over

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so i finally got around to ending it with Richard last night. it was fun while it lasted but maybe it just wasn’t supposed to last.
honestly, i am sad about the fact that it’s over but there was just something in the fact that i’m not bounded in a relationship where i don’t even know where my place is that made me sleep just a little bit better last night.

they always say that you shouldn’t cry over a guy and all that shit but i’ve never really absorbed that. because no matter what i do, the fact that he’s not going to be there like the way he used to just hurts, you know? and i’m not just speaking for richard but i’m talking about every relationship i’ve been in that actually meant something to me in general.

i still do think that there could be a chance for me and him. even if he walked away from me last night without even hugging me like i asked. but i know that he has so many things to learn and so many things he wants to do that he can’t do with me around. sometimes you just have to lose something to appreciate what you had right in front you.

i always knew we were going to end. because i told myself i would be with someone who loves me more than i love him and it wasn’t that way with us. he loved his dota more than anything in the world. lol. i’m not being selfish or maybe i am but honestly, i’m tired out giving more than i always get and that’s why i want someone like that now.

i mean, i do know that i love him and that i want to be with him if god allows it but maybe it’s just not supposed to happen right now…

i wish we could rewind 2 months ago where i was everything to him and he would choose me over anything in the world. and i mentioned in my previous blog that i pushed him away. i don’t regret what i did because if i locked him up then he would push himself away from me eventually and that’s not how i want things to be. i always have to leave first, remember?

soo anywaysss… i’m back to where i started. small and alone. it’ll be a really sad birthday from here.

mistakes mistakes

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when we got together, i told myself that this time it would be different. i told myself that i didn’t want to put you in the same situation you’ve found yourself in with each and every person you’ve been with before you met me. You were so fond of telling me where you were and what you were doing and sometimes you’d drag me in on that and ask me to wait for you because somehow, it made you feel a little bit more special than i already make you feel.

but when you’d ask me for permission, i would tell you not to. i would tell you that you could go on and do whatever you want as long as you give me a heads up and i wouldn’t ask any questions, i wouldn’t approve or disapprove because it’s your life and i don’t wanna be that person who tells you what you can and can’t do. i did that because i wanted you to have your freedom. i wanted you to enjoy because being with someone doesn’t mean you can’t do what you used to do. but mostly, and honestly, i did that because i didn’t want you to do the same thing with me…

but now, things have changed

why i will NOT stroke your ego…

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i know that’s what you want me to do. and i know that if i want you to like me more than you do [if you do] then it would be smart of me to just do it.

but then again, maybe i don’t need you to like or love me the way i thought i did before. maybe, if you didn’t have those feelings for me, i would still turn out all right. Maybe i don’t need you as much as i thought i did when we started out.

i know you expect me to be this and that and i’m sorry to disappoint you but who do you think you are in the first place to even put yourself in such a high position to expect such things from me? we’re all human and i hope you’ve learned by now that it’s better when you don’t expect anything because it’s just sweeter that way.

ambot na bitaw. you just disappoint me so much. you want so many things you can’t have. and the things you can, you want all at the same time.

i will NOT stroke your ego even if i’m risking you. it just doesn’t matter to me anymore. be with who ever you want. i was always right, people always leave

Some things are meant to be broken but i won’t settle for being one of them

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A DAY IN THE LIFE OF A SAD LITTLE FUCK.
WHO NOW HATES HER MOMS GUTS.

You know how people say you can never really have a completely good day? Or how you can never be completely happy? I always considered this thought because i don’t think there will ever be an instance in your life where you will find yourself completely happy. Nobody really means it when they say that “they could never really ask for more.” or that “EVERYTHING is perfect” because reality is, it never really will be. Those are just plain hard facts. I’m sorry but it’s true. It’ll always be, “i’m happy despite the fact that…” this and that. I would sell my soul is someone out there is actually happy with their life. No despites, no buts. We’re only human after all, and it is in our nature as human beings to always want a little more than we will ever have.

You know i always thought that i had found my place. I thought that you were happy to have me and that i made us a “family”. 19 years i’ve been with you. And even if we’ve had our ups and downs, our fights and dramas, i never had a doubt in my mind that i was yours and you would fight to keep me. but i guess that wasn’t the complete truth. I thought that when i came into your family, you had my best interest in mind. you mentioned once that you didn’t marry Jim because he didn’t treat me the way she wanted to. Maybe that’s just something you said to boost me up or to make me think you were the best mother in the whole world. And poor me, i took those lies and believed it.

When you married Lander, i thought we would be a family. i thought that THIS was our family. Papa, you danced with me on my birthday, cried and said that you couldn’t imagine your life without me. You said that i made our family what it is and you even said that you loved me as if i was your own. Sometimes i am too gullible for my own good. I seriously believe that.

I guess i just wanted acceptance, to belong and love. I’m not trying to imply the fact that you don’t love me, mom and pa. I just think that you are liars. you lied to me, you made me believe that i was one of you when in fact, thinking about it now, i am only a product of your pity.

You can’t leave me. If you left me, where would i go? where would i be right now? I bet you couldn’t live with your conscience of feeling incompetent because if you’re anything like me, i wouldn’t leave me either. but only for those reasons.

I don’t ask anything from you. I use what you give me and try to make the best out of it. If i need something, i don’t run to you because i’ve realized that you are just not those people for me. If i want something, i need to go out and get it on my own. because that’s how you’ve raised me. But you two, you provide your own kind with more than what they need. you get them everything. at you know, sometimes, it’s just not fair!

I’m sorry if i’m not your kid. I’m sorry if they mean more to you. I’m so sorry if i didn’t die or that you didn’t have me aborted when you had the chance to. You should’ve, seriously. i would’ve appreciated the kind gesture.

I guess i just realized how hard it is to be a part of your family. Trying to live up to your expectations and be afraid to disappoint you. because those are one of the things i dread of doing- disappointing you. you think i have to be better than everyone else because you provide me when providance isn’t what i deserve because what? i’m not yours and his.

i didn’t ask for this. so why do you keep making it seem as if it’s my fault? WHY MOM?

Holy Moley

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So I have this mole right in the middle of my neck. I’ve never seen anything wrong with it, in fact, I never really cared about it. But recently, a lot of my college classmates have been making my mole their object of, let’s call it, “affection”. lol?

Sometimes they’d give comments about it being a “target” or they’d tell me about how I have dirt on my neck and laugh at me when I wiped it only to find out they were referring to my mole.

Now, I’m an easy going kind of girl and i see the humor in all of this and despite all the rampant teasing, removing my mole would never be an option for me.

However, I do know this one girl who we call “Moley” now who used to have a mole right above her lip and everyone teased her about it. She got teased about it soo much that she actually went under the knife to have it removed.

Now, I did my research and moles are basically growths on the skin. They happen when cells in the skin, called melanocytes, grow in a cluster with tissue surrounding them. Moles are very common. Most people have between 10 and 40 moles. A person may develop new moles from time to time, usually until about age 40. http://www.nlm.nih.gov/medlineplus/moles.html

What do you think about moles? Would you have a mole removed for purely cosmetic purposes [is there any OTHER reason]? And if you have, why?

Redefining Relationshits

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 Lately I’ve been thinking about relationships a lot and what it is to be in one, what it takes to be in one and what we have to do to be and not only that but to actually stay in one. Along with these thoughts are a lot of contemplating over why relationships end and why most of mine have as well.

I could very possibly be on the verge of entering a new relationship but a lot of things are holding me back. I like him, a lot. Yes, i do. I do actually love him in this moment and he says that he loves me too but i can’t help but wonder if love will ever be enough. This is stupid, I take it back because even i know that LOVE WILL NEVER JUST BE ENOUGH.

now let me get things straight. when i say love, i mean it in minimal amounts. I love him as a friend, i can love him as a boyfriend but not love in a sense that i would jump over a building for him or sneak out just for him. I do not put bars to who i love because love is easily given. I just think that love either grows or withers and it’s completely up to you and that person you love to redefine that.

And i was just thinking recently how I’ve been telling myself for a long time that it’s important that you end up with someone who wants the same things as you do in a relationship or more importantly,sees relationships in the same way that you do. And it occured to me, i haven’t exactly been able to define a relationship myself. i’ve just been floating around here pretending i know everything. yes, modesty is a special thing.

I was so bored today and i asked a lot of my friends how they know they’re in love with someone and honestly, i realized that most of these people don’t really understand the deeper context of love. Most of them think it’s mostly about thinking about that person 24/7 and not wanting to be anywhere but in that persons arms. I think that’s more like an attachment than love if you asked me.

If you asked me what MY definition of love is, it wouldn’t have to be more of the more selfless aspect. I would say that I know that I am in love with someone when they have this unusual pull over me where I have this feeling of wanting to take care him or where I want everything to be better or ok for him. Like with James, it wasn’t more of what he could do for me but what i could do for me because i just wanted to make him happy even if i had to gamble my own happiness.

I think my perspective of love is like this based on what I see in my parents. I don’t hear my mom tell my papa that if he loves her he’ll do this or that but instead, it’s more of what she can do for him.

How i end up feeling these feelings however, is a whole other question which requires answers that i am in no position to answer. I fall for the assholes. 😦

The more time i spend with this guy, the more i come to believe that we are on two different sides of the world when it comes to relationships. I don’t think he knows what is it to be in a real relationship [not saying that I’ve been in one or that I know either] and I think that he needs to figure out what it is to him.

I’m not in any hurry though. If he makes up his mind then ok. If it never comes though then at least i have prepared myself for the worst.

There’s just some form of benefit when all you ever know is leaving and being left.

Lessons I’ve Learned From Taxi Drivers Part I – Omar

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As soon as i stepped into the cab, i couldn’t help but notice his whole “bad boy” era. His whole body was covered in tattoos, he had a bad ass earring and a smug look on his face.

During the first few minutes of my ride, I couldn’t help but try to figure him out and wonder if every bad boy has a soft interior. With this, i decided to put my theory to the test.

Noticing that one of his tattoos was a name, I boldly dared to ask if it was his name.
After a few minutes of silence and a bit starring at his tat, he replied and told me that it was indeed his name.

Being a very curious person, i decided to move on to his other tattoos and ask him about those. Every question i asked obviously bothered and irritated him. But i figured that, as long as he continues to answer my questions without cutting me off then, i’m good.

Turns out most of his tatts were names of past flings. So i darked to ask him a question that shook up the conversation and had me heading in the direction i had planned. I asked, “How do you know that you love somebody?”

Then there was a long silence.

Honestly, I felt stupid for even bothering to ask but i have questions that I need answers for and let’s be honest, when you’re desperate for answers- you’re desperate for answers.

Finally he answered but he answered me with a question. “How old are you?” I told him how old i was and anticipated for what he would have to say next. He was probably debating whether to put up with me or kick me out of his car. I’m glad he didn’t.

I could see him looking at me from the rearview mirror. I noticed him do that a lot before he answered me. I think he saw the desperation in my eyes because he finally decided to be honest..

“You know what? Honestly, the only thing us guys are after is sex.”

“Yeah, I know that.”

“Me, I’ve done a lot of girls. It’s pretty easy actually. All you have to do is pretend to listen and actually care about their problems, take them out for dinner, get them drunk and it’s a done deal.”

“I’m not surprised.”

Sensing the tone of insult in my voice, he quickly changed the mood of the conversation and said, “I know I may come off as a bad person because i’m tattooed and pierced all over and also because I’m rudely honest but there’s a lot you don’t know about me.”

“Like what?”

“Like that the fact that the only thing that can make me cry is a woman. or the loss of one.”

“Really?”

“What I told you earlier about guys only wanting sex? Well, it’s not just boys. Some girls only want the same thing too.”

“Really? I don’t believe you.”

“You don’t? You know, I once dated this girl. The first time I met her, she asked me if she could be in charge. By in charge I mean in charge of everything. She would choose where we’d eat, where we’d go and what we’d do. And she’d pay for everything, too! And I’m just a freaking taxi driver what kind of money do i have to spend on her the way she was planning to spend on me? So of course, I said yes.”

“So what happened?”

“Exactly what she said would happen. She took me out for dinner, we had a few drinks, we talked, laughed and then she told me that we’d check in somewhere…”

I didn’t believe it. I thought he was dating some kind of hooker who couldn’t get laid anymore. But he swore it was true and I let him go on with his story.

He told me how he had been brought into the room where his date had ever so kindly stripped for him. She not only stripped for him but even placed his hands in very questionnable places. But she eventually stopped when she noticed how he wasn’t participating.

“What’s wrong? Am i not good enough for you? Isn’t this what you wanted?”

“No,it’s not that.”

“Then what is it?”

“Ï don’t know. I just… I just… can’t”

And with that, the girl smiled and said, [btw, ga hubo gihapon siya ani, fyi. HAHA] “You’re not what people said you were at all.”

Omar [which i forgot to mention is the name of the driver] then explained to me that in that moment he knew he was in love with her because in some way he didn’t see the need to be intense with her at that moment. And that he didn’t mind if he didn’t have sex with her because her presence was enough for him.

So she put her clothes back on and they left. Now, Omar is happily married to her.

I don’t know what this means to most of you people but it means a lot to me. It would just be really nice to know that even if we don’t/ can’t/ won’t respect ourselves, there is someone out there who actually will.

Girls, find someone who doesn’t need you to have sex with them to prove that you love them. No, find someone who doesn’t ask for sex AT ALL.

I hope you liked this. This is a REAL story