I am a hypocrite.

I know what I want but I am always too scared to admit it.

I know that I stray away from love stories because I know what I’m missing out on and I want that. I want everything in all those damn story books.

I am such a hypocrite to turn away, dodge, not notice and snob every chance, every possibility, every hope of finding love.

I hate saying this but when you get hurt too many times and so often you begin to stop believing. But you never stop wanting it. You only stop admitting it.

I should’ve learned by now.

Today is the best I’ve felt in a while. All the crappy things I’ve been through that I tried to not let phase me don’t seem important anymore and anything I don’t have that I wish I did just doesn’t seem like a necessity.

I realized that when you don’t let the small things get to you and if you don’t set the boundaries too high for yourself, you’ll end up with sweet surprises and in my opinion, those are the best kinds.

Like unexpectedly running 6k in 36 minutes without even knowing it. 🙂 Or passing your research design hearing after the LOOOONGEST time. Or being able to scream at your mom to cool her down while having a panic attack. Those things. Those are the things I let pass me by before.

Sour patch kids. All to myself 🙂

I’ve developed quite a liking for running and it is surprising. Well, I have been running for half of my life with all the sports I’ve been involved with but running alone- it’s just something I never really planned for myself.

With running it doesn’t matter where I go- the point is that I’m going somewhere and I guess I like the fact that’s I’m heading places rather than just going back and forth. Maybe that’s why swimming has never contented me.

Today I swore I could fly. As I picked up my pace and as I ran through the street it didn’t matter that I was smearing my eyeliner or someone could’ve possibly seen me [considering it was rush hour]. I felt like I was in my own little bubble and nothing mattered. I also had very good music on which made it even better. I’m sentimental like that.

Tomorrow I’ll be swimming and we’ll see how that goes.

To whoever is reading this, I hope you guys had a good day- I do.

xx,

Issa Perez

Despite waking up at least 45 minutes before duty starts causing me to practically go into flash mode, over sleeping to charge up for swimming practice only to find out that I had already missed it [poor communication at it’s best] and also getting run over by a gazilllion jeepneys [how I hate the rush hour commute]- I have still got to say that today was a really good day.

When you’re merely trying to get by, you don’t appreciate things the way they’re meant to. You need to absorb everything like a sponge and take everything in. Like smell the scent of a room full of fruits,the rattling of keys, the awkward smile you give your patient when you realize you don’t know how to open a door and the weird look you get when he realizes that you’re just nervous and it’s not really a big deal afterall.

Sometimes I walk into a room and I never know what to expect. There’d be families gathered around their father feeding himself for the first time in weeks and you can tell that they’re just happy at the fact that he can even lift a fork. Then there are those who wonder if they’ll ever make it out of there and if they do, they fear that things will never be the same again. They carry heavy hearts and drag their shoulders.

I don’t enjoy going on duty. I don’t think I’ve learned to love nursing a tad bit in the four years that I’ve been in it. I’ve stuck with it though because I do not quit and I owe it to the people I love the most. But if there is one thing I’ve gotten out of it, it’s the fact that life goes on whether you have a good day or a really bad one and sometimes we just need to find ways to get by.

I really do hope that we’re getting to where we need to be in this point in our lives. I don’t wish for love because I’m slowly realizing that I am surrounded by it. I don’t wish for a million friends because the very few ones that I have will suffice me. Right now, in this moment, I just want to be happy. And I hope that’s what we all aim for!

It’s nice to know that my mother loves me enough to feel the need to help me with my love life.

She is currently trying to entice me into starting a more than platonic relationship with my trainer.

HAHA. I am so horrible even my fears that I’ll die alone.

Cute.

I admit, I am a workaholic.

I love to work and it has become a really good substitute for all the things I currently do not have at the moment such as: a life.

If I’m not working, I like to run or swim or engage in any form of physical activity. I’ll use my body over having to deal with emotions any day.

A lot of people have told me that running away or ignoring my feelings isn’t healthy. They think I do this as an egoistic defense mechanism to suppress the things I long to have but do not know how to get. They also think that I drown myself in work because I am ambitious. I agree to both.

There’s only one thing in the world that I want and have wanted for a long long time. Something that 2 failed long term relationships, numerous flings and a million heartaches have provided me with none. I don’t like admitting it because once you say something out loud it means that it actually means something to you. To actually have the world hear how desperate and vulnerable you are, to me, doesn’t exactly make a pretty picture.

I told myself I would be different, I did. But I am slowly realizing that I am a hypocrite. I’m just like every other girl out there- I just want to be loved. And maybe I’ve had it once or twice before but I know they were all misguided romances. I want the real thing.

I can do without the flowers and chocolates or the rapping of my window. Disregard the horse and the armor- I would take the saddle boy if it meant anything real. I guess that what I really want is someone who despite my beliefs that “everyone leaves” is someone who would ask me to stay when I realize that it is becoming all too real.

And because I know that the man I have inside my head and whom I have elaborately pictured out in the contents of my journal does not exist- I drown myself in work and unpleasant thoughts.

Sometimes I would like to believe I am crazy to think that something so rare would actually exist for me. I see my parents and I want they want. Not even distance can make a difference. I think of all the people who have left and I hate them for changing me. I think of all the love stories that are based on some truth and it makes me envious because I know that that’s not going to happen for me.

I’ll choose a career over love any day because a career won’t let you down. It won’t hurt you or make you feel like the hours you’ve put into trying to look good for them have been put to waste. A career won’t hit you, humiliate you or make you feel small. It won’t leave you and it won’t damage you like a relationship does.

A career gratifies itself.

But then again it won’t hold you in the middle of the night. It won’t look you in the eye and make the world stand still. A career won’t kiss you on the forehead and make you feel like you complete them because a career gratifies no one but itself.

So I guess I’ll be alone for a while until love finds me or until I find myself.

I think I must’ve gotten lost in all my thoughts.

Sometimes I’ll force a smile and think to myself, “this is the most you or anybody else is getting out of me today” and that’s usually it.

I’m honestly tired of all this unhappiness. Happy times, I need you more than you know.

Oh it’s times like this when I’m home on a Friday night smoking my cigarettes with the company of my soul that I miss you.

I miss you like a stone that has tumbled to and fro against the currents and has become stripped, simplified and nothing without you.

I miss knowing that you would always be around for me when I needed you and I miss the company that we shared even if it meant fighting and shouting at the top of my lungs.

I miss how it felt when you would hug me and tell me that I was beautiful- if I wasn’t to the world, at least I knew is was yours.

God how I miss you.

And I don’t know what to do because getting back isn’t an option anymore, it can never be. Not after everything that happened. But how I wish it didn’t get to this. How I wish I wasn’t lonely. How I wish I still had you even if it meant being mad at you.

How I wish things were different.

How I wish and wish but never do anything about it.

How stupid of me.

This is just to clear up everything that you may or may not know and are about to find out.

Me and Paolo have been together for 1 year and 5 months and it was a very special time in our lives but it’s over now.

It’s over.

And honestly, I think I’m ok with that.

somehow in every situation I get myself involved in, i am always a baby.

Maybe it’s supposed to be a compliment but sometimes it scares me.

Does my credibility become compromised when I become dubbed as a baby?

I can’t go out and wear extremely sexy clothes because I’ll look like a baby prostitute and when I dress my age- I look sloppy.

Maybe I’ll walk around naked or send out a scandal so people will remember how old i am.

I keep getting these fucking epiphany’s everytime I play stupid tetris battle.

I think I am ocd or a hypochondriac because i keep thinking that something’s wrong with me. Let’s say for instance when i’m playing tetris battle and i hate myself everytime I lose because i don’t understand why I suck so bad and why I can’t stop. I won’t stop until I start wining. And that’s when I start to think that I push myself to hard. But that doesn’t stop me either.

It’s like when I start to think about my other blog and how frustrated I am that I am never contented and how I’m not where I wanna be yet. And then I spend restless hours trying to think of someway to fix it and make it better. And then I work and work like a horse.

I never know when to stop.

I don’t know why I’m so angry all the time….

Which leads me to this question, why hasn’t paolo left me yet?

I think about it constantly. I wouldn’t want to be with me. Why would he?