Once upon a time, there was a little girl whom everyone loved. They loved her because she was obedient and pleased everyone and because she did everything everyone expected of her. If you asked her to dance- she would, if you told her that everything would be ok- she would believe it and she always tried her best not to disappoint anybody.

But one day that little girl grew up. She grew up the hard way and learned that you can never really trust anybody. She grew up to be a lady with a mind of her own and made her own decisions and learned from her mistakes. She saw the world a lot much differently from what she always pictured it would be- with all the glitter and glam. She grew up and decided that she was her own person who has a mind of her own and who was entitled to her own opinion. She realized that you may not be able to please everybody but at the same time she wasn’t going to try. If she was arrogant, outspoken, out of bounds, out of this world- she stood by it. If she had something to say- she would say it. Most of the time she talked without any remorse and cared less for the people who were affected by it- she believed in the freedom of speech. She was a lot of things but if there was one thing she wasn’t, it was a liar.

As she grew up and as she grew into the person she is today, she started to disappoint a lot of people. People liked the little girl more and couldn’t quite accept the fact that people change. They still just saw her as that little girl who had no right to anything. They probably thought she was stupid because half of the time, it came out that way.

And because I’m all grown up and people still see me as that little girl, I have been all kinds of nasty to them. Because they thought that opinions never change, that respect is something constant and instilled instead of something learned. They think I am out of line most of the time for having an opinion or for having feelings that they think I’m not allowed to have.

But the reality is, everyone started started out as a little girl and a little boy and we all just grew from there. We all made our mistakes, said our parts and etc. So before you start to say that I’m the bad person maybe you should look at yourselves. Isn’t it frustrating when people belittle you for being the person you are? am i such a bad person for having my own opinion and voicing it out the only way I know how? Call me a hypocrite but name one person who isn’t. I’m not a saint and I’m not self righteous and I would gladly enumerate my flaws.

When you point a finger remember 4 fat ugly fingers are pointing right back at you. I hope you keep that in mind so that the next time you point them… you make sure they’re clean.

Me and my big mouth. Or my hyper fingers. My brain that cannot control my body and my urges to blurt out everything.

I have a disease to want to fix everything and I just can’t keep quiet.

So now I’ve affected my family but in all honesty, I don’t regret it. God made a way for all of this.

Thank you!!

If i come to think of it, things could be worse… But they aren’t. My grandfather could be a vegetable right now or open his eyes in the morning and not even know who I was. Maybe he wouldn’t be able to sing when he was happy or scream in frustration. If I think about it really hard and play out the events of that day that led to today- he could even be dead.

People always say that God makes things happen for a reason and even if I’m not the strongest believer in God, I like to think that God has some role in this interesting turn of events. I like to think that through this humbling experience we’ve all learned as a family the importance of one another. I’ve realized how fake people can be and how you can take the rodent out of the streets but never the street out of the rodent.

I’ve learned how Pathetic people can be all for a little attention and sympathy- and how facebook can you make you sound like the best shit in the whole world when in reality you’re just a little piece of turd floating around in that filthy toilet. I’ve seen how giving my father is and how moms best decision was deciding to have a family with him. I’ve learned how much life can change in one split second without even giving you the opportunity to prepare yourself. I’ve come to terms with the fact that the people you used to look up to the most can be the most disappointing ones and that denial can be of no help. When change is happening and when your FATHER needs you, sitting in coffee shops, eating expensive dinners and dating numerous men cannot help. I wonder if you lay in bed at night and wonder who’s taking your dad’s blood pressure or if you can even name 5 medications that he’s taking. I wonder if the men you sleep with give a fuck about the person who raised you. I just hope that if they think of him, they don’t think that you are a reflection of how you were raised- he raised you better than that. Stop humiliating yourself.

Then again maybe I’m just biased and sour graping because here I am in the middle of the night wide awake making sure he doesn’t poop all over the floor. But like I said, things could’ve been worse. At the end of the day useless aunt aside, there’s no other place in the whole world I would want to be. Sure I miss my family and sure I miss my old life but when lolo smiles it’s the best thing in the world. When he kisses my hand after figuring out what he wants after 10 minutes, it makes me melt.

I cannot count the number of times I look at him and want to cry because I know he never wanted this. This isn’t the lolo I used to know and it never will be. A lot of times I want to ask him something that requires an intellectual answer because I know he’s the smartest person I know and forget that he can’t talk but even his jibberish sounds outstanding.

But things could be worse. Keep telling yourself that….

Maybe one day you might start to believe it.

Maybe some things happen for a reason and some people come into your life to remind you of what you have and how lucky you are to have it.

Maybe things happen so you get side tracked on purpose because sometimes it’s better to see things from a distance…

But why can’t I stop thinking about all the things I can’t have? And why do I sometimes think that I would be able to let go of those things in order to get something else?

oh the joys of being me.

Everyone keeps asking for a miracle. My lolo brought in a bottle of Divine Mercy water from who-knows-where in hopes that it’ll make my lolo better.

I did some fishing on a certain someone’s facebook account and found out that she has been communicating with my dad. Another person to get sympathy from, I suppose.

The thing that irritates me the most about people is how they always want more credit than they actually deserve. They think that the instant they do something good everyone should know and worship the ground they walk on. I would walk all over you if i had the chance too.

i hate everybody.

Dear God,

I don’t like saying prayers in my head because writing it down let’s me think about my prayers more. Which is how I think most prayers should be like- more thought through. So tonight after much delay, I am going to pray to a God I believe in even though I tend to be sceptical at of at times.

First of all, I would like to thank you for all the good things that has come about from this catastrophe. Our family has been brought together and we have learned to seek one another. I guess for me, I learned the value of family and how I shouldn’t wait until it’s too late. When I think about Lolo, I don’t think I regret how I treated him because he knew I love him. I always told him that and in my heart, he is always going to be my chocolate man.

Thank you Lord for giving me a miracle today. I never knew that a simple grasping of a hand could mean so much to me. I never expected that the little things like that would ever matter to me but they do and thank you for that. I know that I’ve been so negative the past few days and most of that is due to my fear of change. I just think that it’s too risky of a time to involve myself in the changing lifestyle, you know? Of course you do.

I hope things get better from here on. I mean, I kinda believe it more than I hope for it. Lolo is strong and he always has been. That’s one thing I know about him. And that kinda makes things a little bit better…

Maybe it’s just me but perhaps the whole world knows exactly when to pick on me. It’s kinda like the Mother Nature feeds on my vulnerability and as if the present situation isn’t a lot for me to handle already, it just gets worse.

At around 3 ‘o clock today, I had experienced my 2^nd anxiety attack after 5 years all because of bad timing (but I like to think it’s a lot more than just that.) You see, of all the times, of all the days and of all the topics we could’ve discussed, today was the day that we ventured into the mystery of everything that has damned our entire family- the almighty stroke.

I knew prior to the class that that was the topic. Yes, I considered skipping the class. Yes, I knew the chances of me breaking down. And yes, I knew for a fact that throughout the entire 5 hours of classroom discussion the only thing I would be able to think about was him and how while I’m learning about what it does to the body [which I already knew] and how to intervene certain nursing actions, all I really wanted to do was be with him and talk to him, hug him and tell him how much I love him and how much I love him more because now I get to take care of him.

I didn’t even last 30 minutes in there. It got to a point where I couldn’t write properly from the shaking and I couldn’t even think or see anything. I got light headed. I even felt kinda numb. In that instance, I even felt something in common with my Lolo because my left side started to feel a little numb. My exact thoughts were, “maybe if I get a stroke, Lolo will get better. I want this.” My voice choked and then I stumbled to hide in the bathroom away from the 80 something classmates who would never really completely understand.

And even though I was standing in a cubicle with an unflushed toilet crying up to my knees, I was kinda happy all that shit was happening to me. You see, I believe that at the end of a really bad day something good that will happen that will overshadow the bad things.

And whether or not something good actually happened, I learned something important from my papa today. Life is only as good as you let it be. It’s how you take the situation and use it to your advantage.

My Lolo held my hand, reached out for it and kept his eyes open for longer than he usually does. That was the best feeling in the world. To have something you didn’t expect happen and that gives me hope…

Maybe it’s just me but perhaps the whole world knows exactly when to pick on me. It’s kinda like the Mother Nature feeds on my vulnerability and as if the present situation isn’t a lot for me to handle already, it just gets worse.

At around 3 ‘o clock today, I had experienced my 2^nd anxiety attack after 5 years all because of bad timing (but I like to think it’s a lot more than just that.) You see, of all the times, of all the days and of all the topics we could’ve discussed, today was the day that we ventured into the mystery of everything that has damned our entire family- the almighty stroke.

I knew prior to the class that that was the topic. Yes, I considered skipping the class. Yes, I knew the chances of me breaking down. And yes, I knew for a fact that throughout the entire 5 hours of classroom discussion the only thing I would be able to think about was him and how while I’m learning about what it does to the body [which I already knew] and how to intervene certain nursing actions, all I really wanted to do was be with him and talk to him, hug him and tell him how much I love him and how much I love him more because now I get to take care of him.

I didn’t even last 30 minutes in there. It got to a point where I couldn’t write properly from the shaking and I couldn’t even think or see anything. I got light headed. I even felt kinda numb. In that instance, I even felt something in common with my Lolo because my left side started to feel a little numb. My exact thoughts were, “maybe if I get a stroke, Lolo will get better. I want this.” My voice choked and then I stumbled to hide in the bathroom away from the 80 something classmates who would never really completely understand.

And even though I was standing in a cubicle with an unflushed toilet crying up to my knees, I was kinda happy all that shit was happening to me. You see, I believe that at the end of a really bad day something good that will happen that will overshadow the bad things.

And whether or not something good actually happened, I learned something important from my papa today. Life is only as good as you let it be. It’s how you take the situation and use it to your advantage.

My Lolo held my hand, reached out for it and kept his eyes open for longer than he usually does. That was the best feeling in the world. To have something you didn’t expect happen and that gives me hope…

Without a doubt Related Learning Experience in the nursing field is the whacked thing ever. I mean, sure, they teach you the basics but what they fail to tell you is the reality.

They don’t tell you that patients WILL resist and almost even kill you for trying to stick a nasogastric tube up your nose.

They don’t tell you that in almost every setting family will be around watching your very move criticizing you for every minute detail.

They don’t tell you that it hurts. That it doesn’t just hurt for the patient but most especially for the people having to watch it.

I just wish that they gave us at least a heads up. I learned the hard way the return demos do not justify the real thing. We might as well be prepared and presented with the reality of such…