Sometimes I’ll force a smile and think to myself, “this is the most you or anybody else is getting out of me today” and that’s usually it.

I’m honestly tired of all this unhappiness. Happy times, I need you more than you know.

Oh it’s times like this when I’m home on a Friday night smoking my cigarettes with the company of my soul that I miss you.

I miss you like a stone that has tumbled to and fro against the currents and has become stripped, simplified and nothing without you.

I miss knowing that you would always be around for me when I needed you and I miss the company that we shared even if it meant fighting and shouting at the top of my lungs.

I miss how it felt when you would hug me and tell me that I was beautiful- if I wasn’t to the world, at least I knew is was yours.

God how I miss you.

And I don’t know what to do because getting back isn’t an option anymore, it can never be. Not after everything that happened. But how I wish it didn’t get to this. How I wish I wasn’t lonely. How I wish I still had you even if it meant being mad at you.

How I wish things were different.

How I wish and wish but never do anything about it.

How stupid of me.

This is just to clear up everything that you may or may not know and are about to find out.

Me and Paolo have been together for 1 year and 5 months and it was a very special time in our lives but it’s over now.

It’s over.

And honestly, I think I’m ok with that.

somehow in every situation I get myself involved in, i am always a baby.

Maybe it’s supposed to be a compliment but sometimes it scares me.

Does my credibility become compromised when I become dubbed as a baby?

I can’t go out and wear extremely sexy clothes because I’ll look like a baby prostitute and when I dress my age- I look sloppy.

Maybe I’ll walk around naked or send out a scandal so people will remember how old i am.

I keep getting these fucking epiphany’s everytime I play stupid tetris battle.

I think I am ocd or a hypochondriac because i keep thinking that something’s wrong with me. Let’s say for instance when i’m playing tetris battle and i hate myself everytime I lose because i don’t understand why I suck so bad and why I can’t stop. I won’t stop until I start wining. And that’s when I start to think that I push myself to hard. But that doesn’t stop me either.

It’s like when I start to think about my other blog and how frustrated I am that I am never contented and how I’m not where I wanna be yet. And then I spend restless hours trying to think of someway to fix it and make it better. And then I work and work like a horse.

I never know when to stop.

I don’t know why I’m so angry all the time….

Which leads me to this question, why hasn’t paolo left me yet?

I think about it constantly. I wouldn’t want to be with me. Why would he?

i cut my hair today!

And i will officially start combing my hair everyday starting tomorrow.

And I also got a book!

And I went to Cebu Blog Camp 2011. And someone called my pretty.

That made me happy.

And my mom did something for herself- that also made me happy.

And I havent been this tired in a while…

Wow. Someone get me The Perks book. I lost mine… 😦

i cut my hair today!

And i will officially start combing my hair everyday starting tomorrow.

And I also got a book!

And I went to Cebu Blog Camp 2011. And someone called my pretty.

That made me happy.

And my mom did something for herself- that also made me happy.

And I havent been this tired in a while…

Wow. Someone get me The Perks book. I lost mine… 😦

I have this uncontrollable to be the best at everything. And it’s nights like this days behind on my period, PMS-ing like it’s no one’s business that make me realize that I’m not the best and for a fact, I never will be which ultimately makes me want more and get all anxious.

Sometimes it’s not even about being the best but rather about me not being where I want to be and not knowing what to do about it. I swear, I want too much sometimes. Not in the material realm though but in life.

I’m always feeling lost lately and frustrated and angry and I don’t know why.

I wish I would stop pushing people away and I wish I wasn’t such a bitch to actually cry it out.

Why can’t I cry….

i always get confused when saying that line with Friends and Glee. I miss friends 😦

the kids are out and so is mother dearest so im all alone at home being lazy but then again productive at the same time.

Today was my second day of training and this time I ran without paolo. Yesterdays run took about 2 hours from my house to Mcdonald’s but today only took less than an hour. Along the way I kept chanting “1 2 3 4 – breathe” and kept trying to pace myself but I was off and ended up running faster than I usually do (with or without training) and messed up my stomach. You know when you feel like you’re appendix just burst? That’s what I meant.

Along the way I saw: a dead cat (it wasn’t roadkill boo) and a small kid smoking

I almost smelled: wet fish and wet pee

But it’s those things which are the sole purpose of why I run amongst traffic and not in a gym where I don’t get to exercise my eyes.

Once I start my bike training I guess I’ll have to go back though… *sigh* I’m scared they’ll kick me out like LAST time. 😦

Anyways, off to being lazy again. yey me!

Then at least i spend the best days of my life loving you

Then at least i never failed to tell you that i did,

I love you so much! 🙂

Why do they call it the moon walk?