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i cannot carry the weight of a heavy world

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i need a little assurance.
i need a hug.
i need candy.
i need to stop crying and feeling like i’ve been betrayed because i haven’t.
i need you to see me crying right now.
i need you to at least PRETEND that you care


If I fell in love with you
Would you promise to be true
And help me understand
’cause I’ve been in love before
And I found that love was more
Than just holding hands

If I give my heart to you
I must be sure
From the very start
That you would love me more than her

If I trust in you oh no please
Don’t run and hide
If I love you too oh please
Don’t hurt my pride like her
’cause I couldn’t stand the pain
And I would be sad if our new love was in vain

i need to find a way to at least feel a little better right now
i need someone right now – anyone.
i need to understand this right now.
i need something soo bad right now but you’re the only one who can figure out what that is. so give it to me.

ikrshgukygvuk5tshguwo4eijnoirijsfzdklgsvkhmnfdkjvn.ksdahfiurkafmns

i’ll leave that up to you …

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i’m just too green to be blue right now.

you have to remember that i’m not always there, i hardly am.
and it’s not in me to watch out for your every move,
listen to your every conversations or to keep track of every single breath you take.

and i’m never going to do that.
cuz that’s just not how it is.
and even as a first timer, i know that that’s not how it goes either.

this is a big bad world and yes, i’m affected.
it’s bad enough i hardly see you already.
and all i want to know is that you’re not going to hurt me.
sorry boy, but sometimes even the smallest and dumbest things hurt me
but that’s just who i am

you can’t expect me to take everything lightly.
you can’t expect me not to care about even the smallest things,
because i will.
god, you know i will.

and it’s not that i don’t trust you
but. argh.

you know well enough what you’re supposed to do.
you know that already.
i know you do.

and it stings right now.

i don’t miss feeling this way.
i don’t. not one bit of it.

the softer side you’ve been waiting to hear

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Never caught my breath
Every second I’m without you I’m a mess
-this line has been playing on my mind all day long since
i heard it on Josh’s iPod.

because honestly, i’m scared that all these “i’m sorry’s” would eventually lead to an “i’m getting tired of this” or an “i can’t deal with your sorry’s anymore…” or something like that.

*sob fest. they just won’t stop coming.*

but it’s not like i come with an instruction manual or something [i forgot. period]. it’s not like i meant to make you mad because i’d never mean to do something like that. and its not like you don’t have your set of flaws but that’s not the big issue.

i SCREWED UP and i don’t have a good reason why i did it or why i keep doing it but i swear i’ll work on it.

but i’m like this. i forget easily. i get caught up. and you’re supposed to understand me and love me just the same.

isn’t that how it’s supposed to be??

i’m lost now

back to the same old

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How does it feel to know you’re everything I need ?

The butterflies in my stomach

They could bring me to my knees

How does it feel to know you’re everything I want ?

I’ve got a hard time saying this

So I’ll sing it in a song



Oh I adore the way you carry yourself

With the grace of a thousand angels overhead

I love the way the galaxy starts to melt

When we become one

When we become one

When we become one

When we become one


How does it feel when we get locked into a stare?

Please don’t come looking for me

When I get lost in the mess of your hair

How do you feel when everything you’ve known

Gets thrown aside

Never fear, my dear, ’cause we have nothing left to hide


Hold on to me
If you feel your grip getting loose

Just know that I’m right next to you


Well, I’m ready

Well, I’m ready

I am ready

To run away with you

Are you ready?

Are you ready?

Are you ready?

To run away with me


Pack your things we can leave today

Say our goodbyes and get on the train

Say goodbye

Just you and I in the sweet unknown

We can just call each other our home



If I had to choose a way to die

It’d be with you

In a goosebump infested embrace

With my overanxious hands cupping your face

bold means i mean it.

and once again, here we are fighting and argh. this sucks.

i should be the one who’s sorry but argh. it’s such a little thing. come on. and he’s avoiding me now and this just sucks and it’s tiring and i hate fighting.

the only was this could get worse is if he’s talking to someone else right now. JUST BECAUSE I WENT ONLINE AND DIDN’T  TELL HIM. humana humana

pisti oie. atay gyud. i don’t need this right now. FUUUUUUUUUUUUCK. why is this suckh a big deal when i already said i was sorry!

i’m sorry.

PERIOD.


i swear if this isn’t fixed by the time i’m ready to sleep, i’d rather not wake up.
and i have to fix this.
i have to.

</3 😦


back to the same old

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How does it feel to know you’re everything I need ?

The butterflies in my stomach

They could bring me to my knees

How does it feel to know you’re everything I want ?

I’ve got a hard time saying this

So I’ll sing it in a song



Oh I adore the way you carry yourself

With the grace of a thousand angels overhead

I love the way the galaxy starts to melt

When we become one

When we become one

When we become one

When we become one


How does it feel when we get locked into a stare?

Please don’t come looking for me

When I get lost in the mess of your hair

How do you feel when everything you’ve known

Gets thrown aside

Never fear, my dear, ’cause we have nothing left to hide


Hold on to me
If you feel your grip getting loose

Just know that I’m right next to you


Well, I’m ready

Well, I’m ready

I am ready

To run away with you

Are you ready?

Are you ready?

Are you ready?

To run away with me


Pack your things we can leave today

Say our goodbyes and get on the train

Say goodbye

Just you and I in the sweet unknown

We can just call each other our home



If I had to choose a way to die

It’d be with you

In a goosebump infested embrace

With my overanxious hands cupping your face

bold means i mean it.

and once again, here we are fighting and argh. this sucks.

i should be the one who’s sorry but argh. it’s such a little thing. come on. and he’s avoiding me now and this just sucks and it’s tiring and i hate fighting.

the only was this could get worse is if he’s talking to someone else right now. JUST BECAUSE I WENT ONLINE AND DIDN’T  TELL HIM. humana humana

pisti oie. atay gyud. i don’t need this right now. FUUUUUUUUUUUUCK. why is this suckh a big deal when i already said i was sorry!

i’m sorry.

PERIOD.


i swear if this isn’t fixed by the time i’m ready to sleep, i’d rather not wake up.
and i have to fix this.
i have to.

</3 😦


there are just some things i wish i never knew …

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  i always needed time on my own
I never thought I’d need you there when I cry
And the days feel like years when I’m alone
And the bed where you lie
is made up on your side

When you walk away
I count the steps that you take
Do you see how much I need you right now?

When you’re gone
The pieces of my heart are missing you
When you’re gone
The face I came to know is missing too
When you’re gone
All the words I need to hear to always get me through the day
And make it OK
I miss you

I’ve never felt this way before
Everything that I do
Reminds me of you
And the clothes you left
they lie on my floor
And they smell just like you
i love the things that you do

We were made for each other
Out here forever
I know we were

All I ever wanted was for you to know
Everything I do I give my heart and soul
I can hardly breathe, I need to feel you here with me
Yeah

When you’re gone

i like that song. well, i like the parts that i highlighted anyways. lo. so yeah, that’s why i posted it.
so james can read it and wa lang. buot man tawn ka oie.

it’s a tuesday today and it’s been 2 days since i haven’t been able to eat lunch [no, i’m NOT trying to be anorexic] cuz i’ve been soo busy at school with our marriage booth arrangements for sunday plus i had to study for a stupid THE test and then i have chior practice right after lunch break so i’m basically packed and i don’t have time for lunch. but when i think about it, it’s kind of a good thing,. that was i get to save AND loose weight. [omg, it’s like my dream come true! harhar]

blast from the past

this years marriage booth is gonna kick last years marriage booths ASS!! lol.

so aside from what’s keeping me busy, i would just like to take a few lines of my glorious blog to brag about the fruits of my labor and the results of NOT STUDYING IN SUN VALLEY!!

english – 90/115 [pretty good, actually since i didn’t study much]
physics – 152/ 170 [ranked 3rd in class]
economics – 105/ 120 [4th. just 4th. i  was supposed to get first then i changed most of my answers so now i’m just 4th. just FUCKING 4th]
THE – 108 / 130 [and i would’ve gotten 112 but GOD, i CANNOT SPELL TO SAVE MY OWN LIFE]
accounting – 86/ 110 [i don’t know how much i ranked on this test but i know i didn’t do well on this one. i just did enough to pass. didn’t finish get to finish my test. sheeesh.]

so far that’s all i know. i’ll update on that.

so what prize do i want for this one? hmmm. i do not know. asking if me and james can be official is kinda too much to ask for for the first grading. i need a whole school year of good grades to get that. but if it wasn’t too much, i would. i really would.


 

^ but THIS is my favote 😀

yeah, i made a bunch of drawings for the mister but HE DIDN’T LIKE THEM
AND DEMANDED THAT I’D MAKE MORE.

hmp.

don’t stop dancing

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i wonder who squeled on me THIS time. argh. i know it was my mom’s anus friend, balot. argh argh argh.
but it was my fault anyways and i take the blame and THIS time, it’s finally implanted in my head. just
please don’t stop dancing with me. we’ve hardly even started. yeah, i talk in metaphores now. i know i’m fuuuckin awesome! lol.

i don’t mind if you don’t tell me that you love me when i say it first. i’d appreciate silence rather than
a lie but idk, something inside me is telling me that you want to stop or maybe that you could do better?
please don’t do this to me. don’t tell me that there’s something better out there for you because it’s not true. and i’m
willing to prove that.

so anyways, today was interesting. it’s like a was PMS victim or something. lol. today was a random day and i kinda enjoyed it but it’s finally the end of the day and GOD, i’m glad it’s over!!

i run with scissors.
it makes me feel dangerous.

i think today was the first time i skipped classes and omg, i feel so cool just thinking about it. haha! so yeah, i intentionally got left behind by the bus and since i got “left behind” i decided to drop by Chabel’s place and hang out, see the new baby hammies [btw, there are only 3 now. 1 died and 1 disappear. they proli ate both] and eat and yeah, just waste time. lol. after chab’s i went to ayala and met up with james and charles and watch him play battle gear, i think. that was fun. he’s actually good at it. i swear i’ll learn that game and i’ll kick his ass. LOL. kidding. that’s his thing. besides, the dance revo and time crisis is right beside battle gear so i’m fiine. but i still wanna learn it. lmao.

then me and james went to the jeepney terminal for an adventure. that was fun. we decided to ride a jeepney going to church for bible study. that was cool. i forgot how interesting jeepney people are. and for the record, pinays do NOT look good in trashy blonde hair and extremely FAKE blue contacts [or any color as long as it looks fake for that matter].

and then THIS, the cherry on top of my day.

“ring ring…” [mom calling]
“hello, ma?”
“issa. buricat gyud ka noh?! why do you have pictures of you kissing james on RINGO?! blah blah blah” talk about how i’m a slut and how i’m probably not a virgin anymore and how she’s going to take me in for tests.
“mom? erm.. uhm.. i didn’t know na people would see it cuz i tried to mke it as private as possible. i didn’t even accept anyone on that site!”
and then the rest of the conversation was basically about how i was in big trouble and how i was going to get beaten up when i got home and shit.

and then i lost my appetite. right after James bought me a chicken meal. argh. i hate moments like that.
plus i saw kc. that was just splendid. sex makes you look like more of a bitch man diay noh? lol.

BUT I SWEAR I’D PASS THAT TEST IF I TOOK IT. I SWEAR I WOULD!

and then when i got home, i was expecting to get beaten up the second i walked into the room but by GODS MIGHTY LOVE AND GRACE,i didn’t. we had a calm conversation but as usual, there were tears. you can’t go wrong with those things. [awh, i was guilty oie. i mean, they had many points]

i guess it really wasn’t a big deal.it was a fucking kiss on the cheek. it could be worse!

i hung out with james at church after. then ayala. got new flips and shades. yey. :]

don’t leave me, babe.

i’m love stoned.

i love the last one.
grab me a box of pads. HAHAHA. that would suck balls.

xoxoxo

the truth about boys, girls and the like

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omg, my face!!

i took some time off to answer a relationship survey [and i tried to be very honest, too!] and here it is.

1) Single, Taken, or Flirty?
– i’m finally TAKEN and does NOT flirt.

2) Are you happy with where you are?
– am i happy where i am now? like, do you mean literally? i’m in my room. so, i’m ok,i guess. HAHA

3) When you meet the right person, do you fall fast?
– yes, i guess i did.

4) Have you ever had your heart broken?
– yes, i have and that sucked ass.

5) Under any circumstance is cheating ok?
– hell no. never never NEVER

6) would you ever take someone back if they cheated on you?
– no. cause you only get one chance with me and you mess it up and that’s all you get.
edit: no, it would only be ayt if he had to do it or it’d be the end of the world.
aside from that, i don’t care i won’t take it!

7) Have you talked about marriage with another person?
– yes, i have.

8) Do you want children?
– yeah. and a big house and a hummer and animals and… so many other things. 🙂

9) How many?
– just 2.

10) Would you consider adoption?
– yes, i would. but it would never be the same to actually bearing your own child. no matter what folks say. lol.

11) If someone liked you, would you want them to tell you?
– yes, i would.

13) Do you want someone you cant have?
– no. i have exactly everything i could ever want and/or need <33

14) Do you believe love at first sight exists?
– haha. unsa ko, buang?

15) Do you believe in celebrating anniversaries?
– anniversaries, yes. but not weeksaries, monthsaries, daysaries, secondsaries, minutesaries and all that mumbo jumbo super kabadayun to the max shit. LOL [to the max. kaluod]

16) Do you believe that you can change for someone?
– no. i only believe that a person can only TRULY change if THEY want to because they know that they HAVE to and not because someone wants them to change.

17) Do you have feelings for someone that isn’t your boyfriend/girlfriend?
– yes. but they are all strictly philial. i love my boyfriend, thankyouverymuch! ❤

18) Ever wished you could have someone but you couldn’t?
– yes, i have. and i’m glad i never got him.

19) Have you ever broken a heart before?
– honestly? yes, i have.

20) What would you say about your most recent ex?
– i don’t have any ex’s THANKYOUVERYMUCH.

interesting enough for you?

ok so here’s a little something i’ve been planning on writing for a while but only had the time to make now. i think this
is true in many aspects but i could also be very wrong. lol. but this is what i’ve learned [a few ra nuon] based on the 3 months that i’ve spent with james. lol.

just a though before all of this, though. bitaw james, what do we tell people when they ask us? and how come we never really tell people we’re together? i mean, on my side, i’m not afraid to tell people that i’m with you. i’m actually kinda proud  bout it. i just don’t tell them i’m with you when they ask me in front of you though because usually you just say, mu or something other than me actually being your girlfriend. and plus, idk. the term boyfriend sounds soo surreal to me. and plus, we’re not officially together paman gyud so it’s not like i’m denying him, right?

to be continued….

read lang sah.


things i’ve learned about james/ being with guys/ girls and guys/ guys in general (in case you can relate):

1. guys aren’t scared to talk about marriage and the future.
2. guys smell better than girls do. i swear.
3. guys are vain and obsess about their hair.
4. sometimes being one of the guys is ok. :]
5. guys have the tendency of calling their girlfriends “bai”, “doh” [guy nicknames] and then try to take them back because they think we mind but i don’t. i think it’s cute.
    -> cuz let’s be honest, there ARE some things we don’t tell our boyfriends and vice versa. so when he calls me bai, i feel like his guy friend and i feel like he’s telling me everything. or stuff a guy usually wouldn’t tell a girl
6. guys are dramatic and over protective [when it’s supposed to be the other way around!]
7. guys are sweet when they want to be
8. guys aren’t afraid to show affection in public [well, in the right amount, of course.]
9. guys care about their face, too!
10. guys care about their weight!!
11. guys will never NOT talk about other girls. and girls will NEVER STOP talking about other guys.
    – but honestly, it’s ok cuz cute guys are just good to look at but i would never replace them for what i have now. and i can only hope he feels the same.
12. guys ALSO have the need to shop.
13. guys will always feel intimidated by other guys [even the weird fugly ones you would NEVER go for]
14. or it just makes them feel like their protecting us.
15. guys like it when we cuddle with them
16. james gives the BEST hugs
17. some guys actually do want what most girls want, too. [shocking, but true!]
18. guys like manicures and pedicures, too! [which btw, is soo super gay. hahaha]
19. girls take some things too seriously and expect too much which makes them look really needy.
    girls, when  you’re with your boyfriend in front of other people, there’s no need to stick your “i-own-him” signs on his forehead. sometimes girls can be soo desperate for attention.
20. girls will ALWAYS make beso to guys regardless of social status [for both parties]
21. there’s really nothing wrong with our guys talking to other girls. unless they touch the girl and ask for their numbers and give them the sex look or just talk to a specific person between the whole period of conversing. then you should be scared.
22. guys also take time from their lives to stand in front of the mirror and stare at themselves.
23. when girls start  inflicting pain or their guys, [playfully] it just means they miss them soo much and that they’re dying to kiss them but can’t [proli cuza the environment] 
24. guys baby talk, too!
25. some guys actually mean their “i love you’s…”
and that’s the BESTEST part of it all.

+ i’ve learned a lot about boys, girls and etc. in the past 3 months. [sheeesh. still 3 months? i thought time flies? HAHA]
and i’m sure i’ll have more to post soon.