i came from the beach today. so tired. then i had dinner with *someone* who i’m not supposed to tell who and then it was just awesome 😀

the situation is just hard and nothing is proli going to happen. but anyways, so what?

i’m living for today

tonight has just been a really bad day for me.

i hung out at the mall with casey today but i just wasn’t thinking right. i got home and forgot to eat dinner and now i’m starving and there’s nothing to eat!

i talked to kevin and i’ve been crying my fucking eyes out and wtf do i do now? i’m so lost.

i wish i didn’t talk to him after me and james broke up. i wish i never went out looking for a friend. i wish i could just hide under a fucking rock.

i want to die.

yesterday was so crazy. on so many different levels.

we went to pandanon yesterday, which is AMAZING, btw. and as usual, i got wasted. it was so crazy cuz i was the only person who got soo completely wasted. but if you think about it, i was actually the only person who drank that much anyways. :p

so word is i puked and passed out and puked in between being passed out and vince and ibang and nina were helping me get better. well, ibang helped but i think vince did the most help. he made me swim but then he let go of me and somehow, me and dale ended up having a swimming contest and i WON 😀 but then after that i ended up hitting my foot on a rock and it hurt really bad so someone had to massage it. i don’t remember who it was, though. maybe it was rico. who knows. now i have a swollen toe 😦

and after i sobered up, me and ian, mercy’s ex boyfriend, talked and i started crying. but not crying like the way i cried over james during sinulog. just like small drops of tears and a lot of frustration. i know my problems are nothing compared to what other people have but you know, still, it bothers me. i hate the fact that kevin has feelings for me because i don’t. and it bothers me so much because i know i will never have feelings for him. and i don’t want to be in this situation where i’m friends with someone who doesn’t just see me as a friend. he told me that if i don’t have feelings for him, things’ll go back to the way they were. but we both know they won’t ever go back to the way they were. and it frustrates me more because we’ve been friends for the longest time and i know for a fact that after i talk to him, i’m probably not going to talk to him for a while.

i’ve come to the conclusion that i’m going to shut everyone completely out of my life. no more guy friends, just me and my girl friends. or maybe just me.

i’ll tell you how my life turn out. soon.

http-equiv=”Content-Type” content=”text/html; charset=utf-8″> name=”ProgId” content=”Word.Document”> name=”Generator” content=”Microsoft Word 10″> name=”Originator” content=”Microsoft Word 10″> I’ve always been soo blown away with the thought of someone whisking me away and carrying me off to some place awesome. I always thought that my life would just be so great if this guy would just come along into my life and make things ok.

I think that’s why I fell so inlove with James. I guess it’s because he came at such a bad time in my life. and when we got together, it felt like he saved me from all the shit i was going through and somehow he made everything feel better. he made things easier to get through. and i think that’s how i became obsessed with this idea.

maybe it’s because i’m spoiled. or maybe it’s because for a while i became dependent that  made me ending up thinkng that it “took one to forget one” or i hought that if i was with someone then my life would just get better again. but i guess i’m gonna have to start changing the way i perceive things, yeah?

right now i don’t want to be a damsel in distress. i got myself into these problems and i should at least get myself out of it.

bouncing out of topic, things in my world have been weird lately. really weird. weird in ways you can’t even imagine. things i don’t want to happen are happening to me and i’m just floating around here trying to figure out what the fuck i’m supposed to do.

i really don’t know what to do though. i really don’t..

lastly, i’ve been doing some very stupid things lately that i proli won’t be talking about here. but the odd thing is, there’s no voice at the back of my head telling me to feel bad or hide or whatever. so we’ll just see what happens.

i’ll be getting wasted tomorrow. i’ll have drunk stories to tell. so, enjoy waiting.

so finals are almost over. i have to get ready for kevin’s prom and kim’s party that will all be on the same night
how am i going to do that?! LOL

i’m at iBrowse with keanan and Leigh. they’re playing counter strike and me, i’m bumming around trying to find something interesting to do but so far, nada. 😦

yesterday i ran into james at the mall with his friends. he hasn’t changed at all. i mean, i want to understand him. i want to confront him but what the point now, you know?

he didn’t even look at me. he just PRETENDED to be busy with his phone or something. he’s so transparent, i can see right through him. because i know him soo much.

but i’m happier now. i think about it, i don’t know why i stayed. sometimes i feel like a failure because being with james was a challenge. it was like a game that i didn’t want to quit because i didn’t wanna end up being the girl who gave up on him. if i was james, i’d hate me for leaving. for not fighting for us. but you know, there’s only soo much you can do for someone who doesn’t know what he wants and for someone as immature as he was.

i think my only problem now is being lonely. i miss being taken care of and taking care of someone in return. i miss having someone to cuddle and make me smile and all those stuff you get in a relationship. i know that james isn’t the only guy who can do all those things for me- that’s why i don’t mope over our relationship as much as i used to anymore. instead, i’m looking forward to having that again someday.

things have changed a lot since me and james’ve broken up. i’ve been dating again. but that was just adrian. i don’t know about that though. i mean, i miss him a lot but he says a lot of things that contradict what he says and i just end up really frustrated. 😦

and then there’s this guy in the dentistry department who’s been bugging the hell out of me. i want him to go away so bad. i think i might switch numbers. hahaha.

whatever. i’m gonna go play poker or something. smell you later.

i’ll be at coffee bean later, studying. see you.

at biz depot again with diana. i promised myself never to come here again but geez, i’m so freakin bored. haha. i wish someone, ANYONE would snatch me and bring me to wherever as long as it’s far from here and as long as it keeps me from studying. i’m so tired and my brain is probably overworked too. haha.

i refuse to be with someone who constantly makes me feel like i’m always at the bottom of his list.
like the way you make me feel ALL THE TIME BAH.

my PBB TEENS experience:
yawa gyud aie. hahaha. sakit kay’s dughan bai
director: [after a few ques.] wait, ilang taon ka na ba talaga?
me: uhh… 18?
dir: eh, anong ginagawa mo dito?
me: i’m not ready to be a part of the adults…
dir.: hindi talaga pwede eh..

nganu nag teens man gyud ko oie. i really hate myself right now. haha.

no moooooooooooore kay pareha ramong tanan!

by Jean Louise Perez

– cige pili lang mu ung kinsa mu ani. libre ra bitaw. hahaha.

This is for the girls who loved too much and got nothing in return. This is for all the tears we cried and all the nights we stayed up trying to figure out what it is we were fighting for. This is for every time we ever let a guy treat us less than we were and get away with it. This is for everything we ever did hoping his happiness would become OUR happiness even though we knew it never really would – and this is for us who stayed anyways hoping one day he’d wake up and decide that he’d love us, that he’d treat us better, that he’d do what he said and actually love us.
This is for the nights we spent crying, wondering what it is we did wrong. I guess there’s really nothing to say or do anymore- I gave you love, love you just didn’t want and what else can I do? I’m never going to love the way I loved you again and I’m never going to let anyone hurt me the way you did. Well in the end, at least I leave this chapter with lessons learned- You were never really worth it. And if you were, I wouldn’t be writing this out to you.

This is for the boys who take what they can and leave us with nothing in return. Were we not enough for you? This is for making us believe in magic even for so shortest time. This is for every time you watched us cry and never did anything about it. This is for you.
I hope you hurt like hell one night soon, while your laying in your bed all alone because your ‘new girl’ wasn’t all you thought she was. I hope your thinking of me, and all that you gave up then you pushed me away. Like I’d never meant anything to you at all. I hope you realize your mistake. I’ve given you all that I’m ever gonna let you take. If you want anything more from me, you can just forget about it.

This is for the girls who forgot how lucky they really were until he was gone. This is for every time we put him on the bottom of our list because we knew he would still be there when we got back. This is for the time we screamed at him, the time we kicked him, punched him and that time we told him we wished he would just drop dead- we really didn’t mean it. This is for that time we threw away the roses he gave us on valentines day because we didn’t think they were good enough- i wish i could just take it all back and hug you and thank you because i never got to. in fact, i never got to thank you for anything.

This is for the boys who waited around for us. This is for the boys who put up with all our shit- the whinning, the crying, the dramafests. This is for that time you stayed up until 3 am to make our anniversary gift and for that time you saw me throw it to the side of my room right after getting it. This is for the times that we never got to tell you how much you meant to us and for the times we never even told you how much we love you. If I could take it all back, I would. But all we have now are memories and yet neither they could ever bring you back. And how do you let go of the best thing that’s ever happened to you?
Because no one will be as perfect you are- and I just lost my shot.
I remember you telling me to move on and get on with my life. You said that there were lots of fish in the ocean. But i’ve dipped my feet into it, I’ve dived and even drowned myself in it but I’ve still found nothing in it for me. It will always be you.

I’m sitting here and I realize that most of us want to belong to someone. 😦

and me, i’m still in the same position i’ve been in not because of him anymore. it’s not him who’s holding me back from moving on. it’s the absence of that one guy who can make me laugh and cry and shout that’s the problem.

– CIGE HILAK NAMO. BOWWW.

it’s not james anymore. it’s not james who’s holding me back from moving on. it’s the absence of that one guy who can make me laugh and cry and shout that’s the problem.

i’m testing the waters. but there’s nothing in it.

Its so frustrating because I broke up with him
Cause I was sad of crying everyday
Like I didn’t want to cry anymore
And then I was crying cause I was fighting
And now im crying because he’s not here to make me stop
He was like my best friend
Its like losing your best friend
[The Hills]

I got used to living without you,
Endless phone calls and dreaming about you.
Always said that you were my ‘meant-to-be’
But I guess I was in love with your memory.
[In Another Life-The Veronicas]

You know I love you, I really do.
But I can’t fight, anymore for you.
I dont know, maybe we’ll be together again.
Sometime, in another life.
[In Another Life- The Veronicas]

Lying is bad, or so were told constantly
from birth; honesty is the best policy.
the truth shall set you free, i chopped
down the cherry tree, whatever. the fact
is lying is a neccesity. we lie to ourselves
because the truth, the truth freakin hurts.
no matter how hard we try to ignore or
deny it. eventually the lies fall away,
wheter we like it or not. but heres the truth
about the truth; it hurts, so we lie.
[Greys Anatomy]

I want you to know that I love you. I never did stop, not for one gasping second. My love for you is unconditional and it will never end as long as I live. I refuse to find others when I have the one I want. I never doubted us, but you did. I never stopped thinking about you, even though you stopped thinking about me. I never wanted to let go, but you did.

Look, i know this sucks for you and i want to be there
for you, i do, but i can’t do this anymore.
i can’t keepbbeing your second choice, not when you’re my first.

Don’t worry. You may think you’ll ‘never’ get over it, but you also thought it would last ‘forever’.

I think I’ll love you forever. But I think, maybe, that’s the problem.

See that any time you feel pained or defeated,
it is only because you insist on clinging to what
doesn’t work. Dare to let go and you won’t
lose a thing except for a punishing idea.

You know, the only thing that scares me
 is that you might love her more than you love me.
[Pearl Harbour]

“What I wanted? I wanted you to fight for me. I wanted you to tell me there was nobody else you could ever be with and that you’d rather be alone than without me”
[One Tree Hill]

If it didn’t work the first time, it’ll definitely not work the second time. There’s a reason for every break up. Your just wasting your time on someone you’ll never work it out with cause in the end you’ll find who your really supposed to be with, but you can’t do that until you move on.

I hope you hurt like hell one night soon, while your laying in your bed all alone because your ‘new girl’ wasn’t all you thought she was. I hope your thinking of me, and all that you gave up then you pushed me away. Like I’d never meant anything to you at all. I hope you realize your mistake. I’ve given you all that I’m ever gonna let you take. If you want anything more from me, you can just forget about it

When you love someone,
you don’t want to hurt them,
even if they deserve to be hurt.

On the phone a year later, he asked her if she missed him. Her reply was “I don’t miss you. I miss the guy who called me every second he could, who sat at home on Saturday nights when we couldn’t be together thinking of me. the guy who knew how to say sorry, the guy who came to my house after every fight, the guy who told me I looked like a rose, that’s the guy I miss, well how could I miss you? I don’t even know you.”

The hardest part is waking up in the morning remembering
what you had been trying so hard to forget last night.

I tried so hard to save you, but eventually, I had to let go and let you save yourself. Not because I didn’t love you, but because I loved you too much.

So I’m going to let you go now,
Knowing you won’t chase me.
But in 5 years when your ready for this,
Stay the hell away from me.
I want you now, not later.

My problem isn’t that I miss you, cause I don’t.
My problem isn’t that I kissed you.
I figured out that you’re nothing that I thought you’re about.
You’re just caught in a place in which time will erase in my heart.