I Am Not The Girl You Marry

I kind of hate myself for that emotional warfare I put myself, and everybody else, through for an entire year. I am utterly disgusted at the thought of how much I wanted to get married last year, with what?! with who?! Ugh, I am so sorry for that, internet and real life friends.

That ship has already sailed and thank God it did! I think for a while I forgot that I was still 23 years old and that I had so much time to figure out what I wanted and who I wanted to be- and that in the real world, people don’t get married right after college anymore!

Maybe for a while I forgot that I had so many dreams in life and that this was the only time I had to fulfill them. Maybe I fell in so much love that I forgot to love the things I used to love just as much. There are a million maybe’s to these babies but at least I can live my life without the fear of “not getting a proposal today”. This is all very real, my semi psychotic friends.

Yes, I still wanna get married at 25. Maybe get a proposal at 25, get hitched at 26, decide to have babies a couple of years later. I want the whole shebang! But who cares want I want in the future, I can hardly have the things I want now. So I might as well work on these things now.

Besides, I’m not the type of girl you marry.

I saw your pictures today and it made me feel so sad. I had to sit in my tiny corner of the room and try to pull myself together because the sight of you weakened me.

I was sad because it made me realize the things that I regret doing. I regret not being a better friend and for not being there when you needed to know who your true friends were. I regret putting my feelings first and thinking how awkward it was for me and how I kept saying “me” when I should’ve been thinking of you.

I am sorry and i will always be sorry and hopefully one day my sorries will be strong enough to lift you up and make things a little bit better.

Get well, Pao abd happy birthday!

Control Freaks

What is it with people and their weird obsession with controlling one another?

I’m a force that cannot be reckoned with and I am most definitely not a thing you can OWN and much more CONTROL so I wonder… what the hell makes YOU think that YOU or ANYONE else can?? Weird. People.

It’s a poor way of to live, to assume that there are things you can do that instantly gives you control over people. It’s an even worse way to think that monetary subsidization automatically means that another person can control you. I’m a big girl, I think I can handle things on my own.

My mother, folks. She thinks I can be bought by her worse enemy. How confident are you…