I kind of hate myself for that emotional warfare I put myself, and everybody else, through for an entire year. I am utterly disgusted at the thought of how much I wanted to get married last year, with what?! with who?! Ugh, I am so sorry for that, internet and real life friends.

That ship has already sailed and thank God it did! I think for a while I forgot that I was still 23 years old and that I had so much time to figure out what I wanted and who I wanted to be- and that in the real world, people don’t get married right after college anymore!

Maybe for a while I forgot that I had so many dreams in life and that this was the only time I had to fulfill them. Maybe I fell in so much love that I forgot to love the things I used to love just as much. There are a million maybe’s to these babies but at least I can live my life without the fear of “not getting a proposal today”. This is all very real, my semi psychotic friends.

Yes, I still wanna get married at 25. Maybe get a proposal at 25, get hitched at 26, decide to have babies a couple of years later. I want the whole shebang! But who cares want I want in the future, I can hardly have the things I want now. So I might as well work on these things now.

Besides, I’m not the type of girl you marry.

I saw your pictures today and it made me feel so sad. I had to sit in my tiny corner of the room and try to pull myself together because the sight of you weakened me.

I was sad because it made me realize the things that I regret doing. I regret not being a better friend and for not being there when you needed to know who your true friends were. I regret putting my feelings first and thinking how awkward it was for me and how I kept saying “me” when I should’ve been thinking of you.

I am sorry and i will always be sorry and hopefully one day my sorries will be strong enough to lift you up and make things a little bit better.

Get well, Pao abd happy birthday!

Can we go back to loving each other? I was wrong and.stupid and I will always hate myself for that. Every dayI hate myself for all the mistakes I’ve made.

There has to be SOME logical explanation as to why it does not snow in the Philippines. 

I AM DA-INGGGG. get it? Daing. No? Ok.

What is it with people and their weird obsession with controlling one another?

I’m a force that cannot be reckoned with and I am most definitely not a thing you can OWN and much more CONTROL so I wonder… what the hell makes YOU think that YOU or ANYONE else can?? Weird. People.

It’s a poor way of to live, to assume that there are things you can do that instantly gives you control over people. It’s an even worse way to think that monetary subsidization automatically means that another person can control you. I’m a big girl, I think I can handle things on my own.

My mother, folks. She thinks I can be bought by her worse enemy. How confident are you… 

That is what I am.

THIS SUCKS!

How did I feel when I thought I was?

Scared. Like I wasn’t ready. Like a piece of shit.

How did I feel when I found out I wasn’t?

Sad. Like I actually wanted it. Like a piece of shit.

I never know what I want.

I need to buy those pants and that sandwich I’ve been wanting for soo long.

And then maybe I’ll make paolo french toast like I promised ^_^ YEY for Saturday!

Today I want to:

1. Clean the house

2. Spend time with family

3. Blog

4. Sketch

5. Finish my book

6. MAYBE get in some work

Everyone is always in such a hurry… that’s basically what’s been on my mind for the past two weeks. This is basically how I knew I has going to start this blog entry. Somehow, I need to figure out how to end it.

I was feeling a bit gloomy lately- without any logical reason to feel that way. I guess it’s a girl thing or my unending feeling of “uncontentment” [it’s not a word, I know.] or maybe it’s because I like to create drama in my life. Maybe it’s all those things.

I felt for a while that maybe it was because I had grown tired of my routine: work on weekdays, province on weekends and maybe something interesting would pop up in between. It occurred to me that maybe I was not getting the most out of life and maybe I just needed to get more out there… which to my surprised happened to be a night adventure at the back of a habal- habal. [I’ll think up of the most random shit when I’m “weird”]

Sure it was pure chance, sure it wasn’t premeditated… sure I had a choice NOT to get on that damn thing. But I sure as hell did it and traumatic thoughts and stories aside, I’m glad I did it.

Here’s what happened: I rode a habal-habal [motorcycle] at 9:30 in the evening from Badian to Car-car. That’s an hour and thirty minutes away and believe me, it felt longer.

I did it because it was new, I did it because I felt like I needed a sense of adventure, I did it because I was stupid but mostly, I did it because I wanted to go home. It was a long and scary ride/ drive because 1. I’m not from any of these places and 2. don’t be stupid, you know why it’s scary! lol

Looking back on it now, I probably wouldn’t do it again. I would not spend P400.00 on a machine of death, no siree. But I would do it again for the sky. I’d do it again so I can be scared and unsure. I’d do it again to feel those emotions, look up to a sky full of stars and feel… at peace. I wish there was a more dramatic way to say it. You had to be there!

Because everyone really is in such a hurry these days and it’s the rush, the hustle and the bustle that scares me. It’s that feeling that what if the whole world is rushing, moving forward, succeeding and here I am floating that pressures me. And I feel this way all the time, I guess I’ll keep feeling this way for a long time. And I know the fighter in me is gonna want to keep up and so I shall persist but I know I will always have the sky.

I just made you read 500 words about looking up. you fool.