i’m blogging in the office right now. i’m not allowed to but since my parent’s left me at home with the kids after PROMISING to bring me with them to watch a movie, i don’t really care.

i had a good holy week if i sum it all up. excluding today.

i spent most of it at asturyas with my family and yesterday, i hung out with josh at ayala and a few of his friends who are now my friends 😀

today is easter sunday and not to mention- James birthday today. i know it’s his birthday and everything but i didn’t botther greeting him. if you want to know why… it’s just because, i don’t want to. and i don’t see the need to. 😀

i have school tomorrow. i’d rather die.

1. i could most probably be the one of the dumbest people you know. and i’d proli be on the top of that list. here’s an example: one day, i was sitting with my papa and i suddenly said “if you throw hot water on a fire, will it still burn out?”
my mom claims that my brother has formulated more sensible questions. hahaha.

2. i play super paper mario. i play it so much to the point where it’s not even funny anymore. i play it to an extent where i actually start to develop feelings for the characters. i think mario is AMAZING and he has mad skills, i think luigi is gay, i think i’m more appealing compared to princess peach and i feel bad when i have to kill enemies but i find it insanely rewarding when i get to kill the main enemies like bowser 😀

3. i have a hard time spelling. especially when it comes to like double letters. hehe. like let’s say.. opening. this is how i spell it: openning. 😀

4. i’ve only had one boyfriend in my whole life and the only thing i can say after that relationship is that my standards now are nothing compared to what i would settle for before. hehe.

5. i have the tendency to want to run away from my problems. If i could leave cebu just because i wanted to, i would and i proli wouldn’t have regretted it either. if you’ve seen The Perfect Man I’d proli be like Heather Locklear except not THAT bad.

6. i honestly do think that Cebu is too small for me. Dreams don’t come true in here and it’s suffocating. I never wanted to move back here and I’ve constantly wanted to move back to the States. When i finally do get to do that, I proli won’t want to come back either.

7. i claim to be a loner but Kevin says i’m anti-social. and i hate to admit it but he’s right. If anyone would live on a deserted island, that would be ME. well, there’d have to be maid and a mall. and things to actually do. haha. nevermind, i couldn’t live on a deserted island. HAHA.

8. i’ve planned my whole life already. I will go to school, graduate, take my board exam, NCLEX and move to the states. After this i will find a job at a hospital for children with cancer while going to school. and maybe i’ll take a break from being a nurse and try to pursue my dream of being a fashion designer and if all else fails, i could always go back to being a nurse. basta dapat, before i settle down, i would’ve established a good and promising career, i’ve traveled a bit on my own, i’ve gone on a cruise and naka puyo nako on my own. impossible as it may sound.

9. i don’t like it when my food touch each other. if such occassion arises, i would end up loosing my appetite just because i don’t like how my food looks like. 😀 i am also a very picky eater. i don’t like food that has an odd smell and if it looks ugly and dull, i proli won’t eat it either. also, i could eat hamburgers, fries, japanese and pizza every single day of my life if i could. and candy. i’m inlove with candy.

10. my biological father and his wife and kids are coming to Cebu after 12 years. and although i’ve anticipated this moment since godknowswhen, i am also very as in icouldshitinmypantsoutofth

diana asked me something today that a lot of people have asked me since me and james broke up. but then i never really had an answer that i was actually satisfied with until today. i don’t know how i came up with answer but when she asked me if i would get bak with hames if he wanted get back with me i said, “Yeah, i think i would. if we started from square one.”

odd how that came out after 3 months of telling myself that i want him completely out of my life.

and then i got to thinking over our conversation about case studies during 4th year of college- i couldn’t do it if i had a boyfriend like james. i’d always be pushed down like i was so many times before. i don’t miss being told i’m not good enough or smart enough or being told that i try too hard. i don’t miss it at all.

last night was his sister’s baby shower and i threw it. i never realized how much i missed what we had before until yesterday. really. like when i went inside his room to check if he was there [he wasn’t], i was reminded of soo much and it made me miss him because i know that there were moments when i was truly happy, moments when i couldn’t ask for anything more in my life. but what are mere moments when you could be happy all the time, right? i mean, i don’t expect a 24/7 pep squadish life but at least not what i felt and not what i went through the 2 years we were together.

it still hurts when i think about it because no matter how many theories or what if’s i come up with, i know none of them will actually come true. i know for a fact that james never loved me that much to fight for me or to get me back. but i did. and i did all those things and now i feel so stupid because i have nothing left. i’ve come to terms with the fact we’re nothing anymore a very long time ago and i’ve also taught myself to not expect anything from him but i guess sometimes i beat myself up from feeling like crap because he never fought for me.

i always thought that if you had something as good as that, you’d fight to keep it. it wasn’t that good for me but i stayed and i fought for it. i guess i just feel and think too many things. haha.

i don’t even understand why i’m emoting right now. i mean, i’m over it. maybe because it’s his birthday this sunday. or maybe cuz we’ve been texting lately. i really don’t know. but after this blog, i know it’ll be out of my system.

the thing that hurt me the most was being with his family and wishing that i still had some place in it. i love his family so much. i love anna, i love dan’s girlfriend, angelie, i love tito jojo, sharlyn, rany. I get a crack out of his brothers and it’s just so painful not being a part of that anymore. i feel like i lost everything. and i just can’t get that back anymore.

but anyways, i’ll be going to asturyas for the whole week and i’ll be back on friday so i’ll proli party hardy when i get back too. i’m planning to work on my sketching there and stay up late and look at the stars and feel good about my life and thank god because honestly, i’ve kinda forgotten about Him.

i’ll see you soon. and promise, non of this emo bullshit anymore. i’m dunzoo for the year.

i’m getting it again. my chest is heavy and i feel stupid but i don’t even know why. i feel like crying but then crying would be stupid because i don’t have a good reason to cry.

i guess like right now i just feel like i’m trapped or something and i just wanna burst out and shout and cry and be held. and quite frankly, i’m so tired of feeling like this.

i hate just “getting by”. ugh.

i need to cry it out.

soo much is going on.

i need to find myself in all this mess. but how?

today i realized how truly scared i am to get into a relationship again.

i realized that i’m scared most of all of the letting go part.
i’m scared to let to go all my pretensions.
i’m scared to move on.
i’m just so scared.

but i know that my life won’t really start until i stop being afraid.

and the weird thing is, i never really realized how scared i actually was until today.

today i decided that the next time i get a boyfriend i’m going to love him the same or if not, more than i loved james. i shouldn’t be telling myself that i won’t be able to love anyone the same way i loved james because why should i let a guy like him ruin the chances of me being able to make someone happy, right? especially if that someone is way much better than james ever was. i don’t want to have to base all my relationships on this one because james was never really worth it, honestly. i just kept telling myself that he was because i needed a reason to hold on.

i don’t wanna be this person anymore. i don’t wanna be the girl who looks for alcohol and cigarettes when her whole world is falling in on her. i don’t wanna be that girl who feels the urge to get the next ticket out of town when she feels like she can’t take it anymore. i don’t wanna be this lost little girl anymore but if i had to find myself, where would i start?

all i know is i wanna be found again – if i ever was. i wanna feel like i’m wanted, i wana have a place in this shit hole.i’m so tired of feeling like a fish out of water. tired of feeling like everyone’s last option. i’m tired of not being a part of things. i’ll be blunt though. because i have to.

where is everybody? where are my friends? do i even have any?

where are you?

But I lacked the courage and she had a boyfriend and I was gawky and she was gorgeous and I was hopelessly boring and she was endlessly fascinating. So I walked back to my room and collapsed on the bed, thinking that if people were rain, I was a drizzle and she was a hurricane.
-Looking for Alaska

There must be millions of people all over the world who never get any love letters… I could be their leader.
( Charlie Brown )

 

haven’t been able to go online lately. basically cuz i have better things to do. lol. i’m getting my braces off in 2 days and i’m so hyped. i’m planning james’ sister’s baby shower which will be on monday. i have to get drunk on saturday because i live on alcohol now. adrian just got back from manila.

people i’ve fooled today:
* Chabel – told her our friend was pregnant
* Papa – i told him me and james got  back together

* Kate, Kevin and Adrian – same joke
* Andrea – told her i was leaving for the states. i’m such a loser

i’ve been hooked on Super Paper Mario for a while and i swear, it’s ruining my life. lol.

my life right now is good. thanks for asking.

i guess i’ll stay up all night again. thinking. :))

i really wanted to talk to him today and set the record straight between the two of us and clarify what we are and why we do the things we do if we both know that we can’t be together and if both of us are basically in it for nothing.
i wanted to know if we were going to work things out and actually start dating and in a few months proli come out of the open and start letting people see us together instead of whatever it is we’re doing now.
i wanted to know if i had a chance at actually having a relationship with someone again. but i don’t see that happening.
maybe i’ll just disappear and leave things like how they are now. if he wants me, he knows where to find me and maybe i’ll be there. maybe i won’t.

i’ve been really lonely lately with adrian in manila and me and kevin not talking so much anymore.

more lost then lonely actually.