I heard from the grapevine that Xanga, which is my original blogging platform, will be shutting down in a few months. But then again, this comes with an exemption. If they can raise a few hundred thousands then all our teenage angst filled posts will be saved.

I’ve had http://www.xanga.com/aa_bebe_phat_aa for 10 years already and I’m desperate to save it. It is my entire childhood and I’m a bit sentimental like that.

So this is me saving one of the most important things in my life. My blog.

And then I’ll probably continue word vomiting here.

You have all been forewarned.

I love you so much that it is honestly very scary.

I love you that sometimes I look at you and I feel like I could love you for the rest of my life.

Like I could watch you grow old, bald, with a pot belly and it would be the most beautiful sight in the world. You know, to have seen you age so graciously.

I love you in a way that I’d want to cook breakfast for you and make sure your clothes are ready in the morning and your shoes are shined. I love you in a way that I would want to make your day happy and when it’s not, I’d like to be the person to change that.

I love you that it’s really scary. Scary because I didn’t really know that you could have these feelings. Because I’ve never had these feelings.

I love you in a way that I pray that God fixes me. I pray that I can fix myself. I pray that I can be that person for you. That I can be someone strong enough for you. Someone smart enough. Someone responsible enough. Someone who is enough. Someone you can look at and be proud of. Someone you can smile about.

I love you.I love you in a what the hell happened to me kind of way. I love you in a- that is so completely not me kind of way.

I love you so much that I just made the crappiest love letter ever. And there is nowhere to insert my poor humor.

That’s what you do to me.

I guess we all have our own set of struggles.

I’m battling thoughts of spending money on an origami skirt and an off shoulder shirt thingy which will totally give me that girly vibe I’ve been dying to achieve. While at the same time, I am also trying to figure out what is more important to me- food or clothes.

My friend is up at almost 1:00 pm rattling her brain over her boyfriend while another friend isn’t quite sure about what she wants anymore.

Meanwhile, somewhere in the world, there is probably someone who has it much much worse than we do.

Somewhere, someone is most likely dying.

I think I’m going to savor worrying and being sad about not being able to afford a skort I could totally afford if I didn’t eat for a day. Who knows, maybe tomorrow I’ll be worried about something much much worse.

But for now, I want that origami skort, that top, those shoes and high waste printed shorts.

For now.

There’s something about honesty that can be quite liberating.

Especially when you are being honest with yourself.

Maybe the reason why people are so scared of being honest is because secrets are a reminder that we actually have something to lose. It makes us vulnerable, humble and maybe, just maybe, these are things that remind us that we are alive.

Maybe we hold on, as selfish as it may seem, because we don’t want to let go of the things that oftentimes, aren’t supposed to be ours anymore.

Then again, maybe sometimes we hide skeletons in our closets because that’s where they are meant to be.

I guess everyone has their reasons and every secret kept tucked behind has been placed their for a reason. Reasons we may never really know and well, maybe that’s just not my problem anymore.

I don’t know where I’m heading with this blog post because right now I feel naked.

I feel happy and hurt at the same time but it’s not necessarily a bad thing, you know?

I feel liberated. And maybe that’s a good thing.

I have made the honest mistake of watching Serendipity while on my period. For reasons I can’t fully explain but let’s just say, I was hoping to watch The Great Gatsby but ended up watching Star Trek: Into Darkness instead and quite frankly, their costume design pissed me off.
 
Hormones are really one of the main reasons I hate being a woman. That and (you may or may NOT believe it) but also dressing up. But not childbirth, never childbirth! The world needs babies. They are cute, cuddly and they might just be the only form of humans I hardly feel the need to suffocate no matter how loud they can get. (to everyone in my office, now you know how I feel about you) Those may or may not be the hormones talking.
 
So going back to my hormones and Serendipity, watching it was not a very good idea. Despite it being my millionth time to watch it, I found myself so lost and confused. I was jealous and suddenly unsure of myself and my feelings. I started to wonder if I would ever have that sort of love (well, not their love. That was f*cked up) when at the back of my head, I was quite sure that the man I want to grow old with was lying in bed or up playing counter strike (which I have no problems with, btw). I was scared because suddenly the thought that maybe he didn’t feel the same way about me crept in which made me think that I needed some sort of security, some kind of assurance. Then I thought about us breaking up and me never being happy again and him finding someone better than me, someone with a cleaner slate, someone girlier- and it scared me because, “shit! I forgot to comb Barbie’s hair today!”. And then I thought about how much I wanted McDonald’s and how I should move to Manila and start a career there and how much I hate the Star Trek uniforms and that cheap cloth. Ugh! And… uhm… Hi! That’s pretty much how a menstruating woman’s head sounds like.
So I have made a list of to keep in mind when handling a menstruating woman:
 
1.       Watching any form of entertainment that involves love, romance especially unrequited love is a bad idea. And by watching it makes you a bad person!
2.       Do not go to places where couples might be on dates, unless you’re out on one. But that can be hazardous, as well.
Ø   If you are single, there are a million reasons why this is wrong and if you aren’t then you will most likely bitch at your man for not taking you out on one.
3.       Do not attempt to dress. Also, pressuring us to dress is also not advised.
Ø  Why the hell doesn’t anything look good when I’m bleeding? I never knew I was THIS fat!
4.       Menstruating women should not have access to a fridge and/ or kitchen. Because we will sweep that shit up.
5.       Personal contact is hazardous to everyone’s health. Suggested distance is about 5 feet from us. Believe me,  I pushed a girl yesterday and I punched a number of guys who got on my nerves. I am innocent.
6.       Talking should be done at your own risk. Because if you say something stupid, I will call it out. And I will humiliate you cuz you’re stupid and I think you should know.
7.       Never ask us for advice. Nuff said.
8.       Never ask us for our “honest” opinion. YOU CAN’T HANDLE TO TRUTH!!
9.       Talking about our boyfriends ex’s or our ex’s is like asking me if I want to sucker punch you. Because I do and I’ll consider it as permission to do so.
10.   Say NO with caution. Refusing a bleeding woman is like taking candy away from a baby. It’s like stealing your dads cigarettes or being cast out of the garden of Eden. It is that bad. Which totally eradicates rules 1-9.
 
11.   Keep a bleeding girl locked up. Like a bear should ought to be hibernating. But let her know you love her because she doesn’t understand herself either. When the pre menstrual/ intra menstrual and post menstrual syndromes are done, we will go back to loving you. Sure, we still not really like you but we’ll be easier to manage.
 
I’d finish this but I’m back to wanting McDonald’s.l

There is nothing more motivating than knowing that nobody has your back.

There is nothing more fuel burning than knowing that this is my battle and I’m going to do it alone.

It sucks in ways, because I don’t think that anyone believes in me, not even the people who mean the most to me. But well, what am I going to do about people who want to think I’m chicken shit? Prove them wrong.

No one is going to pat you on the back and throw you a bone (or a designer bag) when you do something good but they will magnify, gratify and multiply your flaws.

I was wrong, I know. I’ll fix it. Even if it’s the last thing I do. Just to shut everyone up.

For the first time, I’m looking forward to silence.

My world does not and it shall not revolve around a sole person. And I must always remember never to forget that my dreams are only as big as I allow them to be.

So i shouldn’t let anything hold me back and most of all, I shouldn’t let anyone make me feel less than I am. 

I do what winners do.

Not much intellectual output on the emotional breakdown that went on from 2:00 o’ clock of this afternoon until late 5:00 today. 

It was really nice to know that I had my mom around to talk to though because technically, this is her fault. LOL.

Sometimes I think it’s stupid that I still get bothered about the fact that I am and always will be an “illegitimate” child. I mean, it is high time that I got used to the stigmas of being “the other child” or “Issa, *blah’s* kid with *blah* before *blah* and *blah*” and not just, “Issa, *blah’s* kid.”

I know other people have it much much worse than I do hence the, not much intellectual output on matter but honestly, sometimes it does suck. A lot.

In conclusion, I told my mom that I never wanted to get married, (which really isn’t a problem on my part because no one in the right mind would want to marry me) and she said something in the context of “who the hell are you trying to fool?” Which is partially true. Aside from success, all I’ve ever wanted was to have my own family. Give someone the chance to have the kind of family I never had and in some ways, know how it felt to be a part of a family that wasn’t avoiding each other or at each others necks.

I guess seeing my ancestors (yeah, ancestors) is and always will be a bitter reminder of my childhood that I have long tried to let go of. I guess I tried to run away from them like I tend to do instead of just embrace it and well, there goes my weakness.

But if I got anything out of that hour long heavy and tearful talk, it was that, I can still fix the things that I am not happy with in my life.

I think I’ll go buy myself a wig. I am currently unhappy with my hair. And the fact that my boyfriend didn’t make me his +1 to a wedding while everyone else did. The award for most thoughtful goes to…

I tend to do this a lot especially when I’m left alone with my thoughts. I tend to think of all the things that scare me which is never really a good thing. It’s an awful habit, I know and if you are curious about how it feels like- don’t. It leaves you with nightmares and ruins your mornings even before they begin. How I acquired this weak hobby of mine, I don’t recall but I wish to put an end to it.

I used to write A LOT because it helped me process my thoughts easier. It’s different in your head and on paper because on paper (or screen) it’s concrete. If I can see it, I’ll accept it. But if it’s all in my head then expect a hot mess. Or just a mess. Whichever rocks your boat.

So here I am, listing down my petty fears in hopes that when I read this over and over again, I will realize how stupid I am abd maybe then, just MAYBE, we can carry on with our lives and the more important problems..

1. I fear that I will never be good enough.
2. That I will never come to find what I want to do in life.
3. That one day Paolo will wake up and realize that it is not I he wants.
4. That i will die alone.
5. That I will never make my parents proud of me.
6. That I’m goin to turn into an unhappy and ungrateful shmuck.

They really are common and random situational crises that people my age go through everyday but I’ve written them down to lighten the load. Maybe when I go home tonight, I’ll take out my journal (yeah, I keep a journal. Shoot me!) and find remedies to my mental disorder.

This is me, crazy and everything.

FYI: I am currently blogging on my phone and I think technology has really upped it’s game by letting us do this. It’s everything I have EVER dreamed of! 🙂 Yey for technology and yey for free apps!

It’s a lot more convenient to be able to ramble through my mobile when a laptop isn’t available. Also considering that work has blocked ALL my blogs. Thanks, b*tches!