I haven’t had coffee the entire day and I am just realizing that this is the one thing missing from my life.

There is chicken and liempo in the car and I am just dying to rip apart this paper bag and eat everything with my bare hands. Traffic is fo shore going to be the death of me.

I just wanna be home, sitting on the couch and watching fish videos with my Paolobear.

I don’t think you guys realize how dependent I am. 😂

Happy to say I’m not completely horrible at cooking and that One day I’ll actually be able to feed a family anything other than take out

It’s been a weird couple of months having fully been submersed in H&S business. I’m still adjusting to running a business and not wanting to let anyone, yet alone myself, down but at the same time- I can’t help but miss the things I often have to sacrifice. It’s embarrassing to admit that I’m talking about creating content but God I love it so much- even writing here is exhilarating!

I think more than anything, I just like having a physical outlet for my thoughts.

More than that, I’ve been extremely passionate about creating content that will help educate the general public. I don’t know if it will ever pick up or if anyone really likes it but if I’ve stuck by doing all the stupid shit I do online, why should something I truly believe in be any different, right?

There’s a lot of superficialities going on in what i used to consider “my space” right now and I hate it. Maybe because I’m getting older and I could care less about disbanding of gangs , what’s inside people’s bags and what they put on their face. I’m not for everybody and it’s tough. Sometimes I wish for a little bit more payoff from the work I’ve put in but I try to remind myself that I don’t really work THAT hard. 😂 not for the vlog and blog, at least. Let’s be honest. But I’ll try harder.

Maybe that’s why I’ve been in a “rut” lately because I’m not creating content and I can’t create because I’m in a rut and I refuse to try harder. It’s all so confusing right now.

Side note: we still have a wedding to plan and less than 6 months to plan it.

Holy fucking shit. And I still can’t decide on our invitations.

Ok. Now I’m starting to worry 😂

Bye content, I gotta get married first!

I just wanted to let you know that everything in my life is dandy.

The start of the year was a bit meh but I feel like I’m in a good space right now where I’m finally learning how to handle my life a lot better. On some days I wish I could be richer and buy myself a Jimny or a Juke but you know some of us just don’t have that luxury. lol.

At one point, I felt like God was listening to every.single.prayer I made which made me realize that I wasn’t being very specific with the things I had been asking of Him. For starters, I prayed that I would be soo busy that my days would be soo filled that I no longer had space in my head to think about the loneliness I felt and He provided so much that I didn’t quite have time for anything. So I decided to pray for dog days that it eventually made me soo bored I could almost hear the ants marching on our counter table- it was horrible. So I learned to be smarter with the ways that I asked God/ the universe for things.

Now, I just want my days to be filled with opportunities that will allow me to grow in my craft; business; knowledge and the like. That I have time to come home to my family and enjoy Facebook video calls or watch Paolo play on his PS while I write down this blog entry or even binge on a documentary like I’ve been planning to. I pray for enough time to camp out under the stars even if it means rushing from an event to the mountains and you know… stuff like that.

I pray for head space and clarity and long, thoughtful moments of emptiness that I can fill with my most wildest thoughts and imaginations…

You know, the normal stuff.

But in general, I wanted to let you know that I am happy. I am contented but I am still thirsty. I am curious and eager to learn. I am also hungry at it’s already 11:28 pm.

I also might have a fever so I’m gonna watch some Harry Potter and not charge my phone until the morning cuz I left my wire in the car.

Love you & thanks for listening. I miss you.

Surprisingly, it doesn’t feel as bad as I thought it would.

I had imagined, in Paolo’s own words- devastation.

But there’s a surprising lightness to it.

I am still very sad about things, don’t get me wrong, but now it’s more like, well, we always knew it was going to happen and now it finally is.

How selfish would I be if I begged, kicked and cried for everyone to stay while I lived my best life and they just… lived.

Of course I want all of us to be happy together but let’s be honest, even I’m not supposed to be here. I’m the one who broke the plans.

So I cannot complain and make everyone else suffer with me.

And I guess this is just how things are going to be from now on…

distant.

We booked the church last weekend. April 27, 2019 at 1:30 pm. We were gonna do it in the morning but then that would mean having to wake up at 3:00 in the morning and god knows, I’m not waking up that early. Not even for that.

We’ve been trying to find a house, too. Lately it’s been hits and misses but I think we finally found something we can actually pay off after slaving our days away. I’ve decided to Sims it so I can pretend we’re actually living there and you know… decorate it.

The place is a Spanish type townhouse, aka not my type but it’s got a garden, it’s safe and it has everything we’ve ever wanted (parking space, among other things). But in all honesty and it feels weird to actually say it, but I want to raise babies there. I want our dogs and kids to run around there. I want to be a grown up there.

But we’ll see. Who’s rushing anyways? ☺️

Dear God,

Thank you for today. Nothing amazing happened but I am still grateful.

P.s. Please don’t make my clients call me after office hours. I hate it when they do that. Give them other things to do other than think of me especially during those times.

Thanks!

It finally feels like all my dreams are coming true.

I feel like everything I have worked and dreamed and prayed so hard for has led up to today and everything is finally falling into place.

It’s almost as if all the stars have aligned and decided that I would be the one they would bless. Of all the souls in the universe, it actually chose me.

Little Issa would never believe it. I never would have thought.

It’s just happening but if I allow it to, it WILL happen. I must allow it to happen.

I honestly never would have imagined.

I am so freaking proud of myself right now!

You always do the groceries on Valentine’s day because we all know that if I had to it, it would take 2 hours and we’d come back with 6 bags instead of just 3. This time though, you came with 3 extra bottles of sauce (?) and I am now seeing, a can of corn. We currently have 2 cans corn in the cupboard but who’s counting anyways? I’m not one to complain about extra corn 😬

I promise to make the dressing next year. I always said I would learn it. I just hope it’ll be as good as the one’s you make.

I love you with all my heart, Pao. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to mean it more because I love you whole. I love you with all I am capable of. You deserve it all.

I should blog here more often.

♥️

I am honestly always afraid and idk where this is coming from.