“I don’t feel any preyshur right now…” NOT.

I truly feel like everyone I know and love is fully invested in my betterment and as much as it is heart warming, it is at the same time, extremely intimidating.

I got a bag a beautiful doctor’s bag and South Sea pearls from my grandmother who is rooting for me to clean up my act and be the best version of myself.

As a bribe to take her out on Thursday and in an effort to improve my wardrobe, my mother and aunt bought me beautiful clothes that are easily the best things I could have in my wardrobe.

My best friend, Alex and her boyfriend Jun, have been so gracious as to supply me with different creams and serums so that I can finally have a night and day time skin care regimen because I have developed premature eye wrinkles and they believe that I among everyone else should have nice skin. Mostly because they know it is time for me to start taking care of myself.

Jonas has been cheering me on and praising me when I feel like absolute crap. He says he’s proud of me when I feel like there’s not much to be proud of and he’s witnessed countless panic attacks which happen quite periodically. This gives me enough reason to believe that I am the most unstable human being in the universe and that I might as well be diagnosed with some form of schizophrenia. I really am mental.

I know that I have always been destined for something bigger, something great and as much as the preyshure should make me excited, I admit for the most part that it is scaring the shit out of me.

What if I never find that one thing that makes me great? What if I’m really not that great, after all? What if I’m just meant to spend the rest of my life thinking I’m gonna get my moment and it never actually happens? I cannot susi the situation and I wish that I could predict the future because that would make my life a lot easier.

I don’t want to disappoint anyone but most of all, I do not want to disappoint myself. But how do I do that when there are a lot of times that it is so hard to even just function?

I cannot wait for tomorrow.

Always wanted to die young because of its theatrics. People crying at your funeral saying “gone too soon” and “what a waste”. But I realize now that there are some things greater than a room full of people crying over an ended life- it’s a room full of lives you’ve touched and molded over the years.

My great grandmother passed away at 91 years old with 9 children, countless grandchildren and the list goes on … And it is from her that I have learned that life is definitely better when lived! Rest in peace, Lola Luz. You will be missed!

DENIAL

I am no longer oblivious of the fact that it is not and it was never you.

ACCEPTANCE

And I have been ok with the thought that it will never be you.

—

It’s been a long time coming and I’ve finally had the time and the heart to write the end of this series. I am unapologetic, I am fearless and I am finally free from the pain which comes with the thought of you.

I no longer look for you in familiar streets, I no longer miss the millions of memories I’ve shared with you in a million places I can never erase, I no longer miss you nor do I miss the thought of you… honestly, I don’t even remember you. Which is sad because I spent so much of my life with you. But it has truly come to that.

I am finally ok with knowing that I lost. I am ok knowing that we both failed but most of all, I am ok with the thought that it will never be me.

I am ok that we are strangers again and that we will never be friends.I am ok knowing that my world has to change completely while your life will always be the same.

I have finally accepted that it was as much as my fault as it was yours. I have accepted that if we were meant to be together then this never would have happened but it did but I know God has something greater for me so I am grateful that this happened. I am finally ok with the things that I cannot change- the years, the plans that never came through, the billions of feelings, the loss, the losing you… I am finally ok.

I thought this would be a lot harder to write, like how it was hard to get you out of the corner of my room were I carefully tucked you into. The books are hidden, the photos are gone and so is the pain I used to feel whenever I thought about you and with that, I am at peace and I hope you are, too. I am finally at peace with the thought of you.

Goodbye.

I need another sideline aside from ghosting for this wedding blog which cannot be named.

All the photos are so beautiful and it makes me cry every single time.

Weddings are so beautiful- I fucking hate them.

SLUTS LIKE YOU DON’T DESERVE ANYTHING NICE.

There is nothing I have to ask of/ from you

And

There is nothing I would change

But don’t say I never tried to bargain with you.

I keep having emotional lapses where I’m happy and then I am overcome with a great sadness that eventually reverts back to happiness. Is that weird? I have always been known to be weird… and slightly emotionally unstable. Haaay, Issa… you shit.

But it’s mostly when I’m driving with the windows down or whenever the sunlight hits my face or when I’m just sitting in silence by myself.

I am happy because I have made it this far, I am happy because I lived another day, I lived to tell the story.

The sun always makes me feel alive and I am grateful to be able to feel it piercing my skin. The wind doesn’t blow the way it used to- now I blow with it instead of against it and I finally feel like I am blowing in the right direction.

I hear the birds chirp now, the dogs bark, babies crying and it makes me feel alive.

But at the same time, it makes me extremely sad because there are still parts of me that are dead.

I grieve over the months (or perhaps years) I have spent dying and being dead. I cry over the parts of me that forgot to stay alive because I fear that I may never be able to bring those parts of me back to life.

I cry because I have died a million deaths and in each death, I recognize my killer.

But I know that the sun will keep shining and we all need the sun to make us grow… but I won’t blossom into the same plant. Hopefully, I will be more beautiful than the weed I turned out to be.

Suffering from a big bad writers block.

I’ll get back to you soon…

in the meantime…

WEEKEND.