I’m happy that we’ve made it this far even though sometimes, to our shame, we’ve looked back. But maybe sometimes it’s not such a bad thing to look back. After all, the past is a good place to visit but never stay in, right? And I’m really happy to say that no matter how many times I’ve doubted this relationship, I’ve never doubted you for a second- it’s always been me whose held us back. I’ve always known that but i guess my pride gets the best of me.

I don’t know whats come over me to write something so cheesy as this but I guess I know that I’ve always owed you an apology. So here it goes…

Sorry for not telling you how amazing you are when you hug me and make me feel like the only girl in the world.

Sorry for getting mad at you when you call me in the middle of the day just to say “hi” or “how’s your day?”. I know some girls would DIE for their boyfriends to give them that time.

Sorry for looking away when I see you stare too long and too hard at me. Your gaze makes me melt and I don’t want you to see how vulnerable you make me.

Sorry for getting irritated over the smallest things.

Sorry for getting more irritated when you try to make me smile from being irritated over the small things.

Sorry for always thinking of the worst. Some bad habits are hard to break.

Sorry for constantly thinking that I’m right. I now know that the only thing I’ve ever been right about my whole life is keeping you.

Sorry for thinking that you are horrible when in fact you’re not. You always try to bring out the best in me even when there’s really nothing good about me.

Sorry for telling you that you don’t support me even when that’s the only thing you’ve ever done. I guess when I don’t believe in myself I need to think that you don’t too. Because I constantly need to think I’m right.

Sorry for making you write my notes and requirements. You have nice hand writing, I can’t help it.

Sorry if I keep stealing your shirts. I cannot function unless I have a piece of you around me.

Sorry if I want more than I can get most of the time like when i eat your food or when i get your money. When i said that when we get married and you need to give me $5,000.00 a month I swear I was kidding. $4,500.00 would be fine, really. :}

I’m sorry if I’m an evil bitch lady to you 99% of the time. If I’ve punched or smacked you on a couple occasions, I won’t do it anymore and I’ve kept true to that. But you make me want to be better unfortunately, there’s nothing good to make better so it’s hard most of the time.

And lastly, I’m sorry if I don’t show you that I love you enough but you have to know, I’ve never felt this way before. I don’t believe in mushy teenage flick quotes anymore because all of that doesn’t seem real to me anymore. You are the only thing that is real and this thing that we have, THIS is real… at least for me anyways.

I love you. I love you million x infinity x alpha x omega PERIOD.

Please don’t forget that, Juan Paolo Climaco ❤

i blame only myself for all these misfortunes. Once again i gave someone the impression that they could just walk into my life and tell me how to live MY life.

FML.

is there such thing as a pre adult crisis? because i consider myself falling under this. rar. i’m 20 and my wardrobe still sucks and i don’t know what i want for my birthday. probably just a tattoo.

but then again….

Also, i’ve been busy with alex trying to make money so we can start our own fashion line. I guess it does get hard sometimes- clash of ideas and everything. Plus, she’s so effortlessly good and it makes me doubt myself because i realize with her and with a lot of people how different i am. Not just in terms of clothes, you know?

Things with Paolo have been so so. but what relationship isn’t like that, right? Sometimes in the middle of really good day i realize why not a lot of people stay last with me like in terms of friendships and everything and i think it’s because i can be really high strung sometimes and i admit most of the time i feel like i don’t need anyone but myself. I don’t know i’m just so weird like that.

Most of my thoughts basically involve me thinking that this city is too small for me and i cannot wait to leave and be on my own and start my life all over again. i wonder when that will ever happen….

Pepper is the only thing that makes me happy in the mornings especially when i get out of the shower because he likes to lick the water off my legs. I told my mom i would marry this dog and she wasn’t even surprised that i said something like that. lol.

i’ll blog some more more often. i actually miss this 🙂

Recently, my close friends’ [who was at a point, my best friend but i doubt it anymore] boyfriend threw a party that she “forgot” to invite me to. Well, she ended up not going but everyone else in our group went except for me. I honestly find it hurtful because we see each other everyday and how could she have excluded me. And to add insult to injury, she even told this girl that i HATE about it. I don’t understand how she could have forgotten to tell me when i ride with her going home everyday. EVERYDAY.

i guess it’s just hard to find real friends. Especially when your friends way back from grade school just don’t cut it anymore.

maybe it’s me….