Most of the time, I really don’t know what I want.

Most of the time, I don’t remember what I said or what I did.

Half of the time, I don’t know what the hell I’m doing or what I’m talking about or how I ended up talking about it to begin with.

But despite all the haziness in my chaotic world,

A few things are pretty much clear…

I know that I want you.

I know that I want to be with you.

I wake up in the mornings and I remember you. I remember your scent, how you look, how it feels to be beside you and how you make me feel.

I know that it doesn’t matter who I am or what I do, I know you’d still take me.

I know that these feelings are real.

And I know that in the midst of all this craziness, you make my life a lot more crazy. And I’m in love with the thought of it. ❤

I told myself that I would find a way to write down everything I felt about you and everything you make me feel. I told myself that I would divulge every knot in my stomach and every wish at 11:11 on 11.11.11 (yeah-huh) for you to read but I really just can’t.

I am slowly realizing that what I feel for you and everything we have can’t even be described. Not even a little bit. Not even if I tried. I don’t think I could find the right words to justify how happy you make me. Maybe that’s why I find you so special because for the first time in my life, I am at a loss for words.

Sometimes I wonder I could ever keep you with you or with the people you were with before. I wonder if I could make you as happy as they did. I don’t know but I’m willing to try.

For you, I’d be unconventional.

You are so amazing and I get butterflies and googley eyed just thinking about you.

I think it’s ok to forget sometimes.

Because at the end of the day, I’m always going to remember what my values are.

I think it’s ok to let go of yourself sometimes.

Because I’ll always know where to find myself.

I think it’s ok to be mad sometimes.

Because it makes the good things feel better.

I think it’s ok to be crazy sometimes.

Because I could never stand norms anyways.

I think it’s ok to think that you’re in love sometimes.

Because if it is love, I know one day when I’m all loved out, I wouldn’t mind falling in love with you over and over and over again.

How do you know for certain anyways?

I Have to stop jinxing my own happiness.

Every smile, laugh and giggle shouldn’t be so shortlived.

I need to start learning how to function in a relationship. or in life, all together.

I also need to stop walking around the house in my underwear. BUT IT’S SOO HOT!

Feelings are funny things.

I love you, you said you loved me and now you don’t want to be with me.

Louie Pestano,

I remember when I was little and extremely annoying, you were always nice to me and teaching me how to do things. I was at your graduation and birthday parties and you were always telling me to be good or helping me with whatever I needed help with whether if it was setting up the dance pad or trying to get sips of beer. Even when we grew older and went our separate ways we still remained friends and the casual hellos and holiday greetings were always present. 

Our family always looked forward to seeing your family again and it’s just sad to know that this is how we will be seeing each other after a few years.

You were a very good person and everybody says that. You were genuine, an ideal son and a loyal friend.

May you rest in peace always.

It’s cold and I am lonely. And sometimes I forget that you love me.

Isn’t this something we both wanted?

Don’t talk to me about the future. That’s just as bad as pushing me away.

Don’t talk use permanent words like forever. Because forever is a scary place.

Just let me live in this moment and not have to worry about tomorrow. I am so tired of living a life that has been laid down and planned out for me.

But please hold me because I miss you and I’m having trouble merely making it through the night.