These lips of mine are going to get me into trouble one day.

Or it’ll just lead to an insatiably unmendable broken heart. Oh, I fear for myself so much. Issa please stop being so stupid.

I don’t mind saying it everyday, hell, I’d say it every second if it made you happy- if it makes you happy at all.

But it breaks me up inside knowing that I might not ever be able to hear it from you.

If you can feel it then you can say it. Or do I have to give you a reason to?

Because it all boils down to me feeling like I’ m just not good enough to be loved. Despite everything I’ve done, not even by you.

Samoka jud nako oi. Ako na gyud pinaka bogo. Pinaka tanga ug pinaka basa.

Kung sa tanan, kibaw ko ako ang pinaka grabeh mo pinangga nimo. Ako ang tao na ok ra ihatag tanan basta tarungon lang ko nimo.

Kung sa tanan kibaw ko ako ang pinaka alkansi.

And I’ve come to terms with that a long time ago. But just like what I do every single time, I just keep giving myself the benefit of the doubt. Hoping that you know, that one day things may change for me.

I’ll be ok tomorrow. It’s just that right now it’s kinda hard to sleep.

I don’t want your pity party.

I am only as happy as I allow myself to be.

I feel liberated.

Dear Alvin P. Chua:

If I’m going to stay angry at you then I’ll only be cheating myself. If I allow myself to let you hurt me effortlessly then I will always be the one at loss. If I’m always going to wait for you to want me then I’ll always be depriving myself from the people that actually do.

If I think about you too often then I will never give myself the chance to think about the more important things and quite frankly, thinking about you has never gotten me anywhere. I’ve tried waiting around for you and I look back now and realize that I could’ve done so much more than waste my time on someone I knew would never show up. But stupid me for waiting. It’s ok though, I’m only human.

So I’m sitting here reading your messages over and over again trying to figure out what in Gods name popped up inside your head to feel the need to contact me again. And if I think about it real hard, I’d like to think that you did that because if something horrible happened to me, you would never have the chance to do the things you’ve wanted to do to or for me deep inside your heart. But my logic here is, if you wanted a reconciliation, you would’ve acted upon it now- now that you have the chance to. Hell, you would’ve done something years ago. Fuck that, you never would’ve started this shit. You would’ve been a better father, you would’ve been a better person!

But everything’s done and I guess I can go to sleep better knowing that I am better than you because at the end of the day, I’m never going to look back at our relationship and say that I wish I tried harder because I did. If you were to die right now, I cannot say that I would mourn for you out of the thought that I never got to know you because it was never up to me. I’ll take you like how I take my relationships.

So I’m going to end this by saying THANK YOU. Not expecting that? No, it’s ok, you deserve it. After all, you have contributed to my life in one way or another. Good or bad, your existence has been appreciated.

I’m grateful that at one point in time, I passed your mind. I’m grateful of the lessons you’ve subconsciously taught me. And I’m most grateful that you are not my father after all because you are no good for me.

Compensation, I’m good at that too.

I’m not done yet..

This has got to be the dumbest I’ve ever felt in a while.

And I usually think so highly of my self… intellectually, of course.

I would very much like to turn into a rock right now. Thank you

You are so perfect and so kind; you put up with my shit and I obviously don’t deserve that. And what do I have to offer you but my heart that’s already been toyed with- will that ever be good good enough?

I’ve never felt so loved and understood by another person that these walls I insist on building feel nothing less than irrelevant. But forgive me anyways because these bad habits die hard. You make a lifetime feel so sweet that I feel awful for wanting all these things. Because naturally, nothing really lasts, does it?

I like you so much, I feel for you plenty that I’d give you more than what you want from me.

I hope that’s a handful of what you thought of me.

I Am Too Weird To Exist.

Exile…

I went out yesterday because I felt like I had to find myself. I saw how mad and how scared I was and what scared me the most was the fact that just being with you made all those feelings go away. It scared me that I couldn’t fix myself without you and for a while, I felt like I was dependent on you. And it didn’t sit with me too well.

So I felt like I had to lose myself for a while in order to somehow, find myself in the process. It wasn’t a very long quest, I figured because I never really lost myself, I was only… sidetracked.

And then I can to the realization of how lucky I am to have you. I once told you that I’ve been waking up for the past 3 months feeling the luckiest I’ve ever been. You’re my best friend, my worst enemy and you make me melt, weak in the knees, butterflies in my stomach, free as a bird and all those nice things. I’ve really never felt this loved before. Sometimes when we’re together I say to myself that if I had to be with you for the rest of my life, I really wouldn’t mind. But I’d rather not think so much about that. :3

You are so good for me in more ways than you know it and I hope that you feel the same way. I hope that you are as happy as I am and that you’re not too tired of me yet. I hope you never get tired of me or feel that someone else has something more to give you than I ever can.

Sometimes I think that I was so stupid to get into this relationship because I put myself in a very vulnerable position to get hurt. But I figured that there is pleasure in pain or whatever it is that they say and if it hurts, then I hope we’ll endure the pain together. Try to fix it, make a way and all those good things.

I don’t know if I’m good at showing it but you really do mean a lot to me. You make me smile and as selfish as I am, I’m not so selfish with you- I would say. I don’t know. Harhar.

I love you. Whatever love is. Whether I know what it is or not, at least that’s what it feels like in my heart.

Good night. I will miss you 🙂

Tie a red ribbon around your finger and never forget to remember who you are and where you’re heading to and everything you want in this life.

I am Jean Louise I. Perez

21 years old

A senior in college

Short and witty

Almost always angry

I long to be something more than what I am now

I secretly want to look older than I actually am

At the moment my brain is on hibernate mode ’til I’m out of college and actually have to use it for more useful things

I’m afraid of my own thoughts. Because it makes me realize how much I want this and wanting someone so much does not settle too good with me.

I am best with a drink in my hand

&& I think I need my life back.

Tie a red ribbon around your finger and never forget to remember who you are and where you’re heading to and everything you want in this life.

I am Jean Louise I. Perez

21 years old

A senior in college

Short and witty

Almost always angry

I long to be something more than what I am now

I secretly want to look older than I actually am

At the moment my brain is on hibernate mode ’til I’m out of college and actually have to use it for more useful things

I’m afraid of my own thoughts. Because it makes me realize how much I want this and wanting someone so much does not settle too good with me.

I am best with a drink in my hand

&& I think I need my life back.

I am fearful because even if I have nothing to lose, I could still lose everything.