it’s been 3 days since the break up and i suspect there will be a hundred or a thousand more…

well, it’s not THAT bad because me and james actually talk all the time. but just a best friends now, though. yes, we’ve established the “best friends” title because we figured that we didn’t wanna waste our friendship. but sometimes i still think that we’re moving to fast. maybe being friends shouldn’t be the right thing to do right now. but it’s already been done and i’m left to pick up  the pieces out of the mess that i’ve made.

james and i talked yesterday to really settle things and it came to a point where we both decided we weren’t happy with this relationship anymore and maybe it was best that we just end it. but THEN after a while it just lead up to us giving each other space to learn, grow, think.

sometimes i get scared that maybe time is going to make one of us realize that we don’t really need each other that much anymore. but then i don’t have control over that anymore, do i?

i guess me and james are just two very different people with different wants but in the end we both just end up wanting each other. i want to be in a relationship where i can still live my own life. where i don’t have someone else making decisions for me or where someone is constantly telling me how to live my life and what i should and shouldn’t do. i wanna be with someone who makes an effort to understand me and support me and someone who at least TRIES to like my friends. and james… well, i really don’t know what he wants.

but maybe there are certain things that i could do without. but what i really want to be with the james who i feel in love with. i don’t want to talk about an anonymous third person and describe all the things i would’ve wanted in a guy because i just want james and i want him to be the guy who he was when we were both growing up. he used to be someone who supported me, comforted me, tried to understand me, made an effort with my friends..

i never thought people could change this much in such a short time.

not being with him is the most painful thing in the world because i love having him around so much. i love him a lot, too and i would give up my arms and legs for him if i had to. but you know, i can’t just be in a relationship where it’s just me. because i know he will never feel all these things for me.

maybe if we never find each other again, he’ll find someone else he can feel all these things for. maybe someone worth it. maybe he never felt those things for me because maybe i’m not worth it afterall. 😦

but i wish i was. i wish he thought i was worth it.

yes, we broke up and somehow it hurts but then not as much as before. i’m so used to us breaking up and getting back together and i’m tired of it all.

i really love him though. i love him with all my heart and it sucks that we’re not together but it doesn’t hurt as much as before anymore because i’ve convinced myself a long time ago that if i want things to change – i need to take big jumps.

yes, maybe i regret it. yes, maybe we’ll get back together. but i assure you, it won’t be as simple as it was before.

besides, i’m still young and i’m tired of missing out on everything because he’s holding me back. i’m tired of just trying to be good enough and always having to say i’m sorry.

i’m tired of being hurt all the time and having to find someone else to make me feel better.

i deserve better, right?

but then again, i bet i was never a good girlfriend either. maybe that’s why james hasn’t called or texted or shown the least amount of care.

i’m tired of chasing after someone who doesn’t know what he wants and who doesn’t understand things yet.

maybe we are just too young to be in love.

i just wish it didn’t have to take 1 year and 8 months for us to figure it out.

i’m going to wait for him. as stupid as this sounds, i’m not going to move on because do believe in him and i do love him and i would do anything for him. i just want him to realize all those things about me.

stupid

i HATE HATE HATE EGGS!!!

my papa has ulcerative colitis and he usually has his days when he can barely stand up or do anything else for that matter. he practically spent the whole christmas eve and christmas lying in bed agonizing over the pain he was feeling. in the afternoon of the 26th, we found out that he really wanted to go to the hospital but he was just scared. scared to pay, scared of just being in the hospital. and i have to tell you with all my heart, it is NOT easy to see a grown man cry..

but thankfully, things have gotten better. and i think that it is a blessing in disguise that my boyfriend is out of town because i just really want this christmas break to be about him.

this is really the first christmas break in soo long wherein i just got to hang out with my family because i don’t usually do that.

on new year’s eve, me and my papa just sat on the front porch and laughed and looked at pictures and it made me realize how much i love him and how much time i’ve lost with him. it kinda made me realize why he despises james so much and why he is so angry with my real dad..

this is such a gay thing for me to say, i know it is far fetched and i don’t know why i would rather say this to a bunch of strangers rather than to my boyfriend or my best friends but the reason why i’m acting the way i act now is cuz i’m scared to loose him. i’m scared that he might die. and i’m scared that if he did, i would just be left with a long list of things i wish i would’ve done because i never did it when i had the chance to.

i know it’s stupid but everytime i see him in pain, i keep thinking “this is it. this may be the end.”

but anyways. today i was gonna go out with my friends cuz yeah, it’s my best friends birthday. but then out of a sudden, my papa cooks us dinner [something he HARDLY does] and he made us sit down together as a family and eat.

he made me bacon [i got bacon instead of eggs cuz i’m allergic to eggs], spam, sausages and he even made the rice shapped like a mountain!

then he prayed and said “thank you god for the time i get to spend with my family. i am so blessed to have them.” and then his voice started to get all raspy and then next thing you know, my mom was crying! hahahaha. one of those classic moments out family usually has.

dinner was good. full of laughs and smiles and teasing. moments that i’ll always treasure.

now we’re all gonna watch dvd’s as a family. i’m excited.

i just can’t go out now. don’t wanna disappoint my papa. he’s out buying dvds for us.

i’ll blog soon.