Due to a certain change of events, I am home early tonight. And if God couldn’t be kinder, He chose to clear up my schedule on the very night I decided that I wanted to draw a bird. Yes, you heard me right, a bird. It’s not a special bird or a bird that I’ve known of for a while. In all honesty, it’s a picture of a bird I saved off from 9gag. But it’s a cute bird; I’ll give you that- and I do believe that I’ve slowly gained a certain interest in these majestic creatures of flight, often making them my inspiration when trying to design clothes. (Emphasis on the try, people)

So here I am, minutes before eight, plopped on my bed (because I don’t have a table to draw on and that sucks) with my laptop on to keep me from being lonely. I don’t know how most people start when they decide to sketch but when drawing animate objects, I start with the eyes. So there I go, sketching away, having a go at shading and plotting (I’ve never really had any informal or formal education so that explains my weak vocabulary) when I realized that… I cannot draw to save my life.

I know this now because:

1. My little birds’ eyes were not, in any way, proportional. If that bird could move, it would’ve pecked my eyes and snapped my hands off.

2. Any bird with a head as big as the one of my feathered friend and that puny body I etched to match would be at the bottom of the food chain and would seriously hate evolution.

3. Beaks are not my forte. And neither are extremities. Peoples, birds, dogs- snakes. If they had any, I would’ve seriously f*cked that up, too.

4. Anything that is monochrome, duachrome [?!], anything other than technicolor is beyond my God given talents. Unless you think purple, blue and grey could pass as decent substitutes of black (probably, but not in the way I played it).

5. Mostly because, I forgot that when it comes to drawing or life in general, it’s important to pay attention to the bigger picture rather than scrutinize every.single.minute.detail.

I’d like to say that I’m not a quitter but let’s face it, I know a lost cause when I see one. So down went my pens and off went the paper (and into the trash bin) and I found myself sitting on my lumpy bed frustrated, incapable but mostly, sad.

And just like every single time I’m feeling down in the dumps, I like to think of all the things I could’ve done differently or the different ways that I could’ve screwed it up more to avoid doing it again next time. And I guess, in the midst of all that wallowing over a drawing, I came to the realization that:

1. I am not the best and well, maybe I never will be.

2.  People make mistakes but that doesn’t mean we should give up.

3. It takes practice. It takes time. And most of all, it takes patience.

4. If I never tried, I never would have known.

5. I have a very short attention span. I think it’s an undiagnosed case of ADHD. My mom never got me tested so, I guess we will never really know, will we? Haha.

And although I’ve put all my materials in their designated nooks and corners of my room, I am not at loss. See, I’m trying to take this evenings’ epiphany in the most philosophical way possible and somehow apply it to my daily life. I went down wiser, did I not? I’m a winner! *crowd roar*

In some ways, they are all great and I feel like the bomb diggity. But on the other hand, these are things I should’ve already known or at least remembered. But then again- practice, time and patience. I am not perfect, I forget [more than I ought to] and sometimes it takes epically failing to draw a bird to remember that.

Believe me, I could go on and on and on about how the bird is my relationship with Paolo or how it is my job or my mother but I’d rather not. Right now, I’m just going to enjoy the rest of my evening and de-stress myself from my de-stressing stress.

Maybe tomorrow will be a good drawing day. Or next week. Or never, who knows? But at least I learned.

My apologies to all the birds who were offended by this post.

I often wonder about taking a break from fashion blogging. I wonder what it would be like to get away from the politics, the oftentimes shallowness [trying to figure out what top to wear that wouldn’t make me look like a slut while trying to look “relevant”] and honestly, the vanity of it all. (I won’t lie and say I don’t enjoy it. It just gets tiring sometimes.)

I often miss not having to worry about how many hits I get in a day and trying to think of ways to be innovative enough to compete against all the ones ahead of me while thinking quietly to myself that I will soon have my day.

I sometimes miss the Issa who used writing as an outlet and found beauty even in the smallest of things. I remember how a branch in the middle of my way to work made me remember about how blessed I was despite all the despites, the Issa who thought that a smile was euphoric and the little girl who was weak but felt strong when words would just flow from her lips. Or finger. Or thoughts. You get the point.

I miss the run on sentences. Oh, I miss those!

Don’t get me wrong, I love fashion. I grew up in it, I’ve lived every day of my life in it and my childhood dreams revolved around it. And I guess to put it bluntly; these are dreams that I’m not quite willing to let go- maybe ever. But there are things that have happened in my life that have been left accounted for and sometimes, I think I’ve forgotten how to be grateful for them.

Recently, I’ve reconnected with my biological father after not talking to him for 3 years. Shortly after, I reconnected with his family whom I stopped to talking to, as well. And I let these things, as great as they are, pass me by without the slightest bit of gratitude or even an emotional input. Maybe because I wasn’t sure about how I felt about it or maybe because I was too busy caring about other things to even take notice. And thinking about it now, I think it’s a pity. I think it’s a pity that I never stopped to think about how lucky I am of not having to carry the burden of a grudge and to feel at peace with these things that often haunt me.

I miss not trying to be relevant or trendy or of thinking about how I could benefit from doing something. Simply putting it, I forgot how to go back to where I started. I forgot how it felt to feel alive because I was actually living. And I think that’s a shame.

Thinking about it now, the pass few months have usually been about me trying not to be so sensitive, trying to not overthink and trying as much as possible to block out feelings. In the process, I forgot how to feel and think and I learned the hard way that it fucks you up in more ways than one.

And I guess we can all be preoccupied with different things like a new job, a new hobby, a new boyfriend or [surprise, surprise] a new blog but I think it’s important to come back to the things that kept you grounded. You know, the little things that keep (or in my case, kept) you sane, alive and substantial.

I guess I just forgot that when I’m feeling down in the dumps or up in cloud 9 that I had this safe haven to come home to. But I’m home now. And this time, I won’t forget where I left the keys.

I’m sorry and I’ve missed you.

August – December 2012 – Studied for the board exams

December 16- 17, 2012 – Took the board exams

December 18- January 1 – Christmas vacation [I deserved a break, didn’t I?”]

December 20 – Opened www.issaplease.blogspot.com

January 2 – got in touch with Kaz for Rhip Stop, Cebu

January 3- Conceptualized “When Food and Fashion Meet” with food blogger and close friend, Justinne Go

January 5 – Found clients for Sinulog

Found other clients

January 7 – Conceptualized “pants” business

January 10 – Won Preview Magazine’s Haute Holiday Contest [overnight stay at Marriot Hotel for 2]

January 12 – Did make up and co-styled for iFeet, Cebu

January 13 – Reached 1,200++ views on my blog site

January 13 – Took a job offer from SugboTV as part time researcher/ writer

———

Upcoming plans:

Pay my phone bill

Pay my rent

Pay Paolo for his shoes

Buy Paolo a birthday gift

Use my Forever 21 gift card on a long skirt and a sweater

Get money for pants business

Get more photo shoots -> eventually get PAID.

In case you thought I was just working a 9:00 – 7:30 shift.

Everyday I am always trying to figure out what the hell is wrong with me. And if I’m ever going to be enough. And if I’m ever going to be truly happy. I’m out of options and pick me ups. I hate this emotional fist fight.

You know how they always tell how to “Not Judge A Book By It’s Cover?”

Yeah, I think I’m going to start doing that.

I keep forgetting that people have it worse in life than I do.

I realized, that if people are going to hate me, then I must have been doing something right.

Because in my perspective, I have made them realize that I have done something they can’t- I have something that they don’t have and things like that don’t go unnoticed. To be remembered, to be pin-pointed over the most minute things just goes to show that you can earn a degree, but class is something you are born with.

So when I show up tomorrow, please know that I know who you are (or at least have an IDEA of who you are: childish, cheap and immature) but I’m not going to ruin you the ways you THINK you have ruined me.

I have other ways of doing things.

You claim that when you were at your lowest, He gave you your strength.

When you couldn’t face the day, He provided you with a shield.

You preach so fondly of how He gave you the courage you never knew you had and yet,

Is this the same man that has turned you into the monster you have become?

Think about that before you force me to go to church and sing your empty songs.

Let me introduce you all to my current addiction (after Annoying Orange and Pretty Pet Salon Seasons and soon Silent Hill), Order Up!

Order up is a cooking simulation- styled mini game that comes with different challenges aside from the typical taking of orders, cooking, serving and etc (much like Diner Dash that I have looong broken up with). This games allows you to manage your supplies, hire assistants, clean up your restaurant and others. Plus, the mini challenges such as getting a surprise from the health inspector and having to clean dishes which I have learned that I have no talent in, real life or virtually. *sigh*

I’m not technically a gamer girl but I do enjoy an occasional game of Left 4 Dead and Counter Strike but I draw the line with DOTA (deal breaker right there!) and iPhone games are my Kryponite.

But I’ve got to admit that I’ve grown a special fondness for Order Up above all my hoarded apps. Believe it or not and as crazy as it seems, it took a cooking game to help me realize how to take care of my relationship.

I’ve been huddled in my cube for the past 3 days, refusing to get up or to mingle with anybody. Been rushing to take smoke breaks on my own to calm my what-could-be anxiety attacks in an attempt to figure out what it takes to sustain a relationship. And by some miracle of God, all it took was a bunch of guys from SuperVillain Studios to make me realize it.

So here are a few of my shameless epiphanies:

 It takes the right amount of time. If I don’t cook it right, it won’t be perfect. If I serve it too soon it means I wasn’t patient enough to let things turn out the way they were supposed to. But if I cook it too long, there just might not be anything to look forward to anymore.

Stop, look and LISTEN. I have to admit, I have a bad habit of not reading instructions. Believe me, many tests have been failed in my name because of my inability to read the fine print. It’s a bad habit I have yet to learn from because gamewise, it cost me thousands of dollars, level ups and bonuses and relationshipwise, it has been the cause of many many arguments.

Oh the troubles of being a talker and not a very good listener.

Some people want specific things. I’ve met a lot of people who think that every relationship is the same as the other. They assume that once you’ve got the basics down (trust, honesty, blah blah) then you’re set. But I’ve come to realize that people want specific things. My boyfriend wants me to dress like “I’m in a relationship” (whatever the f* that means. *scrolls eyes. flips over table.* I HATE THIS RULE!) As for me? Well, I want a lot of things like maintaining my identity over anything else and to go to the zoo.

You can’t do 2 or 3 or 5 things at the same time and expect to have a good time. Common sense, boys!

 It takes a lot of care and nurturing.

 Sometimes, as much as it kills you, it is OK to ask for help.

Strategy is EVERYTHING. Lesson learned: No one has ever gotten anywhere good from jumping the gun. Note to self: Learn how to “think before speaking”

And some adivce to myself:

 Know when to stop. In gaming and in life in general. Oh, I’ve got the worse mouth by far.

And here’s a little bonus:

Guarantee satisfaction.

Now if only I can turn these thoughts into actions then I wouldn’t finding myself constantly apologizing.

Because I hate admiting that I am wrong. (But it must be done)

Issa P.

Let me introduce you all to my current addiction (after Annoying Orange and Pretty Pet Salon Seasons and soon Silent Hill), Order Up!

Order up is a cooking simulation- styled mini game that comes with different challenges aside from the typical taking of orders, cooking, serving and etc (much like Diner Dash that I have looong broken up with). This games allows you to manage your supplies, hire assistants, clean up your restaurant and others. Plus, the mini challenges such as getting a surprise from the health inspector and having to clean dishes which I have learned that I have no talent in, real life or virtually. *sigh*

I’m not technically a gamer girl but I do enjoy an occasional game of Left 4 Dead and Counter Strike but I draw the line with DOTA (deal breaker right there!) and iPhone games are my Kryponite.

But I’ve got to admit that I’ve grown a special fondness for Order Up above all my hoarded apps. Believe it or not and as crazy as it seems, it took a cooking game to help me realize how to take care of my relationship.

I’ve been huddled in my cube for the past 3 days, refusing to get up or to mingle with anybody. Been rushing to take smoke breaks on my own to calm my what-could-be anxiety attacks in an attempt to figure out what it takes to sustain a relationship. And by some miracle of God, all it took was a bunch of guys from SuperVillain Studios to make me realize it.

So here are a few of my shameless epiphanies:

 It takes the right amount of time. If I don’t cook it right, it won’t be perfect. If I serve it too soon it means I wasn’t patient enough to let things turn out the way they were supposed to. But if I cook it too long, there just might not be anything to look forward to anymore.

Stop, look and LISTEN. I have to admit, I have a bad habit of not reading instructions. Believe me, many tests have been failed in my name because of my inability to read the fine print. It’s a bad habit I have yet to learn from because gamewise, it cost me thousands of dollars, level ups and bonuses and relationshipwise, it has been the cause of many many arguments.

Oh the troubles of being a talker and not a very good listener.

Some people want specific things. I’ve met a lot of people who think that every relationship is the same as the other. They assume that once you’ve got the basics down (trust, honesty, blah blah) then you’re set. But I’ve come to realize that people want specific things. My boyfriend wants me to dress like “I’m in a relationship” (whatever the f* that means. *scrolls eyes. flips over table.* I HATE THIS RULE!) As for me? Well, I want a lot of things like maintaining my identity over anything else and to go to the zoo.

You can’t do 2 or 3 or 5 things at the same time and expect to have a good time. Common sense, boys!

 It takes a lot of care and nurturing.

 Sometimes, as much as it kills you, it is OK to ask for help.

Strategy is EVERYTHING. Lesson learned: No one has ever gotten anywhere good from jumping the gun. Note to self: Learn how to “think before speaking”

And some adivce to myself:

 Know when to stop. In gaming and in life in general. Oh, I’ve got the worse mouth by far.

And here’s a little bonus:

Guarantee satisfaction.

Now if only I can turn these thoughts into actions then I wouldn’t finding myself constantly apologizing.

Because I hate admiting that I am wrong. (But it must be done)

Issa P.