at duane’s right now. have a few ideas about what i really wanna blog about when i finally have the time. and fortunately, i have a long weekend so, i might be able to do just that.
just got out of the hospital because papa just decided to join the awesome dengue club boohoo
ok they’re going “up”. i want to join.
at duane’s right now. have a few ideas about what i really wanna blog about when i finally have the time. and fortunately, i have a long weekend so, i might be able to do just that.
just got out of the hospital because papa just decided to join the awesome dengue club boohoo
ok they’re going “up”. i want to join.
earlier today, i was on Mary Roses’ laptop and me and alex were going through some of my old entries here. After a bit of laughing from the gay way i used to talk before, we decided to, for some reason, read the entries i made when me and james broke up.
Back then i used to talk about the future [that is now] a lot. It made me remember about how scared i was if one of us realized that we didn’t really need each other in our lives anymore only to realize that that person turned out to be me. I think it’s funny how blinded i was that i wanted to be with him and how i was “willing to give up my arm and/or leg up for him” when now i don’t even understand what made me stay with the guy for soo long.
And yes, i just remembered. we did have plans to eventually get back together but honestly, that chapter of my life has ended already and as much as i love him and as much as i think that i cannot, at this moment, love anyone else the way i loved him oh so dearly, i also cannot ever put myself in a position where it came to a point where i couldn’t even recognize myself anymore.
god knows i miss him terribly. there is not a single day that passes where the thought of him doesn’t pass my mind. he is still very much alive in my heart and mind. but i’m happy right now. And if memories are the only things i have then it’s ok. I am filled with good ones and bad ones. To measure isn’t an option anymore.
i guess if i sum up our whole relationship, 1 year and 9 months, i’d say, i left a better person. but i know that the way i act on most occassions do not justify my “better person” claim but i know better now than to let someone trample on me and make me their puppet. Which is the last thing i ever want to be again. This time, i make up my own rules and i play by my games, if there are any games, to say the least…
i was always scared that if i was going to be without someone after james, i wouldn’t be able to love him the way i loved james. Mainly because i don’t want to anymore. Cuz i’m scared. because i know what it’s like, mostly. and i cannot say that with “him”, i am breaking the rules, because i am not.
oddly, I’m just scared to lose him.
they say if you have a good thing, don’t let it go because you might not get it back.
I want to say it is applicable but right now, i’m not just sure if he’s something generally good. i have to protect myself- first and foremost.
I seriously think i’m ruined. but i’m getting better.
i used to wonder about days when we woke up and went through our regular routines and just stopped during the middle of all of that and realize that we finally “ok”- the world is such a magical place after that. but i don’t think we’ll always ok. i don’t think that anymore. we’ll never ever be fully ok. and that’s just the turth.
so if you are who you are right now, i don’t blame you. So please, don’t try to change me. you know for a fact that i’m not going to change for you…
i have PMS. :[ so lately everything’s been a bitch. i feel like my life is functioning properly anymore, too. haha.
today i only smoked 3 cigarettes. i know that that’s already alot considering the fact that i used to only smoke like 4 cigarettes in a month. sometimes i would go for months without hold a since one but i still consider it an achievement nevertheless.
i got caught drinking last week and i finally got my nameplate. I had to get sermonized before i got it back though and i also have to submit myself to little old College of nursing lady on wednesday with a longer skirt apparently because the one i have now is waay too short. If i fail to comply, i won’t be able to take my finals. FUCKIT. i liked my short short skirt š
things with me and him [whom i have NEVER mentioned here until today] are doing really good. he drops by the house when he can and he’s more like a best friend more than anything. not the best friend though, i just said like. haha. i mean, we do kiss and stuff but for some reason,i stay away from it a bit cuz sometimes it’s just kinda weird, you know? like for the longest time we were JUST friends and now we’re not. i mean, not much has changed, i’ll tell you that, but you still have to adjust to little things that have.
my social life is basically revolved around condequent debuts and soccer practices. i hang out mostly with my soccermates because they smoke outside school where i smoke and yeah, i like hanging out with them. you’d think i wouldn’t considering the fact that they’re younger but no, i think they’re fun to hang out with so most of the time, i don’t mind if i’m not with nina anymore.
i bought a beanie and those nerdy glasses and this made me happy.
i’m craving for ruffles with sour cream and cheese. but mostly i just wish i was out. this is so boring.
the thing is, i like you- i like you alot. I like you so much that i honestly think that one day, i could actually love you. I like you in a way that when you’re not around, you’re the only thing i am able to think about. I worry about you and if you’re ok and if there’s anything that i can do to make things better for you. i actually think before a say anything or do anything now because i’m scared of the chances of losing you. and i don’t want to lose you.
but when i think about it real hard, you are still just a boy. you lie and you cheat and you make up excuses when there is no need for them. you create your own problems and i can very easily see that you are capable of doing a lot of things that will most likely be the end of me. and with that, i know for certain not to fall too deep for you.
But you know, if you had to leave. if you actually left, i don’t think i would be THAT hurt. I don’t think it would be so hard. Sure, i’d be sad but you know, it’s just come to a point with me where, if you’re going to leave then so be it. I won’t cry and i won’t go chasing after you.
I think things get easier after the first time.
I realized how vulnerable i am and how easy i am to fall for the little things. as if i haven’t learned anything before. haha. but you know, i’ll take everything as it is nalang. don’t really care anyways.
well, i don’t anymore! :))
Of a face full of words you’d think you’d get a few right. With a fist full of change and absolutely no sense. What little I have learned about love is at my pride’s expense.
I just never thought i would let you get to me the way you do. And i thought i had you but it suddenly feels like i don’t. And i just wanna know WHY I LET YOU DO THIS TO ME.
I wish i used my head but i wished you used yours more. Because i know i fall pretty fast. I’ll fall for your i love you’s and i’ll think you mean it. but at the end of the night, it’s still not me. AND FUCK, IT NEVER WILL BE!
You should’ve held your tongue when you stopped me from leaving to tell me you loved me. because i swear to god in that exact moment i felt like i owned the world. I felt like i could do anything. and i really thought you meant it.
Stupid me. i let another YOU get the best of me.
I guess this is proof that i never learn.
Hoping has only got me so far. I need you to be to the real thing.
I starve,
I starve for you.
i keep forgetting that he’s not james. and that not all relationships don’t work the way it did with him. i keep forgetting that i don’t have to do this or i can still do that. And sometimes, he does things that remind me of james and it shakes me up.
i forgot my whole world doesn’t have to change because i’m with him now. it only gets better.
i can’t believe i almost ended it today. then i would’ve lost a really good thing. š
i don’t want you to change me. so don’t. ever.
you can never just have a good day. I fully believe this. so believe me, i’ve had a mix of both.
But you know, honestly? I’ve never been this happy in a while. despite everything, it’s really great to just be able to see him, even for just a while, and talk and be silly and not just want to snog.
i like the fact that me and him are such good friends. Friends mostly. I like that he goes out of his way just to see me and i like the fact that he likes me more than i like him. or that’s just how it seems right now.
I like the fact that he doesn’t try to change me and that he knows who i am and all the shit i get myself into and doesn’t try to make it “our” problem. he just listens and tries to help me.
and i love the fact that we laugh A LOT! and that i know he thinks about me and that he feels bad when we can’t talk. i like all these things. i like them a lot.
i guess i got lucky. and i know that i don’t wanna lose what i have right now. So whatever shit i got into, you know, we’re all over it. He is so we’re both good. that’s all i really need right now.
p.s. i’m bruised and aching ALL OVER! damn you, soccer!
i told you not to try to change me because this is who i’ve always been. I told you that i would change who i was when i wanted to. and i will, but i just want you to know, i’m not going to do this for you.
you tell me that we’ll make it through this but we can’t. not while you’re still kissing her and i have to find some stupid escape like them.
i never wanted this and you know that. you know that i want everything or i might as well not have anything at all but i just stay a little bit longer basically because at the end of the day, nobody gets me like you do.
nobody appreciates my dumb jokes or my you-know-what-facts like you do. but at the end of the day, you’re still not mine. and it won’t be that way for a very long time.
ah kapoya ani oie. matug nalang ko.
i am officially the happiest girl in the whole world. Cebu is a better place because my dad is FINALLY gone and now i don’t have to even entertain the mere thought of him. it really does feel like a holiday!
gtg
Issa Talks... Alot 