In a weeks time [lies, a day, to be more precise] I have managed to delete all my fashion accounts, announce my interwebial demise [including thought of deleting my fb account] and have the biggest baddest and whackest emotional breakdowns of all time.

It’s been 2 days since and I’ve been stuck in bed due to gastritis or dyspepsia, I don’t know, but whatever it is, it hurts like hell.

I guess this all started 2-3 weeks ago when I noticed how hard it is to get out of bed or how much I couldn’t stand to go home. Or maybe when I felt like I lost everything. This could possibly have been triggered after the board exams came out and the pressure to take my board exams started to take its form. Maybe it started 2 Saturdays ago when I decided to go out without Paolo and realized that I haven’t been the best girl friend I should’ve been and that trailing thought of, “will I ever be?” Or maybe it started when I began to realize that I wasn’t where I wanted to be in my life- An employee, in my cube, amongst a sea of mere employees. And because I don’t like appearing weak, because I promised myself I would not complain, because I told myself that this was only temporary- I allowed all these frustrations to chew me up until that Sunday when I broke down.

But the truth, the truth that I so unwillingly want to face is that these choices, the place that I’m in right now has been no one else’s decision but mine. And I guess it kills me inside to admit that my dreams are so much bigger than this and yet, I allowed myself to settle for less.

So in lieu of this, I have decided to set my priorities straight. So that in 2 years from now, I will be all the things I said I would be. And these things are:

– To launch my fashion career [stylist, writer, designer- whatever’s out there for me]

– To start hosting [if I ever get the chance to]

– To start writing more sensible articles [no more random ramblings]

– To fix myself and bury the skeletons in my closet pretty well.

I don’t want to wake up 3 years from now and be as miserable and pathetic as I am now. I want that sense of accomplishment and I want it now. I don’t want to think that 4 years of putting my dreams on hold has taken it’s toll on me. 

Hello much under appreciated blog of mine, it’s been a long 2 months and many missed entries since- you have been missed.

I’ve been trying to read through you since my first entry on December 29 (or something), 2005 and doing that made me cringe, laugh but mostly face palm myself because oh my god, I am a horrible person. And I’ve noticed that I love to talk about love a lot which I find quite odd because… well, I never took myself for someone who liked to talk about love a lot. *new discoveries. wow*

As of the moment my life has been going through some major reconstructive surgery and I constantly find myself lost, tired and broken. But I look forward to the day that I conquer all these challenges so ’til then, I am looking up. It gets especially hard when you have no one to confide all these things with and your only means of sanity (which is you) has been taken away. I must invest on a pocket wifi. -.-

So here is my life in a nutshell.

April – graduated

May – June – worked for our company

June – quit my job and applied for Accenture where I am currently employed in.

moved out of the house

July – Present times – I am basically on my own now. Taxes, bills, rent, food and everything. I don’t like going home early because my room is extremely small and I have nothing there to distract me. I hate Sundays because I got into a fight with my family and I usually see them on Sundays but not anymore and I miss them terribly. I am currently pressured to take my board exams which I really don’t want to. I know this is stupid but that’s just how I feel but I am trying very hardly to feel differently.

My job is fine. It’s not as challenging as I wished it would be but they say that that changes in the next few months so I’m not going to complain.

I had to leave the house early today instead of just wanting to be lazy the whole day because my granny was going to visit my lola and we haven’t talked in 3 years and I just didn’t want to put myself in that situation.

I wish I could update you more but I feel an attack coming and I’m getting dizy and nauseated at the same time so I’ll… update you some other time.

with love,

Issa

I’m in love with you and I’m in love with us and I’m in love with the thought of tomorrow because it’ll be another day we get to spend together.

There are things going on that I cannot stop and things going on that even if I could, I would still choose not to. It just doesn’t matter where we are… you are mine and I am yours and nothing, not even distance can change that.

It’s going to be rough and I am going to cry.. a lot. Just a heads up but I’m sure you already knew. But in the end, this will all be worth it, I know it.

Choosing you has always been worth it.

11:11

1. To be with the person I’m supposed to be with.

2. To be the person that person is supposed to be with as well

3. To always have the ability to make that person happy and VV

4. To find a job

5. To move out

6. To have more fashion blog entries

7. To have enough money for school (specifically at FIDA, at least for 3 months)

8. When all these things have been accomplished, to feel genuinely happy. 

Hi, my name is Issa. People call me Issa.

I am 21 years old and as I was typing my age, I literally had to stop and recount it in my head and on my fingers because I honestly still think that I am 18 years old.

I have these big thoughts in my head and I don’t know where to place them or what to do with them and in the process of this confusion, I get scared and often end up watching Serendipity in my room to calm myself down.

I like to sketch things. It depends on my mood but I have discovered that I am more creative when I am sad, lonely, anger and depressed altogether. Which happens every 2-3 times a week so I’m pretty much artsy.

My idea of solving my problems is by running away from the situation in order to collect my thoughts. Often I like to remove myself from the vicinity and collect my thoughts so when I’m back, I don’t want to strangle every one so much. kidding.

I am hoping to get a new job. And if I get this new job, I am hoping to move out. Because I want to find peace with myself and with the people I love. I can’t keep being so angry anymore so I’m trying to fix it. (REFER TO RUNNING AWAY)

At this very moment, I am thinking about cooking myself a 10:30 meal because I’m hungry. But then again, I’m lazy and there will be breakfast tomorrow so MAYBE this hunger can wait.

And I also have a dog named Meow. She is fairly annoying. She likes to eat her own poo.

And yeah, well you know, things work like that. whatcanido, whatcanido.

I think I’m going to watch Serendipity now.

Good night.

HONESTY IS NOT THE BEST F*CKING POLICY. Because if it were, I wouldn’t have people telling me to lie during a job interview. HA!

Seems like I got suspended for nothing.

I guess life is funny like that. You can love and love and love a person without ever feeling loved in return. And as much as you would want to leave, you know you will never really find the guts in your heart to do so. So until that day finally comes you just sit around and pray that one day some person is going to come and sweep you off your feet and love you the way you’ve always wanted to be loved. Probably even love you the way you gave love and if you’re lucky, even more.

Me? I used to. But not anymore. I’m just… happy. In my own little ways. A cheeseburger would make me happy or being able to play frisbee. Or laying on the beach with good music and good company.

Life is funny. You can have everything and still feel lonely and sad and pathetic and like it’s still not enough. I guess it’s human nature to never be satisfied- to always want more. And here I am, kinda feeling that way but I know things like this will pass so I look forward to getting there.

I still haven’t had my Mcdo. 2 attempted fails na. I don’t even want it that much anymore. *sigh*

Do you think that we are meant to be with one person for the rest of our lives?

Or that we were meant to be with all the people we were with in the past so that when the right one finally comes along we know how lucky we are?

I hope God wrote me this wonderful love story where it’s good and it’s bad and it gets better and it lasts. :3

I am my worst enemy because nobody destroys me quite like myself.

I like to over think and overwhelm myself in the process and I’ll admit- the future scares me.

I have so many dreams and aspirations and somehow the thought of them just staying like that freaks me out more.

I am scared that I want too much that a lifetime would never be able to manage them all.

But these fears are irrational and petty because I know that I make my own bliss.

But the night times scare me because these are the times where the world is quiet and my thoughts are loud.

So yeah, allow me to be scared because it makes me appreciate my bravery more.

Because I know I am capable of being just that.

I’m just hazy in the head.

I get sleepy too.

:*

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Random conversation with an old friend:

him: hi iss

me:okie lang

 

me: HAPPY BIRTHDAAAAY!!!

bitw?

oh nooooo

buwag na gyud for real??

 

me: haha it’s ok ra oi

well, it was different for me because I wanted to leave paolo for a very long time na most of the time na uyab mi kay pugos naman lang ko

me: yeah but kibaw ka think of it this way, you can make moments with other people

although sometimes I still think about Paolo C. I have Paolo now [yeah, same name] and he makes me happier.

if i never left Paolo would I ever know this happiness? I doubt

same goes for you