so i guess thoughts in writting do work. haha. or maybe i wished just enough last night. haha. but i don’t think i’m going to wish for it again tonight. i don’t want too much of a good thing. plus last night just kinda seems too good to be true so i really don’t wanna get my hopes up too high.

i’m right where i wanna be. i just hope he’s right here next to me ;]
-mark anthony, anyone?

so anyways, i really don’t know if i had a good day or a bad day. i think i had an ok day. pacqiao won. that’s something to be happy about [although, i didn’t get to watch the fight on paperview so i really don’t care] i also got a new phone [grany’s updated to a colored phone so i get her 3310] and i watched ghost whisperer the whole day. i should be happy. 🙂

so, i guess i won’t go ruin the mood by talking about the bethany incident. lol. not pretty. hate chinese people in cebu. haha. sorry, ancestors i just don’t LOVE our blood. lol.

i’m gonna go i have a pink racket to find. casey’s taking up tennis now. swweet

just because i know that nothing in life is permanent or for sure, i just wanna say it before i don’t get the chance to.

i’m putting it in writting [or print, whatever] just so you know i’ve been wishing for it.

i hope i hear from you tonight cuz honestly, you’re what i look forward to in the morning even if i’m never going to let you know that. I just hope to hear from you and know that you were thinking about me and you wanted me to know that. I don’t wanna stop hearing from you as long as it doesn’t hurt. and right now, it doesn’t so just keep on coming, boy. Let’s give this a shot.

i’ve been praying for something but i’m not going to be blinded by you. slightly though, ok. whatever. you could be a keeper.

just because i know that nothing in life is permanent or for sure, i just wanna say it before i don’t get the chance to.

i’m putting it in writting [or print, whatever] just so you know i’ve been wishing for it.

i hope i hear from you tonight cuz honestly, you’re what i look forward to in the morning even if i’m never going to let you know that. I just hope to hear from you and know that you were thinking about me and you wanted me to know that. I don’t wanna stop hearing from you as long as it doesn’t hurt. and right now, it doesn’t so just keep on coming, boy. Let’s give this a shot.

i’ve been praying for something but i’m not going to be blinded by you. slightly though, ok. whatever. you could be a keeper.

i know i haven’t been updating in like.. forever but it’s cuz i’ve been busy. and yeah, i’ve been onlin a lot but i guess i just haven’t been in the mood to blog. i can’t think right is the problem. damn heat! lol.

i haven’t updated in a while. i’ve been busy with tennis and going out. ALOT. i have tennis to thank for that. I haven’t worked a single day this week and i’ve just realized that I HAVE to! lol.

i wrote this while i was in camotes. I had a lot of time for myself man gud and i guess the lack of signal was really a downer for me. well, at least i said it all and i’m done with him. i don’t have to feel bad anymore. and i don’t have to push the people i like away cuz i’m not gonna feel bad. scared, yes. really scared but i don’t want francis to have that big of an affect in my life. he’s just a boy, afterall.

Francis,

i honestly don’t know why i’m writing right now, of all the times and out of all the other chances i got. I guess writing this and letting it all out will help keep me sane. Maybe this will help me stop thinking about you and that night and what happened between us.. but especially, what didn’t. I know i’m stupid for not being able to move on until now. I don’t get it either but that’s the truth and you ought to hear it. I told myself that I’d do nothing and that eventually, I would be fine and I’d get over it but I know that deep down, I’m not because it’s still eating me up inside and I can’t take it anymore. I don’t mean to disturb your peace because you’re obviously doing great. I mean, why wouldn’t you? You got what you wanted, right? Don’t get me wrong, I don’t want you back nor do you and I don’t want to attack you either, if that’s what you think this is about because that’s the last thing this would be about. This is simply about closure abd me trying to get that cuz I don’t feel like I ever did. To be honest, nothing ever feels right anymore. And I’m not saying this to make you feel as bad as I do… I’m just doing this because it just feels like I need to. I’m soo tired of getting hurt and telling myself that someone’ll come and teach me that not everyone’s going to hurt me because if there’s one thing I’ve learned from this ride, it’s that the one’s that I think would never dream of hurting me are usually the ones who end up hurting me the most. You are exactly one of those people who make me feel soo small and scared and make me shut my doors to everything beautiful or everything/one who really wouldn’t hurt me. Not just the illusions, the real ones. And to be honest, I don’t wanna live that way. I don’t wanna be fooled. I just want to be loved and i just want to love, I just want to fall inlove and no be scared. For once I don’t want to just fall – i want to jump and fly. With you, I really thought I jumped unfortunately, that was just me. And i really don’t know if that’s a good thing or a bad thing because you were always different. You never made me feel special nor beautiful, I never had butterflies or any of those stuff with you. But I don’t think i’ve ever wanted to be with someone who’s made me feel soo annoyed and hurt as much as I wanted to be with you so either way, I stayed. I always waited around hoping that one day you would do all those things to me. I just can’t figure out if what you did saved me or not because, yeah, you did break my heart anyways. LOL.

Maybe you are more mature. Maybe you did see what I didn’t. Or maybe you didn’t see what I did. Cuz when i thought about us, I saw a real couple. I’m really not as shallow as you think I am, Franc. It was always just about you and honestly, I always kept it that way, focused on you.

I know you know that I was going to say YES. I was going to take a leap in my life. I was going to risk a lot to be with you but I guess that just wasn’t Gods plan for me cuz well, you know what you did, I don’t need to remind you.

But yeah, you just made it seem soo easy to leave and get out of what you started. and Jesus Christ, Franc, you couldn’t even say it to my face! I know it would’ve been hard but at least YOU would see me cry. Not your friends or mine.

Do you know how dumb I looked?! I thought it was going to be something I’d look forward to not something I’d still be crying about a month later. How do you think that’s fair for both of us? And yeah, I let you leave without any questions cuz I know that there is isn’t a real reason for goob-byes like that. You didn’t want to be with me and it was as simple as that. And now you’re gone and I’ve realized that Ihaven’t moved on yet and I haven’t moved on yet cuz I haven’t gotten the closure I need in order to do so. I haven’t done that until today because I didn’t want to. I didn’t want to move on because I was hoping you’d wanna jump for me. I guess a part of me was hoping that you’d wanna give us another shot. But I also knew that if what I was hoping for was going to come true, I  wasn’t going to risk another leap just to have the feeling of my heart broken again.

It’s funny how I’m saying this. I mean, I don’t believe in this. You put me in a daze, Franc. You really did. See, I believe in second chances. I just don’t think that everyone deserves one. And you left.. but I guess there was some part of me that stayed behind. And if I didn’t decide to write this, I would be very vulnerable to you and right now, that’s the last thing I want. Right now, I just want to live and maybe find someone else. I just want to forget about you and the chances of someone breaking my heart again. All I really want man gud is that one day,  I’d be with someone who’s sure he wants to be with me. I just don’t want to feel used anymore. You just made me feel soo used, Franc. That’s just the truth.

And hopefully, you’ll find/ have/ get all the things you need. I’m sure you will, too. I see how passionate yo are about all this stuff. Hopefully one of these days I’ll see you at the “top” and hopefully you’ll be happy and content. I knoq you said it’s a dangerous and lonely place but it doesn’t have to be that way for you. You have to make your life and your plans work for you. And I know you will. Just so you know, I’m not mad. When I bitched at you that one time, I was just pushing you away. Yeah, I do that. And also, I’m not expecting a reply so don’t feel obliged to. But if you do, we could always talk. I’d like that.

You just concentrate on whatever it is you need to concentrate on and I’ll just live my life. You’re always in my prayers and I wish you nothing but the best.

issa chua

-camotes island.
Black saturday

typos? deal with it. i’m dunzo! 😀

i wrote this while i was in camotes. I had a lot of time for myself man gud and i guess the lack of signal was really a downer for me. well, at least i said it all and i’m done with him. i don’t have to feel bad anymore. and i don’t have to push the people i like away cuz i’m not gonna feel bad. scared, yes. really scared but i don’t want francis to have that big of an affect in my life. he’s just a boy, afterall.

Francis,

i honestly don’t know why i’m writing right now, of all the times and out of all the other chances i got. I guess writing this and letting it all out will help keep me sane. Maybe this will help me stop thinking about you and that night and what happened between us.. but especially, what didn’t. I know i’m stupid for not being able to move on until now. I don’t get it either but that’s the truth and you ought to hear it. I told myself that I’d do nothing and that eventually, I would be fine and I’d get over it but I know that deep down, I’m not because it’s still eating me up inside and I can’t take it anymore. I don’t mean to disturb your peace because you’re obviously doing great. I mean, why wouldn’t you? You got what you wanted, right? Don’t get me wrong, I don’t want you back nor do you and I don’t want to attack you either, if that’s what you think this is about because that’s the last thing this would be about. This is simply about closure abd me trying to get that cuz I don’t feel like I ever did. To be honest, nothing ever feels right anymore. And I’m not saying this to make you feel as bad as I do… I’m just doing this because it just feels like I need to. I’m soo tired of getting hurt and telling myself that someone’ll come and teach me that not everyone’s going to hurt me because if there’s one thing I’ve learned from this ride, it’s that the one’s that I think would never dream of hurting me are usually the ones who end up hurting me the most. You are exactly one of those people who make me feel soo small and scared and make me shut my doors to everything beautiful or everything/one who really wouldn’t hurt me. Not just the illusions, the real ones. And to be honest, I don’t wanna live that way. I don’t wanna be fooled. I just want to be loved and i just want to love, I just want to fall inlove and no be scared. For once I don’t want to just fall – i want to jump and fly. With you, I really thought I jumped unfortunately, that was just me. And i really don’t know if that’s a good thing or a bad thing because you were always different. You never made me feel special nor beautiful, I never had butterflies or any of those stuff with you. But I don’t think i’ve ever wanted to be with someone who’s made me feel soo annoyed and hurt as much as I wanted to be with you so either way, I stayed. I always waited around hoping that one day you would do all those things to me. I just can’t figure out if what you did saved me or not because, yeah, you did break my heart anyways. LOL.

Maybe you are more mature. Maybe you did see what I didn’t. Or maybe you didn’t see what I did. Cuz when i thought about us, I saw a real couple. I’m really not as shallow as you think I am, Franc. It was always just about you and honestly, I always kept it that way, focused on you.

I know you know that I was going to say YES. I was going to take a leap in my life. I was going to risk a lot to be with you but I guess that just wasn’t Gods plan for me cuz well, you know what you did, I don’t need to remind you.

But yeah, you just made it seem soo easy to leave and get out of what you started. and Jesus Christ, Franc, you couldn’t even say it to my face! I know it would’ve been hard but at least YOU would see me cry. Not your friends or mine.

Do you know how dumb I looked?! I thought it was going to be something I’d look forward to not something I’d still be crying about a month later. How do you think that’s fair for both of us? And yeah, I let you leave without any questions cuz I know that there is isn’t a real reason for goob-byes like that. You didn’t want to be with me and it was as simple as that. And now you’re gone and I’ve realized that Ihaven’t moved on yet and I haven’t moved on yet cuz I haven’t gotten the closure I need in order to do so. I haven’t done that until today because I didn’t want to. I didn’t want to move on because I was hoping you’d wanna jump for me. I guess a part of me was hoping that you’d wanna give us another shot. But I also knew that if what I was hoping for was going to come true, I  wasn’t going to risk another leap just to have the feeling of my heart broken again.

It’s funny how I’m saying this. I mean, I don’t believe in this. You put me in a daze, Franc. You really did. See, I believe in second chances. I just don’t think that everyone deserves one. And you left.. but I guess there was some part of me that stayed behind. And if I didn’t decide to write this, I would be very vulnerable to you and right now, that’s the last thing I want. Right now, I just want to live and maybe find someone else. I just want to forget about you and the chances of someone breaking my heart again. All I really want man gud is that one day,  I’d be with someone who’s sure he wants to be with me. I just don’t want to feel used anymore. You just made me feel soo used, Franc. That’s just the truth.

And hopefully, you’ll find/ have/ get all the things you need. I’m sure you will, too. I see how passionate yo are about all this stuff. Hopefully one of these days I’ll see you at the “top” and hopefully you’ll be happy and content. I knoq you said it’s a dangerous and lonely place but it doesn’t have to be that way for you. You have to make your life and your plans work for you. And I know you will. Just so you know, I’m not mad. When I bitched at you that one time, I was just pushing you away. Yeah, I do that. And also, I’m not expecting a reply so don’t feel obliged to. But if you do, we could always talk. I’d like that.

You just concentrate on whatever it is you need to concentrate on and I’ll just live my life. You’re always in my prayers and I wish you nothing but the best.

issa chua

-camotes island.
Black saturday

typos? deal with it. i’m dunzo! 😀

leaving for camotes tomorrow. spent the day working out and swimming with nina. went home at around 4, played super mario and now i’m packing.

updates now. mwaaah

god, it is sooooo hot here. i think i’m really going to die from heat stroke!

everyone in my family is driving me nuts! my mom has been being a complete bitch to me, my papa well, whatever. it’s basically just my mom. she’s been an absolute pain in the ass. she’s been coming in and out of the room to check what i’m doing on the pc, interupting me during my phone calls to comment and shit. omg i hate her soo fucking much i could lax her! like this morning, i was talking to alexa and i said, omg ka bastos ana nila oie. that’s so harsh. and then she butts in and says,” HOI GI AWAY KA?!” i mean, ka klaro anang wala. fuck her, man. and she been bugging the hell out of me, i am soo sick of  her.

she won’t let me go out cuz she always brings last saturday up. “hoi, don’t forget what happened last saturday na hapit tika gi opoawan!” jesus christ, lady. so are we just going to keep bringing saturday night up? god. SOMEONE KILL HER FOR ME!!!

now i’m getting the impression that i’m going to hate this summer all because of her. i mean, omg, she is such a bitch. it’s getting really hard to pretend that i’m not annoyed. i am literally digging my nails into my skin as i am typing this because OMG, SHE IS ONE HELL OF A MOM.

ejwehgbfyjhgdafbrjhfbijrdsfbhsd hvklerjhg liuuifiuoeioeuweiwuif.

and then there’s ren. sorry but i’m really not interested. i mean, if i was i would reply sensibly. ambot kev oie. he’s really the kind of guy na ambot.. you can just sense the desperation in him which is exactly why i don’t reply to him and if i do. sos. ambot nalang jud.

and besides, if that boy’s just looking for a summer fling then i’d rather not wasting my time because that’s not what i want. I’VE SAID IT TOO MANY FUCKING TIMES SO GOD WHY WON’T YOU GIVE IT TO ME?!

i’m dying.