i like thinking out loud. because when i think while i talk, i tend to say the right things.

since the time i got home until now, i’ve been pinching my face because i have the greatest notion that i’m finally getting some meat there.. and i am soo happy!!

for the longest time i’ve been trying to gain weight and it hasn’t been easy. First of all because i don’t really know why i’ve been having a hard time gaining weight ever since i got dengue. i mean, it’s just been weird. i’m not sick anymore and i’m still able to play tennis or dance or whatever it is i used to do but the problem is, i just keep loosing weight and not gaining any.

at first i thought it was a good thing cuz i always thought that i was fat for such a short girl so i didn’t really mind but then my bones would start sticking out of my body and people would start asking me if i was sick or if i had an eating disorder or something and then that’s when i realized that yeah, maybe i was a little bit too skinny.

i will not admit to having a disorder because i would eat. just not that much. geez, ok i don’t know what i had but i swear to god it wasn’t a disorder.

i’ve had my parents mentioning me getting a drug test so many times because neither they could understand why i was loosing soo much weight.

so for the past 2 months i’ve been answering every craving i’ve had and i’ve practically been force feeding myself just to get some weight. i do hope i’ve gained weight and i sure as hell hope i’ll stop getting those nasty looks and talks behind my back about me being this and that cuz of my weight.

do you think it’s possible to loose soo much weight when you don’t have a eating disorde or any health problems?

 

 
october 2008

p.s. i do not care for the fugly pictures.. 😀

i know i disappointed you. i know that you’ve been looking out for me and i’m really lucky to have an uncle like you who guides me gyud bah. i know a lot of girls would be lucky to have a guy around to tell them the often not so kind truth straight up. i feel like you think i’m not taking what you tell me to heart, but i am. it’s just sometimes i don’t wanna believe it. like when you tell me what guys are after and stuff. but i know you’re right. i’m just stubborn. if i get hurt again, then those are on my terms. sometimes we need to get hurt gyud to learn. but hopefully i’ll stop getting hurt because you’ve helped me learn so much 🙂

i just wanted to say i’m sorry if i let my guard down and if i disappointed you. i know pinangga kay ko nimo and you just don’t wanna see me so miserable again. and i appreciate it. i appreciate it a lot. i’m greatful that my dad is your cousin. even if i don’t acknowledge him for anything, i’m doing so right now.

i promise i’ll be smarter next time. it’s all a learning process.

thanks for having my back, dong

hope this makes you smile!!

i know i disappointed you. i know that you’ve been looking out for me and i’m really lucky to have an uncle like you who guides me gyud bah. i know a lot of girls would be lucky to have a guy around to tell them the often not so kind truth straight up. i feel like you think i’m not taking what you tell me to heart, but i am. it’s just sometimes i don’t wanna believe it. like when you tell me what guys are after and stuff. but i know you’re right. i’m just stubborn. if i get hurt again, then those are on my terms. sometimes we need to get hurt gyud to learn. but hopefully i’ll stop getting hurt because you’ve helped me learn so much 🙂

i just wanted to say i’m sorry if i let my guard down and if i disappointed you. i know pinangga kay ko nimo and you just don’t wanna see me so miserable again. and i appreciate it. i appreciate it a lot. i’m greatful that my dad is your cousin. even if i don’t acknowledge him for anything, i’m doing so right now.

i promise i’ll be smarter next time. it’s all a learning process.

thanks for having my back, dong

hope this makes you smile!!

ok i think i’ve died and gone to heaven. the internet is back in my room and i can bloooog.

lately i guess blogging has been my output for a lot of things and idk, i enjoy blogging so yey me yey me yey me!

yesterday was a pretty good day for me. i went to ayala with a few of my classmates which i’ve never done before and they convinced me to get in the karaoke booth at timezone which was really funny and then me and keanan sang 25 minutes. it was soo gay. haha.

i got so broke i had to ask my papa to come pick me up. then we bought DVD’s at mango square and i just asked him to get me the secret life of the american teenager which is basically about 15 year olds get knocked up. lol. kevin seems to think that i have a thing for kids having sex. hahaha. which is kinda true. i mean, i’m not into it but i’m so intriged by the mere thought. and often times fact. lol. i mean, geez, how could kids be having sex at 15? that’s just wrong.

that afternoon i got the birds and the bees talk. it was soo funny. but i’m glad my parents talked to me about it. every kid should hear what their parents have to say about the matter, you know? or i just think.

so i spent the whole afternoon watching the series and at night i went to mella’s party.

it was so annoying though cuz we had to wear black and i don’t do black, bai. hahaha.

but it was fun. i got drunk- again. but then again, there hasn’t been a single weeked where i’m not. lol.

i think i’ll make getting drunk a hobby or a lifestyle. it’s rubbing off on me.oh, kidding. 😀

me and adrian hung out. it was kinda nice cuz i missed him. things have been weird between for some time because you know me, i ruin every good thing that comes into my life. :[

but i thought about it and i’m not gonna let it be as weird as it used to be na. he’s a nice guy and i shouldn’t be treating him the way i have been the past few weeks.

besides, what’s the worst that could happen?

xoxo

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So life’s supposed to be like this, huh? You love, you get hurt, you “learn” and then you basically spend the rest of your life in this constant cycle of searching and getting hurt and learning.

I used to think that I’ve outgrown this cycle. Like when me and James got together, I was just like “fuck everytime I got hurt in the past. this time, I know I won’t.” But look at where I am now. I’m just floating around miserable like or even worse than I was before we got together. And I know I’m only saying this to compensate for everything but I truly have learned something and it’s something that I’m going to bring with me for a very long time.

I’ve learned soo much about myself and so much about relationships and life in general. It’s priceless. And yes, if I could trade all this knowledge to be with someone who would treat me the way I wanted to, then I would in a heart beat but there are just some things that you can’t trade or take back not even for gold.

I guess the most important thing that I’ve learned is that despite how much you love someone, you’ll always have to love yourself first. Sometimes we just have to be selfish and put ourselves first or else we’ll just end up wondering why we let people hurt us this much. Because the only truth why we’re this broken and this hurt is because we let our guard down and we allowed ourselves to get hurt in the first place.

I know I could’ve avoided this heartache. I know that if I used my head more than I did my heart, there would be less tears at night and more bits and pieces of me to redeem.

Now I look at relationships and I know that it’s not just something you get into for the heck of it. I’m never going to rush myself into another relationship again because I don’t wanna find myself in the middle of it all realizing that I’m not going to be happy with my boyfriend anymore. I don’t wanna realize these things when it becomes too late, when the hurt is just going to overflow because it took you 2 years to figure it out. If you’re not sure, you should at least make your exit easy. You know what I mean?

Personally, I’m not going to let another James step on me and what I want to happen in my life. Dapat if you’re with someone, especially at this age, you shouldn’t let them hold you back because this is supposed to be the best times of our life, why should we let anyone keep us from such happiness? I always felt that James was holding me back. Like he wanted all the glory to himself and he expected me to just be the pretty background of his life. But how could I just settle with that when I know that I am so capable of overthrowing him any time I wanted? There are just some people you can’t and proli shouldn’t hold down. And I’m proud to say, I’m one of those people. ;]

Next time around when someone comes into my life, I’m going to be more specific about what I want. I’m not just going to settle with the standards that I aimed for when me and James got together. That time, I just wanted someone who would love me but then I realized that anyone can just love someone because love is something we feel and give to a lot of other people. Now I mean specifics:

I want a guy who makes me feel good about myself- someone who can love me despite how broken I can become because I’m broken in so many ways and I don’t heal easily. I want to be with someone who opens the door for me, brings me flowers, calls me up on random occassions just to say he misses me and kisses me on my forehead in front of my friends. I want a guy who will appreciate it when I stay up to wait for him to get home from his night out with friends. I want a guy who’ll eat the burnt cookies I attempted to make for him and I want a guy who won’t try to rescue me all the time. I’m not Cinderella and sometimes I’d rather save myself. I want to be with someone who would die for his mother and is dead scared of his father. I want to be with someone who’s scared and yet took up all the courage he had in him to take a chance on me because I think I am capable of being worth it. I hope I am. I want a guy who will call me beautiful and who will compare every girl to me and then conclude that noone can beat me. Even if in reality a lot of girls could, I just wanna know that this guy wouldn’t trade me up for anything. Damgo much?

I want a best friend, I want a life partner, I want a soulmate.

And if you’re rich and you have a car then plus points for you. I don’t like walking nowadays. Hahaha.

I can’t wait to be a mom or a wife. These are things I look forward to, honestly. This is the reason why I get into relationships – call me tacky or whatever you want but this is who I am and this is who I was raised to be and I’m proud of my ability to see the REAL purpose of things. Afterall, this is why people get into relationship in the first place, right?

So until Mr. Right comes along, I’ll just blog about love and being hurt and shit like this because this is what I’m good at. J

I’m not going to settle for second best anymore.

Deep down inside of me, I know all of us just want to be loved. That’s why we take our chances on the minutest things because we are all hoping for some kind of magic in the end.

Noone wants to be lonely. Especially me.

The truth is, when I’m with you, I forget. I’m happy. I feel like I’m right where I’m supposed to be.

I like the way you smell and the way I tingle when your lips brush against my nose. And I like the way you touch me.

I would keep you. But then again, you know me. I can get crazy. One day I’m so smitten by you the next I’m not.

Stay a little longer while I figure this out ok?