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Some things are meant to be broken but i won’t settle for being one of them

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A DAY IN THE LIFE OF A SAD LITTLE FUCK.
WHO NOW HATES HER MOMS GUTS.

You know how people say you can never really have a completely good day? Or how you can never be completely happy? I always considered this thought because i don’t think there will ever be an instance in your life where you will find yourself completely happy. Nobody really means it when they say that “they could never really ask for more.” or that “EVERYTHING is perfect” because reality is, it never really will be. Those are just plain hard facts. I’m sorry but it’s true. It’ll always be, “i’m happy despite the fact that…” this and that. I would sell my soul is someone out there is actually happy with their life. No despites, no buts. We’re only human after all, and it is in our nature as human beings to always want a little more than we will ever have.

You know i always thought that i had found my place. I thought that you were happy to have me and that i made us a “family”. 19 years i’ve been with you. And even if we’ve had our ups and downs, our fights and dramas, i never had a doubt in my mind that i was yours and you would fight to keep me. but i guess that wasn’t the complete truth. I thought that when i came into your family, you had my best interest in mind. you mentioned once that you didn’t marry Jim because he didn’t treat me the way she wanted to. Maybe that’s just something you said to boost me up or to make me think you were the best mother in the whole world. And poor me, i took those lies and believed it.

When you married Lander, i thought we would be a family. i thought that THIS was our family. Papa, you danced with me on my birthday, cried and said that you couldn’t imagine your life without me. You said that i made our family what it is and you even said that you loved me as if i was your own. Sometimes i am too gullible for my own good. I seriously believe that.

I guess i just wanted acceptance, to belong and love. I’m not trying to imply the fact that you don’t love me, mom and pa. I just think that you are liars. you lied to me, you made me believe that i was one of you when in fact, thinking about it now, i am only a product of your pity.

You can’t leave me. If you left me, where would i go? where would i be right now? I bet you couldn’t live with your conscience of feeling incompetent because if you’re anything like me, i wouldn’t leave me either. but only for those reasons.

I don’t ask anything from you. I use what you give me and try to make the best out of it. If i need something, i don’t run to you because i’ve realized that you are just not those people for me. If i want something, i need to go out and get it on my own. because that’s how you’ve raised me. But you two, you provide your own kind with more than what they need. you get them everything. at you know, sometimes, it’s just not fair!

I’m sorry if i’m not your kid. I’m sorry if they mean more to you. I’m so sorry if i didn’t die or that you didn’t have me aborted when you had the chance to. You should’ve, seriously. i would’ve appreciated the kind gesture.

I guess i just realized how hard it is to be a part of your family. Trying to live up to your expectations and be afraid to disappoint you. because those are one of the things i dread of doing- disappointing you. you think i have to be better than everyone else because you provide me when providance isn’t what i deserve because what? i’m not yours and his.

i didn’t ask for this. so why do you keep making it seem as if it’s my fault? WHY MOM?

Holy Moley

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So I have this mole right in the middle of my neck. I’ve never seen anything wrong with it, in fact, I never really cared about it. But recently, a lot of my college classmates have been making my mole their object of, let’s call it, “affection”. lol?

Sometimes they’d give comments about it being a “target” or they’d tell me about how I have dirt on my neck and laugh at me when I wiped it only to find out they were referring to my mole.

Now, I’m an easy going kind of girl and i see the humor in all of this and despite all the rampant teasing, removing my mole would never be an option for me.

However, I do know this one girl who we call “Moley” now who used to have a mole right above her lip and everyone teased her about it. She got teased about it soo much that she actually went under the knife to have it removed.

Now, I did my research and moles are basically growths on the skin. They happen when cells in the skin, called melanocytes, grow in a cluster with tissue surrounding them. Moles are very common. Most people have between 10 and 40 moles. A person may develop new moles from time to time, usually until about age 40. http://www.nlm.nih.gov/medlineplus/moles.html

What do you think about moles? Would you have a mole removed for purely cosmetic purposes [is there any OTHER reason]? And if you have, why?

Redefining Relationshits

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 Lately I’ve been thinking about relationships a lot and what it is to be in one, what it takes to be in one and what we have to do to be and not only that but to actually stay in one. Along with these thoughts are a lot of contemplating over why relationships end and why most of mine have as well.

I could very possibly be on the verge of entering a new relationship but a lot of things are holding me back. I like him, a lot. Yes, i do. I do actually love him in this moment and he says that he loves me too but i can’t help but wonder if love will ever be enough. This is stupid, I take it back because even i know that LOVE WILL NEVER JUST BE ENOUGH.

now let me get things straight. when i say love, i mean it in minimal amounts. I love him as a friend, i can love him as a boyfriend but not love in a sense that i would jump over a building for him or sneak out just for him. I do not put bars to who i love because love is easily given. I just think that love either grows or withers and it’s completely up to you and that person you love to redefine that.

And i was just thinking recently how I’ve been telling myself for a long time that it’s important that you end up with someone who wants the same things as you do in a relationship or more importantly,sees relationships in the same way that you do. And it occured to me, i haven’t exactly been able to define a relationship myself. i’ve just been floating around here pretending i know everything. yes, modesty is a special thing.

I was so bored today and i asked a lot of my friends how they know they’re in love with someone and honestly, i realized that most of these people don’t really understand the deeper context of love. Most of them think it’s mostly about thinking about that person 24/7 and not wanting to be anywhere but in that persons arms. I think that’s more like an attachment than love if you asked me.

If you asked me what MY definition of love is, it wouldn’t have to be more of the more selfless aspect. I would say that I know that I am in love with someone when they have this unusual pull over me where I have this feeling of wanting to take care him or where I want everything to be better or ok for him. Like with James, it wasn’t more of what he could do for me but what i could do for me because i just wanted to make him happy even if i had to gamble my own happiness.

I think my perspective of love is like this based on what I see in my parents. I don’t hear my mom tell my papa that if he loves her he’ll do this or that but instead, it’s more of what she can do for him.

How i end up feeling these feelings however, is a whole other question which requires answers that i am in no position to answer. I fall for the assholes. šŸ˜¦

The more time i spend with this guy, the more i come to believe that we are on two different sides of the world when it comes to relationships. I don’t think he knows what is it to be in a real relationship [not saying that I’ve been in one or that I know either] and I think that he needs to figure out what it is to him.

I’m not in any hurry though. If he makes up his mind then ok. If it never comes though then at least i have prepared myself for the worst.

There’s just some form of benefit when all you ever know is leaving and being left.

Lessons I’ve Learned From Taxi Drivers Part I – Omar

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As soon as i stepped into the cab, i couldn’t help but notice his whole “bad boy” era. His whole body was covered in tattoos, he had a bad ass earring and a smug look on his face.

During the first few minutes of my ride, I couldn’t help but try to figure him out and wonder if every bad boy has a soft interior. With this, i decided to put my theory to the test.

Noticing that one of his tattoos was a name, I boldly dared to ask if it was his name.
After a few minutes of silence and a bit starring at his tat, he replied and told me that it was indeed his name.

Being a very curious person, i decided to move on to his other tattoos and ask him about those. Every question i asked obviously bothered and irritated him. But i figured that, as long as he continues to answer my questions without cutting me off then, i’m good.

Turns out most of his tatts were names of past flings. So i darked to ask him a question that shook up the conversation and had me heading in the direction i had planned. I asked, “How do you know that you love somebody?”

Then there was a long silence.

Honestly, I felt stupid for even bothering to ask but i have questions that I need answers for and let’s be honest, when you’re desperate for answers- you’re desperate for answers.

Finally he answered but he answered me with a question. “How old are you?” I told him how old i was and anticipated for what he would have to say next. He was probably debating whether to put up with me or kick me out of his car. I’m glad he didn’t.

I could see him looking at me from the rearview mirror. I noticed him do that a lot before he answered me. I think he saw the desperation in my eyes because he finally decided to be honest..

“You know what? Honestly, the only thing us guys are after is sex.”

“Yeah, I know that.”

“Me, I’ve done a lot of girls. It’s pretty easy actually. All you have to do is pretend to listen and actually care about their problems, take them out for dinner, get them drunk and it’s a done deal.”

“I’m not surprised.”

Sensing the tone of insult in my voice, he quickly changed the mood of the conversation and said, “I know I may come off as a bad person because i’m tattooed and pierced all over and also because I’m rudely honest but there’s a lot you don’t know about me.”

“Like what?”

“Like that the fact that the only thing that can make me cry is a woman. or the loss of one.”

“Really?”

“What I told you earlier about guys only wanting sex? Well, it’s not just boys. Some girls only want the same thing too.”

“Really? I don’t believe you.”

“You don’t? You know, I once dated this girl. The first time I met her, she asked me if she could be in charge. By in charge I mean in charge of everything. She would choose where we’d eat, where we’d go and what we’d do. And she’d pay for everything, too! And I’m just a freaking taxi driver what kind of money do i have to spend on her the way she was planning to spend on me? So of course, I said yes.”

“So what happened?”

“Exactly what she said would happen. She took me out for dinner, we had a few drinks, we talked, laughed and then she told me that we’d check in somewhere…”

I didn’t believe it. I thought he was dating some kind of hooker who couldn’t get laid anymore. But he swore it was true and I let him go on with his story.

He told me how he had been brought into the room where his date had ever so kindly stripped for him. She not only stripped for him but even placed his hands in very questionnable places. But she eventually stopped when she noticed how he wasn’t participating.

“What’s wrong? Am i not good enough for you? Isn’t this what you wanted?”

“No,it’s not that.”

“Then what is it?”

“Ï don’t know. I just… I just… can’t”

And with that, the girl smiled and said, [btw, ga hubo gihapon siya ani, fyi. HAHA] “You’re not what people said you were at all.”

Omar [which i forgot to mention is the name of the driver] then explained to me that in that moment he knew he was in love with her because in some way he didn’t see the need to be intense with her at that moment. And that he didn’t mind if he didn’t have sex with her because her presence was enough for him.

So she put her clothes back on and they left. Now, Omar is happily married to her.

I don’t know what this means to most of you people but it means a lot to me. It would just be really nice to know that even if we don’t/ can’t/ won’t respect ourselves, there is someone out there who actually will.

Girls, find someone who doesn’t need you to have sex with them to prove that you love them. No, find someone who doesn’t ask for sex AT ALL.

I hope you liked this. This is a REAL story

well, THAT’S the problem

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at duane’s right now. have a few ideas about what i really wanna blog about when i finally have the time. and fortunately, i have a long weekend so, i  might be able to do just that.

just got out of the hospital because papa just decided to join the awesome dengue club boohoo

ok they’re going “up”. i want to join.

well, THAT’S the problem

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at duane’s right now. have a few ideas about what i really wanna blog about when i finally have the time. and fortunately, i have a long weekend so, i  might be able to do just that.

just got out of the hospital because papa just decided to join the awesome dengue club boohoo

ok they’re going “up”. i want to join.

ain’t it funny?

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earlier today, i was on Mary Roses’ laptop and me and alex were going through some of my old entries here. After a bit of laughing from the gay way i used to talk before, we decided to, for some reason, read the entries i made when me and james broke up.

Back then i used to talk about the future [that is now] a lot. It made me remember about how scared i was if one of us realized that we didn’t really need each other in our lives anymore only to realize that that person turned out to be me. I think it’s funny how blinded i was that i wanted to be with him and how i was “willing to give up my arm and/or leg up for him” when now i don’t even understand what made me stay with the guy for soo long.

And yes, i just remembered. we did have plans to eventually get back together but honestly, that chapter of my life has ended already and as much as i love him and as much as i think that i cannot, at this moment, love anyone else the way i loved him oh so dearly, i also cannot ever put myself in a position where it came to a point where i couldn’t even recognize myself anymore.

god knows i miss him terribly. there is not a single day that passes where the thought of him doesn’t pass my mind. he is still very much alive in my heart and mind. but i’m happy right now. And if memories are the only things i have then it’s ok. I am filled with good ones and bad ones. To measure isn’t an option anymore.

i guess if i sum up our whole relationship, 1 year and 9 months, i’d say, i left a better person. but i know that the way i act on most occassions do not justify my “better person” claim but i know better now than to let someone trample on me and make me their puppet. Which is the last thing i ever want to be again. This time, i make up my own rules and i play by my games, if there are any games, to say the least…

i was always scared that if i was going to be without someone after james, i wouldn’t be able to love him the way i loved james. Mainly because i don’t want to anymore. Cuz i’m scared. because i know what it’s like, mostly. and i cannot say that with “him”, i am breaking the rules, because i am not.

oddly, I’m just scared to lose him.

they say if you have a good thing, don’t let it go because you might not get it back.
I want to say it is applicable but right now, i’m not just sure if he’s something generally good. i have to protect myself- first and foremost.

I seriously think i’m ruined. but i’m getting better.

i used to wonder about days when we woke up and went through our regular routines and just stopped during the middle of all of that and realize that we finally “ok”- the world is such a magical place after that. but i don’t think we’ll always ok. i don’t think that anymore. we’ll never ever be fully ok. and that’s just the turth.

so if you are who you are right now, i don’t blame you. So please, don’t try to change me. you know for a fact that i’m not going to change for you…

 

where’s your pride?

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i have PMS. :[ so lately everything’s been a bitch. i feel like my life is functioning properly anymore, too. haha.

today i only smoked 3 cigarettes. i know that that’s already alot considering the fact that i used to only smoke like 4 cigarettes in a month. sometimes i would go for months without hold a since one but i still consider it an achievement nevertheless.

i got caught drinking last week and i finally got my nameplate. I had to get sermonized before i got it back though and i also have to submit myself to little old College of nursing lady on wednesday with a longer skirt apparently because the one i have now is waay too short. If i fail to comply, i won’t be able to take my finals. FUCKIT. i liked my short short skirt šŸ˜€

things with me and him [whom i have NEVER mentioned here until today] are doing really good. he drops by the house when he can and he’s more like a best friend more than anything. not the best friend though, i just said like. haha. i mean, we do kiss and stuff but for some reason,i stay away from it a bit cuz sometimes it’s just kinda weird, you know? like for the longest time we were JUST friends and now we’re not. i mean, not much has changed, i’ll tell you that, but you still have to adjust to little things that have.

my social life is basically revolved around condequent debuts and soccer practices. i hang out mostly with my soccermates because they smoke outside school where i smoke and yeah, i like hanging out with them. you’d think i wouldn’t considering the fact that they’re younger but no, i think they’re fun to hang out with so most of the time, i don’t mind if i’m not with nina anymore.

i bought a beanie and those nerdy glasses and this made me happy.

i’m craving for ruffles with sour cream and cheese. but mostly i just wish i was out. this is so boring.

stronger than we think

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the thing is, i like you- i like you alot. I like you so much that i honestly think that one day, i could actually love you. I like you in a way that when you’re not around, you’re the only thing i am able to think about. I worry about you and if you’re ok and if there’s anything that i can do to make things better for you. i actually think before a say anything or do anything now because i’m scared of the chances of losing you. and i don’t want to lose you.

but when i think about it real hard, you are still just a boy. you lie and you cheat and you make up excuses when there is no need for them. you create your own problems and i can very easily see that you are capable of doing a lot of things that will most likely be the end of me. and with that, i know for certain not to fall too deep for you.

But you know, if you had to leave. if you actually left, i don’t think i would be THAT hurt. I don’t think it would be so hard. Sure, i’d be sad but you know, it’s just come to a point with me where, if you’re going to leave then so be it. I won’t cry and i won’t go chasing after you.

I think things get easier after the first time.

I realized how vulnerable i am and how easy i am to fall for the little things. as if i haven’t learned anything before. haha. but you know, i’ll take everything as it is nalang. don’t really care anyways.

well, i don’t anymore! :))