i know i haven’t been updating in like.. forever but it’s cuz i’ve been busy. and yeah, i’ve been onlin a lot but i guess i just haven’t been in the mood to blog. i can’t think right is the problem. damn heat! lol.

i haven’t updated in a while. i’ve been busy with tennis and going out. ALOT. i have tennis to thank for that. I haven’t worked a single day this week and i’ve just realized that I HAVE to! lol.

i wrote this while i was in camotes. I had a lot of time for myself man gud and i guess the lack of signal was really a downer for me. well, at least i said it all and i’m done with him. i don’t have to feel bad anymore. and i don’t have to push the people i like away cuz i’m not gonna feel bad. scared, yes. really scared but i don’t want francis to have that big of an affect in my life. he’s just a boy, afterall.

Francis,

i honestly don’t know why i’m writing right now, of all the times and out of all the other chances i got. I guess writing this and letting it all out will help keep me sane. Maybe this will help me stop thinking about you and that night and what happened between us.. but especially, what didn’t. I know i’m stupid for not being able to move on until now. I don’t get it either but that’s the truth and you ought to hear it. I told myself that I’d do nothing and that eventually, I would be fine and I’d get over it but I know that deep down, I’m not because it’s still eating me up inside and I can’t take it anymore. I don’t mean to disturb your peace because you’re obviously doing great. I mean, why wouldn’t you? You got what you wanted, right? Don’t get me wrong, I don’t want you back nor do you and I don’t want to attack you either, if that’s what you think this is about because that’s the last thing this would be about. This is simply about closure abd me trying to get that cuz I don’t feel like I ever did. To be honest, nothing ever feels right anymore. And I’m not saying this to make you feel as bad as I do… I’m just doing this because it just feels like I need to. I’m soo tired of getting hurt and telling myself that someone’ll come and teach me that not everyone’s going to hurt me because if there’s one thing I’ve learned from this ride, it’s that the one’s that I think would never dream of hurting me are usually the ones who end up hurting me the most. You are exactly one of those people who make me feel soo small and scared and make me shut my doors to everything beautiful or everything/one who really wouldn’t hurt me. Not just the illusions, the real ones. And to be honest, I don’t wanna live that way. I don’t wanna be fooled. I just want to be loved and i just want to love, I just want to fall inlove and no be scared. For once I don’t want to just fall – i want to jump and fly. With you, I really thought I jumped unfortunately, that was just me. And i really don’t know if that’s a good thing or a bad thing because you were always different. You never made me feel special nor beautiful, I never had butterflies or any of those stuff with you. But I don’t think i’ve ever wanted to be with someone who’s made me feel soo annoyed and hurt as much as I wanted to be with you so either way, I stayed. I always waited around hoping that one day you would do all those things to me. I just can’t figure out if what you did saved me or not because, yeah, you did break my heart anyways. LOL.

Maybe you are more mature. Maybe you did see what I didn’t. Or maybe you didn’t see what I did. Cuz when i thought about us, I saw a real couple. I’m really not as shallow as you think I am, Franc. It was always just about you and honestly, I always kept it that way, focused on you.

I know you know that I was going to say YES. I was going to take a leap in my life. I was going to risk a lot to be with you but I guess that just wasn’t Gods plan for me cuz well, you know what you did, I don’t need to remind you.

But yeah, you just made it seem soo easy to leave and get out of what you started. and Jesus Christ, Franc, you couldn’t even say it to my face! I know it would’ve been hard but at least YOU would see me cry. Not your friends or mine.

Do you know how dumb I looked?! I thought it was going to be something I’d look forward to not something I’d still be crying about a month later. How do you think that’s fair for both of us? And yeah, I let you leave without any questions cuz I know that there is isn’t a real reason for goob-byes like that. You didn’t want to be with me and it was as simple as that. And now you’re gone and I’ve realized that Ihaven’t moved on yet and I haven’t moved on yet cuz I haven’t gotten the closure I need in order to do so. I haven’t done that until today because I didn’t want to. I didn’t want to move on because I was hoping you’d wanna jump for me. I guess a part of me was hoping that you’d wanna give us another shot. But I also knew that if what I was hoping for was going to come true, I  wasn’t going to risk another leap just to have the feeling of my heart broken again.

It’s funny how I’m saying this. I mean, I don’t believe in this. You put me in a daze, Franc. You really did. See, I believe in second chances. I just don’t think that everyone deserves one. And you left.. but I guess there was some part of me that stayed behind. And if I didn’t decide to write this, I would be very vulnerable to you and right now, that’s the last thing I want. Right now, I just want to live and maybe find someone else. I just want to forget about you and the chances of someone breaking my heart again. All I really want man gud is that one day,  I’d be with someone who’s sure he wants to be with me. I just don’t want to feel used anymore. You just made me feel soo used, Franc. That’s just the truth.

And hopefully, you’ll find/ have/ get all the things you need. I’m sure you will, too. I see how passionate yo are about all this stuff. Hopefully one of these days I’ll see you at the “top” and hopefully you’ll be happy and content. I knoq you said it’s a dangerous and lonely place but it doesn’t have to be that way for you. You have to make your life and your plans work for you. And I know you will. Just so you know, I’m not mad. When I bitched at you that one time, I was just pushing you away. Yeah, I do that. And also, I’m not expecting a reply so don’t feel obliged to. But if you do, we could always talk. I’d like that.

You just concentrate on whatever it is you need to concentrate on and I’ll just live my life. You’re always in my prayers and I wish you nothing but the best.

issa chua

-camotes island.
Black saturday

typos? deal with it. i’m dunzo! 😀

i wrote this while i was in camotes. I had a lot of time for myself man gud and i guess the lack of signal was really a downer for me. well, at least i said it all and i’m done with him. i don’t have to feel bad anymore. and i don’t have to push the people i like away cuz i’m not gonna feel bad. scared, yes. really scared but i don’t want francis to have that big of an affect in my life. he’s just a boy, afterall.

Francis,

i honestly don’t know why i’m writing right now, of all the times and out of all the other chances i got. I guess writing this and letting it all out will help keep me sane. Maybe this will help me stop thinking about you and that night and what happened between us.. but especially, what didn’t. I know i’m stupid for not being able to move on until now. I don’t get it either but that’s the truth and you ought to hear it. I told myself that I’d do nothing and that eventually, I would be fine and I’d get over it but I know that deep down, I’m not because it’s still eating me up inside and I can’t take it anymore. I don’t mean to disturb your peace because you’re obviously doing great. I mean, why wouldn’t you? You got what you wanted, right? Don’t get me wrong, I don’t want you back nor do you and I don’t want to attack you either, if that’s what you think this is about because that’s the last thing this would be about. This is simply about closure abd me trying to get that cuz I don’t feel like I ever did. To be honest, nothing ever feels right anymore. And I’m not saying this to make you feel as bad as I do… I’m just doing this because it just feels like I need to. I’m soo tired of getting hurt and telling myself that someone’ll come and teach me that not everyone’s going to hurt me because if there’s one thing I’ve learned from this ride, it’s that the one’s that I think would never dream of hurting me are usually the ones who end up hurting me the most. You are exactly one of those people who make me feel soo small and scared and make me shut my doors to everything beautiful or everything/one who really wouldn’t hurt me. Not just the illusions, the real ones. And to be honest, I don’t wanna live that way. I don’t wanna be fooled. I just want to be loved and i just want to love, I just want to fall inlove and no be scared. For once I don’t want to just fall – i want to jump and fly. With you, I really thought I jumped unfortunately, that was just me. And i really don’t know if that’s a good thing or a bad thing because you were always different. You never made me feel special nor beautiful, I never had butterflies or any of those stuff with you. But I don’t think i’ve ever wanted to be with someone who’s made me feel soo annoyed and hurt as much as I wanted to be with you so either way, I stayed. I always waited around hoping that one day you would do all those things to me. I just can’t figure out if what you did saved me or not because, yeah, you did break my heart anyways. LOL.

Maybe you are more mature. Maybe you did see what I didn’t. Or maybe you didn’t see what I did. Cuz when i thought about us, I saw a real couple. I’m really not as shallow as you think I am, Franc. It was always just about you and honestly, I always kept it that way, focused on you.

I know you know that I was going to say YES. I was going to take a leap in my life. I was going to risk a lot to be with you but I guess that just wasn’t Gods plan for me cuz well, you know what you did, I don’t need to remind you.

But yeah, you just made it seem soo easy to leave and get out of what you started. and Jesus Christ, Franc, you couldn’t even say it to my face! I know it would’ve been hard but at least YOU would see me cry. Not your friends or mine.

Do you know how dumb I looked?! I thought it was going to be something I’d look forward to not something I’d still be crying about a month later. How do you think that’s fair for both of us? And yeah, I let you leave without any questions cuz I know that there is isn’t a real reason for goob-byes like that. You didn’t want to be with me and it was as simple as that. And now you’re gone and I’ve realized that Ihaven’t moved on yet and I haven’t moved on yet cuz I haven’t gotten the closure I need in order to do so. I haven’t done that until today because I didn’t want to. I didn’t want to move on because I was hoping you’d wanna jump for me. I guess a part of me was hoping that you’d wanna give us another shot. But I also knew that if what I was hoping for was going to come true, I  wasn’t going to risk another leap just to have the feeling of my heart broken again.

It’s funny how I’m saying this. I mean, I don’t believe in this. You put me in a daze, Franc. You really did. See, I believe in second chances. I just don’t think that everyone deserves one. And you left.. but I guess there was some part of me that stayed behind. And if I didn’t decide to write this, I would be very vulnerable to you and right now, that’s the last thing I want. Right now, I just want to live and maybe find someone else. I just want to forget about you and the chances of someone breaking my heart again. All I really want man gud is that one day,  I’d be with someone who’s sure he wants to be with me. I just don’t want to feel used anymore. You just made me feel soo used, Franc. That’s just the truth.

And hopefully, you’ll find/ have/ get all the things you need. I’m sure you will, too. I see how passionate yo are about all this stuff. Hopefully one of these days I’ll see you at the “top” and hopefully you’ll be happy and content. I knoq you said it’s a dangerous and lonely place but it doesn’t have to be that way for you. You have to make your life and your plans work for you. And I know you will. Just so you know, I’m not mad. When I bitched at you that one time, I was just pushing you away. Yeah, I do that. And also, I’m not expecting a reply so don’t feel obliged to. But if you do, we could always talk. I’d like that.

You just concentrate on whatever it is you need to concentrate on and I’ll just live my life. You’re always in my prayers and I wish you nothing but the best.

issa chua

-camotes island.
Black saturday

typos? deal with it. i’m dunzo! 😀

leaving for camotes tomorrow. spent the day working out and swimming with nina. went home at around 4, played super mario and now i’m packing.

updates now. mwaaah

god, it is sooooo hot here. i think i’m really going to die from heat stroke!

everyone in my family is driving me nuts! my mom has been being a complete bitch to me, my papa well, whatever. it’s basically just my mom. she’s been an absolute pain in the ass. she’s been coming in and out of the room to check what i’m doing on the pc, interupting me during my phone calls to comment and shit. omg i hate her soo fucking much i could lax her! like this morning, i was talking to alexa and i said, omg ka bastos ana nila oie. that’s so harsh. and then she butts in and says,” HOI GI AWAY KA?!” i mean, ka klaro anang wala. fuck her, man. and she been bugging the hell out of me, i am soo sick of  her.

she won’t let me go out cuz she always brings last saturday up. “hoi, don’t forget what happened last saturday na hapit tika gi opoawan!” jesus christ, lady. so are we just going to keep bringing saturday night up? god. SOMEONE KILL HER FOR ME!!!

now i’m getting the impression that i’m going to hate this summer all because of her. i mean, omg, she is such a bitch. it’s getting really hard to pretend that i’m not annoyed. i am literally digging my nails into my skin as i am typing this because OMG, SHE IS ONE HELL OF A MOM.

ejwehgbfyjhgdafbrjhfbijrdsfbhsd hvklerjhg liuuifiuoeioeuweiwuif.

and then there’s ren. sorry but i’m really not interested. i mean, if i was i would reply sensibly. ambot kev oie. he’s really the kind of guy na ambot.. you can just sense the desperation in him which is exactly why i don’t reply to him and if i do. sos. ambot nalang jud.

and besides, if that boy’s just looking for a summer fling then i’d rather not wasting my time because that’s not what i want. I’VE SAID IT TOO MANY FUCKING TIMES SO GOD WHY WON’T YOU GIVE IT TO ME?!

i’m dying.

everyone in my family is driving me nuts! my mom has been being a complete bitch to me, my papa well, whatever. it’s basically just my mom. she’s been an absolute pain in the ass. she’s been coming in and out of the room to check what i’m doing on the pc, interupting me during my phone calls to comment and shit. omg i hate her soo fucking much i could lax her! like this morning, i was talking to alexa and i said, omg ka bastos ana nila oie. that’s so harsh. and then she butts in and says,” HOI GI AWAY KA?!” i mean, ka klaro anang wala. fuck her, man. and she been bugging the hell out of me, i am soo sick of  her.

she won’t let me go out cuz she always brings last saturday up. “hoi, don’t forget what happened last saturday na hapit tika gi opoawan!” jesus christ, lady. so are we just going to keep bringing saturday night up? god. SOMEONE KILL HER FOR ME!!!

now i’m getting the impression that i’m going to hate this summer all because of her. i mean, omg, she is such a bitch. it’s getting really hard to pretend that i’m not annoyed. i am literally digging my nails into my skin as i am typing this because OMG, SHE IS ONE HELL OF A MOM.

ejwehgbfyjhgdafbrjhfbijrdsfbhsd hvklerjhg liuuifiuoeioeuweiwuif.

and then there’s ren. sorry but i’m really not interested. i mean, if i was i would reply sensibly. ambot kev oie. he’s really the kind of guy na ambot.. you can just sense the desperation in him which is exactly why i don’t reply to him and if i do. sos. ambot nalang jud.

and besides, if that boy’s just looking for a summer fling then i’d rather not wasting my time because that’s not what i want. I’VE SAID IT TOO MANY FUCKING TIMES SO GOD WHY WON’T YOU GIVE IT TO ME?!

i’m dying.

 i don’t know. i just felt like changing my layout. does it look issa like? kev. you’ll have to start proping me cuz you know. there’s obviously no more comment box. or i’ll change again. holdon.

paseo update

it’s just like in the movies. a teenager wants to explore
the big bad world at the wrong time, she screws up and her parents come to
rescue her and save the day. but no wrong decisions go unpunished and she ends
up grounded and with a lesson that she’ll remember for the rest of her life.

I feel like I’ve seen an episode of this on unfabulous.
You know that episode where addie’s wearing the underpants that says Tuesday on
em? Lol. Well, at least I know what I’m talking about. lol

i’m not in a hurry to grow up anymore. i know i’ll have my time and i know that
3 am is waaaaay past curfew. i’m not doing THAT again for a very long time.
lol.

saturday is definitely going to be one of those things i’ll remember for a very
long time not because i finally got to go to paseo but because it taught me
something i’m very fortunate to know right now.

so apparently, paseo is the new vudu or something. not quite, though i wouldn’t
know cuz i haven’t been to vudu yet. lol. i bet i’d loose my shoes AND my morals
there [laguna beach, anyone?] haha. Anyways, so me and the girls decided we’d
go and hang out, have fun, celebrate summer, blah blah blah. i thought it’d be
great. i had a very rude awakening.

i went there for a lot of reasons. i know i went there cuz i needed to
socialize [follow up on the i need to be less judgemental blog] and because i
felt that i NEEDED a night out and well, i know i wanted to go cuz everyone
else was going. i mean, duh. haha. i hung out at this table with a bunch a usc
high school boys. god, i know why i don’t have friends from there. those guys
are too self consumed and don’t know how to be nice. either that or.. it was me
and my bitch face again. but hey, they all looked like sick mother fucking
drunkards anyways. i don’t need them.

i did have fun though. it was reggae night and everyone who was there looked
like they were high or stereotyped. lol. i know i used that in the wrong sense.
ok let’s try identically challenged. hiphoppers were singing to bob marley
songs and emo boys were jumping up and down in rhymitical patterns. up DOWN up
DOWN up DOWN. jesus christ. i had fun mocking them to be honest and i had fun
mimicking them and dancing with my friends of course. lol.

Anyways, as the night went along, things went horribly wrong and freaky.

i ran into Francis.
My mom’s friend was there
i got stepped on.
This random guy grabbed me and tried to talk to me.
Someone thought i was Chinese. Well, i am. but like, Chinese in a sense na i
don’t speak English kind of Chinese. his exact words, “KUNICHIHUA, GUA AI
DI”
an Iranian looking guy came up to me and tried to be slick
i ran out of load
nikki had my wallet
my ride went home with her boyfriend
and i was screwed

that night was soo overwhelming gyud. Like, i know that i was in a situation
where i was completely helpless and i really didn’t know what to do.

i realized that there are such things as fair weathered friends and that i
can’t always count on my “friends” to help me when i need them the
most. I’m not keeping them. lol.

i learned that i always have to have a back up plan and that family should
always be an option.

i also learned the importance of carrying a bag around so i won’t end up
leaving my things with someone else. in my case, a wallet. GEEZ!

And i also learned that i shouldn’t be in a hurry to grow up. i know that I’m
going to have my time to go party and i won’t be too old to do that and i am, i
shouldn’t really care, right? i mean, 22 isn’t old.. right? /:| haha. i don’t
know. i just know that i shouldn’t care too much about stupid stuff. i tend to
not care bout real stuff but i care too much about superficial stuff. geez. How
did my mom raise me? btw. i still hate her.

So now. Because of my actions, i am no longer allowed to party at night. and i
have to work for all my summer activities. screeew!!!

but ok, this is my “stragol”. God, i love that word.

And I’m also grounded for my shout out sa friendster.

“Fuck
your own man”

I BLAME KC!

Good-bye and good
night ♥

i didn’t
leave so you could chase me.
i left because you never gave me a good reason
to just
stay put.