Monthly Archives: May 2009

“I’m crazy, and I don’t pretend to be anything else.”

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“Well, let it pass, he thought; April is over, April is over. There are all kinds of love in the world, but never the same love twice.”

I went so fucking far to please you. It makes me sick.

This is not going to make me happy. I can see where this is headed. I am going to be broken and left alone, like last time. Like every time. I need to get over me. I need to get over you. I need to get out to get back in. I can’t. I can’t give up. I need to, though. Save myself. But maybe, for now we can pretend. And I can try.


And right now, i don’t understand why you have this power over me.i don’t understand how it’s even possible for me to be scared of the possibilities of me losing you. This was not the plan i had in mind, i was not supposed to fall for you. But i am and today i cried over you. I called your friend and i asked him to help me because the thought of just not talking to you made my insides weak.

i wonder why i let you get this close. i thought i was strong, i thought the next time this wouldn’t happen but it has and i guess im not as strong as i thought i was. i guess i can’t hold my ground as much as i pictured and i guess i like you more than i bargained for. am i wrong? am i crazy?

i am all those things, aren’t i?

liudafuashdlf

bogo issa, bogo.

šŸ˜¦ šŸ˜¦ šŸ˜¦ šŸ˜¦ šŸ˜¦ šŸ˜¦ šŸ˜¦ šŸ˜¦

i don’t even understand why i care anymore.

give grace with a face

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i just want you to know that the fact that you’re here and you stayed and the fact that you’re being civil and smart makes me really happy. you make me happy and you make everything feels less sucky. i go through my whole day complaining but knowing that you’re here just makes everything feel less like a shit hole. thanks ok?

Such A Long Way Back, From This Place We Arrived.
When I Think Of All The Time I’ve Wasted, I Could Cry..

ring me up

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My current life in 90 questions

Take this survey

1. What was the highlight of your week?
today is monday, the highlight of my week is giving the taxi driver a 60 peso tip on accident
2. Whose car were you in last?
steven’s car
3. When is the next time you will kiss someone?
when God wants me to
4. What color shirt are you wearing?
white and blue
5. How long is your hair?
shorter than it used to be but pretty long sad
6. Are you good looking?
no, i don’t think so
7. Last movie you watched?
hmm. monsters inc.?
8. Who were you with?
my sibs. it was on TV.
9. Last thing you ate?
ginaling a ling šŸ˜€
10. Last thing you drank?
last saturday. worst. night. EVER.
11. When was the last time you had your heart broken?
4 months ago, i guess. boo hoo. big deal
12. Who came over last?
justin. yeah, it’s been THAT long
13. Are you happy right now?
no. hardly.
14. What did you say last?
“shoot”
15. Where is your phone?
somewhere here.
16. What color are your eyes?
brown. ish.
17. Are you left-handed?
YES AND I’M PROUD
18. Spell your name without vowels:
ss
19. Do you have any pets?
yes, tons
20. Favorite Vacation?
i get a high on life when i go to bohol šŸ™‚
21. What do you dislike currently?
datan
22. What are you listening to?
can’t behave – courtney jave
23. If you could have one thing right now what would it be?
you
24. What is your favorite scent?
paris hilton. i forgot unsa toh oie
25. Who makes you happiest?
what: candy šŸ˜€
26. What were you doing at midnight last night?
sleeping. happily.
27. When is your birthday?
10.28.90
28. Who has the same phone as you?
no one that i know of
29. Last time you went swimming in a pool?
geez, dugay na pud oi
30. Do you read your horoscope?
no
31. Where was the last place you bought something?
bo’s. vanilla frap that sucked
32. How do you feel about your hair right now?
i think it likes me too
33. Do you bite your nails?
yess. so bad
34. Do you have any expensive jewelery?
yess
35. Do you have any expensive jewelery?
yess yess
36. Myspace or facebook?
facebook
37. How fast have you driven a car?
pretty damn fast
38. Have you ever smoked?
yess
39. What was or is your favorite subject in school?
human anatomy
40. Do you have Verizon?
no what’s that?
41. What type of boy or girl do you usually fall for?
the types that are no good for me
42. Do you have any hidden talents?
no
43. Favorite Song?
just so you know by jesse mccartney
44. Do you like to sing at all?
i like to sing a lot
45. Dream Job?
fashion designer šŸ˜€
46. Where does most of your family live?
in the states
47. Are you an only child or do you have siblings?
sibling šŸ˜¦
48. Would you consider yourself to be spoiled?
in some ways, yes.
49. What was the first thing you thought when you woke up?
justin
50. Do you drink?
yes
51. Know any other languages?
yes
52. Ever write a coded message?
YES
53. Have you ever been IN a wedding?
yes!
54. Do you have any children?
not yet šŸ˜¦
55. Did you take a nap today?
i wish i could have
56. Who has the same birthday as you?
hmm..i don’t know
57. Ever met anyone famous before?
yeah, myself šŸ™‚
58. Do you want to be famous one day?
yes
59. Any Pet Peeves?
diana is my pet peeve
60. Are you multitasking right now?
yes. eating and surveying
61. Do you like Britany Spears?
yes in an OK amount
62. What is your least favorite chore?
washing dishes
63. Last place you drove your car?
from paradise vil. to mcdo but it wasn’t my car
64. Ever been out of the country?
yeah yeah
65. Where were you born?
here
66. Could you handle being in the military?
yeah, man
67. What is your average cell phone bill?
1k
68. Who are you thinking about right now?
justin
69. When was the last time you laughed REALLY hard?
i haven’t in forever :((
70. How many pairs of shoes do you own?
not that many
71. Are your toes always painted?
hardly
72. How many piercings do you have?
2
73. What are you doing today?
being stupid
74. Have you ever been gambling?
yes
75. When is the last time you updated your page?
today lang
76. Do you like rollercoasters?
yes i love them!
77. Have you ever been to disneyland or world?
i’ve been to both actually
78. Do you have a favorite cartoon character?
noo
79. Last thing you cooked?
i don’t remember and it pains me to even try
80. How’s the weather?
pretty fucked up
81. Do you e-mail?
not that much
82. What’s the stupidest thing you ever did with your cell phone?
lost it šŸ™‚
83. Last time you were sick?
2 months ago?
84. What states have you lived in?
Texas and Cali
85. Do you wish you could move?
EVERY. SINGLE. DAY
86. Do you take all the QuizPox.com quizzes?
nope.
87. What is your dream car?
mini cooper
88. Have you ever wanted someone you cant have?
no
89. If you could be anywhere right now where would it be?
in your arms
90. Are you happy with your life?
hardly

CLICK HERE TO TAKE THIS SURVEY!

MySpace Surveys

Tell It All Survey

Take this survey

Have you ever thought about getting your lip pierced?
no but i have thought about having my tongue pierced
Does a kiss make you feel better?
yes. it makes me feel ecstatic!
Have you ever passed out on the bathroom floor?
no but i’ve passed out on the dance floor
Do you start the water before you get in the shower or when you get in?
i get in. i don’t like wasting water.
What did you do today?
i walked A LOT
Have you ever brushed your teeth while in the shower?
yeah, i do that sometimes šŸ™‚
Have you had more than 3 boyfriends/girlfriends at the same time?
no, never!!
Have you ever thought about your death?
yeah, i think about death a lot
Ever been in love?
yes, i do believe i have been in love.
Would you rather be in a permanent relationship or play the field?
permanent relationship. if i could have one boyfriend for the rest of my life, i would be happy
What is your favorite sport?
tennis
What color is your shower curtain?
i think it’s blue. i wish it was colorful though
Have you ever had stitches?
yeah behind my ear.
Did you believe that boys/girls had cooties?
yesss
Do you know how to use chop sticks?
yes, i’m pretty ok with them too
Lyrics stuck in your head?
no, none in particular
Do you like the Red Sox or Yankeess?
i don’t care
What are you doing tomorrow?
i’ll be at school being nurse-y
Who was the last person you couldn’t take your eyes off of?
JDO. hahahahaahah. kidding
Have you ever given money to a homeless person?
yah, i’ve done that
Have you ever run over an animal?
not yet šŸ˜€
What is your favorite cereal?
alphaBITS
Have you ever had an Oreo with peanut butter?
eww. no.
What are you doing right at this moment?
surveying. and chewing my food
Do you think its right for straight guys to get their tongue pierced?
no, i think it’s GAY
Where’s your favorite place to be?
in someone’s arms šŸ™‚
What’s your favorite song?
forever and always
Are you more of a coffee or alcohol drinker?
alchohol
Have you ever thrown shoes on a telephone wire?
hahahah that sounds so much fun!!
Have you ever been skinny dipping?
no but i want to
Have you ever been arrested?
not yet
Do you dream in black and white?
no, i dream in colors. i’m pretty sure about this one, too
Do you talk in your sleep?
no, thank god
Do you snore?
no
Are you a redneck?
nooo
Funniest thing you heard all day?
hey baby
Have you ever gotten a mosquito bite on your face?
yeah, uglly shit
What are you afraid of?
dying a virgin

CLICK HERE TO TAKE THIS SURVEY!

MySpace Surveys

Love and Life Survey

Take this survey

How old were you when you had your first relationship?
i was.. 16 years old
Are you taken/single?
– – i do not know
How old were you when you had your first kiss?
15. May 25, 2005. HAHAHA
What color is your underwear?
red and blue. sexaay
Do you like anyone right now?
yeah, i do
Ever had your heartbroken?
a million and one times. it’s getting so familiar
Miss anyone right now?
yeah, i kinda do :/
Who was the last person you sent a text to?
Justin
Last person to text you?
Justin
Last person you saw?
Casey, my sister šŸ™‚
What was the last thing you said to someone?
“ok” – casey
Who is top in your top friends?
i don’t know and i kinda don’t care
Why?
cuz…
Who do you trust the most in your life?
no one. i’ve learned that the best way to not get hurt is just not to trust in people that much.
Who do you love most?
God and my family
Ever been in love?
yeah, i have.
Who has hurt you the most?
James. hands down.
Has a tragedy ever happened in your life?
define a tragedy.
Are you happy?
not as much as i would want to be
How many good friends do you have?
a have a few
Are there some songs you cant listen to because they remind you of someone?
yes, there are some.
Ever been cheated on?
never. i was such a good girlfriend šŸ˜€
Ever been told someone loved you?
i hope not
Ever told someone you loved them and meant it?
i wouldn’t say it if i didn’t mean it
Not meant it?
no.
Ever had your heart broken?
o lagi, oo!!
Are you happy with where you are relationship-wise now?
ok rapud
What is your idea of true love?
secret :>
When they slip, do you think you can let go the small stuff?
idk, it depends. maybe though
Do you believe in love at first sight?
NO OIE KALUOD
Why or why not?
because it’s cheezy. love grows it doesn’t just happen.
Do you believe that it is best to have a friendship first then love?
yes, i believe in that A LOT
Do you believe that love can be found in bars or is that too much of a risk?
no. no. NO.
Should people go to bars to find love?
NO!!!
Or should they go to places where people who like what they like hang out?
depends.
Should men and women be expecting the other to buy the other gifts?
no oie. ka baga gud!
Who should wear the pants in the relationship or should it be a mutual give and take?
the girls should! para fun šŸ˜€ kidding.
Should chauvinists of either gender be in a relationship?
what’re chauvinists?

CLICK HERE TO TAKE THIS SURVEY!

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the good, the bad and the horrible

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i cannot believe what mess i got justin into last night. i’ve never ever gotten someone else into as much trouble as i did with justin and now i feel so so bad. šŸ˜¦

i just feel so bad that i even forced him to go to that party. i feel stupid cuz i was hardheaded and and insisted that he’d go to that party and look at how that turned out. awful.

i’m really happy that he went though despite the fist fights and the verbal bashing and arguing that followed after. it was really nice to just be there with him and sit and talk and see how he is around his friends and i was happy that he got to see me around my friends. i love the fact that he went gyud it makes me feel like a million bucks šŸ˜€

bout the fighting. idk anymore. idk what to do, idk what to think. i take responsibility over what happened cuz if i didn’t invite him in the first place, it never would’ve happened. i’m just so pissed at datan right now cuz he’s my friend. i help him with nina all the time and he knows everything about justin! he chose to save his best friend and kiss his ass and make me watch him as he punched justin. not cool. what he did was the worst thing ever. it’s gonna be hard going back to what we were after that stint he did.

i feel so bad for justin gyud cuz he didn’t do anything and i saw everything and it was so crazy. i wanted to cry so bad but i just didn’t. i was so scared and i didn’t know what to do to make him feel better cuz he would just push me away. and then we ran into his ex again and for a minute i thanked god it was dark and loud and i didn’t have to deal with the akwardness of it all. i hate ex encounters – hands down.

things eventually got better that night though but i lost my phone in the hype of it all and walked around with no shoes on and went crazy thinking about what to do.

i don’t wanna lose what i have right now and i don’t want it to change. šŸ˜¦

when all else fails- we blog

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you are no good.

i am so bored that it’s not even funny anymore and i wish i was studying or something other than waiting for my phone to ring because it isn’t. and it’s been this way for a few hours already. i hate you, sun i hope you die!

i wish something interesting would happen right now. sigh.

šŸ˜„

šŸ˜„

i loathe you with all the pieces of my itsy bitsy heart

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Head under water
And they tell me to breathe easy for a while
The breathing gets harder, even I know that

You made room for me, but it's too soon to see
If I'm happy in your hands
I'm unusually hard to hold on to

Blank stares at blank pages
No easy way to say this
You mean well, but you make this hard on me

I'm not gonna write you a love song
'Cause you asked for it
'Cause you need one, you see
I'm not gonna write you a love song
'Cause you tell me it's make or breaking this
If you're on your way
I'm not gonna write you to stay
If all you have is leaving
I'mma need a better reason to write you a love song today
Today

I learned the hard way
That they all say things you want to hear
My heavy heart sinks deep down under you
And your twisted words, your help just hurts
You are not what I thought you were
Hello to high and dry

Convinced me to please you
Made me think that I need this too
I'm trying to let you hear me as I am

i am terribly bored and i have nothing to blog about. so gag on this song why don’t you?

a bad day for PMS

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i hate hormones and what they are doing to my body. my PMS has gotten soo bad that today i:

* kicked and punched the door of my logic room cuz the thingy on top of it was… basta oie. kapot explain
* i ate CHICKEN at a japanese restaurant [i usually have beef]
* i BOUGHT A NEW PHONE
* I sold my old phone for 550.00
* i bought a new top ONLY because i thought i looked fat in what i was originally wearing. [i also thought it made me look shorter]
* and lastly, i’m up at 2 in the morning because i don’t feel like going to my Logic class tomorrow. logic makes you dumber. dumber than philo did. haha

ok i don’t feel like blogging now. everything’s ruined.

just dance

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so i was going through my organizer this morning because i was so bored and it made me remember all the things i’ve been through 4 months and 4 days prior to today. it’s funny how i thought that i had everything i could ever need back then but when i think about it now, i realize that i never really had anything at all. i find it really funny how i tried to get him back and how i thought that if i wasn’t going to be with him, i would be nothing and i could do nothing. i find to sad because i let myself settle for what he had given me which was basically as good as nothing, really. and the fact that i still hoped we’d get back together one day makes me cringe because i never want to be with him or with someone like him ever again.

and then it just made me start wondering when did i ever start getting better? like what day was it and what second. what specific thought and what was it like to feel that heavy burden being lifted off you again. stuff like that. i know i sound crazy but then, it just makes you think like with every relationship you have in general, when you do you know that it’s really over and that you’re really over everything? you know, especially after everything you guys’ve been through..

it’s stupid, really but it makes you think. don’t point fingers at me cuz i’m fine. and happy. happier. happier than i’ve ever been. in ways.

so anyways, i’m starting to really itch from the kwek2x i had this afternoon. i’m telling you, i NEVER learn. i’m allergic to eggs but i can’t stop from kwek2x, it’s like the greatest thing ever invented. but i did happen to say the same thing about lechon this afternoon so i’m pretty much on the fence again with this one. hmmm. i talk weird today. i like šŸ˜€

my super senses are on right now. so if you stink, don’t come up to me, i WILL smell you. even the slightest smell of you. and if you touch me, i WILL feel you even before you touch me. and if you’re about to talk to me, don’t. i proli won’t appreciate it. periods suck. i wish i was chabell. šŸ˜¦

this saturday’s ina’s party, i wanna bring justin but he really has his mind set on not going cuz he doesn’t really like the people i hang out with. [nostalgic. classic. i hate it.] but it’s not like i’m asking him to go for them, i’m asking him to go for me. i know i sound self absorbed and selfish but i like him and he makes me happy and i want people to know that. i want my friends to see that. i wanna show him off. HAHA. i just wish he’d give it a try cuz i would even if it killed me. but maybe i’m just like that and he’s not. if he does, i’d be really happy but if he didn’t then i guess i’ll just have to deal with it. like i did before. and i swear to god, i hated before. seriously, what’s so wrong with my friends?

i gotta go. i have a wake to go to and wtf do you wear to wakes??

xoxo