It’s 1:30 am. I stayed up waiting for my grandmother to fall asleep so I could quietly slip away and smoke the cigarette i kept in my bag since 10:30 this evening after Paolo and I spent time with his family singing and trying to figure out what our epic duet song could be.

I’ve always enjoyed the late night stolen drag breaks I take for the reason that it makes me feel rebellious when it shouldn’t because everyone in my family practically knows that I do it. But I like it more because of the thoughts I have which may sometimes be euphoric like a “eureka!” moment or depressing and unapologetic.

I thought mostly about how much I need to organize my room. I need a shoe rack and a hanger or an extra cabinet for my over pilling clothes. I need a place to put my make up brushed and my art supplies. I need a sense of order in my life much in the sense that I need order with my thoughts.

Then I started thinking about that morning where I was so OC about cleaning my mouth. I accidentally stuck my toothbrush too deep into my mouth that I ended up puking all over my bathroom floor that has recently caused a clog. I don’t want to unclog it, that’s what the maid is for. But is she supposed to declutter the way I think and the weird thoughts that are all jumbled in my head?

I thought about the book I’m reading now and how pathetic I feel about reading my sister’s reading list. I’m reading Ely & Naomi’s No Kiss List by David Levithman. It’s the 3rd book of his I’m reading and I hate every one I read but I torture myself with visual vomit anyways. I don’t know why I do that to myself. There are a million books on MY list but I’m too lazy to actually download them. I’m a sloth. That’s not something I should be proud of. That or, I refuse to read anything worth reading until I get my Kindle. I. CANNOT. WAIT. FOR. CHRISTMAS!

Tonight, Paolo’s aunt-in-law asked us “when’s the big day?” Usually, I’d be so offended and hurt by the question. God knows why, it’s something we hear on a weekly/ monthly basis. It’s bad that I get so bummed about it because 1. Paolo made very good points about why we aren’t getting hitched anytime soon and 2. AM I REALLY READY TO GET MARRIED? Do I even know what it is to be married?

No. But the thoughts are never really horrible. Scary is more like it.

But tonight, I was pretty cool about being quick to debunk the idea of it. I’m not quite sure if I’m a part of the marrying generation anymore. Or maybe I’ve just decided to not really care about what I want. I mean, seriously, when do we (men particularly) decide that we want to get married? When do we wake up and say, hey, I’m gonna spend a bunch of money and put on a dress and then spend more money on a house, on kids and worry about big people problems? When do we actually realize that it’s not enough to love each other, let’s make the unbreakable vow and allow ourselves to be the one thing that could possibly break a person when we are all bound to screw up one way or another?

I’m wheezing now which probably shows my total carelessness for myself. I have a cough but hey, let’s smoke that cigarette anyways. As if I needed it. As if my life depended on it. What a shmuck.

It’s 2:00 am. For some reason, I am wide awake and I think I’ll think about my dog and her fleas, or guinea pigs and that pug I really want.

It’s 2:00 am. Maybe I’ll fall asleep with my thoughts that never have any conclusions. I am happy where I am right now. In this moment, my PMS could be worse, I could try to be more patient with everyone (especially my mother), I could use more money, I could gloat about my irrational fears of never getting married or having children… but maybe it’s meant to be tackled on on another night.

It’s Friday morning now and I’m suddenly thinking about Rebecca Black and how much I hate the fact that she made a song named “Saturday”. What a ninkumpoot. If I can even spell that word.

Went through a million pre nup photos.

And then my brain just went E V E R Y W H E R E.

Bummed out. Not watching hunger games. 

That’s basically it.

11/13/2013

12:06 am

It’s a start of a brand new day but I feel like I’m stuck in time as I go through the news, as I skim through my newsfeeds, as I walk down the streets and etc.

Life after the typhoon has definitely not been the same and we are all trying to find our places in this disaster. Like how are we going to help, are our efforts enough, while we wait and worry if and when we are finally going to be ok.

My country is definitely not the same country as it was a few days ago and that can go both ways.

On the bright side,I am always brought to tears in awe of how we have been brought together as a country. Seeing how everyone is getting together to pitch in in the slightest ways possible is always uplifting.My friends have slowly reunited with their families and there has not been a shortage in help especially from other countries.

On the not-so-bright-side: There’s always doubts about our flawed government and people who have been deemed to have lost their morals, when in fact they are only trying to survive. I have friends who have not seen or heard from their families and friends of friends who are missing. And then there are the occasional 1 minute wonders who always have something bad to say and those who are just plain insensitive.

It’s not a perfect world, deal with it.

But despite all these things, no matter how imperfect we are, no matter how many times we may question these peoples morals and dignity or self control- no matter what, we will NEVER be them. We will never know what it’s like to have a hungry family with no clothes, water or shelter. We will never know what it’s like to walk among a sea of dead bodies… which is why we shouldn’t be so quick to judge.

I am deeply struck by the events that has happened to my country. Never a day has passed when I’m not checking the news, weeping for the dead and rejoicing for the living. Never a day has passed when I am not worried for my country and grateful for the aid that has been given. I still find myself in disbelief of what has happened… it still feels like our biggest nightmare magnified and materialized. It is that bad.

I know in time we will all be ok, we will come out stronger and better and braver and smarter. We’re Bamboo’s like that. But in the meantime, let us not stop helping, praying and doing our parts. We are all needed to put back the pieces of our country back together.

Bangon, Pilipinas.

I literally just woke up from the narliest dream ever.

I am soo thirsty and soo hungry and I want chicken and milk tea.. except I’ve been told to lay off the chicken. FUUUUU.

I’m so happy I get to blog again. It’s like talking but I’m not opening my mouth. Which is a good thing because my breath probably smells like alcohol and cigarettes.

Top of the morning to ya!

11/9/2013

12:54

I am writing this after having a bottle and a can of some beer I can’t even pronounce.

In my current state, I’d say I’m one of the lucky ones.Electricity is back, water is back, wifi is fully functional and well, there’s really not much I can do about my dog but at least it’s not raining which means, her ass will not be in my face the entire night. Yes, when it rains and she gets scared, she likes to strategically place her ass in my face.

Thank God that the worst is over (but I cannot attest to that) and we are all safe.

I read something on Facebook that the Philippines is stronger than any typhoon and yes, we are and above all, we are lucky/ blessed. Whichever rocks your philosophically maneuvered boat.

 Tasi, Labangon still has no electricity. I guess Paolo will have to sleep without the comforts of a fan or air conditioning tonight. My poor baby.

Good night, everybody.

Praises. (To who ever you wish to pay your praises to!)

11/8/2013

8:33 pm

Shortly after my first entry we lost electricity and unfortunately, until now, the most part of Cebu is pitch black. A part of me wants to go ghost hunting. It is still early November, after all.

The eye of the storm was not as bad as we had expected (thank god!). I am very grateful that there were no floods in the area and that we were all pretty much prepared.

Here is what I did today:

* Painted my nails… thrice!

* Slept

* Read all the newspapers and half the stalks of magazines my lola has kept under her coffee table

* Eat (bilong- bilong (my new favorite food), chicken with soup and SAYOTE!!!

* Eat (the chips my lola bought). They were useful, afterall!

I am currently at my friends house in Banilad to find relief in cans of “imported” beer Paolo decided to splurge on.

They have electricity. Lucky them -.-

Outside is still pretty loud but life is slowly going back to normal. Everyone in my family is safe (parents in V. Rama included) and my dog is still needy and has stinky breath.

I don’t know how much damage the storm has really done but I guess I’ll have all the time to figure that out when electricity at our place is back.

I hope everyone is safe.

xx,

Issa

11/8/2013

9:38 am

 It’s an estimated 2 hours before the eye of the storm hits my city. I am currently located in lot 3, blk 4, Park Vista Townhomes, Apas, Lahug where I am stuck with:

• A paraplegic grandfather
• A loony grandmother
• A pregnant maid
• The neediest dog in the entire world

I am writing because this house is too small for the 5 of us and if I don’t write, I will lose my mind. Also, I fear for my family who are all in V. Rama and I guess writing will help me get my mind of things.

Outside my window there is a fiesta of rain, wind and flying debris. Thank God, I am safe and sound with a roof over my head and wifi to spare. On the other hand of things, I do not know where my boyfriend is, I was forced to shower before the water shuts off and there’s really nothing to do at the moment but wait and worry.

My current thoughts as of the moment are: “my grandmother is going to kill all of us.” In the last 24 hours she was able to:

• NOT panic shop.
• After much persuasion from my mother and aunt, she finally did. She went out and bought… junk food. I’m going to die of starvation.
•  At 9:00 this morning, while the wind was strong and the rain was pouring, my grandmother, in all her glory, asked the maid to go out and restock on BEER and COKE which we sell at home.
  • Businesswoman of the year.

This is how I am going to die. In a two story house, in my pink and green room, with my crazy family, with my annoying dog all over me because she won’t leave me alone because she is afraid of the rain because she is wimpy and I should have traded her for a bulldog when I had the chance.

God bless you all! Live a prosperous life for me!

\

You are like my tan.

It’s blotched and chaotic,

but I am always proud of it.

You are like my humor,

I never thought existed,

but definitely makes me a more interested person.

You are like the floor boards of the second floor…

loud,

But they add character to the house.

You are like my undying love for fried chicken,

I could have it everyday

And everyday I love it.

You are like this poem,

Random and senseless

But never pointless

You are beautiful.

And I love you, my nose picking, poop pooing, not so much of a morning person, throws his clothes on the floor, best friend.

Happy 2nd. 🙂 ❤

I guess I’ll give it 2 more years.

I’ve been giving it a lot of thought and maybe if I’m not where I want to be in 2 more years (by then I’ll be 25) maybe it’ll be time for me to look for my bliss elsewhere.

Hopefully in 2 years I won’t be in such a financial slump and I won’t be the only person I know who isn’t married.

2 years of letting myself just drift around and figure out where I am in everyone’s life.

2 years or.. I might as well just get off the pot.