I heard from the grapevine that Xanga, which is my original blogging platform, will be shutting down in a few months. But then again, this comes with an exemption. If they can raise a few hundred thousands then all our teenage angst filled posts will be saved.

I’ve had http://www.xanga.com/aa_bebe_phat_aa for 10 years already and I’m desperate to save it. It is my entire childhood and I’m a bit sentimental like that.

So this is me saving one of the most important things in my life. My blog.

And then I’ll probably continue word vomiting here.

You have all been forewarned.

I love you so much that it is honestly very scary.

I love you that sometimes I look at you and I feel like I could love you for the rest of my life.

Like I could watch you grow old, bald, with a pot belly and it would be the most beautiful sight in the world. You know, to have seen you age so graciously.

I love you in a way that I’d want to cook breakfast for you and make sure your clothes are ready in the morning and your shoes are shined. I love you in a way that I would want to make your day happy and when it’s not, I’d like to be the person to change that.

I love you that it’s really scary. Scary because I didn’t really know that you could have these feelings. Because I’ve never had these feelings.

I love you in a way that I pray that God fixes me. I pray that I can fix myself. I pray that I can be that person for you. That I can be someone strong enough for you. Someone smart enough. Someone responsible enough. Someone who is enough. Someone you can look at and be proud of. Someone you can smile about.

I love you.I love you in a what the hell happened to me kind of way. I love you in a- that is so completely not me kind of way.

I love you so much that I just made the crappiest love letter ever. And there is nowhere to insert my poor humor.

That’s what you do to me.

I guess we all have our own set of struggles.

I’m battling thoughts of spending money on an origami skirt and an off shoulder shirt thingy which will totally give me that girly vibe I’ve been dying to achieve. While at the same time, I am also trying to figure out what is more important to me- food or clothes.

My friend is up at almost 1:00 pm rattling her brain over her boyfriend while another friend isn’t quite sure about what she wants anymore.

Meanwhile, somewhere in the world, there is probably someone who has it much much worse than we do.

Somewhere, someone is most likely dying.

I think I’m going to savor worrying and being sad about not being able to afford a skort I could totally afford if I didn’t eat for a day. Who knows, maybe tomorrow I’ll be worried about something much much worse.

But for now, I want that origami skort, that top, those shoes and high waste printed shorts.

For now.

There’s something about honesty that can be quite liberating.

Especially when you are being honest with yourself.

Maybe the reason why people are so scared of being honest is because secrets are a reminder that we actually have something to lose. It makes us vulnerable, humble and maybe, just maybe, these are things that remind us that we are alive.

Maybe we hold on, as selfish as it may seem, because we don’t want to let go of the things that oftentimes, aren’t supposed to be ours anymore.

Then again, maybe sometimes we hide skeletons in our closets because that’s where they are meant to be.

I guess everyone has their reasons and every secret kept tucked behind has been placed their for a reason. Reasons we may never really know and well, maybe that’s just not my problem anymore.

I don’t know where I’m heading with this blog post because right now I feel naked.

I feel happy and hurt at the same time but it’s not necessarily a bad thing, you know?

I feel liberated. And maybe that’s a good thing.