That is what I am.

THIS SUCKS!

How did I feel when I thought I was?

Scared. Like I wasn’t ready. Like a piece of shit.

How did I feel when I found out I wasn’t?

Sad. Like I actually wanted it. Like a piece of shit.

I never know what I want.

I need to buy those pants and that sandwich I’ve been wanting for soo long.

And then maybe I’ll make paolo french toast like I promised ^_^ YEY for Saturday!

Today I want to:

1. Clean the house

2. Spend time with family

3. Blog

4. Sketch

5. Finish my book

6. MAYBE get in some work

Everyone is always in such a hurry… that’s basically what’s been on my mind for the past two weeks. This is basically how I knew I has going to start this blog entry. Somehow, I need to figure out how to end it.

I was feeling a bit gloomy lately- without any logical reason to feel that way. I guess it’s a girl thing or my unending feeling of “uncontentment” [it’s not a word, I know.] or maybe it’s because I like to create drama in my life. Maybe it’s all those things.

I felt for a while that maybe it was because I had grown tired of my routine: work on weekdays, province on weekends and maybe something interesting would pop up in between. It occurred to me that maybe I was not getting the most out of life and maybe I just needed to get more out there… which to my surprised happened to be a night adventure at the back of a habal- habal. [I’ll think up of the most random shit when I’m “weird”]

Sure it was pure chance, sure it wasn’t premeditated… sure I had a choice NOT to get on that damn thing. But I sure as hell did it and traumatic thoughts and stories aside, I’m glad I did it.

Here’s what happened: I rode a habal-habal [motorcycle] at 9:30 in the evening from Badian to Car-car. That’s an hour and thirty minutes away and believe me, it felt longer.

I did it because it was new, I did it because I felt like I needed a sense of adventure, I did it because I was stupid but mostly, I did it because I wanted to go home. It was a long and scary ride/ drive because 1. I’m not from any of these places and 2. don’t be stupid, you know why it’s scary! lol

Looking back on it now, I probably wouldn’t do it again. I would not spend P400.00 on a machine of death, no siree. But I would do it again for the sky. I’d do it again so I can be scared and unsure. I’d do it again to feel those emotions, look up to a sky full of stars and feel… at peace. I wish there was a more dramatic way to say it. You had to be there!

Because everyone really is in such a hurry these days and it’s the rush, the hustle and the bustle that scares me. It’s that feeling that what if the whole world is rushing, moving forward, succeeding and here I am floating that pressures me. And I feel this way all the time, I guess I’ll keep feeling this way for a long time. And I know the fighter in me is gonna want to keep up and so I shall persist but I know I will always have the sky.

I just made you read 500 words about looking up. you fool.

I love it when we play house. When I come home to you and I race to kiss you first but your lips are already ready for me.

I love it when we play house and you’re the messy one and I’m trying to… not.

I love that the house smells of bacon and I’m kind enough to put my manicure on outside.

I’m in love with the thought of cooking for you but if I had to clean the house everyday I think you’d need to give me more than just a walk-in closet.

I like that you can be in one room and I in another or we can be across the street from each other and I can still feel you.

One day you’ll walk in on me dancing around the room with my headphones on while I’m listening to Phoenix’s Too Young because I’m currently addicted to that song and one day, I’ll catch you trying my lipstick on and it will just be the best time of my life. You’ll not only know but will EXPERIENCE Issa of no bathingland but you will also experience the issa of leavemealone land. And God forbid to I ever have an encounter a paolo of supergassyland and paolo of doeverythingformeland.

We’re playing house like it’s something that’s second nature to us except I don’t know your dogs rituals yet and I don’t have a desk with a window with a view and my own desktop where I can write my Sunday mornings away. I have Pharell’s “Happy” on constant replay resounding in my head and you know what, it really isn’t a bad thing.

You really aren’t a bad thing.

sigh. I miss you.

And I just think that there is soo much on my plate right now. often times, too much

I am at an internet cafe in carcar. Yes, this is where I am at 8 in the morning.

It’s been like this for about 3-4 weeks already, me on the weekends in Car-car which is an hour away from the city. But at least I’m with Paolo.

I hate to say this but, I would go anywhere with him. 

I just want to see Paolo and be in a safe place.

I miss him. I miss him very much.