1. Do you want to go to heaven?

– honestly, i DO want to go to heaven. I mean geez, who wouldn’t want to go to heaven, right? But if i lived my life doing things only because i wanted to be good enough for heaven and JUST that, then i’d feel like a hypocrite.

2. Do you think that the life you live is good enough to go to heaven?

– it’s not a matter of the things i do that i consider to be good enough for heaven or not. mostly, it’s the heart i have when i actually do things. I don’t want my whole life to revolve around doing certain things just for the validity in heaven. i do believe in god despite how hard it is sometimes and i do believe that if he does know me then he’ll see my heart. Even if not all the things i do justify my values and what i really want in life, i still do think that i am worthy to be in heaven if i died right now. i’m just a kid who screws up and chooses to because for me, that’s the best way that i can live life and learn.

there’s no better time to live my life except now, right?

RIGHT!

you never really knew what you wanted, you wanted everything. If you could bake a million cakes for a million needy kids, you would change your mind at the last minute just so you could keep everything for yourself because if you knew that one cake was better than the other, you know you would regret giving that one single cake away to give to someone else- someone who proli needed it more than you. But i’m not some stupid cake you can keep all to yourself and give away when you’ve found the one you where looking for. in our case, i’m not just some cake you can keep because you like but aren’t sure about. i know what i want and i know now that it isn’t you. [stupid metaphors. i hate cake!] so i left you and i didn’t turn back. i forgot your number, i forgot what we had and left my mind empty so someone else, someone better could fill it in with things i wanted you to fill my head with.

but you- you i don’t understand. You said that you didn’t want to get back with HER because you knew she wasn’t the one. you said you didn’t want to be tied down to her the way you were. You said that you would only get back with her for me. Well, we’re obviously not an item anymore so WHY? i bet it’s because nobody else will take you and you know that. And you just can’t stand laying in bed at night knowing that you are alone. So you go running back to the first person you know will take you back. And you know that that will NEVER be me. not in a million years.

Don’t get me wrong, i’m not hurt. I’m mad because i thought you were better than that. but when we sum everything up, you are a guy and all guys are the same and well, you let her give her reasons to use the “i’m pregnant” excuse which you would never get with me and yes, you are after sex after all.

i guess i never really thought about what i actually have to do when i start working in the community. i never really thought that nursing was about service and shit, i was just always floating around waiting for people to tell me what to do and when to do it. I don’t even know how to freaking sweep floors for god’s sake! it is the most embarrassing thing ever- not knowing things you’re supposed to know. i felt like people thought i was some irresponsible brat or something. and yeah, it was verbalized by some of my members… 😦

but yeah, at first i was soo scared to do anything cuz i was scared to screw up. then once i did start doing something, i only did the things that could get my requirements for graduation done but then people starting in and you could tell that these people REALLY needed help. and then the workers there were soo welcoming despite the fact that they were so busy and don’t even get paid enough. they were soo willing to help and then it just made me realize that, i have a responsibility to do even if i don’t like nursing. it made me feel like I wanted to do something, i wanted to offer what i knew and what i actually could do. and then it just changed everything.

after duty, i was really tired but knowing that i accomplished so much in just one day made everything seem worth it. and then, for the first time ever, i actually said that i want to be a nurse.

i’m such a traitor.

so that’s that. we’ll see what’ll happen. it’s only been one day after all.

i guess i never really thought about what i actually have to do when i start working in the community. i never really thought that nursing was about service and shit, i was just always floating around waiting for people to tell me what to do and when to do it. I don’t even know how to freaking sweep floors for god’s sake! it is the most embarrassing thing ever- not knowing things you’re supposed to know. i felt like people thought i was some irresponsible brat or something. and yeah, it was verbalized by some of my members… 😦

but yeah, at first i was soo scared to do anything cuz i was scared to screw up. then once i did start doing something, i only did the things that could get my requirements for graduation done but then people starting in and you could tell that these people REALLY needed help. and then the workers there were soo welcoming despite the fact that they were so busy and don’t even get paid enough. they were soo willing to help and then it just made me realize that, i have a responsibility to do even if i don’t like nursing. it made me feel like I wanted to do something, i wanted to offer what i knew and what i actually could do. and then it just changed everything.

after duty, i was really tired but knowing that i accomplished so much in just one day made everything seem worth it. and then, for the first time ever, i actually said that i want to be a nurse.

i’m such a traitor.

so that’s that. we’ll see what’ll happen. it’s only been one day after all.

so you know that thing i do where i talk too much and say the wrong things and people get offended? yeah, i did that again. and now i’m like miley cyrus- everyone’s hating on me. well, not really, miley minus everything else. HAHA. and according to facebook i am a die hard lesbian lover who got raped or something. it’s absolutely ridiculous. honestly, if i got hit before, it happened already. i don’t have a problem talking about it because i learned from it and i grew from it. I grew from it enough to know which battles to fight and quite honestly, this isn’t one of those fights.

i just don’t wanna look back on this and be like, “wth that was so stupid i can’t believe i did that.” i have a little bit of me doing that already and i’m sorry but i HAVE to quote this, “two wrongs don’t make a right.” HAHAH. i feel like the biggest loser ever. i proli am one too. always have been one and yk, i don’t care. i’m happy like this.

i already did what i had to do and let’s just leave it at that. from what i know, if i said anything to hurt anyone, i talked it over and cleared things out. that’s all that really matters to me right now. i don’t do drama or scandals or catfights- that’s just not how i function. and like i’ve said so many times already, i just don’t have the time for it.

so THAT’S done. or not.

anywaaaays, i think i had a really good saturday if i sum everything up. i got everything done, i got to SLEEP and i spent time with the family. everything i could wish for in a regular day 🙂

so, i went to school basically for nothing. we didn’t have a single class the whole day! but i got to hang out with alex and we just talked about anything and everything. i kinda get why i can relate to her now and it kinda made me wish that i would’ve gotten to know her better before. it’s nice to know who your friends are.

aside from that, i had a really good conversation with well, someone, and i think it went well. well, i can only hope. I got to explain everything to her and i apologized which was just the right thing to do. she said it was ok but i know that maybe everything’s not completely ok and i won’t force it. she’s knows i’m sorry, she heard my side what else is there to do right?

then i went home and slept the whoooole day cause i was so tired from walking around school getting everything done for monday’s duty. i got assigned in Mantuyong and idk, you tell me. haha. i woke up with a headache and went to ayala with my family to watch This Is It with the siblings while the rents went on their own date. it was cutesy. And even if it’s a saturday and i’m home, i really don’t mind. Me and casey are gonna watch movies the whole night and wake up early for church tomorrow then me and mommy are going out on a date. yey. 🙂

i need some fucking humor in my life right now. lately it’s just been school and nothing more. I actually commute going home now and it’s a bitch. Sometimes i have someone to ride with, sometimes i don’t. and instead of my getting off at 5:30 every MWF, i get off at 6:30 since they decided to moved my physics class an hour later. NOT a good idea. but at least i can still take the class. it’s better than nothing, i guess.

anyways, so today there are some issues going on with me and some of my classmates particularly one

fuck it i cant do this there’s a big ass roach i might diue

i need some fucking humor in my life right now. lately it’s just been school and nothing more. I actually commute going home now and it’s a bitch. Sometimes i have someone to ride with, sometimes i don’t. and instead of my getting off at 5:30 every MWF, i get off at 6:30 since they decided to moved my physics class an hour later. NOT a good idea. but at least i can still take the class. it’s better than nothing, i guess.

anyways, so today there are some issues going on with me and some of my classmates particularly one

fuck it i cant do this there’s a big ass roach i might diue

so yeah, the bad:
i actually did fail PHYSICS. i mean who the hell fails physics. I’m so bummed i actually have to take that stupid class AGAIN. i hate this. plus this means i have to go home on my own every MWF. i hate commuting

the good:
i’m in Hannah’s class so at least i won’t be a complete  L O S E R

the bad:
school is so tiring

the good:
we’re still on “hsopital” duty so it’s basically us re learning our skills which is a good thing because i heard we actually have to do parentheral procedures and i failed my return demo. and plus i heard we have to de-louse some kids and that’s… bad.

the bad:
i officialy have no life

the good:
i get to concentrate on school.

the good:
MAG CAPPING NAKO!!!! 😀