i’m getting it again. my chest is heavy and i feel stupid but i don’t even know why. i feel like crying but then crying would be stupid because i don’t have a good reason to cry.

i guess like right now i just feel like i’m trapped or something and i just wanna burst out and shout and cry and be held. and quite frankly, i’m so tired of feeling like this.

i hate just “getting by”. ugh.

i need to cry it out.

soo much is going on.

i need to find myself in all this mess. but how?

today i realized how truly scared i am to get into a relationship again.

i realized that i’m scared most of all of the letting go part.
i’m scared to let to go all my pretensions.
i’m scared to move on.
i’m just so scared.

but i know that my life won’t really start until i stop being afraid.

and the weird thing is, i never really realized how scared i actually was until today.

today i decided that the next time i get a boyfriend i’m going to love him the same or if not, more than i loved james. i shouldn’t be telling myself that i won’t be able to love anyone the same way i loved james because why should i let a guy like him ruin the chances of me being able to make someone happy, right? especially if that someone is way much better than james ever was. i don’t want to have to base all my relationships on this one because james was never really worth it, honestly. i just kept telling myself that he was because i needed a reason to hold on.

i don’t wanna be this person anymore. i don’t wanna be the girl who looks for alcohol and cigarettes when her whole world is falling in on her. i don’t wanna be that girl who feels the urge to get the next ticket out of town when she feels like she can’t take it anymore. i don’t wanna be this lost little girl anymore but if i had to find myself, where would i start?

all i know is i wanna be found again – if i ever was. i wanna feel like i’m wanted, i wana have a place in this shit hole.i’m so tired of feeling like a fish out of water. tired of feeling like everyone’s last option. i’m tired of not being a part of things. i’ll be blunt though. because i have to.

where is everybody? where are my friends? do i even have any?

where are you?

But I lacked the courage and she had a boyfriend and I was gawky and she was gorgeous and I was hopelessly boring and she was endlessly fascinating. So I walked back to my room and collapsed on the bed, thinking that if people were rain, I was a drizzle and she was a hurricane.
-Looking for Alaska

There must be millions of people all over the world who never get any love letters… I could be their leader.
( Charlie Brown )

 

haven’t been able to go online lately. basically cuz i have better things to do. lol. i’m getting my braces off in 2 days and i’m so hyped. i’m planning james’ sister’s baby shower which will be on monday. i have to get drunk on saturday because i live on alcohol now. adrian just got back from manila.

people i’ve fooled today:
* Chabel – told her our friend was pregnant
* Papa – i told him me and james got  back together

* Kate, Kevin and Adrian – same joke
* Andrea – told her i was leaving for the states. i’m such a loser

i’ve been hooked on Super Paper Mario for a while and i swear, it’s ruining my life. lol.

my life right now is good. thanks for asking.

i guess i’ll stay up all night again. thinking. :))

i really wanted to talk to him today and set the record straight between the two of us and clarify what we are and why we do the things we do if we both know that we can’t be together and if both of us are basically in it for nothing.
i wanted to know if we were going to work things out and actually start dating and in a few months proli come out of the open and start letting people see us together instead of whatever it is we’re doing now.
i wanted to know if i had a chance at actually having a relationship with someone again. but i don’t see that happening.
maybe i’ll just disappear and leave things like how they are now. if he wants me, he knows where to find me and maybe i’ll be there. maybe i won’t.

i’ve been really lonely lately with adrian in manila and me and kevin not talking so much anymore.

more lost then lonely actually.

i came from the beach today. so tired. then i had dinner with *someone* who i’m not supposed to tell who and then it was just awesome 😀

the situation is just hard and nothing is proli going to happen. but anyways, so what?

i’m living for today

tonight has just been a really bad day for me.

i hung out at the mall with casey today but i just wasn’t thinking right. i got home and forgot to eat dinner and now i’m starving and there’s nothing to eat!

i talked to kevin and i’ve been crying my fucking eyes out and wtf do i do now? i’m so lost.

i wish i didn’t talk to him after me and james broke up. i wish i never went out looking for a friend. i wish i could just hide under a fucking rock.

i want to die.

yesterday was so crazy. on so many different levels.

we went to pandanon yesterday, which is AMAZING, btw. and as usual, i got wasted. it was so crazy cuz i was the only person who got soo completely wasted. but if you think about it, i was actually the only person who drank that much anyways. :p

so word is i puked and passed out and puked in between being passed out and vince and ibang and nina were helping me get better. well, ibang helped but i think vince did the most help. he made me swim but then he let go of me and somehow, me and dale ended up having a swimming contest and i WON 😀 but then after that i ended up hitting my foot on a rock and it hurt really bad so someone had to massage it. i don’t remember who it was, though. maybe it was rico. who knows. now i have a swollen toe 😦

and after i sobered up, me and ian, mercy’s ex boyfriend, talked and i started crying. but not crying like the way i cried over james during sinulog. just like small drops of tears and a lot of frustration. i know my problems are nothing compared to what other people have but you know, still, it bothers me. i hate the fact that kevin has feelings for me because i don’t. and it bothers me so much because i know i will never have feelings for him. and i don’t want to be in this situation where i’m friends with someone who doesn’t just see me as a friend. he told me that if i don’t have feelings for him, things’ll go back to the way they were. but we both know they won’t ever go back to the way they were. and it frustrates me more because we’ve been friends for the longest time and i know for a fact that after i talk to him, i’m probably not going to talk to him for a while.

i’ve come to the conclusion that i’m going to shut everyone completely out of my life. no more guy friends, just me and my girl friends. or maybe just me.

i’ll tell you how my life turn out. soon.