have you ever felt so undeniably dull? like, your whole life only revolved around tennis, spider solitaire, text twist and a boy and that was it. have you ever felt like those were the only things you could look forward to because in reality, those were the only things going in your life anyways? i hate to say it, but i do.

i’m at arden’s place right now and while arden’s talking to her lover, basi, i just couldn’t contain myself from rambling and whining about this slob fest that i unfortunately have to call  my “life”.

anyways, i just found out that i am used as a threat to my other friends who have recently engaged in this so called, serious relationship thing..

their exact words, “cige ka, do you want to turn into issa?”
which means, issa, who doesn’t have a life of her own because she’s all about her boyfriend and just that. issa who is never not with him and the issa that we’ve stopped bothering to invite to our get togethers because, what’s the point, we know she won’t go anyways cuz she’s always with james. that issa.

and i’m looking through these blogs and yeah, i know that that’s the person i’ve become. i’m issa, james’s girlfriend. nothing more and nothing less. and i guess it just sucks cuz i know that my friends don’t look for me anymore because i gave them a reason not to. i’m just not there anymore like i used to and i guess, that’s the sad part that i have to look for them because they don’t want to go looking for me because they know i’m too busy for them. because i have a boyfriend.

really, is it supposed to be like this? where i don’t have a life outside this relationship? where i don’t get to hang out with my friends on lazy Wednesday afternoons or where i’m only present on birthday parties and that’s just it?

i miss my friends which is why i asked for one day [instead of 2] every week with them but i don’t think james understands this because his life isn’t affected in any way. i think he doesn’t get what’s happening in my life and why i’ve been such a downer lately. he doesn’t know how it is to not have friends or to know that your friends don’t look for you anymore because his friends are in manila. and the friends that he does have are his classmates.

i’m the only person in my circle who has a boyfriend but why am i the one who’s giving up everything to be with him?

itbxjt,jyku.li;i; – that was arden.

i just want to go out without having him constantly nagging at me and getting mad cuz i can’t reply or cuz i’m having fun. i just don’t want to go out and reading his text messages of him asking me about who i’m flirting with and shit like that. i just want time to be a girl and have fun.

there’s nothing wrong with that, right?

and if i get that, he’ll get what he wants, too. not that he isn’t getting that now.

but yeah.

times like this are just hardcore. and depressing and i just wish, for once that i had more control over my life than he did over mine.

issa