i’m not a slut. If i was a slut, i would be enjoying and basking in every single fucking minute of this. and right now, i wish i was a slut because it’s not fun. It’s not fun at all.

it wouldn’t matter to me if you were a convict, a squat, a whatever as long as you loved me and took care of me. That’s just how i am. I give love too much and in most situations, i give love where it isn’t even reciprocated. And now there are two of you.

You want someone who isn’t going to fool around with you or cheat or lie and someone’ll listen and be there for you… and i’m that girl for you- any one of you. Maybe that’s the problem.  So tell me, why can’t i seem to figure out who that guy is for me?

Justin, we ended on such bad terms and i like you, i like you a lot. You take things slow and you proved that you weren’t what people told me you were. I guess that’s where the problem lay.

Mike, we were fast. Like lightning. but it oddly feels right. And something happened tonight that you denied but i know you still did and i let you get away with it because i know that one day, it’ll slap you in the face. you are my BOYFRIEND and i wanna know that you want me to be your girlfriend because if you don’t then i won’t be the one to stop you because i told myself i wouldn’t do that anymore.

SOMEONE STAND UP FOR ME. I PROMISE I’LL BE WORTH IT. I PROMISE I WON’T SCREW UP. I SWEAR I’LL BE A GOOD GIRL FRIEND. NO MORE MAKING OUT WITH RANDOM GUYS AND NO MORE GETTING DRUNK.

save me 😦

i wish kevin wasn’t high then we could talk. he’s the only one that gets me. </3

i’m not a slut. If i was a slut, i would be enjoying and basking in every single fucking minute of this. and right now, i wish i was a slut because it’s not fun. It’s not fun at all.

it wouldn’t matter to me if you were a convict, a squat, a whatever as long as you loved me and took care of me. That’s just how i am. I give love too much and in most situations, i give love where it isn’t even reciprocated. And now there are two of you.

You want someone who isn’t going to fool around with you or cheat or lie and someone’ll listen and be there for you… and i’m that girl for you- any one of you. Maybe that’s the problem.  So tell me, why can’t i seem to figure out who that guy is for me?

Justin, we ended on such bad terms and i like you, i like you a lot. You take things slow and you proved that you weren’t what people told me you were. I guess that’s where the problem lay.

Mike, we were fast. Like lightning. but it oddly feels right. And something happened tonight that you denied but i know you still did and i let you get away with it because i know that one day, it’ll slap you in the face. you are my BOYFRIEND and i wanna know that you want me to be your girlfriend because if you don’t then i won’t be the one to stop you because i told myself i wouldn’t do that anymore.

SOMEONE STAND UP FOR ME. I PROMISE I’LL BE WORTH IT. I PROMISE I WON’T SCREW UP. I SWEAR I’LL BE A GOOD GIRL FRIEND. NO MORE MAKING OUT WITH RANDOM GUYS AND NO MORE GETTING DRUNK.

save me 😦

i wish kevin wasn’t high then we could talk. he’s the only one that gets me. </3

10:02pmRhianne

hi anak..are you mad at me?

10:18pmIssa

what do you think

10:19pmRhianne

hey???why?

10:20pmIssa

figure it out for yourself

you’re good at judging people. so do that and help yourself.

enjoy!

10:22pmRhianne

hey that was before

and i didnt start it?

i didnt make it?

it was not me

i dont know you before thats why nisabay ko sa ilang judgment

why??

didnt you jugde me before??

10:26pmIssa

i did but at least i was DISCREET about it. i don’t go walking around like i was some know-it-all bitch and tell people what i thought about them!

THERE’S A DIFFERENCE.

i know you didn’t start it but i know you and JD spread it. i know you two were the ones spread it.

10:37pmRhianne

hey…you’re very wrong!!sam made it and because kato imu kong giingnan ug feeler, njisabay ko sa akong kalagot but i didnt go out and nagspread what i think about you!ang ako man gani kahiubos didto ra sa akong mga friends nako gipagawas so nver say nga nagkalat ko ana

i am not GUILTY!, coz i didnt do anything!!! and that was before!!! i dont know you before and we always have that first impression so you cant blame me..i didnt blame you when you said i was “feeler”???coz thats what you think about me and i cant change it til you know me..so dont get me wrong iss..

10:39pmIssa

you never blamed me but ni sabay gihapon ka? that doesn’t make sense.

10:40pmIssa

hold on, nganu naabot man kang sam? when this was all happening, she was still hanging out with silang nikki

10:40pmRhianne

what would you do if somebody got a wrong impression of you and she lets you know that??

kato gani imung nabuhat naku iss wa naku padak.a kay kasabot raku peru i wont deny nasakitan ko thats why nakasabay ko sa ilang libak nimu

10:42pmRhianne

katong papel nabasahan to sa atong mga classmate nga wa pa kaila naku then the moment nga naka reaf sila ayo mao pud ilang mathink naku so that hurts kay wa koy gibuhat nimu

mao to nasakitan ko nakasabay ko sa ilang libak nimu..di jud ka makablame sa tawo iss if wa pa xa kalia nimi

nimu*

10:43pmIssa

you know, that’s really stupid cuz i thought that you were a feeler but i didn’t go around telling people that. YOU, you got hurt by what i did and grabbed the very first chance to attack me

hell, that’s bullshit cuz people said pretty harsh things about me too but i didn’t even bother to ask who it was cuz i know that they don’t even know me

i’d understand if you got hurt cuz i called you a feeler but what you and you’re friends did, that was so fucking unclassy

who the hell does that?! seriously!

that’s cheap ass grade school shit

10:46pmRhianne

watch your language girl di ko gusto padak on ni i just want to make things clear so ayaw ko anaa pagsturya!

10:47pmIssa

i’ll talk to you any way i want. :))

so whatever

this is over and not going anywhere

i’ll see you in school

bye

10:49pmRhianne

never ko gauna una ug tawag nimu ato iss, kasabot kag nisabay rako??WALA KO NAGKALAT!!maybe nakasulti ko sa akong kahiubos nimu sa akong “ithought” friends naku before nga u never know ang nagkalat!!

you know what, after all sa moments nga atong nakuyog sugot lang ka maruin because of senseless things!?

---

ok, if thats what you want ill talk to you at school..if kasuko imung tuohan and not my explanations, then i cant do anything about that..i loved you like my own sister and i treated you well..this hurts when all of a sudden you let go of me because of the past..learn to accept that it was the past and we dont know each other yet..(sorry to say this)ikaw na ang gaingon about ni james nga bisan unsa kadaghan inyong away nga nasakitan ka, still way makalupig sa wonderful moments ninyo together nya mauna imu lang ilabay atong friendship because of this???let me say this”BULLSHIT”!! i should have known..i admit naa koy sala by saying “ato” …im sorry!,if you wont accept my apology,thats fine with me..
bye

i have a boyfriend i hardly talk to. but that’s ok. maybe we’re just both digesting it. i don’t think i like him as much as i’m supposed to but sometimes i feel like i’m obliged to like him and care for him because he’s my boyfriend and only that. i constantly hear him say that he doesn’t care. “I don’t care whatever you do babe as long as you don’t cheat on me.” so i don’t know if i like it or if i don’t but the point is, i don’t want him to not care completely. i would appreciate it if i got a where are you once in a while or a what are you planning to do.

i know i never should’ve rushed into this relationship. issa, you NEVER learn.

i’m in the office right now sitting in the dark so that if my tears’ll fall, nobody’ll be able to see them. my chest is beating so hard that i think i’m having a hard time breathing and i wish there was someone to talk to, someone who wouldn’t judge me or think that i’m over analyzing things or that i’m foolish and stupid because i know i am but i want to be able to do all these things. for me, at least.

it just occured to me how soon June 25 is coming up. and pretty soon i’ll be face to face with my sister. A sister i’ve had for 9 years and never met. A sister whom i know absolutely about. Someone who will leave like everybody else. what if i grow on her and she leaves? i’m tired of everybody leaving.

After that my dad’ll show up and i don’t know how i feel about this. i’m so scared. there’s so much pressure right now. I’m scared that my hate for him will go away. Sometimes i feel like if i love this stranger, i’ll love my papa less or worse, i’ll end up hurting him. and he amongst everyone doesn’t deserve that. i don’t wanna be the one to hurt him but i know i will because i want to love my dad but nobody can know that because i’m supposed to hate him. he’s hurt me so much and i’m so stupid for even letting the thought of him being a part of my life even enter my mind.

i don’t know what to do anymore. i know that in the next few weeks, my life is going to change completely and i’m not ready for that. I’ve been anticipating this moment for the longest time and it’s finally happening. it’s like a dream come true and a nightmare all wrapped into one. I’m so scared and there’s noone to talk to.

what if he comes and we fight like we always do? what if he comes and i’ll like him so much and my mom will get hurt?either way i’m hurting someone.

i wish i was never born into this situation because it’s too much for me to handle right now.

help me. i’m freaking out.

i want this dress so bad right now. and it costs P 1,100.00. i could actually afford it right now but i figured that i’d rather not spend my money on stuff like that now cuz i’ll be leaving for boracay in a few months and it’d be better if i had money for the trip considering the fact that i’ll be going with my fucking thrift chink Chua family. ugh.

and yeah, i realized that June 25 is coming up soon and that means i’ll be meeting my half sister for the first time. I wish i was prepared. but emotionally, i’m not. idk what to do with her, really. if i should treat her the way i treat Casey which is horrible or if i should give her special treatment cuz i won’t be seeing her pretty much after this. stumped here. help.

anyways, i went to the gym today. Mike, the new boyfriend was there, too. and it was so cute because when i was on the threadmill, he got on it too and kissed my head. i swear i got butterflies and goosebumps. 🙂

and it’s really awkward being in a relationship now too because i basically don’t know how to be in one anymore. like, i’m scared to do one thing or another because it’s too early in the relationship and it’s just weird. i mean, sometimes i forget i’m even in a relationship cuz it was all so freakin sudden. do i wish i would’ve taken it slower? yeah, i do. but it’s happening now so i might as well roll with the punches, right? i just do hope this works out though. i mean, his life is so hectic and i have no idea where he’s going to insert me into his life. and plus when school starts it’ll be bloody murder so idk where i’m going to insert him in mine either. Especially with the fact that this is supposed to be “secret” relationship. for more than one reason.

but honestly, i don’t mind people knowing about us. i mean, afterall i AM happy. but the thing is, i like the fact that my parents don’t know sqat cuz if they do, i wouldn’t be able to hang out with him as much as i get to now. hiding it from my parents gives me the priviledge of crashing his place any time i want to and not having my parents wonder where i am all the time cuz they’d be scared i’d be with him, you know?

oh i just hope i don’t make the same mistakes i did before or i hope i don’t do the mistakes james did to me before. i don’t want this to be an “easy come, easy go” thing either cuz it’s a relationship for crying out loud. and most of all, i hope i won’t be unable to do all the things i got to do while i did while i was single. except for SOME things ;]  i mean, this relationship again has been such a whirlwind and i hope we both get to transition into it properly. in our own times.

i’m so bad at being a girlfriend to mike though. i actually feel sorry for my lack of abilities to portray emotions.but yeah, this is me. i guess someone’ll have to deal. but what i lack he pretty much makes up for. the sweetness, the charm, the body. omg, he has the best body ever. and he’s still working on his abs. oh la la.

ok i’ll stop before this gets gross

hollah

I think I noticed when things started to change. The hugs were quicker, the phone calls were shorter and weren’t every night. We didn’t hurry to the place we said we’d meet. The I love you’s felt more like a forced, daily routine, and really had no meaning. When we saw each other, the smiles weren’t as bright, or as big. Our thoughts weren’t only of each other. We seemed uninterested, we felt unloved. We had too many doubts. I think I noticed when things started to change.

hey, i just came from the beach with my family. it was pretty damn awesome, too! we drove til the tip of the city because we felt like it and ended up shacking up at some random resort. during meals we’d walk to the public beaches and run into a bunch of people. Some of my friends were there and it was nice to see them and it made me happy that i was with my family cuz i know that i’m the only one in our whole group who actually does stuff like that with them 🙂

i’ll upload pictures so you guys can see what i’m talking about. hehe.

anyways, i’d blog about everything that is awesome in my life but i really can’t see right now cuz my astigmatism has gotten really bad lately so i’ll proli have to start blogging when i get my contacts na. sorry guys 🙂 maybe i’ll just make videos instead. lol. btw,i’m actually planning to do that. HAHA.

🙂

i’ll learn it anyway i want. I might not learn it right away or the right way but at least the point is, i’m learning something.

i told you that i heard that you only wanted to get me in bed but i still jumped in because i wanted to prove they were wrong. you told me you didn’t believe in what other people say because the only thing that mattered was yours. i thought you meant it but i guess the reality was, we got everything mixed up. I don’t believe that easily- you do. and now, i’m never going to know what it’s like to be with you.

switching pc’s hold on