. Just give him what he wanted and secretly hate him. Because honestly, what’s the point in telling him? I know that no matter what i do or no matter what i say, he will still be the same dad who doesn’t provide for me, who failed and i think i like it that way. because i got used to it. I don’t want him in my life. I don’t want my honesty to somehow invite him in my life. I’m scared that he might take it as a call from me to change because i somehow need him.

Clear communication? You don’t know my dad. He’s psycho.

Even if i were to open up to him… how would i say it?

“Dad, you know, the days I’ve got to spend with you has made me realize a lot of things. Like the fact that you will never be the dad i wanted you to be since i was a little girl for me and i’ve realized this because you don’t seem like you want to be that person for me either. The family i’m with now is the only family i want and i could ever need and sure, it was nice to meet your family but you know, i just can never be a part of that because i know i will never ever belong there. Mommy said that when you came she would leave it up to me to make up my mind about what i feel for you and honestly, what i feel for you if they are not the same are actually worse. because you know what, who you are right now is someone you cannot change and it is someone who will continue to pull me down and hurt me if i let you and i don’t want to…”

no, that’s too scripted. it’ll proli go like this…

Me: Dad… you know, i can’t keep pretending that i like you…
Dad: Shut up you fucking bitch

* how nostalgic *

I haven’t entertained the thought of actually talking to him until today but the more i feel like i need to talk to him, the more i loose the urge to do so. i am weird.

i need an escape. and i’m sorry but i cannot stop smoking.

floating

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for some reason, there is absolutely NOTHING to do. I want to pig out and sleep today but unfortunately, i can’t do that . šŸ˜¦

i have a retdem in CPR and first aid, too so yeah, i’m screwed. I didn’t even get to bring flats so i have to walk around school the WHOLE day in these killer heels. by killer, i don’t mean really nice- i mean REALLY painful!

i am screwed.

so i guess me and don are not in good term AGAIN.

gtg

black out

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so the party last night was pretty awesome. except the fact that i got totally wasted and puked on the tables and made out with diggul and kim [again] and arden [yeah the crazy bitch grabbed my head and started kissing me. she scares me when she’s drunk]. this makes my kiss count: 10. then we somehow ended up in vudu and idk, i just saw a lot of random pictures with people that i do NOT remember at all. not even a single bit. haha. my idea of a perfect saturday night.

then we got to chab’s at like 2:30 and got someone who we found online on facebook to drop us food cuz we were so hungry! haha. and now i’m broke šŸ˜¦

oh yeah, i got into a fight with Adrian Lua too. cuz he bitched at me for being drunk again and idk, iguess i got ticked off because he doesn’t have the right to get mad at me cuz he’s been an asshole to me since before pa. so nag away mi and i found out it was his birthday – CLASSIC!!

i have school tomorrow and i didn’t even bother to write notes. i love this.

update soon

weird people on the net

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i have soccer at 1 and it’s 12:35 and i haven’t even bothered to comb my hair yet. I am too lazy to do anything gyud and i think i will die. hahaha.

i posted a new video on youtube and now this person from Peru keeps bugging to see my FEET. god. weird people, really. lol.

xab’s 18th tonight and i cannot wait! i was out all day yesterday at the mall trying to find a dress for the occasion gyud. Well, i eventually found something but it isn’t really want i wanted. i wanted to go for a grungier look. sort of like a, i-know-this-is-a-semi-formal-party-but-i-look-like-a-rockstar-in-this-anyways look. but then xab also started btching about she has a costume made for my party which in my opinion are two very different things because i had a costume. she’s making us wear FUCKING BLACK. as if i wasn’t dark enough. i could practically go naked.

oh shit, i didn’t know bluebarry cheese cakes melted! gotta go. i need to finish some really good cake!

i want to put you in my pocket

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i know it’s been a while since i’ve updated and i’m aware that i’m not so consistent with my blogs either so sorry about that. But then again, it doesn’t really matter does it?

I just got back from a 4 day trip from Boracay and although the place was amazing, i have to say, i’ve been on better vacations.

I guess it’s more about the people you go on vacation with rather than the place you go to. I just realized this.

The whole time i was there, i was mostly trying to get away from the chua’s and castro’s not because i don’t like them [well, i don’t like my dad, yeah] but mostly because i don’t feel like i belong with them, you know? I didn’t feel my place with those people. And every chance i could get away from them, i would spend smoking. I feel so bad. It got to a point where i just laid on the sand and started asking myself what i was doing with my life. hahaha. it sounds stupid thinking about it now but i was pretty serious when i was having that episode.

every single day i am more and more convinced that i am bi-polar. HAHA.

i’ve been thinking about James lately. i just realized that there hasn’t been a day in 8 months where i haven’t thought about him. he’s always been here. and i still love him. and i miss him. i don’t miss being his girlfriend though. i just miss who i was mostly. I know it’s easy to be that person again though but maybe most of the time i don’t want to. i confuse myself. lol.

We’ve been talking a lot lately though and wa lang. i just wish i could have all those feelings again. except this time for someone who deserves it. haha. why am i even talking about this? /:)

i’ll proli update later and rant about my dad since i haven’t been able to do that yet. HAHA.

but now i have to go and paint my wall. [my papa surprised me by remodelling my room when i got back from Bora] i’ll post pictures. šŸ˜€

if fear was money, i’d be a fucking millionaire

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i have proof that his mere presence has destroyed my life. I have concrete evidence that i was fine without him around. but i know things wouldn’t be this way if nobody wanted it to be this way. I also know that no matter what i do, it will never get better. it will always be as fucked up as this.

me and my mom got into a big fight which has to do with my dad. duh. why else would we fight? and now, she is being the biggest bitch in the world and is refusing to pay for my tuittion money. i figured if she wouldn’t, i would pawn my watch and sell the necklace that james gave me on my birthday and proli the necklace and bracelet my lola gave me for graduation. I honestly don’t want to though. but i have to figure out a way to go to fucking school.

i can’t believe i’m considering this a problem when i don’t even like school. fuck it.

i smoked proli more than 10 sticks today and i feel like i’m dry and dead inside. it’s the worst feeling in the world. but i still did a pretty good job at soccer.

i don’t know. there are just so many things i wanna say but i don’t know where to start or i don’t know if it would make sense. i  just want to drink up and have fun

the worst countdown in the world

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so today it’s 3 days til i meet my dad again. every single time i think i about it, i feel like getting sick and puking. i know the best solution is proli not to think about it because MAYBE it’s not a big deal. but we all know that it is. It is a very big deal.

i cried on my papa’s belly this morning because i couldn’t take it anymore. Sure the drinking was fun, i got to hang with Christian, but you know, i guess there are just some things alcohol cannot make up for anymore. Guess there are just some feelings that don’t go away as fast as the other feelings have and gaaah. i’m tired of always talking about this.

I am looking forward to CESAFI though. i hope my friends watch. I hope christian watches. He’s so cute and tiny  want to squish him. haha.

xoxo

drunk on the sidewalk

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oh today was soo bad. i got drunk but when i think about it, it was such a success because it was exactly what i wanted to achieve in the first place. i was there with a bunch of different friends from USCTC, STC, VELEZ and CDU. it was so interracial :))

the only embarrassing part was younger kids [1st year kids] had to take care of me.

christian was there too! but idk too much drama circulating that kid. drama my system is not willing to handle not with everything going on.

i feel sorry for miljo because he took care of me. carried me, hugged me, let me bite him – everything.

i will proli clean up my act just give me one last drunk day