After many weeks (and what seems like months), we finally got our first Christmas tree. We don’t like to buy things and tried our very best to look for a second hand tree but weren’t so lucky and ended up with this beaut. It cost a pretty penny too, so this is the only Christmas tree we’re ever going to have, as much as I am concerned.

I had always imagined this day in my head- setting up our first Christmas tree with my husband, drinking hot coco while Christmas songs played in the background but the truth is, the starts of it were pretty… Unmagical.

I realized that I did not know the first thing about setting up OR decorating a tree, that the damn Christmas balls weren’t even strung and that all that glitter fall out was going to haunt me for the next 2 years of my life.

Sometimes the worse part of being an “adult” is realizing that you don’t know the first thing about being an adult.

I realized this while setting up a tree. 😂

But in all that chaos, we played some jazz Christmas music, Paolo made us coffee and it slowly started becoming the Christmas experience I had in my head. Sure it took me 2 hours to string each ball but we finally have a tree and I am actually very happy.

Oh, and I finally deleted the hscebu website. I don’t know why that made me very sad.

This afternoon as Paolo and I were walking into the condo I said this to Paolo-

You know, I actually did not realize that ever since we started living together, I’ve been really happy to come home. That means a lot to me because I spent so many years never wanting to go home.

I am grateful for this life. Thank you for this feeling, Lord.

Also, please let this hang over go away.

Sometimes your husband’s ass can smell really bad and that gets him banned from sitting beside you on the couch.

That’s it, that’s the blog

It was magical. It’s been magical.

I was told to get a lot of sleep because I haven’t been much lately. It’s been nerve wracking & stressful but not this part- I am already proud of the work I have done and the work I can put in and that I WILL put in. I do not question that.

I am proud of the content and the advocacy behind it and my heart, now I can only just sit back and see how the world takes it. But beyond that, I will not question if I worked hard enough for it or if i am good enough to do it. I’m not gonna stress myself out like that. I just need to work hard, work smart , pray and trust that God will give me what He thinks is best for me. I’m ok with this. It is settling.

I’m so excited though. If I’m being completely honest. I am soo excited. I’m probably more excited about everything that’s happening more than getting married. I know that sounds weird but I say this because now I can finally be married. I can finally just do the things that make me happy and excited and maybe this time I can be happier.

So we’ll see what happens tomorrow. For the first time in a long time, I am excited about tomorrow.

Life just hasn’t been easy lately.

Paolo & I aren’t on speaking terms right now because of something I did or rather… Did not do.

But he bought us dinner tonight and milk tea so I think that means he still loves me.

Ironically, all the food he ordered was spicy so I don’t really understand if he’s sorry or he wanted to torture me and the milktea as an afterthought 😂

Marriage is weird. I don’t know if I love it, hate it, regret it (sometimes). It’s just weird.

This weekend is Influencity and I’m saving my earnings to apply for a Visa because I haven’t stopped missing my family at all. Not even a tiny little bit.

You’d think that after marriage I’d be so excited and just want to be a wife but nothing much has really changed in our lives aside for the fact that we’ve gotten 10x busier so I think I am allowed to want to go places and do things.

Besides its feels like awfully long time since I’ve gotten on a plane but also, it was literally only about 6 months ago. Lol.

Night

This is Paolo on a Monday night. He is currently building me a “frame light” because ring lights are too big & bulky. I also really need this for doing make up at night and he’s a doll for setting this up for me.

I love him so much. Thank you for being handy.

Without a doubt, the number question people will ask you after you get married is- so, how’s married life?

It was cute at first- you’re on a wedding high and everything is great- but after a while, especially when nothing in your life has changed, it gets annoying… and then it starts to get depressing.

Honestly, I suck at being a wife and I also feel like I can’t catch a break.

I feel like nothing I’ve been doing lately has been working out for me. The business is blah, all my friends are either not in Cebu; are busy with their kids or are busy, I can’t get a part time job, my clients haven’t paid me- I’m essentially broke, I’ve been having killer anxiety and stomach flus and it’s sort of making me resent the universe.

I just… wish I was in a better place, yk? mentally, financially, emotionally.

I wish I was more sure of myself.

And I also fucking wish my grandmother would stop bragging about who I married because it really makes me feel like I equate to nothing.