i know i’m such a nagger and i complain about every single detail of my life but lately, i’ve been blessed. not completely though, cuz me and james still bicker at each other every now and then but i’ve been telling him how he makes me feel and i can see the effort he’s been making to change ever since ever since i have. i think it’s sweet. and i hope things don’t change.

ok so lately there’s been some family drama going on in my life. drama between me, my grandmother and my dad.

it started when i bitched about my dad to my grany and me ending up feeling bad about what i did to grany and just incase you’re interested to know the personal details of my life, i shall copy + paste the long conversation me and my dad had last night on YM. [oh the joys of technology]

alvinpchua69: sush?

BUZZ!!!

issadog_102890: hey dad

alvinpchua69: sush, how u been?

alvinpchua69: whats your home number?

issadog_102890: i’ve been ok

issadog_102890: why man?

alvinpchua69: ill call you on the phone nalang

issadog_102890: ok

issadog_102890: uhm. no, i don’t wanna talk. it’s hard for
me

alvinpchua69: ok, here nalang

alvinpchua69: hows school?

issadog_102890: it’s been ok lang

alvinpchua69: i saw the pic that tita ann sent me

issadog_102890: which one man?

issadog_102890: of me in my uniform?

alvinpchua69: yah. katong gihatud ka niya sa school

alvinpchua69: nindot man diay inyong uniform

alvinpchua69: was that in-front of jones avenue nga
entrance?

issadog_102890: that was in the reclamation area.

issadog_102890: new man toh na campus

alvinpchua69: aw diha diay inyong campus? wala na diay tung
sa capitol dapit?

alvinpchua69: naa kay webcam sush?

issadog_102890: no lang

issadog_102890: guba akung pc.

alvinpchua69: naa ka sa balay karon?

issadog_102890: yep

alvinpchua69: i was wondering why you havent been onlline
for a while now

issadog_102890: i’ve been busy with a lot of stuff.

issadog_102890: dad, i wanted to tell you about something
that happened today

alvinpchua69: what happened today?

issadog_102890: i asked grany to pick me up. and we ended up
fighting

alvinpchua69: ngano man?

issadog_102890: because i asked her to pick me up. cuz
before ni ana siya na if i need her, she can drop me off. and i asked her the
night before pa..

issadog_102890: then today, when i told her to pick me up,
she got mad kay aha kuno akung papa.

alvinpchua69: ic

alvinpchua69: maybe she had things to do

alvinpchua69: gamay ra na sush.. dont let it bother you

alvinpchua69: asa man diay ka moadto unta?

issadog_102890: she said layu kuno. and i said sa ayala
nalang ko pa drop then she kept asking me aha si papa cuz that was his job
kuno.

issadog_102890: school

alvinpchua69: so how did you go to school?

issadog_102890: and it’s so full of her to say something
like that because i don’t expect to be my papa’s priority cuz iyahang priority
is to put food on the table and bring me to school. in the first place, i don’t
expect him to give me the exact same treatment as he does to his kids because
1st of all, i’m not his real kid. you understand that, right?

alvinpchua69: i understand and i know how you feel

alvinpchua69: pasensya-e lang granny nimo. maybe she was
just having a bad day too. but just because she said that, doesnt mean that she
meants it.

alvinpchua69: and that doesnt mean that she doesnt love you.
i know she does

issadog_102890: and when she picked me up, she got so mad at
me. she was like, “aha akung papa” and stuff.

issadog_102890: and ako, i felt bad. and i aired out to her
na,

issadog_102890: “maalipay naman ta gani mu na
nakatabang mu nako maski gamay kai wala akung daddy!”

alvinpchua69: sush, she’s probably having problems with
stuff. and the price of gas is kinda high right now. even here in the u.s.

alvinpchua69: pasensya-e lang kay everybody has their bad
days

issadog_102890: i know that. dad, every where in the world
there are problems and i know that. i’m old enough to know all these things.

issadog_102890: and honestly, i have so much anger towards
you and akung gipa gawas ni granny tanan. and she didn’t deserve that

issadog_102890: you deserved that.

alvinpchua69: i know that

alvinpchua69: cge nalang. just forgive and forget nalang

issadog_102890: no dad. you don’t understand!

alvinpchua69: i know she can be harsh but pasensya-e lang

issadog_102890: i want YOU TO KNOW ALL THESE THINGS. NOT HER
NOT JAMES NOT MY MOMMY

issadog_102890: YOU

alvinpchua69: yes, i understand

issadog_102890: good

alvinpchua69: im glad you told me that

alvinpchua69: and if you ever need to say anything to me,
just vent out your anger, just say so

issadog_102890: because honestly, i am so TIRED OF ALL OF
THIS!!!!

alvinpchua69: i dont want you to be keeping your anger

issadog_102890: DAD. I’M TIRED

issadog_102890: OF FEELING LIKE SHIT BECAUSE YOU CAN AFFORD
TO RAISE YOUR KIDS THERE BUT I ONLY MEAN 1000 PESOS TO YOU!

issadog_102890: HOW DO YOU THINK THAT MAKES ME FEEL?!

issadog_102890: I’M YOUR FIRST DAUGHTER, I HAVEN’T SEEN OR
TALKED TO YOU IN SO LONG AND ALL I GET IS 1000. NO LETTERS, NO EMAILS, NO
TEXTS.

issadog_102890: don’t you know i’ve been avoiding you for
the longest time?!

alvinpchua69: yes, i had the idea that you were

alvinpchua69: sush, let me assure you that you’re not worth
just 1000 to me. you’re my first daughter and you mean so much to me.

issadog_102890: thenw why didn’t you ever call me?! or email
me?! or text me?! OR ANYTHING!

alvinpchua69: also, i already talked to ann about your
allowance. and i will be sending you more

issadog_102890: don’t know that I WANT YOU TO LOOK FOR ME!

issadog_102890: and you have such small effort

issadog_102890: ga salig raka ni ann2.

issadog_102890: nya ako ngari ga lisud. and i talk to
EVERYBODY about it. i tell me friends my family, even a priest!

alvinpchua69: i do look for you sush. there’s not a day
where i dont think of you, and what you’re doing

issadog_102890: HOW COME I DON’T FEEL THAT?!

issadog_102890: HOW COME YOU DON’T DO ANYTHING ABOUT THAT!

alvinpchua69: i even check out your friendster profile but i
dont say anything

alvinpchua69: believe me. i am

issadog_102890: I DON’T WANT ANY ASSURANCES. I DON’T WANT TO
HEAR YOU SAY THAT YOU DO THIS AND THAT. BECAUSE YOU DON’T GIVE ME A REASON TO
BELIEVE YOU

issadog_102890: I WANT TO LOOK FOR ME

issadog_102890: TO MAKE ME FEEL LIKE I MEAN SOMETHING TO YOU

issadog_102890: I WANT YOU TO AT LEAST TRY TO BE MY DAD

alvinpchua69: well, okay, from now on. i will call you
regularly and text you and email you

issadog_102890: i want to know you so bad. but i hate you!
YOU HURT ME SO MUCH!

issadog_102890: i think about you all the time and it just
disappoints me.

issadog_102890: i hate the fact that I HAVE TO TELL EVERYONE
WHAT I WANT BEFORE THEY DO IT

issadog_102890: anak man ta ko nimo.

issadog_102890: why can’t you just treat me the same way you
treat your kids there!?

issadog_102890: is it cuz you forgot about me?! daku kai
kung sayup para nimo?!

issadog_102890: you just don’t know how unwanted i feel ALL
THE TIME. ALL THE TIME!

issadog_102890: i hate feeling worthless.

issadog_102890: you just can’ imagine how many times i’ve
asked myself and god nganu na ingani ko run. why my life is so messed up

alvinpchua69: i know that sush

issadog_102890: you know man diay.

issadog_102890: people say that girls marry their fathers.
and i’m so scared that i’m going to end up with someone like you because i
don’t want anyone to go through what you’ve made me go through all my life!

alvinpchua69: i sure wouldnt want you to marry someone like
me. just imagine what you would have to go through with that

alvinpchua69: and if james is anywhere like me, i would have
to ask you to break up with him

issadog_102890: how would i know to begin with?!

alvinpchua69: so, what is james like?

issadog_102890: don’t change the subject. this isn’t about
james. this is about YOU AND ME!

alvinpchua69: you know there is a a pic in your friendster
profile and i didnt like it

issadog_102890: well honestly, i don’t think you have the
right to tell me what you want in my life or not.

alvinpchua69: you’re a grown up now and i cant force you but
its up to you to listen or not.

alvinpchua69: nobody has the right to tell you what to do.
but its your choice to listen or not

issadog_102890: i know that

issadog_102890: because people have told me to forgive you and
give you a chance. but i never have

issadog_102890: because in the first place, you’ve never
even asked for forgiveness

alvinpchua69: why do you feel that i owe you a forgiveness?

issadog_102890: because dad, admit it, you were never a
father to me.

issadog_102890: because you hurt me

issadog_102890: because YOU ARE THE REASON WHY I WAKE UP
FEELING SO WORTHLESS EVERYDAY

alvinpchua69: im just wondering, does it ever occur to you
that, just like you, i am also suffering from not being there with you? 

issadog_102890: are you blaming me/!

issadog_102890: do you seriously think i want to be with
you?

alvinpchua69: i wonder, does that ever occur to you that
each day, i think about ways to come home so i can see you?

issadog_102890: god, i can go through years not wanting to
see you

alvinpchua69: sush, i dont care if you want to be with me or
not. all i want is to come home so i could see you.

issadog_102890: HOW IS THAT FAIR ON MY PART?!

alvinpchua69: i dont care if you dont want to see me. all i
want is to be there to see you in person. even if you wont come close to  me

alvinpchua69: i gave you time to express your anger and to
listen to what you feel. now, give me a break because you’re not the only one
thats suffering

alvinpchua69: dont you think i ask myself why i am here
while all the ones i love are in the phis?

alvinpchua69: you need to grow up and stop thinking only of
yourself

alvinpchua69: do you really know what i feel inside?

alvinpchua69: do you really know whats on my mind?

issadog_102890: no

alvinpchua69: so please give me a break because no matter
how far you are from me. i do think of you a lot and everytime you have
problems i feel miserable too knowiing that im not there to comfort you

issadog_102890: dad, kibaw man gud ko that we’re all going
through something.

issadog_102890: but kasabut ka?

issadog_102890: i just wanted you to try.

alvinpchua69: what makes you think that im not trying? and
how would you ever know what i feel?

alvinpchua69: i deal with my feeling the way i do. nobody
knows, not even the people here

alvinpchua69: i dont like to show emotions

issadog_102890: then maybe that’s one thing i got from you

issadog_102890: but it gets to the point when i get so tired
of pretending.

issadog_102890: i tried for so long to act like i dont care.

alvinpchua69: yes, it gets tiring

alvinpchua69: and i guess, thats just how we are

issadog_102890: dad i don’t wanna be like this anymore
because it’s screwing up everything.

alvinpchua69: you know sush, one of these days, i will share
a story with you. something that happened to me several years ago

issadog_102890: i hate feeling like a push over. and feeling
like i don’t have a right to anything

alvinpchua69: you know, i feel the same way too

alvinpchua69: you know last month, marvi and i were talking

alvinpchua69: and she told me that im a pushover and that i
dont stand up for myself

alvinpchua69: and i thought about it

alvinpchua69: and i told her that yes, i do. i try to be
nice to people because the only way i know how to deal with people i dont like
is to hurt them

alvinpchua69: and i dont want to do that.

alvinpchua69: i never learned how to be more assertive or to
stand up for myself in a nice way

alvinpchua69: i just let people push me around until i get
so mad that i just blow up

alvinpchua69: and that is not right

alvinpchua69: maybe what you feel is something that you got
from me

alvinpchua69: maybe we should learn some skill in being more
assertive rather than keeping it inside

issadog_102890: i’m doing it right now

alvinpchua69: you know sush, i was in counseling a few years
ago

alvinpchua69: and one day, i had a one-on-one session with
the counselor

alvinpchua69: and we did thing until it came into the root
of the problem

alvinpchua69: it turned out that for years, i had so much
anger and hatred towards my dad.  that it
affected my anger

alvinpchua69: and the way i dealt with people

alvinpchua69: so that way, during the session, i gave a big,
hard cry. like maybe for 30 mins or so

alvinpchua69: it was such a big hard cry. i didnt know where
it came from. it drained me of all my enery

alvinpchua69: and finally, the counselor asked me if i could
forgive my dad

alvinpchua69: and i did

alvinpchua69: and little by little, i wasnt so irritabe
anymore

alvinpchua69: i didnt feel so angry with the world anymore

issadog_102890: so what am i supposed to do!?

issadog_102890: forgive you?!

issadog_102890: just like that!

issadog_102890: no!

alvinpchua69: so if it is in your heart to forgive me.
please forgive me for my shortcomings

issadog_102890: it’s not like that.

issadog_102890: IT’S NOT!

issadog_102890: NOT FOR ME

issadog_102890: i’m sorry

issadog_102890: di jud

issadog_102890: i know i may be selfish but i think i have
the right to because the only thing i wanted from you was for you to be dad to
me. was for you to make me feel like i was important to you. i wanted you to
make more of an effort compared to now. i wanted to feel like your DAUGHTER.

issadog_102890: you must be busy

issadog_102890: i’ll go ahead

issadog_102890: bye

alvinpchua69: i just dont feel like saying anything

alvinpchua69: just go to bed. its late

alvinpchua69: you have school tomorrow

alvinpchua69: gnighte

issadog_102890: night

p.s. i do NOT appreciate the fact that of all the numbers in the world he chose 69. what an ASS!
[which is technically what he would be getting from his number. lmao]

anyways, i woke up today feeling bad and confused and all the shit. and honestly i just wanted today to end.

but now, i wish it wouldn’t. cuz i am sooooooo happy today. :]

today me, james and his friends went to his high school to hang out and then we went karting. i swear, today was so refreshing for me cuz i didn’t have any parents calling me 24/7 or any plans to live up to. today was just so random [except the karting. james and i planned that] and it felt good to feel like this because i haven’t felt this good or young in a while. sure, i was quiet most of the ride but still, silence doesn’t mean you’re not having fun, right? hehe.

but i do have to say, karting was the coolest thing i’ve tried so far. even if cost alot [sorry james, i love you], i absoluetly LOVED it. like, idk, it just made me feel so good, so invincible, so alive. and god, i love that feeling. 🙂

i just wanted to say thank you to james [despite everything] cuz if i didn’t have him, i know for sure that i would never ever have the chance to do that with friends or anyone else for that matter. i know he go through hell with each other but i have to admit, we do have some pretty great times together.

i love you, bikoy.

i’ll see you on triplejack.com 😉

i just got my internet fixed after the phone line got cut or something. idk. lmao.

i don’t actually know how long i’ve been gone but it feels like an awfully long time.

school has been ok but never great. so far i have passed all my tests [with decent scores to match] and i’ve been busy practicing our dance for Intramurals which are coming up pretty soon. i am so hyped! mainly because god, it’s college. and i’m dancing, i mean, that’s pretty cool, right? haha.

we haven’t had class the whole week. like, all we have to do is go to school for PE practice and i usually don’t even go cuz i skip to hang out with james or practice for free steps. lol.

in complete and total fairness, i don’t think life sucks as much anymore. but it still sucks.

james is on the verge of ending our relationship because lately i’ve been too “emo”. ok, i know i may not look like it but god, i can be hellah emo at times. i just have the unusually preppy alter ego to cover it all  up ;]

he got this one time when i told him that i thought about killing myself sometimes or that i wanted to die. but really, is it such a bad thing to think about death?

i’m gaining weight now. i think that’s a good thing considering the fact that the only thing people say to me now is, “hoi is, nganu daut naman kaau ka?!” [amanda, that means issa, why are you so fucking skinny now?] and honestly, i don’t know why either. for a while, i thought my bod stopped accepting food because i was trying so hard to gain weight and then idk. honestly, i don’t even know why i lost all that weight in the first place. my friends think it’s because i’m having sex now. but i’m not. i wouldn’t want to have sex with james. i’m not ready for that yet and quite frankly, i wouldn’t wanna have sex with him right now. not while we are so fuzzy all the time.

i just wish he knew how i felt about everything. it sucks having to keep it all inside all the time.

my 18th is coming up soon. i’m excited. i’ll tell ya’ll about my party plans SOOOOOOOON.

i gtg. i need to be up by 2:30. have this university run shit tomorrow.

hugzz.

school midterms just ended for us. and i swear i am soo tired. and it’s ironic for me cuz i know that i’ve been studying like hell but i still ended up cheating ALOT. idk why. i think i was just so scared cuz it was the first mid terms for me and idk. i feel bad that i cheated on most of my tests though. i mean, i thought that i could do it easily. i thought that i could breeze through 1st year 1st sem but dammit, i was seriously disturbed.

i have no social life. so don’t expect me to narrate anything interesting because nothing interesting is going on in my life, as of the moment.

i don’t know what the status of my love life is either but i wish it would go well.

i’m tired of school. and of life.

i’m tired of everything.

i need something MORE.

i’m stealing these from and she smiles and i dont care. i feel like crap and it doesn’t matter.

i’m stealing these from and she smiles and i dont care. i feel like crap and it doesn’t matter.

he said he only wanted to be with a smart girl, one who uses her head, one who doesn’t mess everything up. he said he wanted to be with a girl AND live the life he used to live. which means, he wants to screw around and he’ll get to me when he wants to. i’ve become a conviniency [i think i just made this word up] to him. and the sad thing about all of this is that i let him get away with me not being a priority to him when he’s the only thing i make sure of in my life.

how is it possible to feel like this?

i blame myself for all of this.

well, i’m changing for him in hopes that if and when i do, things’ll be better, that it won’t hurt anymore, that i won’t be blogging in the computer lab with a tight throat cuz my tears want so bad to roll down my cheeks.

why is it that the harder i try, the harder i get slapped in the face?

god, you know the only thing i want is just to be happy. why does this feel so impossible?

i thought if we do good things, good things happen to us.

I’m in school right now. I’m just waiting for dance practice and for james to get out so we can buy our shit for acquaintance party this Saturday. i’m dancing [remember i got in freestep?] to 60’s music cuz apparently, that’s the theme for this year. sucks ass, i know.

this year, me and james decided to wear the same shirt. i’m excited for that no matter how tacky it may seem. it’s just something i know i’m going to remember for a long time and i like moments like that cuz i know we’re not going to have a lot of those anymore. or at least not now.

i haven’t updated in a while so i guess that’s why i sound like i’m new at this and hence, the smiley. it’s getting pretty obvious.

i went to my classmate’s father’s wake this morning. it was really sad. and i feel bad for her mainly because the whole world is acting like nothing’s happening. [stupid, i know. i think i’m selfish like that] and idk, that’s probably the worse and most painful thing that could happen to anyone. to loose a family member. it just makes me wonder bah, why does everyone still have a reason to smile or laugh? i bet their life is just as fucked up as i think it is yet we’re still laughing and smiling at that dullest things. do you think we’re just all really good at pretending?

i do.

me and james are getting better, i think. but i still think that this relationship isn’t going to work out.

honestly, i feel like he’s the one [even though it’s too early to say]. somehow i know that i don’t want to love anyone else cuz then i would just make that other person feel second rate. i know that i will never love anyone as much as i love him. but deep inside me, i have the strongest feeling that i’m lying to myself now. because i’m not getting what i want.

and all i really want is just to be loved. it’s that simple. i just want to be happy. is that so hard?

i don’t want to be called a slut or a bitch or stupid because deep down inside me i know that i’m not really those things but how come nobody sees that?

i’m tired of living this life and i’m tired of pretending and i’m tired of not being happy.

if i died, i know that nobody’ll miss me. not even james. he’ll move on.

i know the whole world’ll just carry on and people will just keep on laughing and smiling about stupid things like what some girl is wearing or that word some guy mispronounced and that sucks.

when i die, i want people to talk about the bad sides of me. because people are such hypocrites. no one ever tells me that i’m a true friend or that i’m nice or understanding now. so why should they say it when i’m dead? i’m not a fucking saint. and i don’t want death to be the only moment i’m ever going to be patronized.

gtg. practice in a bit.

take care.

james is behind me but we’re fighting. another one of those cases when i didn’t care at all to tell him what he thinks he’s supposed to know.

i wonder if he knows how i feel or if he knows that i cry when i think of him at night when i pray or if he knows how miserable i am with him.

i think my opinion now compared to 14 months ago is very different.
i don’t know how to smile anymore.
i don’t know how to laugh or talk to people anymore.
i don’t know what butterflies are like
and i don’t even know what love is.

all i wanted to do was be happy.
maybe happiness is somewhere else.

i auditioned for the Free Step dance troupe [which i’ve suddenly heard is the best dance troupe amung all the department] and i got in. yey for me.

i’m doing extremey well in chemistry [very shocking indeed] and idk, so far, everything’s been ok.

i think i’m ok.

we are very complicated right now and although me and james are once again a couple [sheesh] i’m having a hard time admitting it because it doesn’t really feel like we are.

i think we just back slid but that’s what he wants.

i wouldn’t be suprised anymore if he wanted to start seeing other people bet. this relationship. </3

it’s completely outta my hands now. go figure.

xoxo

issa