i started cutting my self again. Yes world of xanga, i cut myself. I’ve cut myself since i was in 6th grade. The only time i stopped was when i was with James because he thinks it’s unacceptable and stupid. and yes, i totally agree. But sometimes, when everything is just falling in on you and you look around and wonder where your friends are and wonder why you’re alone, that blade instantly becomes your best friend.

unfortunately, my clinical instructor saw it and now thinks that i need to talk to him. as if i would want to tell him my innermost secrets. NOT!

yes, i need someone to talk to. yes, i am so emotionally and physically tired. and yes, i need to stop cutting myself.

once i find a better output, i promise, i will.

it’s been a while since i’ve been able to blog, much more do anything else for that matter. I have videos stalked up in my computer waiting to be edited and posted. Hopefully those’ll get me the final 700 votes i have left to win the bet i made with chabel. but you proli didn’t know that unless you’ve seen my awful videos. HAHA.

there’s nothing going on right now in my life so don’t worry, you’re not missing out on much. in fact, you’re not missing out on anything at all. except the fact that i am helplessly failing at school and that my sister, Kiona, bugs the hell out of me. sometimes i don’t know if i should feel sorry for her or actually show her how annoyed i really am by her! but she’s a kid, so you know… what am i supposed to do? all kids her age are annoying so i think i’ll hold it in for a little bit.

papa won’t let me take her and casey out though. not even to just watch hannah montana and this makes me feel bad because i promised casey that we’d watch it together and i’d rather watch it with her but i need to find something to do with kiona so… i guess i’m going to have to live with the guilt of choosing kiona over casey for.. ever. like how i still feel guilty about making casey spit out that piece of gum she stole from me when she was 3 years old. but that’s old news. stuff like that just doesn’t go away. HAHA

i have to go. catheterization return demo. Nursing should be banned.

i’ll update soon. don’t miss me too much 😡

it’s like 9.30 i was late for my first and ONLY class cuz i was too drunk to get up. now i have to wait til 1.30 so i can have my practice demo and then there’s soccer and then i have to meet up with the chua’s and yeah. that’s basically my life in one whole very short sentence. haha

i am going to shop soon. i need therapy :p

i don’t understand what’s wrong with me anymore. i feel so incompetent. I’m failing horribly at school and nothing is going right. i study and study and study but i still fail. I’m never enough. i feel like i’m not good enough or i’m not cut out to be a nurse after all. But it’s stupid because i know that i can be whatever i want because i used to be good at whatever i put my head into. I used to be someone who was smart and who made the right decisions but now i feel like i’m just floating around in this nothingness waiting for something big to happen when i know for sure it won’t.

i don’t understand what’s wrong with me anymore. i feel so incompetent. I’m failing horribly at school and nothing is going right. i study and study and study but i still fail. I’m never enough. i feel like i’m not good enough or i’m not cut out to be a nurse after all. But it’s stupid because i know that i can be whatever i want because i used to be good at whatever i put my head into. I used to be someone who was smart and who made the right decisions but now i feel like i’m just floating around in this nothingness waiting for something big to happen when i know for sure it won’t.

it doesn’t matter to me that i don’t see you or that i don’t hear from you every single second of every single day. It doesn’t bother me that i’m not the first thing on your mind nor am i the last nor am i in between. It doesn’t make me feel less of a person that we are two complete strangers in a relationship. only because none of these things have fully sunken yet. But i know one day i will and i will want better because we always want what we can’t have and we always want what we do not deserve.

but the last thing i want is to be this sort of conveniency to you because i know what you want and i know what you would do to get it. When my phone rings and it’s you i stop to wonder if it’s a good call or a bad call. usually it’s the latter. You are all the same and i do not want to be your toy. I just want to be loved. loved the way i’ve never been loved. I’m tired of being your toy..

it doesn’t matter to me that i don’t see you or that i don’t hear from you every single second of every single day. It doesn’t bother me that i’m not the first thing on your mind nor am i the last nor am i in between. It doesn’t make me feel less of a person that we are two complete strangers in a relationship. only because none of these things have fully sunken yet. But i know one day i will and i will want better because we always want what we can’t have and we always want what we do not deserve.

but the last thing i want is to be this sort of conveniency to you because i know what you want and i know what you would do to get it. When my phone rings and it’s you i stop to wonder if it’s a good call or a bad call. usually it’s the latter. You are all the same and i do not want to be your toy. I just want to be loved. loved the way i’ve never been loved. I’m tired of being your toy..

at the school internet cafe where they charge us 25.00 pesos a fucking hour when i could use the internet for FREE at the library if i only had the time to get my id validated. unfortunately, i don’t have the time and will power to do it so yeah, i guess 50.00 is going to be wasted todayy. lol

hhjlfghskjfgh;ljg bored out of my fucking mind.

I NEED A FUCKING BREAK!