http-equiv=”Content-Type” content=”text/html; charset=utf-8″> name=”ProgId” content=”Word.Document”> name=”Generator” content=”Microsoft Word 10″> name=”Originator” content=”Microsoft Word 10″>

So life’s supposed to be like this, huh? You love, you get hurt, you “learn” and then you basically spend the rest of your life in this constant cycle of searching and getting hurt and learning.

I used to think that I’ve outgrown this cycle. Like when me and James got together, I was just like “fuck everytime I got hurt in the past. this time, I know I won’t.” But look at where I am now. I’m just floating around miserable like or even worse than I was before we got together. And I know I’m only saying this to compensate for everything but I truly have learned something and it’s something that I’m going to bring with me for a very long time.

I’ve learned soo much about myself and so much about relationships and life in general. It’s priceless. And yes, if I could trade all this knowledge to be with someone who would treat me the way I wanted to, then I would in a heart beat but there are just some things that you can’t trade or take back not even for gold.

I guess the most important thing that I’ve learned is that despite how much you love someone, you’ll always have to love yourself first. Sometimes we just have to be selfish and put ourselves first or else we’ll just end up wondering why we let people hurt us this much. Because the only truth why we’re this broken and this hurt is because we let our guard down and we allowed ourselves to get hurt in the first place.

I know I could’ve avoided this heartache. I know that if I used my head more than I did my heart, there would be less tears at night and more bits and pieces of me to redeem.

Now I look at relationships and I know that it’s not just something you get into for the heck of it. I’m never going to rush myself into another relationship again because I don’t wanna find myself in the middle of it all realizing that I’m not going to be happy with my boyfriend anymore. I don’t wanna realize these things when it becomes too late, when the hurt is just going to overflow because it took you 2 years to figure it out. If you’re not sure, you should at least make your exit easy. You know what I mean?

Personally, I’m not going to let another James step on me and what I want to happen in my life. Dapat if you’re with someone, especially at this age, you shouldn’t let them hold you back because this is supposed to be the best times of our life, why should we let anyone keep us from such happiness? I always felt that James was holding me back. Like he wanted all the glory to himself and he expected me to just be the pretty background of his life. But how could I just settle with that when I know that I am so capable of overthrowing him any time I wanted? There are just some people you can’t and proli shouldn’t hold down. And I’m proud to say, I’m one of those people. ;]

Next time around when someone comes into my life, I’m going to be more specific about what I want. I’m not just going to settle with the standards that I aimed for when me and James got together. That time, I just wanted someone who would love me but then I realized that anyone can just love someone because love is something we feel and give to a lot of other people. Now I mean specifics:

I want a guy who makes me feel good about myself- someone who can love me despite how broken I can become because I’m broken in so many ways and I don’t heal easily. I want to be with someone who opens the door for me, brings me flowers, calls me up on random occassions just to say he misses me and kisses me on my forehead in front of my friends. I want a guy who will appreciate it when I stay up to wait for him to get home from his night out with friends. I want a guy who’ll eat the burnt cookies I attempted to make for him and I want a guy who won’t try to rescue me all the time. I’m not Cinderella and sometimes I’d rather save myself. I want to be with someone who would die for his mother and is dead scared of his father. I want to be with someone who’s scared and yet took up all the courage he had in him to take a chance on me because I think I am capable of being worth it. I hope I am. I want a guy who will call me beautiful and who will compare every girl to me and then conclude that noone can beat me. Even if in reality a lot of girls could, I just wanna know that this guy wouldn’t trade me up for anything. Damgo much?

I want a best friend, I want a life partner, I want a soulmate.

And if you’re rich and you have a car then plus points for you. I don’t like walking nowadays. Hahaha.

I can’t wait to be a mom or a wife. These are things I look forward to, honestly. This is the reason why I get into relationships – call me tacky or whatever you want but this is who I am and this is who I was raised to be and I’m proud of my ability to see the REAL purpose of things. Afterall, this is why people get into relationship in the first place, right?

So until Mr. Right comes along, I’ll just blog about love and being hurt and shit like this because this is what I’m good at. J

I’m not going to settle for second best anymore.