i posted a new video on youtube and now this person from Peru keeps bugging to see my FEET. god. weird people, really. lol.

xab’s 18th tonight and i cannot wait! i was out all day yesterday at the mall trying to find a dress for the occasion gyud. Well, i eventually found something but it isn’t really want i wanted. i wanted to go for a grungier look. sort of like a, i-know-this-is-a-semi-formal-party-but-i-look-like-a-rockstar-in-this-anyways look. but then xab also started btching about she has a costume made for my party which in my opinion are two very different things because i had a costume. she’s making us wear FUCKING BLACK. as if i wasn’t dark enough. i could practically go naked.

oh shit, i didn’t know bluebarry cheese cakes melted! gotta go. i need to finish some really good cake!

I just got back from a 4 day trip from Boracay and although the place was amazing, i have to say, i’ve been on better vacations.

I guess it’s more about the people you go on vacation with rather than the place you go to. I just realized this.

The whole time i was there, i was mostly trying to get away from the chua’s and castro’s not because i don’t like them [well, i don’t like my dad, yeah] but mostly because i don’t feel like i belong with them, you know? I didn’t feel my place with those people. And every chance i could get away from them, i would spend smoking. I feel so bad. It got to a point where i just laid on the sand and started asking myself what i was doing with my life. hahaha. it sounds stupid thinking about it now but i was pretty serious when i was having that episode.

every single day i am more and more convinced that i am bi-polar. HAHA.

i’ve been thinking about James lately. i just realized that there hasn’t been a day in 8 months where i haven’t thought about him. he’s always been here. and i still love him. and i miss him. i don’t miss being his girlfriend though. i just miss who i was mostly. I know it’s easy to be that person again though but maybe most of the time i don’t want to. i confuse myself. lol.

We’ve been talking a lot lately though and wa lang. i just wish i could have all those feelings again. except this time for someone who deserves it. haha. why am i even talking about this? /:)

i’ll proli update later and rant about my dad since i haven’t been able to do that yet. HAHA.

but now i have to go and paint my wall. [my papa surprised me by remodelling my room when i got back from Bora] i’ll post pictures. 😀

me and my mom got into a big fight which has to do with my dad. duh. why else would we fight? and now, she is being the biggest bitch in the world and is refusing to pay for my tuittion money. i figured if she wouldn’t, i would pawn my watch and sell the necklace that james gave me on my birthday and proli the necklace and bracelet my lola gave me for graduation. I honestly don’t want to though. but i have to figure out a way to go to fucking school.

i can’t believe i’m considering this a problem when i don’t even like school. fuck it.

i smoked proli more than 10 sticks today and i feel like i’m dry and dead inside. it’s the worst feeling in the world. but i still did a pretty good job at soccer.

i cried on my papa’s belly this morning because i couldn’t take it anymore. Sure the drinking was fun, i got to hang with Christian, but you know, i guess there are just some things alcohol cannot make up for anymore. Guess there are just some feelings that don’t go away as fast as the other feelings have and gaaah. i’m tired of always talking about this.

I am looking forward to CESAFI though. i hope my friends watch. I hope christian watches. He’s so cute and tiny  want to squish him. haha.

xoxo

the only embarrassing part was younger kids [1st year kids] had to take care of me.

christian was there too! but idk too much drama circulating that kid. drama my system is not willing to handle not with everything going on.

i feel sorry for miljo because he took care of me. carried me, hugged me, let me bite him – everything.

i will proli clean up my act just give me one last drunk day

dad’s coming here in exactly a week and i am slowly loosing my mind. this is an example of our recent conversations:

i’m not good with strangers. when i’m around people i don’t know, i avoid small talk, i don’t maintain eye contact and i try my best to stay as far away as possible. I’d give it like a few months before you upgrade yourself to a casuality. But i can’t just push you away like that, can i? i wish i could.

I don’t know why i’m freaking out so much over this. This morning, i was sitting down and i imagined being around my dad and for a split second, i was happy. i was even excited. but i immediately shut the possibility out because i know that if my mom knew this, she would hate me.

i hate fighting two battles. i hate having to fight their battles for them.

i’m scared of him, honestly. mostly because he’s a lot like the wind. he’ll come and he’ll go. he could be a typhoon, too. come, ruin me and leave. and not even apologize for it.

i’m so tired of all this emotional stress that is caused by him. but in exactly a week, he’ll be here. it’s been 13 years. what do i do? do i hug him? hold his hand? kiss his cheek? cry?

this is the moment i’ve been dreading my whole life and it’s finally happened. you can’t imagine all the episodes running inside my head. it’s eating me alive.

please crash.

😦

it’s almost timeeeeeee

one week and 2 days. why do i feel like i’m going to shit in my pants? and why am i so scareddd? 😦

i wish i had a spirit out of body experience. and i am random. i am also pissed and i will also play soccer and i wish it would rain so i could cry tonight and it would be ok.

I wish your plane crashes. and my pasalubongs still get here. maybe.