Feelings are funny things.

I love you, you said you loved me and now you don’t want to be with me.

Louie Pestano,

I remember when I was little and extremely annoying, you were always nice to me and teaching me how to do things. I was at your graduation and birthday parties and you were always telling me to be good or helping me with whatever I needed help with whether if it was setting up the dance pad or trying to get sips of beer. Even when we grew older and went our separate ways we still remained friends and the casual hellos and holiday greetings were always present. 

Our family always looked forward to seeing your family again and it’s just sad to know that this is how we will be seeing each other after a few years.

You were a very good person and everybody says that. You were genuine, an ideal son and a loyal friend.

May you rest in peace always.

It’s cold and I am lonely. And sometimes I forget that you love me.

Isn’t this something we both wanted?

Don’t talk to me about the future. That’s just as bad as pushing me away.

Don’t talk use permanent words like forever. Because forever is a scary place.

Just let me live in this moment and not have to worry about tomorrow. I am so tired of living a life that has been laid down and planned out for me.

But please hold me because I miss you and I’m having trouble merely making it through the night.

I don’t like letting people into my life, I guess that’s why I tend to gravitate towards people or things that are familiar to me.But unlike what was comfortable and what was common to me, our friendship was complicated and short lived.

I admit, I hated you at first. You were cocky and outspoken. You were my Phil and I was Lil. We were so common that it threatened me. But we became friends and in a short span of time, my best friend and eventually my brother.

Now we don’t talk and you just pass by me like I never told you my most deepest thoughts and fears. You act like you forgot that you were one of the very few people I could actually run to when I was so scared that everyone would judge me because I knew that everyone would. I know you have become one of those people because I feel the weight of the looks that you give me.

It hurts, you know? Because I never wanted to lose you. I’m not ever going to have those random nights were we just sit and talk about everything and nothing and plan our lives because you know that the future scares me.

If I’m just going to keep losing friends then I’d rather not make any because it hurts when they leave.

I’m so stupid for forgetting that.

So thanks again for reminding me that people always leave. Especially the ones who promised they wouldn’t.

Issa

I am slowly learning that you can have a million friends but can only count your real friends on one hand. Sometimes it feels like on just one finger.

As I contemplate everything that is going on right now, I try to reminisce on our friendship and I’m beginning to wonder why we ever became friends in the first place. We started out as enemies a very long time ago- I hated you and you hated me. I think about this now and not much has changed in those years of being “friends” after all..

I’m not going to finish this. You are not even worth my anger right now.

God will give me strength. He always does.

Sometimes people can want the same things and not have to be together.

I am a hypocrite.

I know what I want but I am always too scared to admit it.

I know that I stray away from love stories because I know what I’m missing out on and I want that. I want everything in all those damn story books.

I am such a hypocrite to turn away, dodge, not notice and snob every chance, every possibility, every hope of finding love.

I hate saying this but when you get hurt too many times and so often you begin to stop believing. But you never stop wanting it. You only stop admitting it.

I should’ve learned by now.

Today is the best I’ve felt in a while. All the crappy things I’ve been through that I tried to not let phase me don’t seem important anymore and anything I don’t have that I wish I did just doesn’t seem like a necessity.

I realized that when you don’t let the small things get to you and if you don’t set the boundaries too high for yourself, you’ll end up with sweet surprises and in my opinion, those are the best kinds.

Like unexpectedly running 6k in 36 minutes without even knowing it. 🙂 Or passing your research design hearing after the LOOOONGEST time. Or being able to scream at your mom to cool her down while having a panic attack. Those things. Those are the things I let pass me by before.

Sour patch kids. All to myself 🙂

I’ve developed quite a liking for running and it is surprising. Well, I have been running for half of my life with all the sports I’ve been involved with but running alone- it’s just something I never really planned for myself.

With running it doesn’t matter where I go- the point is that I’m going somewhere and I guess I like the fact that’s I’m heading places rather than just going back and forth. Maybe that’s why swimming has never contented me.

Today I swore I could fly. As I picked up my pace and as I ran through the street it didn’t matter that I was smearing my eyeliner or someone could’ve possibly seen me [considering it was rush hour]. I felt like I was in my own little bubble and nothing mattered. I also had very good music on which made it even better. I’m sentimental like that.

Tomorrow I’ll be swimming and we’ll see how that goes.

To whoever is reading this, I hope you guys had a good day- I do.

xx,

Issa Perez