you probably don’t want to hear from me anymore which is why i’m not going to send this to you inbox nor am i going to print this letter out and read it you. instead, i’ll leave it up to fate- if there even is such a thing. if you’re supposed to read this letter, you’ll find yourself to it or someone will bring you to it. but then again if you don’t, well at least i’ve said what i needed to say and i can go to sleep at night not feeling so bad anymore.

i admit, there was a time in my life where i never doubted that you were the one for me. There was a time when we spoke of an “always and forever” and i smiled so hard because i believed in it so much. i believed in you and i believed in us. But you grew out of it and i grew more and more into it. what happened to us and why are we so wrong and why am i so scared to loose you- you’re not even worth it. maybe my hopeful heart is just too young to be soo in love with someone like you.

it’s going to be so hard to beat you, james. you’re someone i can love and hate at the same time. you’re that person i don’t have to be afraid to be me with. you’re my happy meal after the bad burger mcdo. you were my everything. and i never got tired of it. somehow, i just had to let go of it.

you’ve taught me so much, james. about life and how i can’t let other people push me around. you taught me that it’s ok to say “no” when i want to and that it’s ok to be different when i know that i’m right. you also taught me how to play it safe and not try to be a part of everything – because you know i have the tendency to be like that. you taught me the beauty of looking at things.

you taught me to be sorry- genuinely sorry. and how to pay for the consequences of my mistakes. but in the process, you also taught me that sometimes i shouldn’t be sorry for everything because sometimes we don’t have to say we’re sorry over stupid things.

you may not have taught me this directly but being with you taught me things about myself and for that, i couldn’t be more thankful.

you taught me how to take risks. In my whole life i’ve only taken 2 risks. The first time was when i decided to go to church camp because i knew you would be there to keep me company and look at how beautiful that turned out for both of us.

the second risk i took was when i broke up with you. and no matter how much you mean to me, i took that risk. because somehow i knew that not all love stories have happy endings. but they sure do have a good beginnings and good “in betweens”. maybe this risk will benefit us one day. maybe.

i want to thank you for showing me how far i would go for love. and for you, i know that i’ve gone the farthest.

hopefully someday i’ll find someone who deserves my love because i know you don’t want it anymore. or maybe you never did because i doubt you did. i doubt you ever wanted it at all.

you mean so much to me james and even if you’re not sorry and even if you never were, i forgive you for everything you ever did to hurt me.

i forgive you for making me feel second rate or like i wasn’t worth your time. i forgive you for making me feel worthless and for making me feel like i didn’t deserve to be loved. i forgive you for everything and i just hope that you’ll find someone else who can make you happy because i know i can’t do that anymore. even if i wanted to.

and lastly, i love you. and i know you know that because i don’t think i ever failed to tell you that. not ever.

take care of yourself. i’m praying for you everyday.

good night.