Drama for the Mama

P4280940 copy

Is it because you don’t feel the way
That I do?

I wish you knew how my insides feel whenever I’m with him. I wish you knew exactly how it feels like when it’s just me and him and I don’t have to care about who I am or about who I should be around him. I wish it wasn’t so hard for you to accept that I’m happy and I finally feel like I’m worth more than I really am because no one makes me feel like that except him.

I wish you’d at least consider the possibilities of me being with someone and not block me out or push me away from them because of the mistakes you’ve made and the mistakes you think I’d make because I’m not you, I know more and it’s not just lust and I doubt it’s anything more than the real thing.

I wish I could tell you how happy he makes me feel and how I see myself being with him for a long time. Is it wrong to be in love? Because this is the best I’ve ever felt.

I don’t expect you to understand and accept everything because I know that you’re not going to do that. I know for a fact that you’re not going to just let me win but I’m telling you… I’m not letting go.

I asked God for something I’ve wanted for a long time. I asked God for something that I’m supposed to have, something that’s supposed to be mine and mine alone and I really do feel that He gave me him. And honestly, I don’t think that God would just give me something so beautiful for no good reason.

I’m keeping this. I wish you’d let me keep him.

what a ride..

last night was SOMETHING.

i’m at apas. Lagz came over at about 1:30-2. left 3. i ALMOST got caught. fortunately, i’m an angel in my grandparents eyes and i’m also one hell of a good liar.

[but i would never lie to YOU]

news is pacqiao died. so yeah, ok. he was warned!

i love you..

A Day in the Life

May 3 – May 4, 2007

[around 1 pm]

and some bits from I don’t
know when

       You know how it is when life
just seems really good? Well, it just feels really good to be here. Life has
been nice to me and I, in return try my very best to be good to it as well. I
hope I don’t have PostMS. Lol.

        Yesterday
was great. I mean, tennis is really overwhelming. James, Jet and Caesar watched
me play yesterday. They watched both my games, the ones against Audrey [2-8]
and the one against Janna [5-8]. Teaser: SORRY I BEAT YOUR CRUSH, SIR! Haha.
Ok, I’ll stop now. And then we had lunch at Harbor City.
James was really nice to pay for lunch but of course, he was kinda forced to
cuz Jet was REALLY loud. Haha. Well, that’s jet for you. And that’s what you
get for having a credit card and letting your loud cousin know. Haha. Piskot.

        Then we
bought Casey a trophy. Cuz I’m a sweet sister like that. ;] haha. [she got
third place so, yeah. I just felt like getting her a trophy just because she
really deserves it.]

        Then
something really random happened:

       I
brought Caesar and James to my grandparents place! I know it doesn’t sound like
much but it WAS random and yeah. Haha. It was fun then we watched Spiderman 3
with the girls.

        The
movie was ok. It was really long and I thought emo peter parker was a load of
bull. Haha. Tobey Mcguire should consider turning gay. He’d be really good at
it. 😛 but yeah, the longest the better, right? :>

        Last
night was crazy too. Cuz James had to beg his sister if he could use the car
and he kinda mentioned that he needed to drop his girlfriend home. It never
occurred to me that I could possibly run into her when getting the car and just
like that, she found out. And we’re family friends so yeah, I could get caught
but James said he’d tell her to hush hush.

        I left
all my stuff at my grand rents place so we went back and yeah, guess who was
there? The mother was there! Hmm. Good thing she told me to go home, no
questions asked and she didn’t see ANYTHING. Jesus, I love the way you work in
my life. :>

        I spent
the whole day with him. I just can’t explain it.

        If you
think I had a good yesterday wait til you hear find out what happened today.
J

        So, I
got into the final round at tennis. I played against Athena Espina, this really
good player from Southcrest. I seriously thought I’d loose cuz yeah, she’s
HELLA GOOD. But yeah, guess who won? 😀 yeah, I can’t believe it either. I
can’t believe I’m the champion for this summer. I mean, wow. Something I
thought I’d never achieve. But yeah, I did. And god, thank you soo much!

 LAW OF ATTRACTION

        And I
puked after that. It was pretty. Tasted like Alvin’s Mister chips that I ate before
playing. Lol. But I won and wow.
J

 6-8

tie break

        I don’t
know if I’m seeing him today though. I guess not but I wish I did. I really
wish I would.

 It’s like I
need you more

And more

Everyday. ❤

 Xoxoxo

ISSA

May 1 blog

Pslams 40:1-3

 I patiently waited Lord, for you to
hear my prayer. You listened and pulled me from a lonely pit full of mud and
mire. You let me stand on a rock with my feet firm, and you gave me a new song,
a song of praise to you

             i don’t know if it’s safe to
post all these information down here but I’m going to anyways. Haha.

 
      
I almost got caught today.
Well, I don’t know. Maybe I really wasn’t meant to get caught. I’m thinking now
and I kinda consider it to be a “sign”. Like maybe I should be more careful. I
mean, I’ve been praying so hard that I wouldn’t get caught with whatever it is
I’m doing so I guess it’s my responsibility to also try my best NOT to get
caught. Lol. By this I mean, when I sneak out, it is my responsibility to
inform everyone who could possibly squeal on me. Hekhek. <–
I REALLY don’t know.

       Right now
I am in a very surreal moment and I’m very scared that I could wake up one day.
I’m scared that this could turn into a very bad nightmare and that I could get
hurt all over again. But I’m only scared when I’m not with him. And I try my
best to be with him every chance I get. Even if that means lying and giving my
parents fake schedules.

       Yeah,
sometimes it does feel like it’s been fast. Hell, it’s been one scary ride for
me but I couldn’t picture it any other way. I mean, first it’s not weird; it
just feels right. And second, I don’t have to be that demure, all bottled up
person I thought I’d be required to be in order to have a real boyfriend. James
just accepts me for who I am. Weird and everything else. And I know he won’t
try to change me. I’ve never had to wear a mask in front of him and the way my
insides twist whenever I’m with him… God, you answered all my prayers.
J

       And the
thing I love most about all of this is that, it’s not just a 2 person
relationship. Of course, we’ve decided to make God the center of everything.
Now I know why it hasn’t worked out with anyone else. <33 [I don’t care
about whoever’s laughing. I love this and I’m NOT going to let it go]

 
I don’t need anyone else
right now.

 
so drive your car, babe

you know I’d go anywhere in the

world with you…<333

xoxoxoxox

May 1 blog

Pslams 40:1-3

 I patiently waited Lord, for you to
hear my prayer. You listened and pulled me from a lonely pit full of mud and
mire. You let me stand on a rock with my feet firm, and you gave me a new song,
a song of praise to you

             i don’t know if it’s safe to
post all these information down here but I’m going to anyways. Haha.

 
      
I almost got caught today.
Well, I don’t know. Maybe I really wasn’t meant to get caught. I’m thinking now
and I kinda consider it to be a “sign”. Like maybe I should be more careful. I
mean, I’ve been praying so hard that I wouldn’t get caught with whatever it is
I’m doing so I guess it’s my responsibility to also try my best NOT to get
caught. Lol. By this I mean, when I sneak out, it is my responsibility to
inform everyone who could possibly squeal on me. Hekhek. <–
I REALLY don’t know.

       Right now
I am in a very surreal moment and I’m very scared that I could wake up one day.
I’m scared that this could turn into a very bad nightmare and that I could get
hurt all over again. But I’m only scared when I’m not with him. And I try my
best to be with him every chance I get. Even if that means lying and giving my
parents fake schedules.

       Yeah,
sometimes it does feel like it’s been fast. Hell, it’s been one scary ride for
me but I couldn’t picture it any other way. I mean, first it’s not weird; it
just feels right. And second, I don’t have to be that demure, all bottled up
person I thought I’d be required to be in order to have a real boyfriend. James
just accepts me for who I am. Weird and everything else. And I know he won’t
try to change me. I’ve never had to wear a mask in front of him and the way my
insides twist whenever I’m with him… God, you answered all my prayers.
J

       And the
thing I love most about all of this is that, it’s not just a 2 person
relationship. Of course, we’ve decided to make God the center of everything.
Now I know why it hasn’t worked out with anyone else. <33 [I don’t care
about whoever’s laughing. I love this and I’m NOT going to let it go]

 
I don’t need anyone else
right now.

 
so drive your car, babe

you know I’d go anywhere in the

world with you…<333

xoxoxoxox

Back from CHURCH CAMP

               OMGOSH, this feels good. J

             I totally
missed blogging for a week but I don’t know; now I’m just too lazy to write. I
kinda wanna let the whole thing to just slip and like not write it down but I
feel the need to. I think remembering’ll be really fun. And besides, one day I
could look back at this. It’ll be something good to read.

             Well, the
whole experience was really something. Aside from the fact that I went to renew
my spiritual relationship with the big guy, the whole trip also revolved around
this one guy who made the whole 5 days more amazing than it already was. And
guess what? I get to keep him this time 😀

             p.s.
thank you, god! Cuz yeah, just in case you were wondering, that’s what I was praying for. 😉

             Ok, so
you guys ready? HAHAHA. Get set, GOOO! [ewk]

             MONDAY :

            [p.s. don’t even bother about the
dates cuz like, yeah. I have no idea]

            So
Monday… Monday was weird cuz like, I didn’t know if I was excited that I was
going or if I was scared that I’d have a really bad time. But I was still
rushing to get out of the house anyways. Like I said, mom’s voice literally
does sound like nails on a chalkboard sometimes. Most of the time.

            So yeah,
when I got there I was just a mess. Like, I guess you could say I was a major
bitch cuz like, I just threw my stuff on the floor [one big bag; my orange
school bag and two pillows] and grabbed a chair and just sat there with a big
DO NOT BOTHER sign on my forehead. Lol. I wasn’t exactly in a socializing mood.
So whatever. But it was really cool though cuz James showed up [honestly, I
wasn’t expecting him to actually show up even after the
6 am wake up call] and to my surprise,
Caesar showed up pa gyud. So it was cool. That moment I felt that I wasn’t
alone nor was I going to be alone.
J

             The trip
to carcar was long and hot.  We rode the
bus pa gyud and we were at the very back and the sun was shinning like, woah.
Haha. Me and James talked most of the way there but I’d usually space out to
sleep or to concentrate on a song with my ipod. And as usual, I didn’t even
bother sharing it with James until the end of the trip. Even if we were holding
hands during most of the trip going there. Hehe. Remember, only GOD will judge
me.

             The
people on the bus were scary though. They looked like squats. You know, just
the kind of people you don’t wanna leave your stuff hanging around with. Yeah,
them. But we were in for a very rude awakening. God works?

             So when
we got there we had to wait around til around
1:30 before eating lunch. It was kinda
weird though cuz I ate with the guys and you know, that’s jus something I’m not
used to doing. Hehe. Girls. Yeah, guilty ;D wait, I AM used to eating with
guys. So lemme rephrase that. I wasn’t used to eating with James and Caesar.

             Well,
after that we got assigned to our rooms. I bunked with Bambam, my theresian
lover. The other girls in my dorm were from other churches I didn’t really
bother asking for their names. I guess I’m just like that. I know some of them
though. Just don’t ask me to name them. I know them by face. HAHA.

             So yeah,
we had team building games. See, cuz we got placed in different teams [green,
red, yellow, blue] I got placed in green, I think. Me and Caesar were group
mates the same with rejoice, althea, JM,
Roy and I forgot whoelse.

             Well, the
first night was still kinda weird though cuz you know, it being the first day
and all plus no one really know anybody at that point so of course it was
weird. But the night was worse.

             Well, the
devotions weren’t weird. They were nice. James taught me how to sing and clap
my hands 😀 well, he didn’t exactly teach me. He kinda pushed me. But not in a
bad way, you know? The kind of push I needed. God knows I’m thankful
J

             I didn’t
sleep at all! It was just soo hot. Ijust kept on tossing and turning and
scratching! Yeah, I’ve been doing that a lot. My whole body is full of itch
marks. It’s gross.

 Tuesday:

 Tuesday was definitely better. I
mean aside from falling asleep in the clubhouse, it was cool. Pastor Roy helped
us go through the entire old testament. We had to do these narly actions.

 Creation

Fall

Flood

Nations

400 years

and that’s the only thing I
remember. I suck, I know.

            That
pretty much the only thing I remember. Except for those really good moments I
had where me and James would be sitting and listening to Pastor Roy and he’d
squeeze my hand or leg and I’d just feel warm all over. Those moments were to
die for. I’m writing it down, babe. No one reads this anyways so we’re safe 😉

            Oh and
yeah, Tuesday was the day this girl, Rechelle asked me if I was BOYISH. That
just sucked. Haha. I mean, I know I don’t act like a complete girl but to the
point of being boyish? That was just soo frustrating. Insecurity kick much?

            Wednesday:

            Eevrybody
was friends by Wednesday. The squats weren’t bad at all. Yeah, they did have
interesting lives but they were soo inspiring. I’m never going to forget them.
Like, [ok,  don’t rem. His name but I’ll
remember him as a person!] he was a vigilante or something basta, he killed A
LOT of people and he even died for 3 hours or something but dude, once he
talked about God, ambot. Makahilak jud ka. Haha. He was good. And he’s soo
lucky.

            Wednesday..
I really don’t remember what happened 😀

          Thursday:

          I think this is the day i woke up from the guys making harana. it was cute. well, i don’t really remember much. maybe that or the time is just making me forget. lol.

          oh wait, thursday was the day our parents dropped by. by our i mean, mine, james, gayles, ron ron’s and a lot of other peoples parents. i don’t know if they went to see our presentations or if they went just for the sake of you know, eavesdropping but anyways they did.

          but at least they left before the good parts. my god, i’m never going to forget that night because it was then i knew what i needed and the answers i needed to know. That night, i could say that god touched my life and i hope i’ve changed.

       no more details. i’m tired and this blog is old!

stop pushing me aside!

i just have to blog like hell before i go. i just have to. sigrid told me all these horrible stuff about church camp and i swear, i don’t know if it’s church camp or boot camp.

things sigrid said:
* no mobiles during jesus time – ok, i don’t have to follow ALL the rules, do i?
* a lot of crying – argh, matey. i bet i’ll crack first. what an absolute shame
* shower time basically turns into a rat race. you have shower on and shower off times. you have to wake up hellah early to shower first and i bet it’s not even hot water. DAMN IT!
* you have to wash your own plate and utensils after eating. and it’s packed food – holy mother.
* it’s hot
* but it’s fun daw. DAW. isang malaking DAW.

i’ve always had a thing against pastors wives but i was texting judy earlier and she was very nice to me. maybe it’s cuz she see’s i’m taking an effort in joining this church thingy. and i guess it’ll be ayt cuz lagz’ll be there. [but i told him i’m going there single. no pretend boyfriends this week. he is just not my type] but then there’s pastor bo’s wife. god, i hope she suffocates or something. and i say this with a light heart. i’m not really mad or annoyed at her, i just think it would be really cool to see her choke and maybe die even. haha. i’m evil.

i’m done packing now. *finally* it took the whole afternoon to pack and i’ve brought 3/4 of my cabinet with me. 5 days is a long time, you seriously can’t blame me. and yeah, i’m bringing two bags. and 2 pillows. one for me and one for lagz.

i know what i’ll be praying for there and you guys already know it.

i’m soo predictable.

my last meal for the week was absoltuley heavenly. i had yellow cab. it was like my dying wish, to eat there before i have to eat hahaha church camp food. i don’t mean to sound like a bitch but yeah, i’m not exactly familiar with what to call it. who knows, maybe when i get back, i’ll be a changed person. who knows. maybe… hahaha. maybe not.

i’m just really full of mixed emotions right now. like, i don’t know why i’m going so i’m not going to expect anything either. i just know that i’m going to be away for 5 days and i might as well expect the worse. i just hope the people there are bearable and that i meet good friends. no gaby’s , please.

everyone is leaving this week though. it’s like, let’s run away from cebu week or something. niña might go to hong kong this week but just for a few days and my better half is going to manila and tacloban and bagiou and EVERYWHERE for a whole month and i didn’t even get to say good bye to them. life is very random, indeed.

and i can prove this, really. i mean, i woke up this morning tearring up real bad cuz no one in my family even bothered to wake me up to go to church. yeah, i was really hurt. i mean, i woke up and saw my family racing to the car to go pray to god and they didn’t even bother to wake me up. it was really bad. i mean, i actually felt that they didn’t want me around cuz i don’t know.. i’m not an actual Perez. oh sigh. i’m over it.

out of total rage i raided their closets and ate like hell. i turned the computer, tv, aircon and fan on all at once and watched sixth sense and didn’t even bother greeting them when they got home. PAY BACK, BITCHES! [yeah, i’ve realized i’m not exactly the best step/ daughter in the whole world but that’s just how i am. i demand for my own place]

and then when i DO start talking to momy she brings up the church camp. she says i should go cuz i’ve been turning them down for years and cuz i don’t exactly go to church and that i need guidance [which btw, is THEIR job] and that i should go. and by should that meant, it’s either i jus shut up and go or i’m going to make you feel like shit if you don’t. and idk, my mom’s voice just started to get REALLY annoying so after asking everyone on my ym list and sun distribution list if could go, i decided that i WOULD go. aircon or no aircon. despite i’d miss tennis for a whole week. and even if that means i’d be missing the mall.

hey, it could do me some good. i’m taking a risk. if i can’t take a risk at “love” then i’ll take it for more imp. things. my fate.

awh. bet you think i was gonna get all senti, din’t you? hell no.

i’m gonna miss blogging and i’m gonna die if there’s no signal.

atay oie. 5 days feels like FOREVER.

i have to finish princess diaries II now. i’ll see you in a week.

[p.s. i was just kidding about pastor bo’s wife dying. but i still pray she’d choke]
[p.s.s. please dear god, please PLEASE PLEASE let me hear from him while i’m away. let him sweep me away and say something like, hey i miss you or better, let him phone me. his voice is awhhh.. to die for </3]

PUBLIC ANNOUNCEMENT

PUBLIC ANNOUNCEMENT:

I, Jean Louise I. Chua,
I will be out of town for 5 days at CHURCH CAMP somewhere in the
province of CARCAR. Where ever the hell that might be.
Whose idea was this?
i cannot say.

What’s the purpose?
Well, what do YOU think,  juvenille delinquent?

i’m very bad at living

if god was grading the way i lived, i bet i’d very easily FAIL simply because, OMG, I suck at life and i doubt i’m ever going to get better at it. I need an instruction manual. i need insructions on a box.

and i also think i’ve failed every girl code in the world. i feel like a 13 year old. ignorant. very ignorant. why now, G? why NOW!?

i must remember that every time i run into someone i like, i should NEVER EVER stop in my tracks and turn away running or in my case, speed walking. especially if that person was starring at me with my jaw hanging on the floor. and then stalk him endlessly and waste P120.00 just to be in the same dark room with him and not even have him know it. i am such a loser with a 13 year olds problem. i feel soo bad. it’s like, i forgot what i was supposed to do. cuz honestly, when i saw him, i didn’t want to pretend that i didn’t see him, i didn’t want to walk by with my head up laughing pretending not to see him but making sure that HE saw me. i just froze for a second and ran away in the opposite direction. i didn’t want him to see me but i really wanted to be with him.

i can’t stop replaying it in my mind right now. i feel soo dumb. the dumbest.

and again, i was singled out.

did i feel bad? yes, very. but i don’t know. i’ll have to deal.

i predict bad karma for 7 years even if i didn’t break a mirror.

btw, i’m planning to consult feng shui, maybe everyhing in my room is not in it’s proper place maybe i’m putting impurites in the north; relationship part of my room. [yeah, i’m reading dates, mates and cosmic kisses]

I’M DYING